Since first signing up for Pinterest, I’ve seen countless pins promoting shit-based exfoliants and masques.

According to groundbreaking research by Dr. Angstrom Human Shitladour, shit takes away puffy eyes, minimizes cellulite, and removes traces of dignity leftover after the last time a reader smeared shit on their faces.

Dr. Shit’s 1982 study even states that it reduces anxiety.

With all these projected benefits up for grabs, I thought I’d give shit skincare a try, and later report the following scientifically valid, fact-based, peer reviewed anecdotes.

Though many prefer coarse shits for scrubs and face masks, they might only do this a few times per week. I wanted to use it everyday.

That is why I created a shit cloth wash rag using locally sourced human feces (which are 100% pure shit). I then added the recommended amount of warm, microwaved buttermilk to make several batches, allowed it to cool, and used it in place of my Neutrogena Nsecurity facewash for one week straight.

This is my shit face wash story

You might be wondering, who am I, and what gives me the right to take up your precious time yammering on about my own face?

Before I began my journey into the world of excrement skincare, I was already feeling pretty good about my skin. Yes, I had a few bumps, blackheads, and a Glasgow smile, but nothing major stood out to me. Overall, I was mostly insecure about the sunken, dead expression in my eyes. Was I supposed to rub shit in my eyes, too?

Day 1

Initially, I was a fan of using pure shit as a face wash. It made me feel awake and alive, as though I’d taken my recommended One-a-Day TerrorMax. I could also feel the shit caked in my pores.

However, as the day went on, I could feel my skin getting…shittier. When I looked in the mirror, I also noticed brown around my nose and T-zone.

Day 2

I noticed a lot more brownness on day 2, and that irritation had spread to the tops of my cheeks. On the plus side, the shit smell still woke me up fast, but I was not exactly happy with my “results” thus far.

Day 3

I feel like the shit makes my beauty mole different? I was applying sunscreen as I normally do and was spending about the same amount of time outside, yet my mole was swollen and inflamed to a proportion that is sure to steal the spotlight. Also, there are itchy red patches on the roof of my mouth.

Day 4

By day 4, I felt like the shit was making me look worse. My face was turning tan as the shit became a sort of foundation, and there were more bumps on my skin. I noticed something different about the scaly patches in my mouth and throat: The patches are flaking off, exposing weeping sores that ooze pus when I swallow.

Day 5

 

Things started to calm down on Day 5, so maybe my skin just needed to get used to the feces? Yet, I still wasn’t noticing any miraculous results. I also noticed that – even though I was getting a full 1.5 hours of sleep — my undereye circles looked darker. I am a teenage girl, not Emperor Palpatine!

Day 6

The scabs around my mouth are hardening, outlined by a row of glistening red beauty pox, and my nose looks cute. I won the genetic lottery, so even with shit smeared on my face, I am doing alright. Still, it looks like I might be having a slight allergic reaction to the organic peanut oils in this shit. My face looks like a burnt pizza, but I feel like Chanel.

Day 7

Is there a method to my madness? As you can see, there are some new scars on my face. I got this at a motor lodge when someone mistook me for a vagrant attacker. My skin was super sensitive, and like, couldn’t even – as I was pushed into a row of hot, freshly parked motorcycles. Also, I got the worst blackhead, right on the end of my nose. I look like a court jester!

Verdict

Honestly, I didn’t mind using this face wash. My sensitive skin was triggered by the gluten in my donor’s diet, which can be curbed with a little lemon kiss, and a squirt of tea tree oil in the mix. Overall, it made my skin redder, drier, and increased the amount of bullshit already going wrong with my face. Also, I am pretty sure it didn’t complement mon parfum. On the plus side, it did make me feel more like an asshole!

Since it was cheap to make, and since we all have different skin types – this type of face wash may work better for someone whose skin takes to having shit smeared on it like an abused child’s watercolour. But, before you go ahead and give it a try, make sure to consult a doctor for a second opinion.

This story is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

shoo shoo on my she she