Anonymous 2.0 has, under the leadership of Commander X, developed Artificial Intelligence Digital Guillotines which will ‘behead’ billionaires by simply deleting their assets. Commander X issued a press release that detailed the position of Anonymous 2.0 against many popular trends in activism which have been co-opted by moneyed influencers buying propaganda on the internet.

In defense of an ancient taboo which forbids visits to the supposedly divine realm on top of a barren volcano top, indigenous groups in Hawaii clash with SWAT teams. It has been centuries since the building of the first telescopes and defiance of such taboos disproved simplistic godlike entities either on mountains or in the sky. What twisted version of ‘leftism’ would open Mauna Kea to a backwards nobility along racial and religious lines rather than to the helpful university nerds with only the most sophisticated telescopes?

In a writing session for Star Trek, a black man recounts the racial slurs that were used against him, after which he receives a polite call from HR informing him that the use of the N-word is not permitted. Using politeness to silence those who would speak truth to power is a classic right-wing control freak angle, and I may even be caught feigning surprise at this slipping into a writing room for what was once the gold standard for the highest acceptable levels of ‘leftism’ on television.

Water protectors stand up for the universal solvent and against the titanic earth-shattering fossil fuel industry, hosed down by the life-giving liquid in the dead of winter, and yet still standing proud, ranks fortified by the Siberian polymer astroturf. In the final defense of this last sick strip of desert, after all else is stolen by the white man, the former ways of life are gone but not forgotten. Ancient people once slashed and burned whole forests, dressed in megafauna furs like anyone else, smoking those giant haunches on nightly piles of fresh wood, wood which releases more carbon than coal, than oil, than natural gas. Turn back the clock, dismantle capitalism, the ‘leftists’ argue, and we can all die breathing natural wood smoke and scratching into the dirt with our bare hands.

Nature is the basis of Capitalist dogma and it is a small trick to turn an impassioned leftist into a mad stooge for some business interest or another. The internet, which was supposed to give humanity a global village and inspire understanding or democracy has instead provided propagandists with cheap and easy access to mind-control millions. Fake news, fake people, fake movements, fake outrages. Go to burger king and pay an extra dollar to enjoy the fake meat that tastes more of beef than the authentic grey mystery beef. Get on twitter and tune into the fake extreme communists who speak endlessly of their Capitalist rights to race dignity, sex dignity, and all the other bulwarks that must be perpetually renewed to protect the very rich from the death touch of socialism.

Let this be the stark departure from the politics of celebrity slurs, impolite moments, criticism of trivial bits of culture, and all the other fake radical left politics that obsesses itself with anything but total class war. That is why Anonymous 2.0 is now deploying its Digital Guillotines!

Hell fire, brother! Dr. Troubadour here, and have I got a horoscope for YOU. It’s hatesec’s birthday, so y’all can “Suck My Dick” (which I recently tattooed over a young Brooklyn woman’s eyebrow, granting her new spiritual energy!) and read this here horoscope. Get right with astrology, and the stars may align in your favor. Offend me, and I will pray to the devil to send the Moon straight into your fucking house. Ungrateful pieces of SHIT!

I got big money on this one. Now! Go forth, and fulfill your astral destinies.

ARIES

Over breakfast on the 14th, dark suspicions around your neighbors begin to grow. Someone at work will say something to indicate they know. They know nothing. Trust the plan.

Your lucky numbers: 3:30 a.m.

TAURUS

Lovely Venus shines in your windows, because you did a bad job blacking them out. It is a distraction, but you will go on because you are strong, independent, and so brave. On the 24th, you will overhear an ignorant conversation taking place. You must fight the urge to interject with everything you know about the subject, because you’re wrong, too, and you’re too self-absorbed to realize it.

Your lucky number: Two smashed eyeballs of unknown origin, waiting for you on a plate in the kitchen.

GEMINI

If you are holding a party or arranging a social occasion, the current planetary arrangement is unsuitable for success. Do not let Venus shine in your home zone, inspiring hopelessness and disarray. On the 21st, avoid skin contact with Pisces.

Your lucky number: 21,000 ug

CANCER

Tired of hearing that nice guys finish last, you turn bitter on the 18th. On the 21st you could turn that “best friend” into an acquaintance with one funny text message. You might never understand your role in the world, and die with questions unanswered. Chicks just aren’t ready for a guy like you.

Your lucky number: BLOCKED

LEO

You may think today’s events will feel “business as usual,” but you would be wrong. The current planetary alignment could indicate that a disruption may actually be a blessing in disguise, as you realize this whole horoscope thing is wearing a bit thin, and it might be time to consider drug abuse therapy. Watch for gasoline rain.

Lucky numbers: 69

VIRGO

Today’s astral configuration may feel like a hole in the ozone layer, but what the fuck do you know? I am the zodiac master, and you are nothing. You read horoscopes, and your horoscope says the astral configuration is about to totally wreck your shit. Check my astrology: You could fall more deeply in love than you would have under any other alignment of the planets. However, you will recklessly reveal gross, unattractive human vulnerability and a loved one you trusted will turn their back on you!

