Man who recently appeared from another universe now ‘freaking everybody out’

Richmond — A Virginia man calling himself the Leader of Hellish Realms Too Terrible to Know, has claimed responsibility for the virgin pregnancies of more than 40 women and girls in the mountainous regions surrounding the isolationist Roanoke Valley.

[pullquote]Internet Chronicle readers should be on high alert for shape-shifters and ‘men with swirling faces, nondescript features, or indiscernible outlines.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Paranormal Investigator[/pullquote]

The 1,342,227-year-old prophet’s identity is still largely unknown, but many of the girls say they were visited in the night by a man with a swirling, mutating face, calling himself Alistair Robin Rowntree.

“My curtains were blowing in the wind one night,” said Mary Taylors, a 17-year-old Cave Spring High School junior living on Poor Mountain. “But my windows was closed.”

That’s when Mary noticed twisting shadows creeping along her wall resembled a man planting sprouting, living and exploding cities behind in his footprints. She said the shadows took the form of a man, tall and slender in physique and with a swirling galaxy in fast-forward for a face.


“He was destroying planets with those beautiful, green beams of pure light energy that shoot outta where his eyes should be,” Mary said. “And then he looked at me. And now I’m pregnant.”

Mary said her vision and awareness became joined as one with the universe, as the ceiling lit up with the radiating  intensity of a blazing lazer show of intergalactic cosmic warfare.

Alistair told me this was our future, but he spoke in the past tense. He said there is a coming war for control over the gamma ray bursts from our galactic core. He said there are starfaring civilizations that want to harness ridiculous, inexplicable power. And then he fuckin’ said it is already over. So I don’t know.

Ellen Airy, a 20-year-old virgin from Iowa, is bedridden with immutable depression. But Airy said she awoke in the middle of the night to the apparition of a tall man standing over her in the darkness. And yet when she turned on the lamp at her bedside, only darkness remained where the man had been standing.

“I saw stars in the void,” Airy said. “All around where he stood, was my room, and my desk, and an easel where I paint. But an impression lingered of his presence. It felt like a dark and looming presence, you know? But I could see it, I saw stars, and cosmic events, like stars exploding near the event horizons of black holes, supernovae and heat death. It was fucked up. I know.”

Airy said the darkness beckoned her closer.

“I stood up out of bed. I was sticky from sweat and I walked over to him,” Airy said. “I could almost see him in my mind. I envisioned him with gray hair, a stubbly beard and black eyes. And as I got closer I looked deeper into his eyes – and the galactic swarm in his face evolved faster the closer I got – and he kissed me. Our mouths exploded into brilliant white light. Then he was gone. And now I’m pregnant.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Paranormal Investigator and field expert, says readers should be on high alert for shapeshifters and ‘men with swirling faces, nondescript features, or indiscernible outlines.”

Troubadour says these figures are known to operate without regard for the governing physical laws of our realm and outside our current theoretical models.

“So it was especially terrifying when Alistair arrived here on some kind of Lebal Drocer RingGo Stargate and, as far as I’m concerned, he can leave on it, too,” Troubadour said through gnashed teeth, revealed in an expression of wide-eyed shock and horror. “These godless wanderers of time and space come to OUR realm, rewrite OUR future histories, and inexplicably IMPREGNATE OUR WOMEN. I thought Trump was supposed to fix all this.”

Dr. Troubadour, who recently became the world’s first pregnant male real doctor, is rapidly outpacing the gestation period for a healthy human fetus, and looks “about ready to bust open” with a brood of unknown terrors, already seen percolating beneath the dermis. Terrors, he says, from another world.

“Or perhaps terrors from within,” Troubadour said.

Watch the nightmare unfold Fridays at 8 on NBC, after Access Hollywood at 7:30.

Tonight’s gripping witness to the unfolding of future nightmares is brought to you graciously by LEBAL, DROCER, INC. WE OWN EVERYTHING IN THE KNOWN REALMS

Readers: Has a man contacted you from another universe? If you see something, say something to the Internet Chronicle Inter-Dimensional tip-line: +1 (917) 675-4836

By Hatesec

I am the hatest

16 replies on “Man who recently appeared from another universe now ‘freaking everybody out’”

Figures you wrote this pile of oh so not ironic fuckin’ shit *said in the voice of a wasted Bill Hicks

*scrawls 917-675-4836 on a men’s bathroom wall at an undisclosed Applebee’s location

murican nazifuck “journalists” had there german experience today! i missed u and tyler. #hässlich willkommen

What happens in Murikkka, stays in Amerikkka. Like the whole incest is best amongst the Hill Billies and Gypsys
:::sprays the hyenas with water canons:::

Look sausage boy no one wants to see you’re small pen0r and feel your tiny hands unless you have many bitcoins/rubles . (Large appliances; a 50 inch plasma tv and a door in door fridge are acceptable items on my Amazon wishlist.)

In the hearts and minds of the people, the sausages of wrath were growing heavy for the barbecue.

+1 (917) 675-4836 no voicemail, at least doxbin/fedbin had that assholes) plus no option to text bomb (??s 2 teh FBI/NSA/DHS) this so call hate hotline :::???:::

What is an hässlich willkommen, no cigeratte, a pee stained bra, and mental illness for 9001 pounds of sterling steele Alex!¿

i haz seen da light zucka!
look shitty kitty, the woild is funny, u r looking for woik, i haz retired myself in 2005. i spend my summers in the south of france, u in misery. u life in gods own cuntry, i have health insurance. the fairy tale kingdom of yurp is a failed state says president gacy, frau dr. stasine von merkel says we have everlasting bliss. u fight al kaida, i have just met an syrian headbanger. and so on and so on, all i can say is: Gottseidank nicht in England.

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