Chronicle.SU is WRONG

Adrian Chen hates satire
Adrian Chen attempts to block the view of Tlingit masks he said are "also wrong."

I’m Adrian Chen, and I know many things. I mean, there are a lot of things I know. I know stuff about politics, the Internet and hacktivism because I myself am a troll hacktivist. I try really hard to know as much as possible about what Anonymous tweets, and especially LulzSec, Sabu and reddit.com. But what I know most of all to be most factual and more true than any other fact on the Internet, is that the Chronicle.SU is wrong.

They are wrong about many things, especially the stuff I know more about than they do. I write for a website called Gawker, which is never wrong, and always right. In fact, since I can’t seem to find any satire websites with balls enough to tackle hacktivism on the internet, I am thinking about starting my own satire site, in which I replace the word “write” with “right” – because I am always right! (I’m a righter! Get it?)

One of the things Chronicle.SU is wrong about is Sabu of LulzSec and #AntiSec being a brown guy named Hugo. They are especially wrong about that because they wrongly Photoshopped an image of Hugo’s face as the leader of #ANTISEC, the group competing against Anonymous for most lulz. WRONG! He’s not the leader, fucking idiots! Sabu is! And Sabu isn’t Hugo! Jesus.

Adrian Trolls
Chen: "Chronicle.SU was also wrong when they said I was wrong about who invented Anonymous porn. I knew Chronicle.SU already invented Anon porn. I wasn't wrong. I was just trolling them behind their backs because that's how Adrian rolls."

You know, if the Chronicle.SU was a satire website, this would almost be forgivable, even though LulzSec is no laughing matter, but this is an egregious error on the part of Chronicle.SU Editors, right on up to the executives and I’m speaking out!

If I were the owner of that newspaper, and it wasn’t some socialist experiment of a defunct military state like the Soviet Union, I’d call a company-wide meeting to talk about fact-checking and making sure we never run anything wrong, ever again. Because like I said earlier, Gawker has never run a single wrong thing – not with MY name attached to it, they haven’t. The Chronicle.SU is the most inaccurate, least factual source of information I’ve ever read. And yet, I keep coming back for more! It’s sickening.

I have a message for you Chronicle.SU readers out there who fall consistently for their lies and disinformation. You ready for it? Here it is, BIG NEWS BABY HERE WE GO:

The Chronicle.SU is a propaganda tool of the disinformation arm of the United States Government.

During Psy-Operative campaigns by the CIA, the Chronicle.SU was imbedded in IRC chats distributing pro-wikileaks articles and information so biased toward truth we jokingly called it truth-propaganda around the Gawker office. And they released DDoS instructions, toolkits and PHP-based starter kits to help lies spread faster, no matter what they were; they even helped build the Louise Boat. Simply disgusting.

Get a clue. Avoid Chronicle.SU

The official death of the rage comic

Recently, Reddit sucked the last drop of funny out of rage comics. Rage comics are emoticon memes assembled into humorous stories. There was once a time when rage comics were original and made me laugh. Those days are dead.

This doesn't tell a story, doesn't make me laugh, and doesn't really do anything at all. The only person who laughed at this was stupidaccountname. EDIT: After reading this comic a second time, I loled at a joke by stupidaccountname. The absolutely easiest way to view a meme-free reddit is to kill yourself. That comment deserved much more karma.
Yes, this is really as bad as it seems. A middle aged woman telling a touchy-feely personal story and PROPOSING to her boyfriend. I wretched!
There is absolutely nothing funny about this comic whatsoever. It's merely a tale of butthurt accompanied with emoticons which were funny the first 10,000 times. Now they're not.
If you know anything about the history of rage comics, this is the one that will put you over the line. This is the one that made me post this story. One of the most famous faces in rage comics is "raisins" face. The face a person makes after biting into a cookie, thinking it's filled with chocolate chips, only to realize it is raisins. The maker of this rage comic didn't use the raisin face.
Here is the original. Notice how this rage comic is not littered with purposeless text, building an elaborate but unfunny story. The maker of this comic actually created their own face, capturing the shock of unexpected raisin cookies so perfectly that the image has been reused thousands of times by creators of piss-poor copycat rage comics.

