LOS ANGELES – Investigators working on an impromptu scientific study have determined a boy found living among our furry primate cousins is actually “better off” than if his original human parents, the Smiths, had raised him as their own.
Separated at birth by a freak accidental abandonment at an old mine shaft, George was taken in by a rhesus macaque monkey collective.
George’s stunted development and love for bananas shows how his primal upbringing blocked his ability to use language and left him severely retarded. However, their conclusions show that despite those glaring limitations, George will have a better life than if he had lived under the oppressive rules of the Smiths’ uncool, regressive shithouse.
“He would have blown that joint,” said Lebal Drocer, Inc. Head of Teenage Rebellion Development Angstrom H. Troubadele. “He woulda been badass.”
Totally nude, George hurled his feces at chronicle.su brokers gathered nearby. They were placing bets on his black market value, speculating on real human trafficking shit. They based their bets on the puritanical insanity of the Smiths, his human family.
“They didn’t love nobody,” a former neighbor recalled. “They hated the world and themselves. They hated genitals.”
“See, he’s fucking badass though, and that’s why nobody could sell him,” Troubadele said. “George wouldn’t go for that shit. George goes for the face and eyes. George ain’t property.”
Chronicle executives were overheard commenting, “We’ll slap an RFID chip in that motherfucker and blow this joint. I don’t have all day to sit around babysitting mongoloids. Bitch I work state media. I got dental to think about.”
George is expected to be allowed to live peacefully among his primate foster family, until such time as he is tapped by the exclusive and hip Lebal Drocer Laboratories for testing, whereupon he will be stripped from his mother’s arms and carried off for intensive job site training in retail.
George’s story is part of a continuing series, Puppy Monkey Baby, brought to you by chronicle.su
This story was delivered unto you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc. – bringing you the finest in real news quality. No seeds. No stems.
It’s dank journalism.