Your lucky numbers: [Deleted]

LIBRA

Venus enters Sagittarius on the 18th, making the third week of August a good time to start a secret new family in another town. Stop wondering what if, confront your fears, and get to work on your ‘other life.’ If shit goes belly-up, you can always go out for a pack of smokes.

Your lucky number: Unavailable

SCORPIO

On the 15th, a cosmic boost gives you special powers to make important changes to the starting lineup for the Charlotte Hornets 2020 roster. It’s fantasy fucking basketball in this bitch, as you literally alter history as we know it, for this trivial goal. Might as well gamble on it! Stay awake all night Sunday doing blow and placing bets, because come Monday morning you’ll be remembered as the final boss of Draft Kings dot com. The 20th pays your escape into the woods, never to be seen again. You will be presumed dead after a halfhearted search effort is called off.

Your lucky numbers: 14, 15, 30

SAGITTARIUS

ICE detention centers will enter your thoughts on the 18th! On the 20th and 21st, the Moon in your sign gives you the courage to retweet something about it. Your guilt is too strong to bear alone. Have a trusted friend or family member turn you in to the authorities at once for sympathetic re-education.

Your lucky numbers: 9, 1, and then 1 again if you’re sure

CAPRICORN

On the 15th, a Full Moon gives you the dicking of a lifetime. You will give everything to experience this level of joy again, chasing a ghostly dragon you think you saw, just around the next bend in your life. Insecurity-inducing planets are conspiring on the 19th, so keep your head low! There’s no turning back now. You live for taking dick.

Your lucky number: 1,000 dickery doos

AQUARIUS

The moon in your sign illuminates your dim wit on the 17th. Horseshit tax regulations may go into effect on the 18th but there are loopholes. Watch Prison Planet on MSNBC until prison no longer seems so bad.

Your lucky numbers: 50 to life, and the 5th

PISCES

A hilarious fuck-up is in store on the 15th — and you’ll take the blame! From now on, people will only glance at you out of the corner of their eye, but somehow you’ll still feel the burning hatred of their judgment. On the 19th, don’t settle for this. Plan your revenge on society at large, until Venus exits Sagittarius. Then, wait for instructions in that abandoned house near the edge of town.

Your lucky numbers: 30, 27, and 18

I’m Dr. Troubadour, I piss clean, and graduated from medical school. My star chart readings have been described as “too real” in the press, but I call the future like I see it. You’re welcome.

INTERNET — Sunday, the White House responded to a FOIA request initiated by investigative journalist Mike Cernovich, revealing proof for one of the strangest rumors about President Trump’s health. These documents showed beyond any doubt that Donald Trump has not defecated for three years, but rather has had his feces removed in a bizarre surgical procedure each morning.

The Internet Chronicle reached resident White House Proctologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, who performs the President’s daily surgery. “Donny was very self-conscious about wearing diapers, he wanted to be more presidential. It turns out we both had the same fixer, Michael Cohen, and he asked me if I could solve Donny’s little ‘poopoo’ problem. It turns out he truly hates taking a shit, and would hold it in for days or even weeks sometimes. But now that he’s begun to lose control, it was ruining his attitude and threatening to spoil or delay important state meetings. Well, I did a little thinking and came up with a quick and dirty solution, daily ass surgery. I don’t like doing it, but the money’s alright, and I owed Michael Cohen more than a few favors.”

Dr. Troubador spoke at length, often filling in details that Internet Chronicle interviewers could not possibly have imagined. “Donny said he just wanted me to sew his rectum shut, but I had to tell him that wouldn’t work. I talked him out of colostomy bags, but I can’t say too much more. The procedure that I developed allows an incredibly wealthy person to totally transcend shitting, and it might make me a billionaire myself if I play my cards right. Soon I’ll find a solution for pissing, too. That’s not far off.”

When pressed about the extravagant expense entailed in the daily fecal extractions, Dr. Troubador confirmed it was certainly funded by taxpayers through a top secret all-cash black budget, “Well of course I’m getting paid with public money, three hundred grand in cash each morning at 6am. Mr. President doesn’t want to take a shit, and so he won’t. I wouldn’t have revealed this at all but I’m just so sick of the job. I’ve done a lot of nasty things for some quick money but yesterday was so bad I’m out. Never again. Plus I think these surgeries are really taking their toll on his decrepit old system, in spite of the future potential for the super wealthy. The day after that ‘10,000 hanberder’ picnic of his, I swore I was out. Maybe Homeland will have something to say to me about national security, but fuck it, it ain’t worth the money anymore. But thanks to all the public funding, I’m very close to finishing a piss-free and shit-free lifestyle solution for the super wealthy! People in the future will look at toilets as a disgusting relic of ancient filth. In fact, this is the biggest invention since toilet paper and hand washing! Just imagine the infinite possibilities!”