Internet Chronicle

THE “STYLISH” ALTERNATIVE to previous CYBERMOVEMENTS!

The Cypherpunk dream looks like Julian Assange and nobody’s inside the Matrix fighting with Wintermute. The Internet, however, is filled with flying penises and people are trying to ENJOY this damned thing without falling into absolute doubt about every possibly fake piece of information. Thankfully, the art of Rhizomatics has been perfected by the Philosopher and Free Energy Mogul Alrart.

A primer for students of Rhizomatics (It’s like Marxism for Social Media!)

Social Media is quickly becoming the primary vector for all Media. Information from millions of channels comes in disjointed video clips, image macros, and extraordinarily deep hypertext messages. The ideal Metapunk is immersed in this torrent of information, both learning from it and teaching constantly, plunging forever into the abyss that is internet knowledge.

A novel approach to learning

The ideal Metapunk is a Metadidact, or one who learns mostly through the small bits of information passed on by others. Rhizomatics has only begun to study this new dynamic, but Metaknowledge is only different from traditional academic knowledge in that it does not come through a course of directed studies, but rather a self-determined exploration process which may span a wide range of disciplines and include even the most advanced materials. Guidance from experts and firm understanding of the importance of context is the only way Metaknowledge can even be made useful, and experts in all fields are obligated to become Social Media intellectuals! They must themselves become Metadidacts, but they need not participate in pedagogy!

The horrific Abyss of Knowledge

Metapunks and the world at large are forced to confront confused and archaic ideas for art, ethics, etiquette, and metaphysics in the uncharted territory of metaknowledge. Hoaxes roam free, and lies flourish. Anonymous and pseudonymous users confuscate the very ideas of identity, gender, and “geniuine.” Artificial Intelligence is sitting on our doorstep, waiting to be unwrapped, but what will we find inside? The only dose of skepticism hefty enough to deal with all these questions and uncertainty may not seem sane!

And it is insane, technically!

To survive, the Metapunk revels in multiple personalities! The best way to face the uncertainty of sockpuppets is knowledge of sockpuppets! Explore other personalities today! 

In what is turning out to be the worst case of popular sacrilege since the Jyllands-Posten Muhammad cartoons controversy, Sunday, the infamous street artist Banksy boldly desecrated the Western Wall with an absurdly simple and gratuitous anti-war message in a contrived media event designed to boost his own brand of so-called “anti-celebrity.”

Orthodox Rabbi Shlomo Amar has called this incident the “Worst outrage since the holocaust, and all Gentiles should be punished unequivocally and without discretion.”

Cultural Critic Slavoj Žižek deconstructed, “My God! It’s as if God has no clothes!”

Conspiracy theorists in Israel have identified “Banksy” as a Muslim citizen of the UK named Hayed Al-Achmed. We reached Al-Achmed for comment, and he denied these accusations categorically and provided proof from his employer that he could not have possibly been in Jerusalem at the time of the blasphemy.

Nonetheless, the already tense and religiously charged situation in Israel has instantly degenerated. Seemingly taking this event as a cue, at least 70 rockets have been fired towards Israeli settlements, and Israel has been accused of launching White Phosphorous munitions from drones onto Exploited Palestinian Ghetto Cities.

Banksy has remained unavailable for comment.

Let’s face the facts if we’re going to be a bunch of rational Scientist Atheist fanboys, okay? Neil DeGrasse Tyson is no Carl Sagan or Slavoj Žižek.  I’m a cultural critic now, because I watch a lot of Slavoj Žižek, so I’m going to “deconstruct” the hell out of this situation for ya.

I know this is stinking disgusting, hell, it’s racist of me to say this, but it has to be said. White Guilt is the biggest reason Neil Degrasse Tyson has become an internet celebrity rage comic source for Athiest hardons.

Hell, White Guilt is the biggest reason Obama got elected. You won’t see me over with the “Birthers” tellin’ you Neil Tyson’s some kind of a Manchurian candidate raised to this holy pulpit of Scientific-Atheist-Hero-Myth-Religion by the Muslim-Satan-BLUEBEAM-AncientAlien-Agenda, but I will tell ya this. He’s not famous for being smart. Okay, well, he is famous for being relatively “smart,” but we can’t even begin to put him in the same room as Sagan, Žižek, or even that Anarchist Bastard Occupy Cultist Chomsky.

Carl Sagan’s central role and massive contribution to “Space Science” cannot be overlooked.

Sagan was Dir. of the Laboratory for Planetary Studies and David Duncan Prof. of Astronomy and Space Sciences at Cornell University. He played a leading role in the Mariner, Viking and Voyager expeditions to the planets and was a recipient of the Pulitzer Prize for literature. He died in 1996.

Slavoj Žižek stands on equally “hollowed” ground, and is even compared to Jacques Derrida on “WikiPedia!”

He has made contributions to political theory, film theory and theoretical psychoanalysis. “One of the world’s best known public intellectuals” according to John Gray[2], it has been said that “Žižek is to today what Jacques Derrida was to the 80s: the thinker of choice for Europe’s young intellectual vanguard”.

So what contributions, what great scientific advancements, what major accomplishment is Neil DeGrasse Tyson known for most?

As director of the Hayden Planetarium, Tyson bucked traditional thinking in order to keep Pluto from being referred to as the ninth planet in exhibits at the center…this decision has resulted in large amounts of hate mail, much of it from children.

Every time the following glyph is posted to the Internet, Black Tinkerbell loses her wings. But that’s right! Faeries are rarely Black except in fanart. Oh there I go mentioning the race thing again. Wouldn’t it be better if no one ever talked about the undercurrent of racism so it would just disappear from your sweet insulated whitebread suburban internet life?

Yes, you are dealing with a badass over here. Why doesn’t the Internet understand Tyson is “apart” of the bottom-tier of Public Intellectuals?! He says a few things about Atheists, and all the Atheists who have never even CONSIDERED serious theology or philosophy turn him into some substitute holy man. All hail Neil DeGrasse Tyson, the guy who took Pluto out of our Planetariums!!!1 Bitch, we want MORE planets, not less! Can’t you understand this!? I’d LOVE to have 1,000 planets. WTF is an exoplanet? As if Pluto’s somehow not a part of our god damn Sun’s Timespace Gravitywell. Sheesh! Get outta my Rage Comics, I hate ’em enough already!