Mobile Student Becomes Godlike Killer In The Pages Of History
Grady Pines student Jonathan Lupton becomes Godlike Killer in the pages of history

Stealing Hearts, Absorbing Souls

MOBILE, Ala. — At least 32 students were killed and 21 injured at Grady Pines High School in one brave student’s glorious quest for power.

Jonathan Lupton, 16, said he achieved post-human omnipotence following his legendary rampage.

“I breathed in their power, one by one as I absorbed their pure white souls,” Jonathan said as authorities stuffed him into an armored van.

There are still questions among the mass media circling Grady Pines High School, such as “What books does he read? What were his favorite movies? What videogames did he play? Where did he get the idea?” — all things which can be gleaned from Lupton’s myspace but until recently were ignored by the victims.

Lupton encouraged herds of new followers to keep up with his blog, str8shooter.tumblr.com and minute-to-minute (anti)social updates on Twitter.

CNN, CNBC, MSNBC, FOX News and RT are awash with features probing Jonathan’s home life, motives, attitudes, values, web search history, sports, hobbies and cryptic Facebook profile. With his face on every channel, #WWJD is trending on Twitter as the YOLO generation asks itself the question on the tip of everyone’s tongue: What Would Jonathan Do?

Before dying, Alina Sexton, a supple 15-year-old blonde, withdrew a T-Mobile 4g smartphone with unlimited anytime minutes and data, and posted pictures of the aftermath to Instagram with the caption, “lyke dis if u cry evrytiem :'(“

Other students used a popular image relay software called Pictochat to share alternate angles of Mobile’s newest celebrity.

Dreamy photographs of Jonathan surfaced, depicting a chiseled jaw line and dark, handsome frame as he stalked over the fallen husks of the weak. His thin-lipped smile is a mouth-watering temptation for swathes of Mobile area daughters just asking to be victimized.

Tomorrow’s Hero, Today

“He’s a role model for all future school shooters,” said Mobile Chief of Police Dick Vanderslaugh. “Little Jonathan raised the bar today.”

“Little Jonathan raised the bar today.”

Police Chief Dick Vanderslaugh

Legislators have already stepped forward with pre-written laws to demonstrate what an impact driven young people can have on American life, if they could just set their minds to it.

Alabama State Rep. Blaze Hayden, D-Ala., said his team of lawyers have written what they call Lupton’s Law, named after the shooter, to restrict sales of a third gun attachment. “The law must adapt to our changing youth,” Hayden said.

“Kids these days are more accurate than when we were kids, shooting up schools,” he added. “We owe it to today’s youth to present them with a challenge. Just think — if we took off laser sights — what tomorrow’s youth could achieve. Kids these days can’t hardly line up a red dot, much less squint down over the iron sights.”

Latest reports indicate Jonathan has begun work on an inner lair — and has sunk into a nest in his jail cell — in anticipation of a Charles Manson-like existence.

Mind-control Occultist Aaron Bale ‘takes over’ Anonymous

EDITOR’S NOTE: The intention of this article is not to deny any member of ‘Anonymous’ his or her right to anonymity, but to tell the story of one very active member who continuously self-promotes.

The strange story of Aaron Remington K. Bale, known to many on Twitter as ‘Anonforecast’, perhaps began with a traumatic brain injury suffered in a severe Jeep accident while at the University of Louisville. Bale may have once possessed a fine mind, as evidenced by his claim of a near-perfect score on the SATs. Bale shared pictures of this former life in which he was both sociable and even popular. Since then, Bale awarded himself the “Anonymous Medal of Honor,” specifically for failing to remain Anonymous. As he wrote on his resume, “I survived an entire year in Anonymous fully doxxed (dox.AaronBale.com) without getting Attacked.” However, within those very ‘dox’, he also stated that other malicious attempts to dox him were merely attacks containing false information. Not only that, but Bale assumed extravagant and absurd titles such as “Previous Founder and Intellectual Property Representative for Anonymous Joint-Operations TrapWire, Darknet, Payback and Blackout-SOPA/NDAA.” Among his colleagues, Bale listed Wikipedia co-founder Jimmy Wales, Google CEO Eric Schmidt, Anonymous scholar Gabriella Coleman, writer Quinn Norton, reporter Amber Lyon, Arizona Senator John McCain, and many others he has certainly never contacted, let alone collaborated with.

