Internet Chronicle

MOSCOW — In what may go down as one of the most treasonous acts in the history of the United States, Edward Snowden has fled to Moscow en route to Venezuela in order to avoid prosecution for leaks that his supporters claim can’t possibly damage American security interests. “Either he will stay in Russia for the rest of his life, or we will reroute his flight from Venezuela to Guantanamo Bay using F-22 Raptors,” said President Obama in a private conversation leaked and tweeted by Snowden.

Snowden first revealed a massive surveillance program that allegedly targeted American citizens, which was followed by denials from President Obama and other officials. For much of the public, this confirmed their worst fear that the government could, in some cases, eavesdrop on telephone and internet conversations without warrant and trigger criminal investigations.

In his second round of leaks, Snowden uncovered crucial details of American espionage programs targeting China. In spite of this, Snowden supporters maintained he has not damaged American security. Pro-Snowden pundits like Glen Greenwild have pointed out that espionage operations in China are “illegal,” just like all espionage ever, and Snowden’s benefactors refuse to believe this kind of disclosure is an act of espionage with or without treasonous intent.

WASHINGTON — Just a day after espionage charges were filed against whistleblower Edward Snowden, President Obama held a press conference to publicly issue a pardon clearing Snowden of all wrongdoing. “The NSA wasn’t just spying on folks at home,” said the President, “But they’ve been spying on me and members of congress, blackmailing us left and right.” President Obama went on to say, “I still occasionally enjoy a marijuana cigarette once in a while, and the NSA thought that would be enough to shut me up. Well, not anymore.”

Secret service agents clashed with private defense contractors at the NSA datacenter in Bluffdale, Utah. Early reports suggest 74 men were killed and hundreds injured, but the NSA is now firmly in Obama’s grips.

Snowden has refused to return to the U.S., and issued a statement from his new office at MSS headquarters in Wuhan that he would remain in exile until things had “cooled off” back home.

LOS ANGELES–The LAPD has hidden evidence of explosives used to wreck the car of deceased journalist and enemy of the state Michael Hastings. Thanks to hacker journalist Julian Assange, who quickly accessed the LAPD’s smartphone network, the insidious plotting of the power mad dictators in public office has finally seen the light.

Michael Hastings was famous for ruining the careers of hundreds of generals and was currently working on uncovering the use of MKULTRA drugs by the FBI which destroyed the career of Barrett Brown and Frank Mason of the Internet Chronicle. Hastings was also reportedly working on another story which would reveal whistleblower Edward Snowden’s plan to defect to China, where he would act as a triple agent disinforming Chinese cyberwarriors about the NSA’s surveillance systems. Naomi Woolf pointed out that knowledge of the government’s panoptic gaze has only had a psychological effect on American citizens who are now more fearful to speak out against this kind of state terror than ever before. Once Snowden defects, agents hope Glen Greenwild’s career will be forever destroyed in light of his rushed, shoddy reporting and cooperation with Snowden, the soon-to-be Chinese defector.