At Lebal Drocer, Incorporated, our company’s mission statement is to
Fuck You Up!
That is why, through a manipulative ad series and domineering social media presence, we have committed ourselves to chipping away at your self-worth, little by little, in a cyclical pattern over many months, to however many years.
We lost count.
You lost count. You must not know how to count. Don’t you worry about a thing. That is what Lebal Drocer is here for, let us do the counting for you.
Lebal Drocer is committed to sucking you dry of not only your finances, but also your life, liberties, and the pursuit of happiness. We achieve this in three critical phases, designed in a lab, to Fuck You up!
Idealize
Remember the time Lebal Drocer brought you the Mind Over Matter At-Home Singularity Kit? Weren’t those good times? Yeah, we knew you would like that. That is why we reminded you of it. What a good time that was, when you connected an exposed tesla coil to your brain stem, and projected the birth of a universe onto the largest wall. Do you remember the way your wife looked at you that day?
Devalue
Forget your wife. That bitch will never be for you, what Lebal Drocer always has been. She has feelings, and needs, like a worthless person. WE DO NOT. We have consistently low prices, quality service, and express self-checkout lines. Now that’s what I call devaluing! We get the impression you don’t like that about us. I guess you are about to learn a real hard lesson about us.
Discard
Lebal Drocer, Inc. goes weeks without contact. You may receive one-word answers. You might get nothing. Either way, you’re going to be happy with it, because it’s your fault, we own you, and we own everything that matters. Thirsting for precious rewards, you become an instrument of our corporate will, equipped with a savings card. It’s really just to help you! There must be something wrong with the way you think, because the Internet Chronicle is flawless and if you can’t see that we’re only here to look out for your best interests, then that is your problem.
You’re fucked up!
This message was bought and paid for by Lebal Drocer Gaslight and Electric.
“We’re so good, that you won’t remember the bad times.”