Bale, much like Barrett Brown, worked with Anonymous without anonymity or any discernible technological talents. I first became aware of Bale while monitoring Barrett Brown’s video chat room, a place full of ‘Anonymous’ neophytes posturing to replace the “leader” Barrett Brown, who had been recently arrested for threats he made on YouTube directed at the children of a mysterious “Agent Smith.” Bale appeared in this chat room nightly, donning the iconic Guy Fawkes mask when it suited him and going without when it didn’t. Like most of the denizens of this chat room, he spoke of things that made little sense and was easily shaken by a group of trolls who discovered the recently arrested Barrett Brown’s hive of idiot wannabes.

It occurred to me, on investigating Mr. Bale for the first time, that his entire persona could be an elaborate joke and a put-on, as some of the materials he has produced are genuinely funny. On the internet, it’s often hard to tell:

“Lamar Smith was the 3rd Horseman of the Apocalypse, SOPA was his Horse. UNITU is the 4th, and November 5th Ratification of #OpVote (Untitled2269) is the only thing on earth that can stop an Eternity of Hell-on-Earth that follows this upcoming Final World War. I see enough strongly correlated support from the Milgram Corrolary, our Founding Fathers and the Beatitudes of OccupyJesus, to tell you that Anonymous came to deliver you form Cyber-Armageddon.” ~ Aaron Bale

‘Forecast’, as Bale is often called, recently spoke on The MIXX talk radio about #OpLastResort, an ‘Anonymous’ operation responding to the death of Aaron Swartz. Forecast’s appearance on this show was publicized by @YourAnonNews, the largest Anonymous-branded Twitter account at over half a million followers. Bale earnestly explained to the audience that he and his collaborators created the groundswell of opposition to SOPA by attaching relevant information to Justin Bieber hashtags. This is not too far from the narrative that opposition to SOPA was an organic, grassroots reaction to bad legislation, as many activists believe. This popular narrative ignores executive decisions at Google, Reddit, and Wikipedia–three of the internet’s most trafficked sites–to place a scare-message warning people of the dangers of SOPA. The SOPA blackout, indeed, was successful mostly because of powerful executives who felt their profits threatened. Most do not accept this particularly sensible narrative, instead believing “the people” rose up to stop evil. It is only slightly more ridiculous to believe “the people” surfing Justin Bieber hashtags made all the difference. Shaken, Forecast repeatedly mentioned that he would likely be the next internet activist to get “Swartzed” or “Barrett Browned.”

The premise of #OpLastResort made about as much sense as the story of how Aaron Bale and his team of Bieber-taggers defeated SOPA. By releasing encrypted files of supposedly damning evidence against the government, ridiculously dubbed “Whistleblowing Warheads,” Bale and his colleagues hoped to ransom a rapid change in legislation. Should Bale find himself “Swartzed,” the encryption key to these “warheads” would be automatically released. The changes #OpLastResort demanded, although poorly stated, were actually fairly sensible considering the mistreatment of Aaron Swartz.

[1] There must be reform of outdated and poorly-envisioned legislation, written to be so broadly applied as to make a felony crime out of violation of terms of service, creating in effect vast swathes of crimes, and allowing for selective punishment.
[2] There must be reform of mandatory minimum sentencing.
[3] There must be a return to proportionality of punishment with respect to actual harm caused, and consideration of motive and mens rea.
[4] The inalienable right to a presumption of innocence and the recourse to trial and possibility of exoneration must be returned to its sacred status, and not gambled away by pre-trial bargaining in the face of overwhelming sentences, unaffordable justice and disfavorable odds.
[5] Laws must be upheld unselectively, and not used as a weapon of government to make examples of those it deems threatening to its power.

