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Law News Politics Uncontrollable Patriotism

Watertown heralds Police State invasion

Eagerly jacked into the story developments on corporate-controlled television media, twitter, facebook, and in this case real life, Redditors eat junk food and excitedly watch police storm through their house.
Redditors enjoy a front-page appearance and are aroused as agents storm through their house.

BOSTON — 9/11 fans rejoiced Thursday after Boston Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was arrested by thousands of paramilitary police units which stormed through nearly 10,000 houses in Watertown, systematically invading every home in the area.

Citizens lauded the merciless efficiency and overwhelming numbers of police who found Tsarnaev critically injured and hiding in a boat.

Eagerly jacked into the story developments on corporate-controlled television media, Twitter, Facebook, and in many cases in real life, Redditors ate junk food and excitedly watched police storm through their houses.

A collective sigh of relief echoed through the Twittersphere when the police announced, “CAPTURED!!! The hunt is over. The search is done. The terror is over. And justice has won. Suspect in custody.” Exuberant families ran into the streets chanting, “U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!”

Police photographers captured the barbarian’s arrest and tweeted it to their quivering, orgasmic fans in real time.

Glorious Stormtroopers accost fiendish Muslim enemy.
Glorious Stormtroopers accost fiendish Muslim enemy.
"Can't tell if Fox News or Facebook."
“Can’t tell if Fox News or Facebook.”

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News

FBI REVEALS PHOTOS OF BOSTON BOMBERS

The "cocky" pair of bombers walks through the crowd.
The “cocky” pair of bombers walks through the crowd.
The black-capped suspect disguised himself with sunglasses.
The black-capped suspect disguised himself with sunglasses.
Is the white-hatted suspect on a cell phone? With WHO?
Is the white-hatted suspect on a cellphone? With WHOM?

 

Suspect in the gangster-looking white hat looks through the crowd.
Suspect in the gangster-looking white hat looks through the crowd.

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News

YourAnonNews to launch Activist News Network

Anonymous News Network to serve up the unerring truth -- a blatant threat towards the Internet Chronicle's market-share.
Anonymous News Network to serve up the unerring truth — a blatant threat towards the Internet Chronicle’s market-share.

INTERNET — This week, news broke that the YourAnonNews twitter account, with over a million followers, successfully raised $54,000 through merchandising and donations which will go towards founding the Activist News Network. This idea immediately brought painful ties with the abject Nazi-run Presstorm to the memory of critics. Presstorm was an Anonymous-related news site which disintegrated when management ran anti-Occupy scare propaganda at a time when the protest movement was just getting off the ground.

Members of YourAnonNews, with the possible exception of Presstorm collaborators, do not appear to actually write news stories, conduct interviews, or place hard-hitting reporters like Tyler Bass of The Internet Chronicle on the scene at pivotal moments in WikiLeaks history. Rather, YourAnonNews is a marketing-related news-aggregation group which, at its most creative, serves up naive platitudes to as many ravenous teenage radicals as possible and connects hordes of jabbering idiots with the glorious and infallible Internet Chronicle.

A nascent anti-YourAnonNews group, AnonsAgainstYAN, has completely reified and magnified the problems of YourAnonNews by stripping the formula of all news unrelated to YourAnonNews and bringing the anti-platitude platitudes to a new low. This group immediately became wildly popular and led  several high-profile members of YourAnonNews to question their affiliation before completely forsaking their Anonymous identification. Because Anonymous swarms form in the same way as locusts — infighting and cannibalism leads to a biological change which turns docile grasshoppers into a frenzy of ravenous locusts — resident Anonymous experts at the Internet Chronicle expect a monumental shitstorm to hit within the week.