Commander X begs for donations to build his media empire, which has been stolen by rivals in the Rustle League
INTERNET — The homeless hacktivist Commander X, who was believed on the lam in Canada from hacking charges in America, has been stripped of his last vestige of dignity as rival hackers, known as the Rustle League, commandeered his Twitter account. Among his private messages, the Rustle League found evidence Commander X is back home in America.
The aging hacker and sole member of the “People’s Liberation Front” is known for his bombastic rhetoric and persuasive, old-timey charm. During the famous Operation Payback, Commander X found a following of teenagers who assisted him in downing the website of a local courthouse which had recently charged him with vagrancy.
Sources also report the Rustle League used this account to post from the much larger Your Anon News syndication service, which recently received millions of dollars in donations. These funds, according to data leaked from Commander X’s account, were “invested” in bricks of marijuana and smuggled across the Canadian border by Commander X himself.
McDonald’s has a new machine which can flip burgers faster than John Henry can drive steel.
This weekend, McDonald’s unveiled a new device which CEO Donald Thompson promised will revolutionize the fast food industry. Taking its cue from Redbox, the vending machine for movies and video game rentals, McDonald’s developed a vending machine which cooks and serves food to order. According to CEO Donald Thompson, “The McBox not only equals or betters the quality and consistency McDonald’s customers have come to expect, but it is faster and cheaper than visiting a McDonald’s staffed by humans.”
The McBox unit is about twice the size of a RedBox, but features a similar touch screen for easy ordering. Like the RedBox, the McBox will only require minimal supply and maintenance, slashing overhead for McDonald’s.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, economic theorist and famed philosopher, spoke out with stern words of warning. “Brick-and-mortar retail sales are failing because of online shopping, nearly all video rental stores have shut down in just a few years, and it now seems inevitable that the same thing will happen to fast food. The pace at which jobs are being replaced by automation has hit a critical juncture where we’re going to have to reassess not only the work ethic of our great nation, but also ideas once thought of as fundamentals to all economic theories. Perhaps we may find new value in leisure, and maybe it’s time to repay the taxpayers for their continued investment in computing technology which has allowed such leisure time. When these technologies were introduced in manufacturing, few benefited and many lost jobs. As a result, a majority of citizens now live below the poverty line working in retail and service industries, and it will not be long before those jobs go the same way as manufacturing. It will happen nearly overnight, like the closing of video rental stores, and we will be left with fewer and fewer options which are tasteful to our aging ethical sensibilities. We must remember the story of John Henry, but give up the notion that he could even compete with technology by sacrificing his life. He can’t flip burgers fast enough. Given the chance to compete with today’s technology, I believe John Henry would rather sit by and eat fish ‘o fillet sandwiches, despite his legendary work ethic.”
Julian Assange passed from complications due to a burst bladder in the confines of the Ecuadorian Embassy.
LONDON — Fans mourn the loss of Julian Assange, who was found dead in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London after suffering a burst bladder. Assange was known for “accidentally” publishing trillions of documents containing scandalous details of United States imperialist foreign policy without redaction. Authorities in London say he refused medical aid because he feared a “double-whammy execution extradition” to Sweden and then America, where he would face lethal injection for aiding and abetting terrorism.
Barack Obama held a press conference declaring victory over WikiLeaks and issued a stern warning to Ecuador. “Countries which harbor terrorists like Julian Assange are fair game for American drone strikes. Haven’t you read WikiLeaks lately?”
The last ragged remnants of Anonymous have banded together using the freedom software tool “Low Orbit Ion Cannon” to knock off the NSA supercomputer by overwhelming it with traffic. The NSA system feeds into a nuke-proof trillion terabyte hard drive underneath a mountain in the desert which will be able to store the entire traffic of the internet for the next hundred years.
