Herman Cain: Trolling America

Herman Cain
Herman Cain, seen here in ecstasy, releases a quiet fart before thousands of people during a Tea Party rally.

Sexual harasser and Black Republican Herman Cain bought himself Presidential Publicity last week in another spiky thrust of his fake presidential campaign, selling hundreds of thousands of books each time he utters the phrase “999.”

999 is a self-help algorithm designed by Herman Cain to prey on your weakness. Cain demonstrates all the political prowess of a true Tea Party frontrunner, including self-hatred, the ability to exploit any situation for a buck, and a distinct determination to sodomize the Vice Presidential nominee of his choice, provided it costs him the election.

But is a truckload of pussy and book money all that Cain hopes to gain by running for president? In his latest ad, an image of a man dragging a cigarette is followed by what can only be described as a trollface.jpg. See for yourself:

Hint: while watching this video, press 9 as many times as necessary.

Problem?

He squints his eyes and widens his grin perfectly, letting all of America know that they have been trolled. It would have been better for Cain, whose campaign organization is one smoking man, to not even waste money on this ad. However, top analysts of the E.W.T. Political Institute suggest Cain had to gloat in his own way about all the money he’s made selling books, and could think of no better gesture than to offer the nation a close-up image of his shit-eating grin in real-time.

Eli Wesley, Chief Emotional Pathologist at E.W.T. said Americans watched anxiously as Cain’s eyes softened from conviction into hateful fear before a deflated smile crept across his face. “And in one final boastful moment, you could actually feel his pain radiating outward, becoming yours.”

Meanwhile, in the real world, everything political actors do is satire in itself, of the system that put them on the stage. And that is why America is the greatest country in the world. We don’t mind politics being a glib reality TV series instead of useful policy making. Hell, this is much more entertaining. But they’re less like Justin Bieber and more like that house band that played out on the deck of the Titanic as it sank. Just plain creepy, but that’s only because it’s Halloween! See? Trust your government, America!

And for Halloween, Michael Moore is dressing up in blackface as Herman Cain, as he similarly has leveraged #OccupyWallStreet to sell his book, which is entitled “Here Comes Trouble.”

Sell the fuck out of that book, buddy boy. Sell it until your big fat heart stops.

This story is part 1 of a 2 part series entitled “What was the deal with Herman Cain?

#OccupySuburbia on October 31st


This video of police state brutality has created a nationwide grassroots backlash with more unrest to come.

On October 31st, millions of unsatisfied American families will march on suburbia wearing masks in a show of support for Anonymous. This march is planned to last from 7pm until midnight, and like #OccupyWallStreet, protesters can expect to be fed by neighbors sympathetic to their cause.

The Black Bloc’s violent anarchist tactics are expected by police, so many local departments have doubled their patrols. Should any of these anti-capitalist protesters come to your front door begging for a handout, remember that the police are only a phone call away and all too glad to fire a few rubber bullets into a crowd of uppity Marxists.

#OpCartel threatens to out gangsters


Grim music plays as Anonymous lays down what might be its most serious threat to date. The Zetas should have expected them. As Anonymous says in this video, wait and see.

Just a few months ago, Anonymous was going to war on the border police, releasing their personal emails. Now they target the gangs! Anonymous is just that nihilistic.

Of course, the Zetas won’t give a fuck until someone actually gets outed, and lately Anonymous has been all bark and no bite. After the recent round of arrests, Anonymous has only managed to make empty threats against ridiculous targets like Facebook and the New York Stock Exchange, leading some analysts to the conclusion that no more skilled hackers remain.

Or perhaps, like Sabu, they will have a comeback where they act like someone else entirely and do ask me anything threads on Reddit. Then they’ll start hacking again.

Some day.

Thanks for ruining #OccupyWallStreet, Michael Moore

THIS SHOULD CREEP YOU OUT

For some reason Occupy protesters love to chase off politicians but not Michael Fucking Moore. Have they lost their minds? Nothing would convince me sooner that Occupy Wall Street is liberal astroturf than Michael Moore’s involvement. Michael Moore is fucking pissed off that he couldn’t get a moneyshot with cannister-skull Scott Olsen in the hospital while getting flashbanged by a fake Hollywood cop. Michael Moore took his private jet to Oakland just for that opportunity to ruin everything for everyone forever. He looks like Jabba the fucking Hutt! GTFO!!!!

In livestreaming the events of Occupy Wall Street, it is clearly evident that many of the protesters are acting like victims for the cameras. At this point, it’s pretty much like shitty reality television for the internet. The people are throwing tantrums for the cameras, chanting “The whole world is watching,” and “Shame! Shame! Shame!” when the police interfere with their differently interpreted freedom of assembly which I assume is the only thing they’ve really decided on protesting for sure.