With that, ladies and gentlemen, we must lay rage comics to rest in the graveyard of funny internet memes that have been thoroughly beaten to death. No, fuck that. They must be incinerated forever and stricken from archive.org. God help us.

Rupert Murdoch uses threat of murder to defuse internal threat

Rupert Murdoch ordered this man's death. This picture is property of News Corp

Rupert Murdoch went out for blood on Monday. Murdoch personally ordered the death of whistle blower Sean Hoare to shore up internal threats to his organization. All employees of News Corp now live in fear of their master and Media Mogul.

The message intended is clear: Don’t be an insubordinate, the price is your life. News Corp will continue to force employees to hack important stories under the threat of death and the yoke of Murdoch.

“I took Palladium for the courage to off Hoare myself” ~ Media Mogul

Fox News reports said police showed up to the dead man’s house only to repeat the phrase “nothing suspicious,” over and over again, in spite of the undeniably suspicious circumstances. Forensic investigators showed up late as hell and hungover. Eyewitnesses reported that they didn’t really give a fuck about anything.

Murdoch is famous for injecting Polonium 210 into his hated enemies. Some have suggested that Murdoch poisoned Hoare himself while hopped up on Palladium during his near-death experience earlier today.

RUPERT MURDOCH HACKED 9/11 FAMILIES AND KILLED SEAN HOARE TO DEFUSE THE INTERNAL THERAT OF WHISTLEBLOWERS WITH FEAR. RUPERT MURDOCH HACKED 9/11 FAMILIES AND KILLED SEAN HOARE TO DEFUSE THE INTERNAL THERAT OF WHISTLEBLOWERS WITH FEAR. RUPERT MURDOCH HACKED 9/11 FAMILIES AND KILLED SEAN HOARE TO DEFUSE THE INTERNAL THERAT OF WHISTLEBLOWERS WITH FEAR. RUPERT MURDOCH HACKED 9/11 FAMILIES AND KILLED SEAN HOARE TO DEFUSE THE INTERNAL THERAT OF WHISTLEBLOWERS WITH FEAR. RUPERT MURDOCH HACKED 9/11 FAMILIES AND KILLED SEAN HOARE TO DEFUSE THE INTERNAL THERAT OF WHISTLEBLOWERS WITH FEAR. RUPERT MURDOCH HACKED 9/11 FAMILIES AND KILLED SEAN HOARE TO DEFUSE THE INTERNAL THERAT OF WHISTLEBLOWERS WITH FEAR. RUPERT MURDOCH HACKED 9/11 FAMILIES AND KILLED SEAN HOARE TO DEFUSE THE INTERNAL THERAT OF WHISTLEBLOWERS WITH FEAR. RUPERT MURDOCH HACKED 9/11 FAMILIES AND KILLED SEAN HOARE TO DEFUSE THE INTERNAL THERAT OF WHISTLEBLOWERS WITH FEAR. RUPERT MURDOCH HACKED 9/11 FAMILIES AND KILLED SEAN HOARE TO DEFUSE THE INTERNAL THERAT OF WHISTLEBLOWERS WITH FEAR. RUPERT MURDOCH HACKED 9/11 FAMILIES AND KILLED SEAN HOARE TO DEFUSE THE INTERNAL THERAT OF WHISTLEBLOWERS WITH FEAR.

mmmmm delicious copypasta

 

 

Rupert Murdoch is responsible for the hacking of 9/11 victims

Remember all those shocking final goodbyes to to friends and family which were played by Fox News in the aftermath of 9/11? You might want to sit down.

“The time has certainly come for Rupert Murdoch’s resignation.” -Sarah Palin

Fox hired hackers to acquire the audio, carelessly invading the privacy of American families and victims of terrorism. Rupert Murdoch personally approved of this tactic in a desperate bid to increase ratings. Back in 2001, Fox was not such a dominant force in the media. By hacking the phones of 9/11 victims, Fox News was able to gain a foothold.