As “Outside,” by 90’s alternative rocker Staind, provided bumper music, I began to reconsider the possibility that ‘Forecast’ was all a bad joke. Why would hackers at Anonymous release encrypted versions of documents that were so damning the government would cave to demands? How could Anonymous possibly withhold data on their arch-nemesis? Should the government issue a statement accepting the demands of Anonymous and quickly attempt to meet them, an impossible feat within the narrow window of Anonymous’  attention span, what incentive would Anonymous have to retain the documents? It was the kind of scheme only a person with Traumatic Brain Injury could cook up. The bad music was over, and Bale pontificated about fulfilling his role as spokesperson for Anonymous, but I’d had enough.

In essence, #OpLastResort was like saying, “I’m distributing a secret weapon that will totally destroy you, my worst enemy, but I’m not going to show it to anyone, and I’ll only refrain from destroying you if you just do what I say.” This might be laughable if it wasn’t so serious. #OpLastResort went viral this weekend, generating news headlines and earning a front page spot on YouTube by Monday. It seemed so obvious that the “Whistleblowing Warheads” were a bluff designed to draw attention to demands that weren’t expected to be met.

Empty, non-violent, and terroristic threats are still terroristic threats, yet Aaron Bale has gone out of his way to make sure he has not retained a shred of anonymity, a strategic move that may not play out so well in coming weeks. Should the lizard-people decide to target Bale, they will find a long list of his current medications published at cage.aaronbale.com, a subsection of his site where he details “BrainCage,” a debilitating syndrome in which the sufferer needs constant care or prompting from a “brain orthotic,” a device invented by Bale.


A State Secretary’s Big Day on Capitol Hill

Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton gnashes her teeth to exhibit dominance.

RICHMOND, Va.– Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stood to testify in front of the Senate Wednesday about the events that took place during the attack on the Benghazi Consolate, September 11, 2012, now widely understood not to have been sparked by “The Innocence of Muslims.” Sec. Clinton was met by the Senate Foreign Relations Committee with accolades for her valiant efforts at State and traveling the world for “more than 1 million miles” on the taxpayers’ dime. She accepted these comments graciously and, as she took a seat, touched herself with pleasure.

Opening remarks by the secretary began with her listing those lost during this tragic attack, followed by generously offering an explanation as to what was learned and what steps the department will take to prevent further deaths like those in Benghazi. As expected, these new precautions were shrouded in the usual, deluded double talk that makes Sec. Clinton better than average Americans. To everyone’s immediate satisfaction, Clinton began recounting the events of September 11th, which she explained through concise and indistinguishable details.

The Secretary’s account was standard fare for the Senate’s consumption, as she proceeded to tell the committee that she “stood with President Obama as he spoke of ‘an act of terror.'” To the Senate majority’s delight, where there should have been mention or question of the film “Innocence of Muslims” that the secretary and Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice blamed for fueling the attack in Benghazi, there were only small gasps and muffled syllables as many Senate members were gagged and bound.

Keeping a safe distance from the truth, the purpose of the hearing was again roundly avoided when Secretary Clinton began to weep recalling her embarrassing loss of the Democratic nomination in 2008. Inside sources say Clinton then “also appeared somewhat upset” when she spoke of her touching encounters with family members of those lost at the Benghazi consolate who were not operating some kind of illicit CIA safe house/extrajudicial detainment center.

“It was a deeply moving sight to see. Never have I seen anyone so passionate for their lost dog,” Vice President Joe Biden later commented.

Never have I seen anyone so passionate for their lost dog.

Joe Biden

Sec. Clinton brought her statements to a close, thanking the Senate for their time and cooperation. Clinton emphasized the importance of working together and spending more money to “face increasingly complex threats” before the chair opened the floor for questions. At first there was silence, but it was quickly followed by the rustle of committee members removing their pants in anticipation of the orgy that would follow the nonthreatening Q-and-A — calling the occasion “a job well done.”

