Hacker Commander X loses Twitter account to Rustle League

Commander X begs for donations to build his media empire, which has been stolen from by rivals in the Rustle League
Commander X begs for donations to build his media empire, which has been stolen by rivals in the Rustle League

INTERNET — The homeless hacktivist Commander X, who was believed on the lam in Canada from hacking charges in America, has been stripped of his last vestige of dignity as rival hackers, known as the Rustle League, commandeered his Twitter account. Among his private messages, the Rustle League found evidence Commander X is back home in America.

The aging hacker and sole member of the “People’s Liberation Front” is known for his bombastic rhetoric and persuasive, old-timey charm. During the famous Operation Payback, Commander X found a following of teenagers who assisted him in downing the website of a local courthouse which had recently charged him with vagrancy.

Sources also report the Rustle League used this account to post from the much larger Your Anon News syndication service, which recently received millions of dollars in donations. These funds, according to data leaked from Commander X’s account, were “invested” in bricks of marijuana and smuggled across the Canadian border by Commander X himself.

McDonald’s unveils McBox technology

McDonald's has a new machine which can flip burgers faster than John Henry can drive steel.
McDonald’s has a new machine which can flip burgers faster than John Henry can drive steel.

This weekend, McDonald’s unveiled a new device which CEO Donald Thompson promised will revolutionize the fast food industry. Taking its cue from Redbox, the vending machine for movies and video game rentals, McDonald’s developed a vending machine which cooks and serves food to order. According to CEO Donald Thompson, “The McBox not only equals or betters the quality and consistency McDonald’s customers have come to expect, but it is faster and cheaper than visiting a McDonald’s staffed by humans.”

The McBox unit is about twice the size of a RedBox, but features a similar touch screen for easy ordering. Like the RedBox, the McBox will only require minimal supply and maintenance, slashing overhead for McDonald’s.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, economic theorist and famed philosopher, spoke out with stern words of warning. “Brick-and-mortar retail sales are failing because of online shopping, nearly all video rental stores have shut down in just a few years, and it now seems inevitable that the same thing will happen to fast food. The pace at which jobs are being replaced by automation has hit a critical juncture where we’re going to have to reassess not only the work ethic of our great nation, but also ideas once thought of as fundamentals to all economic theories. Perhaps we may find new value in leisure, and maybe it’s time to repay the taxpayers for their continued investment in computing technology which has allowed such leisure time. When these technologies were introduced in manufacturing, few benefited and many lost jobs. As a result, a majority of citizens now live below the poverty line working in retail and service industries, and it will not be long before those jobs go the same way as manufacturing. It will happen nearly overnight, like the closing of video rental stores, and we will be left with fewer and fewer options which are tasteful to our aging ethical sensibilities. We must remember the story of John Henry, but give up the notion that he could even compete with technology by sacrificing his life. He can’t flip burgers fast enough. Given the chance to compete with today’s technology, I believe John Henry would rather sit by and eat fish ‘o fillet sandwiches, despite his legendary work ethic.”

Julian Assange Dead at 41

Julian Assange passed from complications due to a burst bladder in the confines of the Ecuadorian Embassy.
Julian Assange passed from complications due to a burst bladder in the confines of the Ecuadorian Embassy.

LONDON — Fans mourn the loss of Julian Assange, who was found dead in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London after suffering a burst bladder.  Assange was known for “accidentally” publishing trillions of documents containing scandalous details of United States imperialist foreign policy without redaction. Authorities in London say he refused medical aid because he feared a “double-whammy execution extradition” to Sweden and then America, where he would face lethal injection for aiding and abetting terrorism.

Barack Obama held a press conference declaring victory over WikiLeaks and issued a stern warning to Ecuador. “Countries which harbor terrorists like Julian Assange are fair game for American drone strikes. Haven’t you read WikiLeaks lately?”

The last ragged remnants of Anonymous have banded together using the freedom software tool “Low Orbit Ion Cannon” to knock off the NSA supercomputer by overwhelming it with traffic. The NSA system feeds into a nuke-proof trillion terabyte hard drive underneath a mountain in the desert which will be able to store the entire traffic of the internet for the next hundred years.

Bilderberger: We’re genetically engineering our children

The power to engineer super-intelligent children has arrived, but at what cost?
The power to engineer super-intelligent children has arrived, but at what cost?

“The children’s life expectancy could be a thousand years, if everything works out as planned.”