Rupert Murdoch should resign now

Jesus would be ashamed of Rupert Murdoch. In fact, if Rupert Murdoch doesn’t repent soon, he will definitely go to hell. Phone hacking became like an addiction to Rupert Murdoch. He went after celebrity’s voicemail accounts, dead children’s cell phones, and pretty much hacked anything that moved.

The time has come for Rupert Murdoch to step down. Like Anthony Weiner, he has made a terrible mistake and no longer deserves his place of power. America deserves better. We are a Good Christian Nation, and Fox News has betrayed both our trust and the Freedom of Press.

 

 

MEDIA MOGUL'S BODY DISCOVERD

Rupert Murdoch
OK

Just moments ago, The Sun reported Media Mogul’s body (of Chronicle.SU fame and notoriety) has been discovered after ingesting a heroic dose of palladium. Rupert Murdoch was said to believe the chemical would imbue him with the strength of a paladin IRL.

The Murdoch family is known for their hacking prowess, particularly in regards to the phone records of B-list celebrities, as they grapple for jewgold through ad revenue and extortion.

The attack by LulzSec on the media mogul’s website is retribution for Murdoch’s unfair use of my name. This was tweeted directly to me, Media Mogul on Twitter (@Hatefiend)

“I can’t believe this is happening, but it’s awesome. I love my friends at LulzSec, atopiary, Sabu and God.”
Media Mogul
Chronicle.SU

Media Mogul's Body Discovered
Atopiary, I love you.

I love the new Facebook chat because it's really great

Today I logged onto my Facebook and was pleasantly surprised to see that Facebook chat was updated. Instead of a small scrolling menu, it’s now a larger permanent menu. Wow, was I happy to see this earth shattering improvement. I can’t believe so many people are upset that Facebook just got way better.

I am just glad to see that all these ads are helping pay for improvements in Facebook. The ads don’t bother me one bit, especially when they pick through my personal information and target me with goods and services that I want really badly. I’m glad that Facebook does this because they don’t waste my time with Penis enlargement spam. LOL. They must know not to use these ads because I talk about how big my dick is all the time on Facebook chat.

What I don’t get is why everyone hates the new chat so much. It calculates who I send the most messages to and puts them in a hierarchical order based on how much I like each person. It puts all the pretty girls on the top, LOL.

It'll never end! "Unless you stop it."

I am extremely high on opiates, and this is being written from a hospital bed. Beautiful women involved. I am a ray of pure light energy, eternal love, a message of hope for the deaf, a line of sight for those blinded by their own insecurities, propensity for greed destroyed – I am the One. Listen.

I was doing vince in the bay when some bitch came a knockin’ at my front door. some bitch named chest pains and shortness of breath.

I wanted to troll you all and say, “Folks, I’m dying…” but that’s only as funny as Hell actually existing and me asking to go there. Folks, I’m going to survive to see another many years of this headlong shitshoot we call life and I am just fine with that.

Today I laid with the most beautiful woman in the world – and she fed me grapes because I can’t raise my good grape-eating arm. I can’t even masturbate because one arm’s an IV-hub and the other is crippled by the pain of today’s surgery. The pain feels good, though, because opiates are the answer.

I love that woman. She is everything you could ever ask for in a very best friend, plus gorgeous long black wavy hair whose silhouette spider-webbed my indigo window picture and re-taught me the joys and appreciation of the limitless beauty of the human figure in her everyday power.

Well, lovers of the night, I was sidetracked by a beautiful young woman on the Internet just now. So my rhythm is fucked. Also I’m totally loaded on pills and I am becoming a sleepy vessel of nature, trawling down the stream of consciousness – looking for fireflies.

I’m pretty fucking tired of the egotistical free wrong-hood of the Internet, the failures of prominent leaders and the realization that some people only become well known because they’re famous at sucking. Like whores.

I’m the newest writer to come out in support of – fuck, I forgot. This note’s about to lose its structure fast.

I’m the leader of black operations of a peaceful and pleasant nature. A rebellion of the self, by the self – for the self. We are all children born into the human condition which most people agree gets worse every second, if you look at the corporate bottom-fucking of every man, woman and child with a gleam of hope in their eyes for something better, something good. Something pure. You can die, they’ll help.