Before a recess could be called a questionnaire by the Senate Foreign Relations Committee proved troublesome for Secretary Clinton, when one of the previously restrained minority senators struggled free his ball gag/gimp suit, which the Education Department had on-site as a demonstration of new Obama administration sex education standards. Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI), though disheveled, yellow and chaffed, had managed to stumble back to his seat by moving behind the wagons that encircled Sec. Clinton.

Before he was noticed, Sen. Johnson shouted across the assembly, “We were misled that there were protests, and that an assault sprang out of that. It could have been easily ascertained that was not the fact within the first couple days!” Sen. Johnson was quickly restrained by David Brock’s bodyguards before he breached the topic of the government possibly misleading the American people about Benghazi.

Secretary Clinton, recognizing the strategic opening for a rebuttal, stood up from her canine-like position in the room’s center and replied “What difference, at this point does it make?!

Rachel Maddow and Katrina van Heuvel, although strongly differing on issues like the death of Vince Foster and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, issued a joint statement on MSNBC calling this the “best moment of Secretary Clinton’s career.”

The secretary’s responses during the Q-and-A inspired the committee to break into a standing ovation.

“What difference, at this point does it make?!” is expected to be the slogan for the Democratic Party, and possibly former first lady Hillary Clinton by January 2016.

At the end of the day CNBC quoted the secretary as saying, “This is a great day for Americans. Finally, we have philosophy that can universally absolve any great failure or problem.”

Campaign debts paid, and the slate wiped clean, advisers said Secretary Clinton is expected to meet with “Innocence of Muslims” Director Nakoula Nakoula in prison to thank him formally for taking the fall for Benghazi. Sources said Clinton sighed in relief: “We almost had to tell something closer to the truth.”

Britney Spears ‘desperately addicted to the internet’

Britney Spears covers her sunken internet-addicted eyes with cakey makeup.
Britney Spears covers her sunken internet-addicted eyes with cakey makeup.

LAS VEGAS–Britney Spears is at it again, but this time her family has stepped in to prevent her dangerous, but not-so-teenage pop star antics.

Currently working on a $100 million deal, the former starlet will be performing Las Vegas shows, like a ‘slave’, each night at the TransAtlantis Casino and Resort Hotel. The 31-year-old’s worsening addiction to googling herself has caused her handlers to take away all internet and phone privileges, as if she were an innocent child incapable of taking care of herself–yet paradoxically she is expected to be a ‘jaded’ sexual adult.

“Internet Addiction is especially dangerous for celebrities who want to keep a handle on their own failing career,” said addiction expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour. After several botched plastic surgeries, Spears’ aging face no longer arouses middle-aged male fans. This caused the sharp decline in Spears’ record sales which led to the degrading new gig in Vegas. ‘Britney’, as her fans once knew her, has reportedly not been laid in years, and is putting on excess weight due to her deepening internet addiction.

Britney Spears will never, ever, be famous again. She peaked decades ago, and no one wants to see a wrinkly old woman pretending to be a sexy child-adult star. Her series of tragic comebacks and failed image-reboots have culminated in the only way possible: Fat Old Spears will work away her last few days performing for bored Las Vegas drunks, as she herself marinates in the same fatal solution of pills and booze that claimed Fat Old Elvis.

“Immortality gene” discovered in remote African tribe

Elderly, but youthful, the Enyan tribesmen fish at Wagenia Falls.
Elderly, but youthful, the Enyan tribesmen fish at Wagenia Falls.

Kisangani, DRC–Ethnologists working with newly-rediscovered tribes of Enya, located near Kisangani in the Democratic Republic of Congo, announced evidence supporting the existence of an “immortality gene.” Expedition leader and genetic anthropologist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, said, “At first we did not believe the shaman who told us the ages of many members of the tribe. They appeared to be in their mid-twenties, but here was a spry middle-aged man claiming they were fifty or sixty years old and that he was well over a hundred.”

