Month: February 2012

Humanity brought to its knees, there’s never been a better time to invest

Post author By Hatesec
Post date February 20, 2012
1 Comment on Humanity brought to its knees, there’s never been a better time to invest

Iranian warship transits the Suez canal to fuck with Israel and Syria like it's nothing.

IRAN GEARED UP FOR WAR

INJECTS TWO WARSHIPS

“Hate filled radiation bombs dropped on the fields below burned all the people alive in their homes, like pathetic voles,” said Vice Chairman of Radiation Bombs Senior Palmer, head of AT&T.

For Israel to bring the hatebombing against Iran, “there’s got to be at least 100” fighter jets in the sky, refueling mid-air during their thousand mile journey. “That way you kill the most innocents,” Palmer added. Lockheed Martin’s written all over this shit. Halliburton? Where are you.

Analysts predict the Israeli fuckstorm over nuke country could have “deep, long-lasting effects” on the region. Dr. Felix Clayborn of the Chronicle Institute of Hatenology said the rocket fire could theoretically be seen from the moon, “which is pretty fucking awesome.”

Meanwhile, South Korea carried forward with a military exercise punishable by North Korean military action. North Korea recently exploded a nuclear bomb underground with which inside sources say Kim Jong Un is preparing to rape the world “like a big radioactive dildo.”

Financial analysts have predicted unprecedented spikes in gas prices. “It’s going to fuck us for a long time,” lamented Clayborn, who is not an authority on the subject.

Lebal Drocer Space Technologies spokesman Raleigh T. Sakers said the fallout after global thermonuclear war is going to suck pretty bad.

“Human life on earth could be eradicated as early as Fall 2014,” prophesied Sakers. He also said gold will never cost nothing, adding that it will always be worth something. “There’s never been a better time to invest,” he explained.

Call 1-800-GOLD-HORD and ask how to put a lien on your firstborn child to gain access to hot new premium membership options. 1-800-GOLD-HORD

Tags apocalypse, raleigh theodore sakers

News Politics

Andrew Breitbart rape victim speaks out

Post author By Kilgoar
Post date February 17, 2012
3 Comments on Andrew Breitbart rape victim speaks out

INTERNET- Andrew Breitbart’s recent tirade at an Occupy event drew sharp criticism from feminists who found his repeated accusations of rape profoundly distasteful. In the video, which has gone viral, Breitbart repeatedly called the protesters freaks, animals, rapists, and demanded that the Occupiers learn to behave.

Friday, an anonymous source contacted Internet Chronicle staff and made a shocking revelation about an incident decades ago in which she claims Breitbart technically raped her. The source stated the incident was more of an alcohol-fueled “soft rape,” which she simply didn’t remember. “I woke up after a night of drinking with Breitbart only to find my tampon jammed uncomfortably deep and soaked with semen.”

This event was very difficult for our source to retell, and the emotional damage Andrew Breitbart’s rape did to this poor woman must have been life-shattering. “Breitbart has been in my nightmares ever since the rape night. My life has never been the same, and I have grown to fear all men, and I constantly imagine them raping me, with Andrew Breitbart’s reddened, angry face hovering over me.”

Breitbart has avoided a slander suit probably because it’s not illegal to spread lies about vast swathes of people who are only united by ideas. Our anonymous rape victim said, in an all-too-perfect conclusion to this article, “It’s like, he’s going around calling this group of people all rapists, which is totally unfair, and I mean, years ago this man raped me and my whole life was ruined. I had to finally face my fears, because I just want people to know what kind of a man is accusing the Occupy movement of mass-rape.”

News

Akon Invincible

Dearest Akon Invincible, my dark African prince and life mentor,

It has come to my attention that Chronicles SU is spreading contaminated lies, may your soul rest in perfect peace. Certainly, you may never die. Your fan, Odusanya Babafemi, posted a supportive message for you, “una de ment for una head una no they think before una go open that una smelling mouth dey talk rubbish, e bi like say they establish this site from sudan because hey just they give us lie wey no get life at all as una lie baba god don vex for the rubbish wey una right his night.” The community of the internet agrees Chronicles SU should be abolished.

Your fans are glad you are alive, although there are still hundreds of villages in Africa that have not been informed that the news of your death was actually just a hoax. Akon Invincible African Prince, we are writing you to request funds to spread the message that you have returned from the dead to these remote villages. We need several million dollars to ensure that the message reaches each and every person affected by this hoax. We also hope to spread the gift of your music by setting up solar panels and distributing MP3 players preloaded with nothing but music from Konvict records.

We your fans are completely devoted to the future well-being of your top singing career, oh Jewel of Africa

With much love and gratitude,

Henry Bekoe

May the almighty guide you and protect your family.