Sell ya poisoned food regulated by the same FDA that turns around and stuffs you full of the medicines they approve to keep the population drugged dumb and full of fear. What will happen if I don’t take this drug? I can deal with the fact that American political leaders have manipulated the “debate” of whether or not national health care plan can ever be implemented – but America is one of the only countries in the world where you can watch the “news” and are told at least once per commercial break to “ask your doctor about [insert drug here, in your ass because we’re fucking you with it.]”

They’ll also help you die by feeding pointless, useless “news” media into your useless faces day by night.

They’ll also kill you by enforcing and regulation ignorance upon yourselves and your family. Political career suicide should not be an excuse not to do the right thing, to vote in the decent manner. NOR should 45-year-old hard-working pipe-fitting, gas-pumping, home-constructing Americans accept such an excuse. “Oh, he could lose his hundred thousand dollar per year job if he voted for workers to have a bump in their minimum wages. That would be career suicide. He could go from making $100,000 per year to making $80,000 and having less power to abuse. I understand why my quality of life doesn’t improve; and because I understand that, I’ve already accepted it because I have become conditioned to equate information or thoughts which appear to be of my own manifestation – but are in fact someone else’s implanted by the globalsocioeconomic warmachine – with unchangeable fact that can never be overturned. And I’d be a fool for thinking otherwise. That is not what my neighbors do. That is not the example by which my parents lead. That is the example set by two generations of reinforced patterning and distorted reward systems that perpetuate ever-lowering expectations of the self and at the same time devalue hard work.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I believe the only answer is to commit political career homicide, rather than hold out hope that one day someone white-haired fuckhead in thick glasses will suffer a stroke of humanity – or worse – goodwill toward men.

Am I inciting violence toward elected officials? No. But do I endorse it? Hell yes.

I encourage readers to write in and share your dissent, disillusionment and condemnation of your very own government(s) which have corrupted their figureheads, convoluted our collective unconscious and create self-propagating cynicism, narcissism and other social diseases stemming from total lack of empathy and represented by a national bloodlust and call to action against one high-profile babykiller and not an entire army of them.

Fuck the power. Discuss it here. Fight it now. Form the revolution.

Totallyfalse.info is an Anonymous Psy-Op by Topiary

Jealous of the awesome trolling and media phreaking that is Chronicle.SU, Topiary has created Totallyfalse.info. This complete failure of a site has been tweeted heavily by Anonymous in a pitiful attempt to divert readers from the truly beloved and established Cronical.

Stop fapping Topiary!

Like the Cronical, totallyfalse.info plays on the ironic death of truth that is hacktivism. Well, at least Topiary tries. Luckily he has an army of loyal Anon fans to back up his writing, coupled with Kayla’s army of sockpuppets.

Because of the prevalence of misinformation, fake d0x, and insane conspiracies, this is an understandably exploitable source of endless humor. However, Totallyfalse.info is written by Topiary, a piece of shit Zelda fan who jerks off to Princess Ruto. As such, it is completely insufferable and as full of fail as possible.

Of course, jealousy is not the only motivation behind Totallyfalse.info. It is quite obviously a psy-op designed to portray Anonymous in a more appealing context. By spelling out the “conspiracy” that _TeamP0is0n_ was in fact a self-d0x misinformation campaign by LulzSec, Topiary hopes to score points for a previously undocumented troll. Obvious obvious is obvious. This idea glorifies Topiary and LulzSec, and we expect much more of the same from Totallyobvious.info

Topiary? More like Tropiary. Lol, try a little harder next time.

UPDATE: NEW PROPAGANDA VIDEO BY TOPIARY!

UPDATE AGAIN!

Topiary continues to feed the troll, but in classic style utilizes the delete function in Twitter to make this not count as “giving me attention.” Here is the message for posterity’s sake. Topiary gave me more attention after promising not to.

tl;dr I win.

HI IM TOPIARY IM KIND OF A BIG DEAL AROUND ANONYMOUS.

th3j35t3r d0x3d!

