Investigative Editorial

Why on earth would they teach that in a public school when so hard the media fought against it? Show us the news in schools from now on. Let’s watch the war live this 2012. It really is the end times.

The Mayans predicted there’d be no one to vote for.

A vote of no confidence on voting. Remember when first ladies did stuff? I mean at least Tipper Gore made us look at awesome EXPLICIT LYRICS labels on our music (so the cool kids know what to buy). Michelle Osama, what’s she done besides smuggle terrorists across the border on Air Force Won? What’s she done besides destroy our economy? What’s she done besides live off welfare? I’m tired of paying her way! I work. I pay my $65 in child support every month. Where are my government handouts?

Sometimes when I play the piano I feel like I’m hearing explicit lyrics. [the following is the sound of Old Brutus playing the piano: BANG YREAH BITCH PING PING PING PING BANG BITCH YEAAAAH]

I SAID I PAY MY CHILD SUPPORT. Where was you, bitch! Where was you! Where was YOUR DAD OBAMA (Kenya) when you needed child support? They don’t like government handouts in the fucking savanna either, do they Black Obama? Why you gotta fuck your own people man? It’s cool for people to shit you out in the desert and you can become president but Mexicans who do it can’t even be citizens? Fucking hypocrite. I say lynch ’em all! God damn it!

WHERE’S DARYN MORAN?

Oh there he is

And now a message from our sponsor:

Does the dull roar of constant anxiety keep you awake at night? Has total fear of the state ever enveloped you in a suffocating cocoon of worry? Us too!

Which is why scientists at Lebal Drocer Chemical Elf Wax Laboratories have worked ’round the clock bringing you only the finest in thought technology. Using devices such as paragraphs, metaphors, logic and reason we have engineered the very evolution of all that it means to be a drone among the online political hivemind.

For ten years now, our researchers have funneled the Internet itself through our machines in an effort to bring you new and interesting news stories based on your interests. By looking for similar data points across a never ending feed of random occurrences, and by feeding you a rich, improved alternate version of reality, we can plot to a one thousandth of a percent exactly what you want to read, even what you want it to say. That’s the Lebal Drocer guarantee!

Lebal Drocer, Inc.

We get your dick hard.