To Dr. Troubador’s surprise, preliminary field testing showed that these claims might not just be a product of an idiosyncratic calendar. “You can imagine my disbelief, when these tests came back. We had to make sure of what we were seeing,” he said. The scientists gathered more samples, sending them out to independent labs without mentioning the bizarre tales spun by the local shaman. All the results confirmed that these youthful-looking indigenous Africans were indeed much older than they appeared. It seemed the scientists had discovered the fountain of youth.

“There’s something magical about the village, something quite ineffable. It’s a place you don’t want to leave,” mused Dr. Troubador. The researcher took great care in announcing his findings to a justifiably skeptical world. “I want to make sure I’m drawing the correct conclusions and that the evidence is sound. I am, for the first time, confident enough to publish this discovery.”

Although this incredible discovery is yet to be confirmed by peer review, already the medical community is wondering: What could this mean for the future of medicine? The gene, identified by Dr. Troubador’s team, could potentially be isolated and introduced to the population with the use of a carefully genetically modified virus. This plan, if implemented correctly, would instantly double or triple life expectancy of all humans on earth. According to some analysts, this kind of change could upset the fragile ecological balance of a planet which is already under pressure by the threat of overpopulation. However, the technology to implement this plan is still in the preliminary stages, and the virus could take up to five years to complete. With existing technology, this gene can already be implanted into embryonic tissue, resulting in “immortal” designer babies who age at half the normal rate. This procedure, which has already been performed in secret on an undisclosed number of babies, is said to cost nearly a billion dollars per baby.

While most members of the expedition returned with Dr. Troubador, one remained behind and married into the tribe, hoping, according to some, to ensure the longevity of her offspring. People in the area have long considered tales of the immortal lost tribe as nothing more than a bit of legend, but now a mania seems to have gripped women in the area. Searching high and low for the lost tribe, women have reportedly thrown themselves upon any and all indigenous men they come across, on the hopes that their children will carry the magic of the “immortal” Enyan tribe.

John Stoltenberg: “Andrew ‘@rabite’ Auernheimer Only Kidding; No Racist, Sexist”

John StoltenbergMuch ado has been made persecuting compassionate and considerate member of the online family Andrew Auernheimer, a playful jokester who has brought delight to the faces of millions of Internet users. Monocultural chauvinists in federal law enforcement have run wild with accusations of “computer fraud,” while confused fellow “leftists” like Raw Story Editor Emeritus Ron Brynaert have smeared Andrew with vile accusations of sexism and near-genocidal racism. All of these accusations are the exact opposite of all of Andrew Auernheimer’s opinions.

I have worked throughout my life not only for the cause of LGBTQIA rights (or QLIBTGA — there need not be any order!) but for the welfare of individuals on barest public subsistence. To me, the Stonewall Riots seem like they were only yesterday, even though my parents birthed me right as the New Deal gave hope for the first time to masses of retired individuals. I can tell you with complete certainty that the loveable Mr. Auernheimer has no predilections against people of color, against sex workers, or anyone in the greater Semitic family. By citing with pseudo-pride his European heritage, Andrew is only ironically referring us to that continent’s relatively generous and effective social safety nets.

With a wink and a smile, Andrew’s latest blog post is letting us all know that he is with us in the Great Fight against Ignorance, and that by pretending to be some sort of brown-eyed, ginger Nazi he is with us on the picket lines for the long haul. He starts off with his usual tongue-in-cheek smirk:

Several people asked if I’d go see “The Hobbit” with them. I declined in a rather cruel fashion.

See? There he goes again, letting us know explicitly that his tone is cruel. While normally I’d decline to agree with the heartless, hard-nosed associates of Forbes magazine, their take on Andrew’s humor as being intentional and sarcastic in its offensiveness is right on.

Calm down, Time’s Philip Elmer-DeWitt. Old Andrew knows the score. He’ll be with us — next to our engineer sisters with signs — the next time former Harvard President Lawrence Summers tries to tell women they’re stupid, obsequious domestic playthings.

Andrew has done as much to promote multiculturalism as Auburn University’s own Alan Gribben, when the latter published the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn NewSouth Edition, effectively cleansing the book of its pro-white, pro-death code words.

