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Washington, D.C.– In a harrowing defense of marijuana’s ongoing criminal status, FBI Director Robert Mueller successfully lumped marijuana in with all drugs. Dopes on the list include meth, heroin, oxycontin, crack and cocaine, but not alcohol, during a debate with Steve Cohen (D-TN). “Alcohol,” he said, “is just poisonous enough in its own right to remain.”

Steve Cohen asked Mueller, “Can you give statistics that point to deaths relating to marijuana?” Mueller said he could not. That is when he employed the “gateway drug” argument, familiar within the intellectual circle of teachers, preachers, school principals, police officers and FOX News viewers. And your granddad.

Tennessee Congressman Steve Cohen’s embarrassing loss in the marijuana debate can be seen here:

Elf Wax Political Science Department analysis hails the FBI director’s clandestine reinforcement of the perceived evils of marijuana, calling it, “a classic D.A.R.E. response, sure to win the hearts and minds of parents who lost children to rampant heroin addictions everywhere.”

Brian “Honeybee” Seesaw, chief Elf Wax drug abuse aficionado, said, “What’s more, is he managed to exact upon all people with drug addictions the notion that they all started with ‘pot’ or ‘grass’, or what is known scientifically as ‘The Devil’s Weed’ by citing anecdotes he imagined in which a parent might hypothetically say their son smoked pot in addition to snorting cocaine. That’s hard-hitting evidence if I’ve ever seen it.”

Furthermore, Robert Mueller reassured Americans that forty percent of them are in fact dangerous drug-abusing criminals, and ought to be locked up or at the very least fined, placed on probation, urine-tested monthly, and disallowed to drive a vehicle, staining their records permanently.

The pot-smoking, acid-dropping Democratic Representative of Tennessee had no further questions for Mr. Mueller and later indicated to the press he would be checking himself into a rehabilitation facility following the discovery of Cohen’s recent shameful thoughts found in CNN’s broadcast of his unpatriotic questioning of the supreme (im)balance of power and his Communistic lack of trust in the State’s ability to make every American’s personal, spiritual, and moral decisions for them.


I fucking love the “gateway drug” argument. I guess in a way it is a gateway, a gateway to the world of ‘illegal’ drugs, dealers,and getting jacked. Most pot dealers are just that, but there are some who chose to diversify. And while they may not push those other things, their still just a late night atm visit away. Solution? Maybe, just maybe if we legalized the harmless “drugs” and put them in the same setting as say…Alcohol so many people would never know the strange and sometimes unpredictable pleasures of harder drugs unless they go looking for them.Pot is harmless and is medicine for many more tid bit, if they didn’t lie so hard on pot(then you try it and call bullshit) people would believe them when they say that the bad shit is really bad.

you’re on to something. only i would legalize shrooms and weed for recreational, medicinal, and psychotherapeutic purposes, and legalize dmt and ibogaine for psychotherapy. lsd…idk yet, i’m responsible, but i know 10-78yo.s that aren’t.

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