Your Town, U.S.A.– ISPs are working out a deal with the FBI to track what you do online and hand it over to them.
The FBI will monitor IPs, domains and websites you visit, and the Bureau is even talking about gaining access to direct URLs if they can successfully bypass the Wiretap Act, which has been proven all but impossible through scientific research conducted by Elf Wax Laboratories.
While no accusations are being made, the FBI stresses that this is primarily targeted at child porn. FBI spokesperson Robert Mueller said, “We’re looking to get as much of it as possible.”
Unfortunately, no significant progress has been made on this yet, but don’t you already feel like someone is watching you?
The World’s first Black President announced America’s first official language Tuesday.
Following the announcement, President Barack Hussein Obama signed the panama canal back over to Colombia and declared his oneness with both the Virgin Mary and T-Pain.
Following shortly behind Hussein Obama’s speech, Sheikh Mohammed declared on Al-Jazeera the President’s actions to be “an acceptable beginning to further talks of uniting the Mid-East and The US once and for all.”
The only problem is that the people of both Columbia and the Middle East as a whole are against T-Pain and his “Recklessly progessive” use of Auto-Tuning software as quoted by one upset Columbian Woman.
Christina Martinez is visibly upset
Critics of auto-tuning software cite its abuse by “musicians” like the unlistenable Cher, or the overplayed Souljah Boi or whatever.
T-Pain measures the crack-cocaine ratio of this award
Since Pres. Obama’s monumental handout of the Panama canal to the Columbians there have been 4,039 oraganized protests against T-Pain, the Obama Presidency, and Auto-Tuning in general.
To import more Farsi-speaking slaves, the Colombians use the Panama Canal, taxing all other travelers for different amounts, depending on where their gasoline comes from.
The best example of our failures as a society comes from auto-tuning, unearthed as the music industry dried up following the demise of Britney Spears, Puff Daddy, and Kanye West, who does not care about white people.
“Nowadays,” said Chief Music Appreciation Expert of The Elf Wax Times Carlos Bannana, “You can simply turn on the auto-tune machine, some phasers, set the tremelo on full-blast and play one note, listening as it magically unfolds into a unique, progressive song before your very eyes and ears.”
Today, Mahatma Gandhi’s ashes were scattered off the South African coast in a ceremony 62 years late. This was an all too appropriate metaphor for the state of peace in today’s world. India is an emerging country full of promise and growth. However, it is engaged in a nuclear cold war with long-time enemy Pakistan. Both countries may soon go the way of Gandhi. At any moment, every man woman and child may be reduced to nothing but radioactive dust spread across the high seas.
Martin Luther King’s remains are currently buried in Atlanta Georgia at The King Center and by all reports are undisturbed. Books and resources such as t-shirts and mugs can be found adjacent to his grave in the book store or purchased online.
Malcom X towers impressively over Martin Luther King Jr.
Malcom X, communist and black supremacist is widely known for his friendship with dictator Fidel Castro and high rank as a terrorist spokesperson for the Nation of Islam. In his struggle for the advancement of blacks, Malcom X achieved the greatest success of any American of the time through promotion of violence and hatemongering. Powerful echoes of his philosophy still ring today from other members of the Nation of Islam, such as John Allen Muhammed, the DC Sniper.
Cesar Chavez, the most prominent proponent of non-violent protest to die peacefully, is buried at the National Chavez Memorial located at Nuestra Señora Reina de La Paz. The gift store sells mementos and memorabilia which honor the life of Cesar Chavez and help fund construction of the complex on the 186 acre site. Work has not yet begun on an online gift store.
Because these “living memorials” nickle and dime grave visitors in the name of peace, the legacy they seek to uphold has been washed clean from American society. Every year America spends nearly as much on “defense” as every single country in the world combined, and this is not an issue. The issue, Elf Wax analysts say, is that non-violent protesters simply didn’t get the job done. “The government’s still around, and still stamping all over the constitution on which it was once founded,” said Elf Wax Revolutionary, Jay Chimera.
“What the nation needs is a call to arms, for Americans to rise up violently and take a bloody stand against their government. No more pussing around; if you hold a sign over your head today, then tomorrow it is your duty to send that message with a gun, or a flaming cask of Vaseline.”
If our instincts as journalists are correct, which they undoubtedly are, then Chimera was right when he said non-violent protests don’t accomplish anything. If they have any impact at all it is certainly negative. When the U.S. Government wants something, it takes it by force. The Government has never scored a big win by “protesting.” When China jailed its leading human rights activist, America protested. But when Elian Gonzales was discovered to be hoarding valuable American resources in his illegal home, America brought out the guns.
Who's taking care of their business here?
So when the government sees peaceful protesters on the streets chanting and carrying signs, they assume we must not want it that bad.
And that is why The Elf Wax Times is here to report on the issue of non-violent protests. If you want peace, then you must kill for it. This is now the primary directive of our mission statement.
“But one must always remember,” said Chimera, “Nobody likes a warmongering hatefaxer. So when you go on the warpath against the government, be sure that you don’t develop a thirst for murder, or else you’re next.” In essence, Chimera intimated one must learn to kill without remorse or personal emotional backlash.
Naturally, Americans have already nominated Barack Obama as tomorrow’s Peace Warrior Chief. “The guy’s built for the role. He’s already won the Nobel Peace Prize,” said Lebal Drocer Chemical Weapons Department Chair and violence enthusiast Lester Gladstone. Look at how many Afghanis are meeting their death at the hands of a Nobel Peace Prize Laureate.
Your Town, U.S.A.– ISPs are working out a deal with the FBI to track what you do online and hand it over to them.
