Internet Chronicle

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Muslims gathered in cities around America carrying banners that said, “Je Suis Charlie,” after Craig Lee Hicks shot three Muslims in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, allegedly over an ongoing parking row that erupted into a deadly dispute over satire.

According to protesters, they have adopted the “Je Suis Charlie” slogan because they believe the three dead Muslims were aggressively “satirizing” Hicks for Islamophobia before he resorted to a murderous hate crime.

The victims were shot in the head, execution style, reportedly while delivering crude but incisive remarks directed at Hicks. Reportedly, Barakat jokingly told Hicks, moments before his execution, “If you shoot me down I’ll become more powerful than you can imagine — over 72 virgins.” Despite the satiric intent, this comment is said to have been taken seriously by Hicks, who then flew into a murderous rage as the Muslim students laughed in his face.

Hicks turned himself in to a local police department without incident, smiling when he told officers, “I have taken care of the local ISIS sleeper cell.”

INTERNET — Jon Stewart announced he’d be stepping down from the Daily Show to pursue a political career. Tuesday night, Stewart told reporters, “I’m announcing my candidacy for president in the 2016 election, and I’ll be running with the support of the Colbert PAC.”

Stewart added, “I’m disappointed in Obama. I had hope and rallied for sanity, but ultimately I was let down. I think a lot of people were let down. Obama’s gone after whistleblowers and escalated foreign wars, and he hasn’t done anything about police brutality targeting blacks. Now, we’re on the brink of an all-out nuclear war in the Ukraine and it’s time for someone outside of Washington, someone sane, someone who doesn’t think it’s all about growing our economy, but cares about human lives. I think I can at least do that much.”

Other frontrunners for the presidential election include Mitt Romney and Hilary Clinton. Clinton responded to Stewart’s announcement with a shrill laugh, saying, “Hah! That comic from pot movies? C’mon, give me a break. Herman Caine’s more of a serious contender than Stewart.” However, comics such as Al Franken have had lasting careers and served in some of the most prestigious offices in US government. Stewart’s fame and popularity with American audiences may be the boost he needs, as campaign spending is set to balloon into the billions in the 2016 election cycle.

CONNECTICUT — Tuesday evening, Brian Williams was found dead in his New Canaan mansion from what police said was most likely a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The NBC News Anchor was caught lying about facing RPG fire in Iraq and once said he saw dead bodies floating in a part of New Orleans that was not flooded by hurricane Katrina.

Monday, Williams announced he would “take a few days off,” but his suicide Tuesday evening has left fans and critics shocked. Friends and family told reporters Williams was, “not happy” and suggested that his career was built on far worse lies that he promised to soon reveal.

Police are investigating the tragic circumstances as there seems to be strong evidence for the possibility of foul play. Police Chief Gerald Hartford told reporters, “Now, there are lots of people with motives to take out Williams, especially military men who have had their valor stolen. That’s why we’re investigating foul play, but it appears to be a suicide. We’re not 100 percent, but that’s what it looks like at first glance.”

Others speculated that Williams exaggerated and sensationalized his stories as a result of brutal editorial control that the CIA exerts over him and NBC News. As the theory goes, the CIA feared he might reveal too much and had to “suicide” him to keep the wraps on their cloak-and-dagger propaganda operations.