It has long been well known that the world’s richest businessmen and most influential political leaders meet at the annual Bilderberg conference in an attempt to combat Russian and Chinese political and economic power through secret cooperation and market manipulation. However, there was a new bullet-point on the agenda this year, at least according to one anonymous mole. Bilderberg members gathered for a conversation with genetic engineers and bio-chip manufacturers who made big promises about multi-million dollar “enhancements” that may become available — in strict confidence — to family members of the Bilderberg’s constituents.

The source also went on to say that each of these babies, dubbed Homo Promethei, cost roughly one billion dollars, and that the scientists were ready to expand the program to include as many new children or clones as the Bilderberg members desired. According to our source, Bill Clinton quipped to George Bush Sr., “Finally, we have the weapon that will bring us a limitless global dominion.”

“We met with a few scientists who had been experimenting on altered human clones for the past three decades, in secret. They’d found that with a few tweaks they could produce children with different inflections of genius. One kid was a brilliant artist, another was doing calculus at the age of two, and another had talents that were hard to describe — she exercised a hypnotic kind of charisma over everyone she came in contact with. These genetically-altered geniuses also had their retinas implanted with organic LED screens, and the children coded software for these systems as if it were a part of their body. One of the scientists explained that implanting transparent organic LED screens into eyeballs doesn’t work unless you can throw a few switches in the genome and do the surgery immediately after birth. He also said they’d thrown a few other switches and that the children’s life expectancy could be a thousand years, if everything works out as planned.” ~ Anonymous


Big Government

Joe Biden
WASHINGTON–Joe Biden bargains away civil rights to defense contractors.

This government doesn’t love you. It doesn’t want to protect you.

This government wants your vote so they can fucking hurt you. They lie to you, making vague statements like you don’t fucking know better, like you don’t fucking know any big words, so they can take your shit away and put it in their bank vaults because they’re protecting their sick friends who make fucked gambles on your life savings so they can buy child prostitutes at home, and abroad.

This government, my friends, has a thousand tentacles for every smiling face, all wanting to rape you, looking you in the eyes, and telling you, “It’s okay.”

This government sends out agents to chat you up, make you feel good, like you’re better than your peers, like you’re better than the trash you write among, like you make better choices, you’re a clearer thinker, you’re a smarter breed, than those fucking criminals we know you all walk behind.

This government is your friend, your father, it makes decisions for your body, rapes you with ultrasound wands, says you can’t get married or you’ll break the broken sacred tax code used for secret murders you can not stop. This government holds you against your will, with your head in a dark bag, as it waterboards you for information you sincerely do not wish to give up. This government is worse than your abusive Big Brother of 1984.

This government is just plain old, fucking, Big.

Fascist Zune Conspiracy Exposed

The Zune Reset Management Tool has been wiped from Microsoft Servers because hackers used it to subvert Digital Rights Management (DRM) built into its devices. DRM is known by libertarian software activists as “defective by design” because Zune software removes tracks without alerting the user.

This Reset Tool was the last recourse for struggling people who owned files which had not been purchased and certified by Microsoft and their menacing Copyright overlords paying them off to code this living hell.

Now forced up against a wall and facing a prison-house of incomplete audio lectures and novels, Zune owners gnash their teeth and beat their breasts as they are denied their own files with purposefully defective software lorded over the great media serfdoms. It didn’t used to be this way, kids. Back in my day, even Microsoft made media players and not media empires. Well, them days are long gone, but some folks out there still make media players that actually work, and if’n they cain’t get their tracks to play in order at least they’re all still there and not stolen from ye by hidden software hegemons acting like computer glitches to drive you into a rage which is the penalty for your non-compliance with their evil and insane wish for total power over your every scrap of media.

Lebal Drocer’s new Media player from Your Anonymous Industries features a small color OLED display and easily-locked buttons that don’t go off with the slightest feather-like touch — and if they do it features a NEW undo button! It’ll play any goddamn file because to hell with paying off the dicks who want royalties for file conventions. We’re an open source tool for educational use only!

Rihanna Illuminati imagery sparks controversy

“When you open your mind you allow demons to take over.”

INTERNET — The April and Wayne Show has revealed the true meaning behind Rihanna’s hit pop song Diamonds, which draws heavily on biblical imagery and is indicating the path to Buddha-Consciousness with the lyrics like, “Shine bright like a diamond,” and “I knew that we would become one right away.” April and Wayne have strained to translate this Rihanna song into eastern religion because, it seems, more and more young people are becoming Buddhists and leaving their churches behind. Rihanna is only invoked to reach out to a young audience of YouTubers who accidentally click on the video hoping for music, but what they find is creepy bass strings interposed with Rihanna’s pop backing a fast-pace authoritarian voice rattling off proof that Buddha-Consciousness is, in fact, Lucifer-Consciousness. “Meditation is also emptying your mind,” and according to the video, “When you open your mind you allow demons to take over.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador Rinpochet, a living reincarnation of the Padmasambhava, said, “This video did not offend me at all, and if people are afraid of demons then they probably should not meditate.”

