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Categories
Fashion Reviews

Hide From Yourself In One of Nine Beautiful Hong Kong Locations

Political Asylum Hong Kong Hidey Hole
Slowly accept the inevitable in a plush Lebal Drocer suite.

You are God.

You control the world, the grass, dirt and the Heavens. You spin the galaxies, and drive them apart with an as-yet-unexplained force known only to men as “dark matter.”

Managing creation can tucker out even the most vengeful of Gods, so spend your 7th day at Hong Kong’s famous Wealthy Political Asylum Getaway – a modern-day hacker’s paradise complete with VPNs and a direct line to Xi Jinping for disclosing national secrets as soon as they’re discovered.

The Wealthy Political Asylum Getaway has serviced such legendary political dissidents as Vic LivingstonCommander X, th3j35t3r, John Tiessen and media darling Edward Snowden.

Tired Gods of this world need a place to hide away, collect themselves, and distribute child porn.

The NSA knows where you stay. Do you think you can get out in time?

This message has been brought to you generously by Lebal Drocer, Inc. We own Wealthy Political Asylum Getaway Hotel Resorts & Casinos, and have used our monetary power to gain access to private information, your most sacred data, things you thought we would never know about, and we did it all – thanks to our friends at the NSA – just for you. Because we care. That’s the Lebal Drocer Promise™.

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Categories
Local Special Interest

Don’t fuck with me, I’m football team

NOVATO, CALIF. (2-7-2012) – An anonymous internet user going by the name of OP released the bank account numbers, Social Security Numbers, phone numbers and addresses of a massive number of Novato residents Saturday.

CHRONICLE.SU URGENT UPDATE: (2-6-2013)

An anonymous caller phoned in a tip that he is “free now” and intends to “finish” what he “started” one year ago, challenging all preconceptions OP is a fag. Listen to the bone-chilling telephone call here.

The individual, who seemingly appeared out of the blue, addressed the anonymous website as his “crew,” using rhyming language.

Rumors are circulating that the information passed down originated from an accomplished hacker group comprised of remnants of LulzSec.

As leaks poured out, anonymous internet users suspected they might be credit cards, but later determined the leaked information was bank account numbers issued by Westamerica Bank, a local bank of California which issues ten digit account numbers like are found in the leaks, or “dox,” the term sometimes used for the disclosure of sensitive information.

Hello /b/
Do you remember me?
Infamous I was
Fucking shit up, causing quite the buzz
I belonged to a team
With a hacker like theme
Now I’m lurking here
For a crew thats top tier
I have a plan thats 4 years in the making
And soon we’ll have what’s ours for the taking

A handful of brave or reckless individuals logged into the bank website using the details.

Others signed up for accounts using the credit information, immediately followed by declarations of deletion of virtual machines, as well as paranoia fueled incineration of their hard drives.

Another user asked, “what did they do to you OP? Seriously, not the whole fucking town could have wronged you.”

“OP” refers to the “original poster,” who has acknowledged the extreme likelihood of going to prison as a result of his or her actions.

After some investigation, it was determined OP’s identity might possibly have something to do with Jack Briner who, in 1997, used stolen lists of information from his former bank of employment for use at Westmerica Bank. Google results reveal Jack Briner is teaching economics to the upcoming best-and-brightest of San Jose.

OP was particularly inclined to call out an individual by the name of Jim Greenway, whose SSN was referenced repeatedly and explicitly. OP added, “the rest and greenway shall pay.”

UPDATE: Jim Greenway is a bank branch manager.

After posting the 25th batch of account numbers, OP quipped, “Don’t fuck with me, I’m football team,” spawning a meme which, as time goes on, will likely gain notoriety with its obscurity.

Also, there was a four hour countdown. At zero hour, this happened:

greenway is gone
i have set us up the bomb
time to say goodbye
as i too shall die

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Categories
News

Rapist Speaks Out In Support Of A Delusional Barrett Brown

“We are the pee-pool,” says Tiessen.

Internet legend John Tiessen spoke in defiance of IRC bans and IRL double trouble Barrett “The Wild One” Brown Monday. During his Internet podcast, Tiessen once again decried the rats amongst us, referring to undercover agents at Occupy meetings, and outlined the divide and conquer mentality of government opposition, referencing Sun Tzu’s Art of War.

Barrett Brown is in police custody after threatening the children of federal agents.

Tiessen quietly yelled to his audience of no one, “We’re rootin’ for Barrett Brown to get out of jail, and we’re fuckin’ protesting against that. They say they’re protestin’ against them but they’re not – they’re tryin’ to stop it. They’re tryin’ to stop the movement and they’re winning. They’re winning and people are listening to ’em. We are the pee-pool! We are the pee-pool!”

As something resembling emotions rose up within him, Tiessen got carried away with himself and, remembering why Brown, on whose behalf Tiessen is speaking, was arrested, corrected himself midstream: “We have our minds and we’re going to do what we want to do. If we want to take down the feds– if there’s five people that want to take down the feds . . . they’re gonna do it, leave ’em alone!”

Tiessen concluded by encouraging his presumably sleeping audience to “wake the fuck up.”

The following is funnier than anything we could possibly write ourselves