Technology World

Newest iPhone app makes terrorism simpler

The newest iPhone app, released by iJihad, al-Qaeda’s software development team, has caused a stir in the Middle East.  Now with the touch of a few buttons, a would-be shoe bomber can now send any modern airliner hurtling out of the air.  The app, known as “Allah Akbar”  is so popular among terrorists that downloads have temporarily overwhelmed iJihad software servers.

This device is now a Weapon of Mass Destruction
This device is now a Weapon of Mass Destruction

“Jihad has always been a struggle, but thanks to the efforts of our programmers, one tech-savvy Mujaheddin can do the work of 9 highly trained box cutter wielding psychos. With their own device, we will undo the fabric of Western society and replace it with the will of Allah.”

Allah Akbar features incognito “behind the scenes” operation to elude detection, a direct touch-screen firing capability, and an MP3 file that will automate the final cry of victory, “Allah Akbar!”  But this is not all that makes iJihad’s Allah Akbar controversial. It is the program’s deliberate marketing to young Muslims in poor Middle Eastern villages.

Dial 911 for great victory
Dial 911 for great victory

“They are selling this app to idealistic young men who will probably never see an airplane unless it’s dropping bombs on them from 30,000 feet. It’s not fair that they should be spending their hard earned opium farming money on worthless apps that make them ‘feel’ more like a terrorist.  These young men need AK47s and ammo, not iPhones and apps that do all the terrorizing for them.”

Early skepticism is normal in the technophobic Middle East, but results are expected soon.  Younger radicals have expressed overwhelming support for further development of even more dangerous versions of the same software.

“I hope that in the future iJihad can create an app that will be able to one day hijack an airplane and crash it into monuments at the touch of a button, Allah willing.”


An inordinate amount of airliners have begun to fall all over the Middle East, causing untold damage to already bombed-out cities in Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, and Israel.

One Pakistani reviewer said of Allah Akbar’s main feature, “While I was at work, a 747 crashed into my house, causing untold loss, including our family dog and my youngest wife. After suffering a most collapsing grief, I stopped, dried my eyes and thought, ‘Finally, an iPhone that does something useful!’ They should start calling this thing the iPwn.”