Jevohan D. Barnes, rap artist, fights to uphold the good name of the Illuminati in the hip-hop world.
Jevohan D. Barnes, rap artist, fights to uphold the good name of the Illuminati in the hip-hop world.

Continued interaction with aspiring hip-hop talent on Twitter reveals two camps: Pro-Illuminati and Anti-Illuminati. In hip-hop mythology the Illuminati not only control the levers of global power, but also and most importantly manage the rise and fall of famous artists. The Anti-Illuminati seem to espouse a wider range of viewpoints than the Pro-Illuminati, whose tweets are often mystical and heavily influenced by eastern spiritual traditions. One Pro-Illuminati rapper known as Jevohan D. Barnes posted a video of an ecstatic peak experience which was triggered by sight of a near hashtag formed by chemtrails a day after a much better “tic tac toe.” Anti-Illuminati artists, on the other hand, are as often xenophobic as transcendent, but it is among this camp where the most expressive social criticism and self-reliant gangsterisms are to be found in the vein of rap legend Tupac’s “Killuminati” and “Makaveli” albums.

America Heralds Permanent War

Michael Sheehan is a scum sucking war criminal
Michael Sheehan demonstrates how he holds the puppet strings.

The War became permanent Friday after senior Obama administration officials said they have “no intention” of “ever stopping” the hugely successful ‘War on Terror.’

Assistant Defense Secretary Michael Sheehan said they are “pre-emptively” calling any future administration that tries to stop the Authorization for Use of Military Force (AUMF) “treasonous” for aiding whoever the enemy is by then.

“We don’t know who in the shit we want to shoot at next, but by God I hope to hell it’s some Jihadi-ass sand people,” said Sheehan, adding, “I don’t fuck with no Russians.”

Sheehan warned against any future acts of Congress or government that dare to try and stop the permanent war before it is over.

“We have gone forward with legislation that automatically detains any leader, indefinitely, who tries to end this horrifying, successful permanent war policy,” Sheehan said.

Sheehan was stupefyingly candid with reporters Friday, saying the war has already become so profitable for his friends, it would be “a death wish” to American freedom of flow of capital into his pockets to end it too soon.

“We are hesitant to put a timetable on the War on Terror. I don’t know if terrorism is EVER gonna go away—not while it’s profitable, anyway,” said Sheehan.

Sheehan said he no longer fears retaliation from a culture he describes as being “indoctrinated” into the police state from early childhood on up.

“Your faggot kids are worse than you CNN-watching couchtards,” said Sheehan. “I mean, they’re too afraid now to even skip class, and that’s where they’re taught to join the military and become heroes like in them vidyagames they’re always playing.”

Sheehan said America’s going to have to learn to tighten its belt while all this war mongerin’ gets under way in meaningless countries like the Congo and Syria. Sheehan said he has hopes, however, that the economy can still support “a whole shitload” of profitable wars he has planned.

“We still have the whole education budget—and NASA! For fuck’s sake, do you realize how much money we are wasting on Medicare right now?” Sheehan said, looking up at the ceiling. “Good gosh-a-mighty, we could even cut back on infrastructure, and just let the whole fuckin’ place rot.”

ELFWAX affiliate unearthed after years of abuse

The following video was extracted from an archive of federal repossessions and returned the chronicle.su office late last year.

“Years of systematically abusing oneself while praying to Charles Manson leads a person to create music and imagery like this. And in one dark night, it can all disappear. With one murder, all your work can be lost forever, whether you meant to kill the guy or not.” – Ronald Reagan

The pretext for this video more or less implies that the video was released in order to meet serious market demand for distorted pornographic imagery interlaced with swastikas and pictures of world leaders being shredded apart while a man sings into a dildo-enhanced microphone. There is no turning back now. Your mind is on the drugs.

Melt the drug.

Current events protester has no idea what he’s protesting

small_whitney houston pills“Do you know what’s going on in our country?” asked 20-year-old fagatronic nimrod Dale Shelton of Roanoke, Va.

Shelton said he is fed up with the direction American politics are heading. He said the decisions being made at the top affect everyone, including children.

“They’re raping our rights,” Shelton said, “like we raped the lands of the Native American Indian Redskin Savages.”

Shelton was later discovered to be a rapist with no actual opinions about anything.

Get it together, Shelton.