Before taking us into his snarky, actually anti-Nazi diatribe against Hollywood’s latest money-grubbing snatch into theatergoers’ pockets, Andrew claims to be for some sort of unrealistically self-sufficient Nordic life ethic. Then — and this is the really brilliant part — the satirist comes out against barest government provision for working families. To this end, he cites the original end to J. R. R. Tolkien’s The Return of the King.

In Tolkien’s version, the hobbits of the fellowship return to the Shire only to see it taken over by a snide old wizard controlling a horde of half-orcs. The hobbits do the only sensible thing that one would do when finding ones hometown infested by section 8 housing full of parasitic thugs, rapists and murderers: start a pogrom.

Did you see that? By playing on pop culture stereotypes of African-Americans as mindless killing, force-copulating machines, Andrew has held the Stormfront set slime up to the disinfectant of sunshine. Usually those Christian Identity losers are just able to keep to reinforcing each other somewhere in flyover country, or via their teledildonic message board activity.

Let me give you another example: The Tortoise and the Hare. I’m sure you were read it as a child. It always seemed to me to be an idiotic story to encourage people to slave away endlessly for a statistically impossible hope that they are somehow getting ahead.

When I finally read the real story, I knew hundreds of millions of children were being robbed.

Europe rose to power with children being read the Brothers Grimm classic, “The Hare and the Hedgehog.”

If my decades-long “Mirror Has Two Faces” marriage to acclaimed fellow feminist Andrea Dworkin taught me anything, it was how to use literary analysis to determine within seconds which males of white, Protestant descent were bigots. Through his brilliant satire — daresay his innumerable contributions to the computing community, for which he has been endlessly persecuted by our government — blessed Andrew is his generation’s Bayard Rustin, Harvey Milk and Larry Kramer, all rolled into one!

The Tortoise and the Hare actually outdates the 19th century Grimm brothers tale by thousands of years. The former tale’s place in the foundation of Old Europe, which And-and calls “the most precious thing that I hold within me,” is actually far deeper. Andrew knows well that the Tortoise story’s Greek origins place it at the crossroads of democracy’s very founding. While the Grimm tale is meant to encourage young men to put women in “their place” and to marry women who look as much like them as possible, modern anthropological biologists and Andrew understand that intelligence quotients tend to be higher in the offspring of interracial couplings. This neo-Puck has extended his hand across from the hilltops of Appalachia straight to his brothers, sisters and intersex individuals at the tippitiest-top of the ivory tower.

His wink comes when he cites the story of Prometheus, who like Aesop’s tortoise is of Greek origin. Therein Andrew’s mission to open our eyes and hearts to the plights of LGBTQIA individuals and those of color blossoms into full view. “Promethian flame is being replaced with politically corrected filth,” he writes.

So it’s with a palm to my chin, and a high-cheeked grin that I call off the misguided, if well-meaning, attack dogs at the Southern Poverty Law Center, Human Rights Campaign and Anti-Defamation League who have unfairly maligned Andrew Auernheimer. My friends, you owe him an apology. Were my lifelong friend Andrea alive, I’m sure she would wholeheartedly agree. God bless.

Former Southern Baptists Sue Church Over Misrepresented Donations

The Southern Baptist Fortified Super Church looms over its flock.
The Southern Baptist Fortified Super Church looms over its flock.

ROANOKE, Va.– Two former members of Cave Spring Baptist Church have filed a lawsuit claiming the church and its affiliates deceived members into donating millions to misrepresented causes, such as a digital signboard and homeless shelters.

Jim and Melinda Bastez of Roanoke, Virginia, filed the complaint in federal court in Washington, where the couple claimed they were duped into giving more than $420,000 for a building campaign, police arsenal upgrades and incest research, only to find the bulk of the money went to homeless shelters and the less fortunate, led by progressive Pastor David Miscavige.

“The church, under the leadership of David Miscavige, has strayed from its founding principles, the lawsuit claims, “and no longer stands for the hatred and distrust of outside cultures that protect the family, God and the Bible.”

