TRIMMING ALL YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE’S LOOSE ENDS: The Spy Tech Polonium Neutralization Set™

Polonium Neutralization SetLANGLEY, VA. — Little bras and bra-lets are, like, psyched about the birth of the little God dude. In response Lebal Drocer and Tyco corporate representatives are proud to announce the 20th anniversary of Spy Tech toys with the addition of the Polonium Neutralization Set™, perfect for trimming all the loose ends on your Christmas tree.

This set’s got everything little bras need to take care of all that flim-flab and jibba-jabba very potentially flowing from the mouths of the opposition. An eight-year-old Spy Tech focus group tester, speaking at a press conference outside of CIA headquarters, said, “That’s one thing I hate! All the noise, noise, noise, noise!”

The neutralization set is really quite simple. The first step is, bras take the polonium rock (included) produced in a reactor at the Mattel Factory in Foshan, China. They then take the rock file and get some shavings off of that beast. The best part is even little hands can manage the file. All you need is a grain-of-sand-sized particle of that polonium-210 and you’ve got some major “SSHHHH” . . . major “SSHHH” power.

Best of all, little spy bras and bra-lets can enjoy all of the greed and incompetence that define the world of modern espionage without any personal risk. The Spy Tech 20th anniversary Polonium Neutralization Set™ acts slowly, leaving the time of spiking — and maybe even its very happening — in total question, bro.

The Spy Tech 20th anniversary Polonium Neutralization Set™, from Mattel. Then you can just slip away. Pick up yours today with just a couple of bitcoins through Lebal Drocer, the only authorized reseller.

Schools are the reason for school shootings

What’s causing all these school shootings? Guns? Not enough guns? The News Media and easy infamy? Violent video games? Violent movies? Lack of mental health care? Lack of religion, culture, and community?


The reason for the school shooting epidemic should be obvious:

The schools. 

They’re prisons.

Remember finding yourself all of the sudden in the belly of The Machine. No you cannot leave, and now it is time to learn cursive. The kids are mean, and they don’t like you very much.

“I really enjoyed being stamped into a replaceable part by the system at Virginia Tech,” sneered Cho Seung Hui.

Every child needs the same program of strict, machine-like learning. But that’s not all, the children must be socialized. Acculturated. Broken down and rebuilt in the image of pure submission to the will of strictures handed down from innumerable invisible corporate offices and finance monopoly boardrooms. It’s the schools where you learn to do what they say.

“I was saving the kids’ lives. I didn’t want them to suffer like I did. I figured the younger, the better,” said a placid Adam Lanza.

The nervous hand-wringing response from adults who have been raised by this sick Machine is that the Machine needs to harden itself against the shootings. Whether that be toughening up gun restrictions, posting armed guards, or making it easier for parents to put their kids into increasingly strict “mental hospital” prisons, the solution is equivalent. More Machine.

“We did it because it made us heroes. We were freedom fighters, and schools were the worst form of tyranny because they targeted children,” said Dylan Klebold, as he cradled an AK-47.

The horrible realization that you are not a human, but rather a set of numbers with paperwork boundaries, should be too much for teenagers to handle. They should be shooting up schools, because it makes sense. The sliver of humanity left to you, after everything else has been reduced to corporate prison goo, that’s inevitably what everyone else is going to hate. You haven’t been broken down? You haven’t been homogenized? WE HATE YOU.

“What we did wasn’t senseless. You just want it to be senseless because it makes you feel less guilty,” said Eric Harris, puffing on a fat joint.

I don’t believe in using violence. It should be obvious that the school shooting craze is the greatest boon The Machine has ever seen, and I hate the Machine.

Kilgoar spent high school working against the Machine as a pro-backpack activist. Backpacks were outlawed in his local school district in response to the Columbine shootings, but with use of Proto-Anonymous style tactics and comedic animation, backpacks were retained for several semesters before The Machine regenerated.

“Operation Vigilant” drone program to police American schools

“Project Guardian” missile-laden drones to protect schools from spree killers.

WASHINGTON–Friday morning, President Obama held a press conference at the White House and declared a “war on school shootings,” naming former CIA director David Petraeus his administration’s “School Shooting Czar.” Rather than placing armed guards in schools, Petraeus unveiled a plan that will employ missile-toting predator drones for school defense.

Petraeus, speaking at the press conference, said, “We are a nation at war. Never again will we tolerate these senseless school shootings.”  Critics of the new homeland drone program, dubbed “Operation Guardian,” have warned that collateral damage will mean hundreds of more deaths for schoolchildren. Petraeus, annoyed, told the press “We cannot stand idly by and let these school shootings go on without a swift and brutal answer. We have taken all possible precautions to minimize collateral damage, but this is a war.”

Details of “Operation Vigilant” included plans for a centralized network of security cameras in all schools, which will be in place by early 2014, as well as an intensive data-mining program to monitor the entire internet for threats of school violence.

The Hyper Social Revolutionary Network Has Risen

Mob rule is everything in the Hyper Revolutionary Social Networking device.

