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Local Special Interest

Illegal Monopoly strategy results in Michigan arrest

monopoly-guyA Michigan man was charged with assault after beating a woman during a game of Monopoly because she “would not sell her Boardwalk and Park Place properties” to him. Since this did not break any rules in Monopoly, game play persisted until the man won the game by sheer intimidation.

The 54-year-old Monopoly slumlord struck the woman in the head, breaking her glasses, she told authorities, forcing the unfair trade with his thug-like business tactics. After knocking her block off, he seized the properties in question without tendering any payment whatsoever.

Some sources have rumored that he placed hotels on the property without making the proper payments. Yet another source claims he manipulated the bank, causing a microcosm of the real-life housing crisis. “He was cooking the books,” said fictitious money analyst Jim Cramer.

The monopoly slum lord was arrested shortly after the game and charged with racketeering in addition to assault and battery.

The man was ordered not to pass go, and not to collect two hundred dollars and then sent directly to jail.  However, he quickly paid the standard $50 bail bond and was set free next turn.

“He should be roaming the streets by morning,” the rule book says.

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Health Local Video

CIGARETTE ASH FOUND IN LOCAL DUDE’S BEER

RICHMOND, VA– A local dude became noticeably disgusted after taking a sip of beer that had been used as an ashtray. The Elf Wax Times has just received new footage of the incident. In the video, a young man can be seen displaying caveman-like characteristics before consuming a Pabst Blue Ribbon. After a rather large gulp, he is seen dry heaving and stating that “someone ashed in this.” Please note that viewer discretion is not advised whatsoever. 

While there is no evidence leading to any suspects, sources close to the victim all concur that it was most likely the same guy operating the camera in the video who indeed ashed in the beer. No charges have been pressed yet but Richmond OverEnforce officers have stated that someone should really “sue the [depletive exleted] pants off” of whomever is to blame.

Though the can of beer was obviously contaminated, that didn’t seem to stop the subject from consuming more beer and enjoying the newest Elf Wax track, “VIETNAMetrics (space party!)”, off the new calbum that hits stores never.