Pat Harney, a Southern Baptist spokesman said the church had not yet been served with the lawsuit, but challenged any contention that money was misused.

“We understand from media inquiries this has something to do with fundraising and we can unequivocally state that – we know the meaning of the word unequivocally – and that all funds solicited are used for the hateful and xenophobic purposes for which they was donated,” Mr. Harney said.

The Bastezes were members of the church for 27 years, rising to upper levels of its hierarchy, and doing cocaine with celebrities in the infamous 700 Club. They left in November 2010 over their disenchantment with the church’s direction toward compassion and human understanding led by Mr. Miscavige.

The lawsuit names various trusts and nonprofits linked to the church and says they actively engage in charity work, unfair donations to the poor and deceptive trade practices with the Salvation Army.

Attorney Teddy Bobby of Fairfax, Virginia, who is handling the suit, said it would be followed by more similar claims from former Southern Baptists. He said the Bastezes still believe in the precepts of the Baptist Church and that the litigation is not a commentary on whether it is a true religion. That question, he said, is ultimately irrelevant when considering its members’ donations, who were led to believe the money would help keep the blacks in their place, and faggots from marrying.

A cornerstone of church practice is personal counseling sessions, known as auditing, in which members disclose many facets of their personal lives.

The Bastezes also claim to have prepaid for auditing and training services that were never provided and for which a refund was never received, and to have given about $340,000 for the church’s planned White Power building for high-level hatemongering.

Christian Stork: The Megalomania of Aaron Swartz Prosecutor Carmen Ortiz

Massachusetts District U.S. Attorney Carmen Ortiz (Courtesy: Wikipedia)
Massachusetts District U.S. Attorney Carmen Ortiz (Courtesy: Wikipedia)

WASHINGTON — In a not-so-stirring defense of academic conglomerate JSTOR, U.S. Attorney Carmen Ortiz said of Aaron Swartz‘s offenses, “Stealing is stealing whether you use a computer command or a crowbar, and whether you take documents, data or dollars. It is equally harmful to the victim whether you sell what you have stolen or give it away.” While common sense and lore would tend to at least lend more sympathy to Robin Hood- or Jean Valjean-type characters, who might be at least functioning out of some concern for others, Ms. Ortiz remained steadfast in her pursuit of recent “an Hero” Mr. Swartz, trying to see him put in jail for potentially the rest of his life.

Over at WhoWhatWhy Christian Stork does a nice little breakdown of this U.S. attorney’s wading into murky waters of civil asset forfeiture, one particular case in which she agreed to help confiscate a rundown, mom-and-pop Massachusetts motel because because “from 2001 to 2008, .05 [percent of at least 125,000 visitors] were arrested for drug crimes on the property.” This was a theft just like Aaron Swartz’s. Except not it was not a theft in the high-minded name of educating the world’s downtrodden, but in that of fattening the pockets of law enforcement agencies, treating poor drug abusers as criminals, alongside those who might dare house them.

Mr. Stork paints a disturbing picture of a civil asset forfeiture system in which being in debt vis-a-vis a mortgage — meaning that a bank, and its lawyers, has some has some skin in the game — means that the owners of this motel would have been in an even better position to disavow their affiliation with three handfuls of guest drug offenses. But alas they ran out of lawyer money, and the government all at once took five decades of family property worth $1.5 million.

Mr. Stork also outlines a direct financial, not an external ethical, motive for law enforcement to take on these kinds of civil asset forfeitures. He cites the testimony of a DEA agent claiming that federal attorneys never go after anything with less than $50,000 in equity. Additionally, local law enforcement, for cooperating with the feds, can look to take home up to 80 percent of what was seized. That’s a major incentive to turn a blind eye to a violation of property rights. In fact it’s more of an incentive to turn a blind eye to property-rights violations than the Pirate Party ever had: It’s money straight to the bank!

