Make my shit the Chronicle

Y’all smokin’ Truth up in here or what? Oh shit, lemme hit that, son! Yo this shit is fire!

RARE PHOTO: Tupac and a young Osama bin Laden unite in shared distaste for evil-ass white motherfuckers
RARE PHOTO: Tupac and a young Osama bin Laden unite in shared distaste for evil-ass white motherfuckers

aight now ima git u fucked up, fucked up real good you understand.

yo i’m the fuckin police, put your hands on that wall. i said put your fucking hands on that wall and spread your legs!

didn’t think i was a cop, DID YA!?

DIDN’T THINK THE LAW WOULD FIND OUT, HUH?

WELL WE KNOW YOU AND YOUR COCKSUCKA FRIENDS HAVE BEEN IN HERE ALLLLL NIGHT SMOKIN TRUTH, AND YOU KNOW HOW WE KNOW? BECAUSE WE WERE WATCHING YOU ON A FUCKING WEBCAM ON THE DARKNET, MOTHERFUCKER.

Why don’t you take a seat over there, on this diiiiiiiiiick, motherfucker!

DUDE I’M JUST PLAYIN WITH YOU, WE AIN’T NO POLICE, DAWG! IT’S JUST YOU AND ME HERE, BABY, OKAY? Now get back on them sticks and let’s play some FIFA.

Nine hours later, you look over at your friend and he’s like

“Ye fiyad.”

Donald Pussy-Grabbin Trump

Stay away from them boys and hide your weed cuz Sessions comin after it right fuckin now, watch out, that’s him, here he comes!

[but i thought the president did drugs?]

Big news as something happens in front of many people

white-guy-scared-of-bitchstorm
Young people see something happen and film it too
Something certainly seems to be happening: Image.

Washington– Reports came in from around the world Friday indicating something is happening somewhere, for big reasons.

“Something is definitely going on,” said an eyewitness in a phone interview from his apartment. He asked to remain anonymous. “It’s bad but people are smiling about it.”

All this paragraph is supposed to contain more information about the first thing you just read. It remains vague, because really, it is just too much right now. It is just way too much to write here.

“We’re looking for all this to end soon,” said Staff Assistant to the Executive Stan Leadbetter. “But soon is such a relative word, and I say it in relation to the heat death of the universe. We are just trying to buy as much time as we can.”

We’re looking for all this to end soon, near the end of the known Universe.

A worried looking woman frantically ran up to chronicle.su writers screaming and crying in an extinct language. We talked backward and she seemed to recognize our general tone, but we knew that she didn’t understand, because neither did we. Everyone stood around silently after that waiting for something else to happen.

The incident could affect holiday travel, but the general reaction suggests people are hard pressed to give a shit, even in the face of certain doom.

“We never wanted to leave anyway,” says onlooker Gary Slesinger. “We were fine at home.”

More later as this story develops into something.