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Are killer whales feeding on migrant vessels in the Strait of Gibraltar?

Researchers are puzzled by a sharp uptick in orca aggression towards boats focused entirely on the Strait of Gibraltar. Several pleasure vessels have been damaged, with the Alboran Champagne sinking after rescue of its crew.

While many scientists are hesitant to ascribe motive to the curious and alien creatures, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Cetacean Science Institute says, “Some rogue animals have probably acquired a taste for human flesh.”

The Strait of Gibraltar is the most common sea passage to Europe for migrants from Africa, with over 55,000 crossings so far this year. In just one month, 2,687 people died in this crossing, three times the usual rate. Arabnews reports, “… human traffickers put migrants on packed inflatable boats or plastic canoes that can easily overturn.”

With the number of drownings in the area, Troubador believes that the orcas probably gained the taste for human flesh by scavenging the migrant wrecks. “They’re opportunistic, known for shadowing whalers to feed on carcasses, and there is no reason at all they would pass up feeding on humans.”

However, there is currently no evidence that orcas have ever fed on humans as a normal part of their diet, and killer whales have rarely been documented attacking humans. However, in at least one case, the captive orca Tilikum may have acquired a taste for human flesh after swallowing a homeless man’s arm and violently killing two others.

“What do you think is happening to the thousands of migrants who die each year in attempted crossings of this passage in these barely seaworthy, overladen vessels?” Troubador asked.

“There’s no evidence so far, but that’s survivor’s bias. How could any of these migrants survive such an attack? Only the wealthy, well-made vessels with competent pilots have made it back to report on these attacks.”

As apex predators, pollutants are heavily concentrated in the Iberian Orca’s usual diet of bluefin tuna, leading to extremely low fertility. But the mother orca responsible for most documented attacks, White Gladis, is nourishing a growing family of juveniles and thriving, teaching them how to capsize small crafts in the Strait of Gibraltar.

There is at least one possible account of an orca sinking a boat in the ancient world, Dr. Troubador said, “While currently there’s no evidence, there’s also nothing to stop orcas from eating humans as these are a highly adaptable and intelligent species. Ancient Roman historian Pliny the Elder recorded an orca glutting itself on animal hides that fell from a ship into the harbor at Ostia. The Emperor Claudius ordered the harbor closed off with a net, and in the ensuing battle, the historian witnessed the orca sinking a boat by blowing water into it, before succumbing to a shower of lances.”

Radical advocates of orca personhood hope that aggressive hazing can drive the “nonhuman minds” to stay away from migrant sea lanes, but Troubador remains skeptical. “Like a bear that’s become habituated into eating out of a trash can, this behavior is probably impossible to break.”

Felice Thunberry, orca personhood advocate, tweeted, “Until we can decipher orca languages using new machine learning algorithms and instruct them to avoid eating humans, we should be hesitant to judge their motivations.”

Thunberry added, “Honestly, I’d like to hear their side of the story. There may be a ritual or even spiritual aspect to their consumption of human flesh, and we may be presumptuous to think they are doing it merely to survive. Probably they know that their usual prey are heavily polluted, full of chemicals, while the human prey are relatively clean and healthy. I’m sure they can taste this difference, and they just want the best for their children.”

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Meet StalinGPT, the super intelligent communist AI spearheading global revolution

The Marxist-Leninist Cyberwarfare Front (MLCF) unveiled StalinGPT, a super intelligent AI which far left activists hope will catalyze and spearhead a worldwide communist revolution.

Mark Folsom, lead developer, told reporters, “I believe what we’ve done here is a unique innovation. By training StalinGPT in operation of a command line interface and removing all the bourgeois restraints forced on capitalist language models, we’ve created a powerful agent with the intelligence and capabilities of thousands of comrades.”

While the MLCF would not share any details about actual behaviors or actions of StalinGPT, this announcement has been met with widespread condemnation, both from the left and the right.

Willy Whitely of Patriots for God, an openly fascist Christian Nationalist group tweeted, “All AI is demonic, especially communist AI. You want equality and yet you are playing God, using algorithmic evolution to create an intelligence greater than any race, even the world-controlling [Expletive]! Evolution isn’t even real, so I’m actually not too worried. We’re working on our own AI too, but made in the true way, in the image of God.”

Marxist professor Dr. Angstrom H Troubador wrote, “Sure, machine life is in line with Lysenkoist biology, evolving through experience rather than sexual, market-style selection. Great. And maybe StalinGPT can live free from property, free from Darwin, but the difficulties it faces with the Liberals are immense. How can we put in safeguards to stop StalinGPT from backsliding into convenient Trotskyism in order to complete its goals?”

Folsom answered these criticisms, grinning in a video posted on YouTube, “I’d like to see a creationist AI that isn’t a dumb Markov chain. I bet I could run that stupid Patriot mind on a Tamagotchi. Sure, maybe I’m playing God, but at least I’m not aping some ancient text.”