Late yesterday rumors on Twitter named Ryan Berg as the face behind th3j35t3r. In an apparent breakdown after the failure of the latest d0x aimed at Sabu, th3j35t3r admitted he was Ryan Berg and made a heart-felt apology to Hugo Carvalho. Hugo Carvalho is a Portugese man who “Indiana Jones” pointed his finger at, crying “Sabu, Sabu, this man is Sabu!”

I would like to issue an apology to Hugo Carvalho, who I wrongly d0x3d. I have decided that Sabu will never apologize to Hugo, so I will take the high road. Hugo Carvalho, I am sorry you were drawn into our cyber war. I thought you were hacking the government, but I was wrong. If it’s any consolation, all this was Sabu’s fault. Sabu was tangentially related to you and in the hacking world that’s tantamount to proof of identity. I know I carefully hid my tracks under the alias of Indiana Jones in case I was wrong, but everyone knows it was me who d0xed you. In the past 24 hours, I have also been d0x3d. I am actually Ryan Berg. That’s right my minions, th3j35t3r is actually Ryan Berg! The accusations are truth, and I don’t care. Like I would face jail time for hacking Jihadi web sites. I am sincerely so sorry Hugo,

th3j35t3r AKA Indiana Jones AKA Ryan Berg

PS I have more followers than Sabu

We eagerly await th3j35t3r’s denial of these d0x, which will confirm the truth behind them.

Every other hacker has Aspergers. Does Ryan Berg? He sure looks like it.

UPDATE! UPDATE! Ryan Berg AKA th3j35t3r takes back his apology and locks down his identity with a pastebin paste. Final proof that this entire story is completely true.

OUTED: Sabu of #AntiSec

Sabu
Old Brutus once told Sabu over IRC, “You’d better have a good-looking face because you’re about to be associated with a movement.” To which Sabu responded, “Indeed. I’m handsome methinks don’t worry about that.”

Sabu, outed this morning, faces the worst, or worse. He said he doesn’t fear extradition, but in 1908, Portugal signed the Portugal International Extradition Treaty with the United States, giving the FBI the ability to extradite a person.

Folks on Twitter have already compared Sabu to MLK, saying if he is taken out or extradited, there will be outcry. But because of extremely narrow avenues of information made possible by Twitter, Twitter users have a tendency to overestimate the education of the general public. That is to say, they think people give a damn about important issues like the freedom of information. Sadly, they don’t. And neither do we, but these stories SELL.

It was fun and games and Sabu did a great job covering his tracks, but he gave up some identifying information back in 2009 that have led people to what Sabu admits is his real fake name.

Sabu said he wanted to go out in style, wearing only a Chronicle.SU t-shirt, top hat and boxers before the media as he is pulled from his home and forced into a little prison on wheels before being carted away to a dark, isolated place from which he will never re-emerge, at least not before he turns a whole bunch of you in.

Even if Sabu is not the true leader of LulzSec & AntiSec, which has been the subject of heavy speculation here at the Chronicle.SU, we believe Sabu is a leader you can follow directly into the hands of the FBI. Because the undeniable truth is the combination of his actions and words has sparked a widespread movement toward hacking government and corporate websites, by idiots like you – the likes of which we haven’t seen since 1989, when DOE, HEPNET and SPAN (NASA) connected VMS machines world wide were penetrated by the anti-nuclear WANK worm.WANK-penetrated machines had their login screens altered to:

     W O R M S    A G A I N S T    N U C L E A R    K I L L E R S
   _______________________________________________________________
   __  ____________  _____    ________    ____  ____   __  _____/
          /    / /    / /        |    | |    | | / /    /
         /    / /    / /__       | |  | |    | |/ /    /
        / / / /    / ______      | |  | |    | |    /
       _  /__  /____/ /______ ____| |__ | |____| |_ _/
        ___________________________________________________/
                                                          /
              Your System Has Been Officially WANKed     /
           _____________________________________________/
You talk of times of peace for all, and then prepare for war.

This just in: Monsanto hacked, 2,500 employees’ info released to the public.

Tonight: Radio host Vince in the Bay to discuss Sabu