The human microphone is a sadly ironic and creepy idea. The crowd shouts “Not because of a leader” only after Michael Moore implicitly orders them to repeat it. The applications of the human microphone for mind control are staggering and real. Do not participate in the human microphone. You may fall prey to the subtle mind control and resultant groupthink which is dangerous to your individuality.

The police officers resent this farce, as they do not care to be drawn into a shitty communist reality television show designed for the internet. They may take careful aim with that tear gas cannister or enjoy cracking a skull just that little bit more. Violence is mounting! Stay tuned internets, this next police crackdown might spike that google trend back up to new heights. Someone might die!

The protesters claim to shout their name to the cameras for “legal reasons” when they get arrested. Lebal Drocer’s cocainedlawyers assure us that screaming your name on camera for the livefeed is just a piece of meaningless drama. Please don’t shout your fucking name.

THE CHRONICLE.SU IS YOUR KIND

Accept it.

The Charles Manson Update of the Century

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Motherfuckers at the NBC
Don’t know how hard it is bein’ me.
All I wanna do is a drink a little, talk a little,
And fuck ’til I’m free.
God damn motherfuckers at the NBC
Censorin’ me.

All I am is God,
All I am is wrong
All I am is Cheech
I am Tommy Chong.
To each his own
Far-reaching
Internet government
Subservient clone.
FUCK YOU.
I am the one
I am the son
Of benevolence won.
I am the antichrist
purveyor
betrayer
I am the gun.
FUCK YOU.
I'm not some confounding
jew
some loud-talking resounding
asshole like you.
NBC: I am me.
And I say
Fuck you.

This just in:

At least four high level Lebal Drocer Senior Executives are suspected of embezzling a total four and a half billion dollars from investors since 2007.

I am the antichrist
-Raleigh

Authorities allege Raleigh Sakers, Lebal Drocer CEO, spearheaded the operation one day when he ran out of batteries for a personal voice recorder, which he never turned off. Ever.
These allegations, Sakers contended, are untrue.

If convicted, Raleigh T. Sakers, better known as the Transcendental Man, faces life in prison with no opportunity for parole. However, sources say this is nothing new. In 1987, Sakers was sentenced to ten years in prison for vehicular manslaughter when he was found guilty of intentionally running over a best friend in a brand new Mercedes E Class sedan.

Owner and proprietor of Lebal Drocer Holdings, Sakers enjoys a life of luxury and wealth through corporate sponsorships garnered from chronicle.su, the Elf Wax Times, totallyfalse.info and presstorm.com. Insiders, whose names which journalistic integrity compels us never to share, told chronicle reporters presstorm.com is an asset Sakers chose to let dissolve after its leadership self-immolated during the summer of 2011.

Sakers reportedly said, “I don’t give a fuck if it’s just one person. She isn’t doing a housewife’s work,” before slamming a door on the hand of his youngest daughter Mita, who is five and screamed out in angst when Sakers told the girl he “did that on purpose.”

Prayers of the chronicle.su staff and undoubtedly the entirety of her readership go out to Raleigh Theodore Sakers in his time of trouble. We would also like to recognize Pepsi Co., Starbucks, Genocide and NATO for all of their efforts in our similar quest for capital. Godspeed, and amen.

Amen.

A call to the Tea Party: Clean up #InfestWallStreet

The Occupy (Infest) movement has taken its first serious blow in Oakland, California. Tuesday morning, peace officers protected the city from this Infestation by firing off tear gas bombs while the Marxist sinners slept, sedated by heroin and marijuana. This destructive and hateful element was removed from the streets and arrested, and if there was any justice in this country, they would face capital punishment for high treason.

Mayor Bloomberg should take a lesson from the inspired leadership in Oakland and clean the rats and cockroaches that look like humans out of Zucotti Park. These disgusting dregs of “humanity” are not exercising their freedom of speech, they are abusing it. If Infest Wall Street got what they wanted, everyone in America would have free food and access to illegal drugs. America is becoming the next Sodom and Gomorrah.

Innocent children have witnessed horrific sights at the Infestation on Wall Street including public gay sex, widespread heroin use, urination, defecation, and vulgar signs promoting Marxism. Not only that, but this allegedly “peaceful” protest has turned violent as members of the Infestation attack innocent riot police who are only trying to maintain order. One “protester” surprised a group of female police officers by firing pepper spray into their faces.

Since local governments have been craven and cowardly, good Americans look to the Tea Party for a solution to this outbreak of social cancer. Please, if you are a good member of the Tea Party or a Great American, now is the time to step up and make a stand against Evil in today’s world. You are chemo. They are cancer.

