Internet Chronicle

LAS VEGAS — In what may come to be a medical landmark, “Chumlee” Russell of Pawn Stars fame died from a marijuana overdose Monday night and was found by friend “Big Hoss” Harrison on Tuesday morning. Earlier this year, “Chumlee” was arrested with seven pounds of marijuana which he asserted were all for personal use.

According to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “The only possible way he could have died from a marijuana overdose without first clogging his lungs with soot is through the use of vaporizers. Reportedly, Chumlee had rigged up to 90 vaporizers into one tube and had a team of groupies constantly loading them up with the stickiest and most potent of marijuana available on the market.”

Fans and family mourn the loss of “Chumlee” and have taken the opportunity to speak out against drug abuse. “To die like that, it’s just a shame,” said Rick Harrison, manager of the world famous Gold and Silver Pawn Shop, as he teared up. “It’s just a shame to lose such a fun guy as Chum. Rest in peace, buddy.”

INTERNET — News broke Friday that the government had wiretapped and extensively spied on the Associated Press for reporting on terrorist activities. This was quickly followed by a now-deleted tweet in support of the shadowy collective of hackers known as Anonymous.

A spokesperson for the AP refused to comment, leading some to speculate the tweet was the result of hackers from Anonymous. Others believe this was possibly a false flag attack from the CIA aimed at discrediting the AP.

INTERNET — Google insiders have leaked that the fundamental Algorithm, which guides all of their services, is going to be completely replaced with a new, hyper-efficient version called New Google. No longer will users be burdened with typing the first letter of their search terms, New Google will extrapolate searches based on past patterns.

New Google, as it has been dubbed, was so powerful some beta users suffered seizures after being instantly satiated and then flooded with a stream of information which was “far too rich and rapid,” according to New Google engineer Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. “But we toned down the information depth, cut back the pace. It’s much safer now.”

One beta tester reportedly fell into a celebrity death-hoax loop which ended in New Google feeding the subject a stream of nothing but articles from the Internet Chronicle. He left the computer shaking uncontrollably, but these adverse psychological symptoms were treated successfully with valium. The algorithm has since been altered, but Dr. Troubador warned that New Google should only be used with great care. “The tools of the gods are now in the hands of mere apes, or perhaps more accurately the apes have found new gods which are more powerful than ever before.”