This message comes from the Public Relations desk of your very own

While on its way to’s chief war correspondent Viet Zam, a message from Lillian King was intercepted early October, establishing a multi-tiered dialog around the coming “Social Network Revolution.” After several rounds of negotiation, [CHRONICLE EDITORS] have decided to release her video with the unspoken understanding there will be no further harassment from herself or the plethora of Illuminati-centered agencies she is believed to represent – both governmental and nongovernmental.

“A New Medium”

From the unsolicited email:

The Hyper Revolution video was created to show the strength of our new medium the Social Network.

Far from status updates and the latest instagram photos, social media is shifting the balance of social and political power back to the people and not a lot of individuals know this.

Lillian King

The new Social Network political party line is determined by upvoting. Its ideology is driven totally by cat videos and reposted television gaffes of celebrity politicians. There is no room for dissent once the most strongly worded opinions bob to the top – a sign that the Hyper Social Revolutionary Network has served its full purpose.

Sensationalism dominates the Hyper Revolutionary Social Network while marginalizing those willing to ask questions unanswerable by witty retorts that, no matter what, fail to reach into the humor box of the 98% who still don’t get it, ALL of whom carry the power of a downvote, and MANY of whom want YOU to shut up.

By the time you read this message, over 800 million people will believe they changed the world by clicking on Revolutionary status updates such as “Click Like if you are the 99%!”

We’re all leaders now. Join the Anti-Leaders for Change network and start posting today. Don’t forget to subscribe now and share this with your friends… You could start a revolution!

The Bozo Cult Arrived in 1998

DETROIT–In 1998, the Insane Clown Posse sold over 1 million albums and the world did not come to an end, but rather passed an inflection point. As foretold innacuratley by the Book of the SubGenius (forget the church–it is a scam like all other churches),  this was, in the exaggerated Mayan Apocalypse sense, just the end of an age and the beginning of a new one.

Adopting the horrific postmodern bent of the SubGenius, the Insane Clown Posse infantilized the idea of an irreverent church in order to appeal to to the largest possible audience. The highest member of the industrial church, J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, renounced his position and declared martial law. All pensions were seized and benefits revoked. Thousands of SubGenii have been laid off from reverse-proselytizing, and the elderly are beginning to die off without their Diabetes equipment. The next level of irreligion must be an order of magnitude more ironic, which isn’t ironic at all. Irony has been despoiled permanently by the bozo cult, and the once-dead “Bob” is being murdered repeatedly, every single femtosecond. Not only that, but there are trillions of “Bob”s, or likely more, each disagreeing entirely with the next.

The bozos have even taken over google.


Westboro Baptist poses as Anonymous, publishes their own d0x

INTERNET–The perennially fag-obsessed Westboro Baptists have, once again, posed as members of Anonymous–this time releasing their own personal information. While the media sings praise for the vigilante work of Anonymous, Fred Phelps sips bourbon. The stock of his church has gone up, yet again, as the media transfers their attention from the recent school shooting onto a religion designed specifically for the purpose of receiving negative attention. As fucking always.

“Anyone can be Anonymous”

Phelp’s church, plugging each tragedy into a one-size-fits-all protest scheme, has threatened to picket the sacred shooting grounds, which of course will deepen the truly authentic pain these families are dealing with in a profound way that of course has [everything, nothing] to do with religion.

“That little robot woman was as guilty as the man who had married Masson, or as Marie, who wanted me to marry her.” ~ Meursault

So, my friendly internet friends. I’m sitting here, interacting with a keyboard and a monitor, and I wonder if Westboro Baptist isn’t right about something. Religion is the fucking problem. Not gun control. Not lack of gun control. Religion.

We are blinded by that religion called blame. Too many guns. Not enough guns. Mental Illness. A single evil man. Not enough mental health care. These are only the effects of the shooting–the babble of confusion afterwards as we collectively try to rationalize our guilt. These are our rainbow-colored Westboro signs proclaiming what it is God must Hate.

We must not admit something about our culture of alienation is very sick; in fact it is the most disturbing taboo. Anything but us. Please. Blame anyone–or preferably any thing–but us.

Paul McCartney to tour with Nirvana

Kurt Cobain Lives!

NEW YORK–Wednesday Paul McCartney and Nirvana announced upcoming tour dates at the 12-12-12 benefit concert for victims of the oncoming Mayan Apocalypse. McCartney, who is rumored to have died in 1968, peeled off a mask to reveal he is an older version of Kurt Cobain. Angstrom H. Troubador, theoretical physicist, said that time reversals and weirdness have escalated to near critical mass. “These are indeed the endtimes. You may notice sporadic time reversals in the upcoming week. Only the Mayans Epopts know what will come next.”

Approximately 2 billion people around the world tuned in to the 12-12-12 concert, exposing themselves to precisely 12 minutes of crying victims of the oncoming Mayan Apocalypse. Several famous comedians read terribly unfunny scripts and embarrassed themselves badly. Kanye West, dressed in a garbage bag skirt, rapped to a beat which sampled King Crimson, tearing through fifteen songs in less than 8 minutes. Privileged white people pumped their fists calmly in their seats. The 68 year-old Roger Daltrey ripped his shirt off as The Who played along to a video vocal track performed by the late Keith Moon.

