INTERNET—Adrian Chen of Gawker reported, Monday, that Frederick Brennan, who suffers from a malfunctioning skeleton, was the mastermind responsible for providing GamerGate fans with safe harbors at infinitechan, or 8chan as it is also called. Chen is a well-known anti-misogynist doxer who once outed violentacrez, Reddit’s kingpin of legal jailbait and creepshot subreddits.
Brennan’s bones are so frail that they could break at the slightest touch, but Adrian Chen said that suffering man he called “deformed” was seen holding a bottle of vodka and riding through a strip club on the first anniversary of infinitechan. Much like Reddit’s subreddit feature, infinitechan allows any user to create and moderate their own subchan, combining the worst aspects of Reddit and 4chan into the world’s most misogynistic social media platform.
After reading Adrian Chen’s vicious dox, Rhonda Marten, feminist and human biodiversity expert, tweeted, “I’ll put that deformed paper bones out of misery. Comin for ya, little boy!” Brennan cancelled his upcoming motivational talk, considering the tweet and other undisclosed messages a credible threat on his life.
Ebola Memes are the hottest memes out there right now. Learn more about them here!
Georgia authorities are trying to determine how many people a news editor exposed to Ebola.
Cuthbert, Ga.—The CDC ordered chronicle.su staff members to stay home Friday and asked them not to enter their Cuthbert, Ga. office until it can be determined their squat of a newsroom is clear of the dreaded #Ebola virus.
“He tippy-tap-typed on that keyboard all god damn day, I guess I better disinfect it,” Kilgoar said, “as if he’s actually going to publish anything that might make us some money. And now the motherfucker’s got Ebola. Now he is Worthless.”
Beloved editor and author of several incomplete manifestos, Hatesec never made any money for the hatenest website on the internet, chronicle.su, Kilgoar said. “And now he won’t, because he’s dying from the #Ebola.”
When hatesec began hashtagging Ebola, fellow journalists thought it was a pitiful grab for retweets – and it was certainly that – but it also became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
While volunteering with Doctors Without Borders in West Africa, as he was known to do in his limited free time, @hatesec said he contracted Ebola after moving a pile of fresh bodies.
“I was helping this Chinese lady move bodies and because Obama cut our aide, we didn’t have anymore protective gear, so we just moved the bodies by hand,” #hatesec said. “And that Chinese lady, I don’t think even knew what Ebola was. I think she was unfit to work at the iPhone factory so they had her moving corpses.”
Hatesec blamed the Chinese woman for his ailment. “That bitch kept unfolding the blankets we were using as a stretcher and she had me touching blood. Now I’m fucked. I hope she is, too.”
The Chinese woman’s name, condition and existence have not been independently confirmed, but hatesec assured doctors that regardless of her condition, she is an ignorant asshole.
Hatesec is probably going to die because he could not afford his ObamaCare but even if he could, he maintains that ObamaCare is a form of socialism and roundly rejects its validity. So he will be stored in a plastic box where he can no longer contaminate society with his filthy body, and filthy ideals.
“Think about how handy FEMA coffins will be when the virus breaks out though,” Kilgoar said. “You’re going to want those plastic sealed containers. You don’t wanna burn up, that just lets it out. You want to lock it away in a plastic container.”
Leading Pathologist at Princeton University Dr. Angstrom H. Trouboladore, described the added danger of burning hatesec’s corpse, and other American corpses.
“You know what happens when you burn a body? Its internal organs — its stomach explodes, and it can squirt out fluids 20 feet away,” Trouboladore said. “It could happen, you know.”
Several flights were cancelled heading into and out of Cuthbert Friday.
President Barack Hussein Obama was visibly upset by what they done to our boys in upstate Canada.
Wash. D.C.—Not to be pushed into obscurity, Al Qaeda has teamed up again with #ISIS to deliver the deadliest biological weapon known to man: Living Ebola carriers who are not yet symptomatic will bring the virus from Africa to the United States by exploiting dangerous flaws in airport security.
Once thought to be a Western myth, ISIS was originally kicked out of the Al Qaeda terror-ring for being “too extreme.” But desperate times call for desperate crimes, according to the world’s biggest Muslim, President Barack Hussein Obama. And Al Qaeda’s back, and blacker than ever.
“Conventional warfare is no longer hip,” Obama said Wednesday. “If Al Qaeda’s going to keep up, they’re going to have to play by a whole new set of fucked up rules.”
The new wave of terror, dubbed by the President as “Terror 3.0,” is spearheaded by a Canadian sleeper cell bearing direct ties to #ISIS. Rumor has it they had plans to attack a Parliamentary building in Ottawa, however there is no evidence to suggest they carried out their idle, meaningless threats. Still, Obama has said, the new terrorists do not need sleep. They persist without food, air or water. They are white ghosts behind the black, ink-stained pages of pure, unwritten history.
“The terrorist is a grim-faced lunatic who wants nothing more than to destroy freedom by instilling fears into the hearts of good, white American people, and exterminate babies out of hatred for life itself,” Obama said. “They eat clean coal for breakfast and sweat concentrated, crude oil. Just one glance from one of these Jihadist maniacs can turn even our bravest soldiers into stone.”
The president, who has already spoken out against the terrorist organization’s heinous crimes against babies, sparked controversy again by mandating forcible, rape-like anal searches for every man, woman, and especially child, coming into the US via airplane.
“I want fingers in every hole,” the President dictated. “There will be the gnashing of teeth. There will be … tribulation.”
President Obama prepares to enter his final form.
And with the last breath of his final, ominous warning, the President of the United States exploded into a cloud of bats, enveloping the front row of the White House Press Corps, and carried them to Mount Vesuvius where torture awaits lost souls.
The devil is coming, scripture reads. The Antichrist is borne of hatred and paranoid superstition. And he’s looking you right in the eyes, promising a better tomorrow in 2016.