The same prosecutor, Carmen Ortiz, who sought to lock up Aaron Swartz for his failure to respect property rights of the proprietors of academic information also sought to seize a family’s business because an extreme minority of their clientele used drugs. Mr. Stork’s article makes clear that this was ultimately the DEA’s initiative, with Ms. Ortiz simply acting as its lawyer. But that doesn’t change that this U.S. attorney lacks any consistency in her modus operandi. It’s pretty obvious that the low rates for staying at this establishment, Motel Caswell, made it an even more tempting target.

Ms. Ortiz’s office released a statement about the seizure, saying: “The government believed that this was an important case . . . because of the deterrent message it sends to others who may turn a blind eye to crime occurring at their place of business.” But Mr. Stork shows this is shmoax because local crime rates dictate that there would have been just as much of a rationale for seizing nearby Walmart, Home Depot, Applebees, Motel 6 and IHOP. But those are large businesses, and no matter how many people shoot up or each other inside, they’ll have the lawyers to keep the whomever or the DEA at bay.

Giovanna Plowman, “Tampon Girl,” commits suicide at 15

"i'm the queen of the world. everyone loves me, and you guys will do whatever i want you guys to do (; cause i'm THAT famous! (;"
“i’m the queen of the world. everyone loves me, and you guys will do whatever i want you guys to do (; cause i’m THAT famous! (;”

TAMPA, FLA. — Giovanna Plowman’s rise to fame was meteoric, but as she dazzled Internet denizens with feats of amazing fecundity, she also sowed the seeds of her own demise. Just 48 hours into her new career as the Internet’s most famous tampon-sucker, the ceaseless bullying of the heartless masses forced her to commit suicide. Ms. Plowman’s suicide video has since received over 50 million views from adoring fans.

“[G]iovanna just wanted to be famous like all of us. I can’t believe they’d do this to her, just for expressing herself,” said one commenter on YouTube. Fans may have only known her for a few short days, but the hole she plugged in their hearts was left gaping and bloody. “We must stop these trolls! They’re taking our youngest and brightest from us,” said Mothers Against Trolling spokesperson Lindsey Siphers.

This tragic death comes on the heels of a spat of teenage suicides related to bullying, and many commenters have likened Giovanna Plowman to Amanda Todd. “She’s just so brave,” said one fan, “for standing up to those bullies like this. God bless Giovanna.”


US Air Force Global Strike Command Celebrates MLK Legacy of War Promotion

Martin Luther King, Jr. Might Understand Today’s Wars, Pentagon Lawyer Says

Commentary by Warren Ward
Air Force Global Strike Command Programming Division


1/21/2013 – BARKSDALE AIR FORCE BASE, La.  — Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s 83rd birthday was Jan. 15. . . His courageous crusade for equality was first nationally recognized on Jan. 20, 1986, when President Reagan established the third Monday in January as an official federal government holiday.

Our country, our Air Force and Air Force Global Strike Command can learn much from Dr. King’s drive for America to be a nation of equals. . . During his “I Have a Dream” speech given at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. on Aug. 28, 1963, King told a gathering of more than 200,000 Americans, “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the meaning of its creed, ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.'”

Dr. King completed his moving presentation with an emphasis on the freedom that equality brings, “…from every mountainside, let freedom ring. . . And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, black men, white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing the words of the old Negro spiritual: Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty we are free at last!”

The Department of Defense is a leader in equal opportunity for all patriots seeking to serve this great nation. . . The vigilant warriors in AFGSC understand they are all equal and unified in purpose to provide a safe, secure and effective deterrent force for the United States. . .

Dr. King would be proud to see our Global Strike team – comprised of Airmen, civilians and contractors from every race, creed, background and religion – standing side-by-side ensuring the most powerful weapons in the U.S. arsenal remain the credible bedrock of our national defense. . . Our team must overlook our differences to ensure perfection as we maintain and operate our weapon systems. . . Maintaining our commitment to our Global Strike team, our families and our nation is a fitting tribute to Dr. King as we celebrate his legacy.



Click Here To Read About Global Wars Martin Luther King Might Have Supported Today If The Government Didn’t Assassinate Him