Mathematician Stephen Smale has discovered how to turn quantum spheres inside out using the discovery of the Higgs Boson. This has enabled wormhole tests at the secret military base in Montauk Sound.


Don’t ever eat at Taco Bell

The newly rebuilt combination Taco Bell and Pizza Hut in Southwest Roanoke has all the modern decor you’d expect from the latest wave in fast food interior design.

Fox News blared from the flatscreen as Bill O’Reilly’s visage reflected off the shining simulacra. Stunned and immersed by this Disneyland fantasy, I could hardly decide what to order. “Can I get the double-decker taco with the loco taco shell?” The cashier was completely lost in his smartphone and muttered something in response without making eye contact. I waited until his glazed eyes fell on the register and repeated myself. “Can you guys make double-decker tacos with the loco shells?”

“No, I’m sorry, that’s not on the menu. We can’t do that. There’s no way to ring it up,” he mumbled. So I ordered a pan pizza. The cashier rattled off an inaudible string of annoying questions like some kind of a machine. Cash in hand, I stared blankly at him. “Sorry, I have to say that stuff or they’ll fire me. They send in the fake customers sometimes to make sure.” Embarrassed at being forced into such a contrived excuse for service, he made change and returned his blank stare to the smartphone.

The pan pizza was not ready for over 20 minutes and during this time a ghoulish employee stalked back and forth across the dining room, eyeing customers with a hateful scowl. Highly uncomfortable, I approached the kitchen to inquire about my order. Another cashier was ready and waiting. “What would you like to order?”

“Um, sorry, no. I’m just waiting on my pizza.” With a condescending “Thank you,” another employee slammed the tray of lukewarm pizza and bread sticks onto the counter without making eye contact. According to the timestamps on the boxes, it had been ready for fifteen minutes. I could have demanded a fresh pizza, but I felt the oppressive stare from the dining room employee pacing behind me.

I might have eaten the pizza too fast, but either way it immediately made me sick. On the way home, I considered pulling off the road to vomit, but I didn’t want the six bucks to go to waste. Maybe all the old employees got new jobs somewhere else when they were rebuilding the place. Maybe some new training program backfired. The only one employee who consistently made eye contact was that intimidating demon, stalking around the dining room and wiping off tables mere seconds after customers left. She cleaned my table before I made it out the door.

Do not eat at Taco Bell.

Gmail taken down by Anonymous

INTERNET–Monday, Google’s popular Gmail e-mailing and chat service was taken down for several hours by the Anarchist Hacking Collective known as Anonymous. Barrett Brown, former spokesperson for the group, retweeted the information necessary to knock Gmail offline and has been detained by Federal Prosecutors.

Anonymous immediately denied responsibility for the attack on Gmail before finding out that no one knew who perpetrated the attack, thus making it a legitimately Anonymous attack. “No one knows who did it,” said Google security executive Angstrom H. Troubador. “It’s totally Anonymous”

Angered Gmail users lashed out at prominent Anonymous Twitter accounts, only to find themselves the target of a bullying campaign unlike anything seen since Amanda Todd was forced to suicide.


Julian Assange’s Spurned Lover Reveals Secret Affair Inside Ecuadorean Embassy

Assange has slowly lost grip on reality from the confines of the Ecuadorean Embassy in London.

“I was like a personal sex slave.”

LONDON–Julian Assange’s former personal assistant, now also a spurned lover, gave the Internet Chronicle exclusive details of her sordid affair with the Wikileaks spokesperson–all of which took place within the Ecuadorean embassy. “We’d do meth all day and all night, mainlining it straight into our thighs so as not to alert the Ecuadorean ambassador. That’s why Assange appears completely collected in some interviews and totally out of it in others,” said the anonymous ex-lover and assistant.

Ecuadorean officials recently stated concern that Assange is suffering medical complications related to his confinement in the embassy, and suggested that this is a human rights issue. The anonymous lover said, “He’s been driven to paranoia and ill-health by all the methamphetamine–he called it the mega sex juice–that I smuggled in to him. We injected all the time and fucked around the clock. Sometimes even while he was tweeting! It was great fun, but then he began to suspect I was part of the conspiracy against him.”

As Assange’s stay in the confining embassy wore on, increasingly he directed his energy in a fight against the concerted smear campaign he believed was being perpetrated by every single newspaper in the western world. This paranoid mindset was too much for the relationship. Said the ex-assistant, “We were both really fucked up on meth, and I made a joke about recording him–like I was wearing a wire. He threw me out in a rage, and we haven’t spoken since. He barely tweeted for well over a week. It was the meth withdrawal.”

When asked about whether the nature of their professional relationship in any way shaped their personal encounters, the anonymous ex-lover said, “At first I was just his assistant. I brought him meth, food, washed his clothes–basically did everything for him. It paid well, and he was definitely my boss. Looking back, I do believe he exploited his position of power for sexual ends. Yes, it was definitely far beyond sexual harassment. I was like a personal sex slave.”