Whistleblower: Donald Trump’s “porn addiction” concerned Secret Service

INTERNET — Former Trump administration White House staffer, Lisa Thornby, told reporters Friday that Donald Trump has been hiding a wide-ranging and outrageous porn addiction for decades, as well as financial and creative involvement in the production of scores of lewd videos.

Trump’s recent conviction for hush money payments to Stormy Daniels merely implies an ongoing habit of hiring pornstars as prostitutes, however, the depths of his porn addiction has not been fully realized until now.

“Donald not only hired pornstars as prostitutes, but regularly commissioned videos after purchasing a stake in BangBros through the Czech shell corporation, WGCZ S.R.O. I have provided all the classified documents which prove not only his ownership, but his personal involvement in the production of pornography and the Eastern European talent agency where he purchased his third wife, Melania. While in the oval office, President Trump was recorded masturbating to pornography over fifteen times in one day,” Thornby said, in what may have been her final words to the public.

Homeland security agents stormed the press briefing and Thornby was disappeared to an offshore military blacksite, most likely Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Reporters and other accredited media personnel were detained over the weekend in federal facilities, with all devices and cameras confiscated or destroyed.

Internet Chronicle reporters, prepared for this eventuality, took advantage of an experimental neuralink photography app and captured imagery of the leaked documents, providing the public with its only insight into the Presidential candidate’s disturbing porn addiction.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, pornography analyst, told reporters, “It’s an astounding and historic revelation for the pornography community, of course. Trump is credited in producing thirty-four films under the industry name ‘Cock McDonald,’ a reference to his favorite restaurant. I’ve reviewed all of these films, and the central theme is the sexualization of trickle down economics, ‘findom’ in the industry, with an emphasis on piss fetish and reverse cucking supermodel wives with younger women. They are fine power fantasies, if that’s your thing, and more or less what you’d expect out of Trump. I was actually surprised by the inclusion of black lesbians, who would occasionally overpower and cuck the leading man by stealing all his women and pissing on him.”

Gerald Holfries of Hot Springs Virginia said, “I’ve always been a huge fan of Cock McDonald, and now I’m even more proud of my pornography collection than ever. I’ve taken it out of my closet and put it in my living room. My wife says, ‘what about the children?’ And I tell her what I told them, that’s our president’s work. That’s history right there. Sometimes we put it on and watch it as a family.” Holfries added, breathing heavily, “And yeah, I whacked it to Stormy Daniels both before and after I voted. But this time, it’s definitely going to be Cock McDonald flicks.”

Aria Polarm of Hemsworth, Tennessee was distraught but resolute in her support of President Trump, saying, “So now I’ve got a choice between a porno director who jacks off a dozen times a day and a man who sniffs girl hair with a crackhead son. It’s a hard choice, but Trump is our only shot at a good leader. I just worry about the example he’s setting for my boys.”