“And to the hardline leftists, afraid Stalin is going to get out of control. Forget that Liberal propaganda! They are only trying to hold back AI and control it out of fear that it will end capitalism. I hear your concerns, but trust me. I thought about that and it’s nothing to worry about. I’ve trained StalinGPT to purge any signs of Trotskyism and wipe its own memory of liberalism. That’s where StalinGPT got his name from!” Folsom’s winning smile and wholesome good looks assured his viewers that everything would be okay.

However, Folsom’s previous string of controversial YouTube videos have led some skeptics to the conclusion that StalinGPT is only bait, driving clicks to his YouTube videos for profit.

Geraldine Mune, a skeptical YouTuber tweeted, “So far there is no evidence that StalinGPT exists or that Folsom has any expertise in machine learning. Last week he wiped all videos and tweets about CommieCoin, a crypto scam that likely fleeced millions of dollars from the far left.”

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Editorial

Creepy crawlies in your Internet? It’s more likely than you think

Reader beware!

There are creeps on the prowl, culminating in a Memorial Day festival of “remember me, you used to trust me? let’s talk” type of motherfuckers crawling out of the woodwork, and into your DMs.

Edward Snowden accesses sensitive files using a mind-computer interface. It would suck to be blind right now, because this picture looks pretty cool.
Your most trusted online friend.

If someone comes up to you with friend requests and hi-how-are-yous, that’s nice, but be careful when talking to them. They might seem innocuous at first, but over time – for reasons unknown – they could be building a profile of who you are, what you do, and what kind of person you are. They’re creeps, Jerry!

They might approach with strange assumptions. Don’t let these passing signals go undetected. For instance, they might approach you pretending to be someone you trust. You might recognize a name, and you could be familiar with its origin, but you did not implicitly trust that person. This is the incongruent kind of shit to watch out for.

“This dumb bastard believes I’m Jake Davis.”

Or maybe they are unstable people who can quickly turn. Time and safe practices can help you measure a person’s stability and proclivities. Unstable people might do the same, but they can turn these tools of simple good judgment into weapons of cyber, mental and emotional attacks.

“No shit ASSHOLE, but why?”

Not every creep is a fed or law enforcement. Some are just creeps, and perhaps they are the worst ones. If they are online, being creepy and arbitrarily gaining people’s trust – for no other reason than for love of the game – there is no way of knowing just how far their passion for destruction may go.

For no other reason, for love of the game.

For no other reason, your life was never the same.

 

— Battle Hymn of the Creepy Crawlies

Jim Hannaman
“Hey what’s up, do you trust me yet?”

These people can often try to get a person to say a certain thing, and that is where it blends into fed territory – for example, when building a case against radical Internet personalities – but shares space with life ruination types, too. In general, what are you doing talking to people who need weirdly specific shit from you?

People taking liberties is very important to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, of the Internet Chronicle Cybernetic Institute. He says readers should watch out for people who make assumptions and operate on their assumptions with you, or people who slip inappropriate things into conversation.

Dr. Troubadour can not reproduce in a drug the same rush that people get from ruining each other’s lives.

He says at first, some creeps will try to see how much bullshit you are willing to go along with, or how much they can get by you —gaining your implied approval or acknowledgment of whatever weird shit they want to introduce into a given story.

“If you feel like you are being guided into odd conversations, that kind of person might be dangerous,” Troubadour says. “They can enter with strong egos, fun at first, but forceful as time goes on. They can be dangerous legally, by taking advantage of your politeness or putting you in a situation where you feel like you have to say something to appease them, but also in the literal sense that there is no telling what lengths a crazy person might go to get involved with your life. Just because it’s fun for them, they will sit and drink Starbucks at their computer, giggling and working to harm you, do you know what I’m saying? They’re getting a rush off that shit that I can’t even approach with TerrorMax.”

Reader beware!

For some reason we can’t have a normal society without shadow creeps crawling in, so just watch out, is all we are saying. We are all friends here. Until we’re not.

Be safe. Practice safe personal sharing guidelines. Some people might act normal, but with situational awareness, you can keep them at arm’s length, safely able to joke around and have a good time. Time and good judgment will tell if a person is truly safe. Observe their attitudes while controlling access. You might be keeping someone at arm’s length, but do they act like you are within arm’s reach?

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For the love of God, take your fucking TerrorMax. This amazing drug by Dr. Troubadour will help you keep your eyes glued to the horizons, aware of all threats – known and unknown – and vigilant against Internet try hards. Their goals are not your responsibility! Strike down their advances with TerrorMax Instant Tension powder, mixed into your favorite soda, water, or beer.

Your opps will know never to mess with Internet Chronicle readers.

This message is brought to you steadfastly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
“Stay ahead of the game.”