Why the internet hates Presstorm.com

A few months ago, Presstorm.com consisted of a group of mostly well-meaning writers commenting on topics that were purportedly too hard-hitting for mainstream media. Some of these writers were serious journalists and some wrote meaningful editorials. Now there is nothing left but the pedantic opining of Jamie Jo Corne, although no one knows what her real name is. Incredibly, Corne has lost nearly 900 followers on Twitter in the past two weeks. She is truly a desperate outcast.

Jamie Jo Corne is an ex-con with a history of personality and mood disorders and also the mother of a very old man’s children. That’s a lot of cannon fodder for the trolls of the internet, but it’s definitely not enough, on its own, to justify the level of hate the internet has for Corne. In all frankness, Corne has the internet’s worst case of Unwarranted Self Importance, a subject the writers at Chronicle.SU hold several doctorates in. We teach a class every other Tuesday at Virginia Western Community College, if you’re interested.

Presstorm.com masquerades as investigative journalism, but it is no more than a soapbox for the rantings of Jamie Jo Corne. In her latest piece about Anonymous, The Passion of Slavery Within Anonymous, Corne extensively quotes the founding fathers, who themselves were slavers. Corne’s thesis that anonymity is the tool of the cowardly social reformer is an old argument that might have pissed off Anonymous at one point in time, but no one cares anymore.

In another story, Jamie Jo Corne chronicles her “investigation” of Anonymous, where she spent ten months on friendly terms with the collective she now hates. Corne claims that in the ten months investigating, the most insightful thing she learned was that “the majority of Anonymous was much like a cult.” Not much of an investigation, and again, this is well-trodden ground. The word cult has a lot of meaningless negative connotations, but yes, we all know Anonymous is like a cult. Any subculture like punks or hippies have these features. Again, the “investigation” yields nothing of value.

In conclusion, unfollow @JamieCorne so I can stop writing about her. Create some Anonymous operation or campaign if you have to. I keep looking for something of value in Jamie Jo Corne, but it’s not there. This shit is a big waste of my time. Each rule 34 makes me die a little more on the inside, because I know she just enjoys the attention.

Tea Party bombs Occupy Maine, threatens to Stab Occupy New Mexico

Sunday morning, jacked up on a fresh dose of religious indoctrination, two men affiliated with the Tea Party attempted acts of violence against the 99%. In Maine, a chemical bomb was detonated in the camper’s kitchen areas. In New Mexico, a man drew a knife and asked the occupants, “Who wants to be first?”

These events follow a fatal spree-killing of Occupy DC protesters earlier this month.

No protesters were hurt in the latest attacks. Analysts have suggested violence against protesters has taken a steep climb, and the protesters may just want to go home now if they value their lives.

Mike Flanagan of the Tea Party said “This nonsense is the devil’s work and we are brave crusaders for American Capitalism and Christ approves. I smile when I hear these stories about the devil’s failure.”

It has come as no surprise that Tea Party members have made attempts at violence against their rivals in the Occupy movement. The Tea Party regularly carries loaded guns to their protests just in case anyone should get a bright idea about health care or abortion, and in case the illegal president might show his ugly half black face.

In conclusion, quit while you’re ahead. You should be afraid, sitting in your tent, because the conservative echo chamber’s been told you are the devil. You might die if you keep protesting, so just go home, okay?

 

What 1984 taught us

Investigative Editorial

Why on earth would they teach that in a public school when so hard the media fought against it? Show us the news in schools from now on. Let’s watch the war live this 2012. It really is the end times.

The Mayans predicted there’d be no one to vote for.

Michelle Obama demonstrates a secret communist socialist gang sign
Michelle Obama demonstrates a secret communist socialist gang sign.

A vote of no confidence on voting. Remember when first ladies did stuff? I mean at least Tipper Gore made us look at awesome EXPLICIT LYRICS labels on our music (so the cool kids know what to buy). Michelle Osama, what’s she done besides smuggle terrorists across the border on Air Force Won? What’s she done besides destroy our economy? What’s she done besides live off welfare? I’m tired of paying her way! I work. I pay my $65 in child support every month. Where are my government handouts?

Sometimes when I play the piano I feel like I’m hearing explicit lyrics. [the following is the sound of Old Brutus playing the piano: BANG YREAH BITCH PING PING PING PING BANG BITCH YEAAAAH]

WHERE WERE YOU!?I SAID I PAY MY CHILD SUPPORT. Where was you, bitch! Where was you! Where was YOUR DAD OBAMA (Kenya) when you needed child support? They don’t like government handouts in the fucking savanna either, do they Black Obama? Why you gotta fuck your own people man? It’s cool for people to shit you out in the desert and you can become president but Mexicans who do it can’t even be citizens? Fucking hypocrite. I say lynch ’em all! God damn it!

WHERE’S DARYN MORAN?

Oh there he is

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