The Fetishization of Systemic Whistleblowing

Blowing the whistle on a corrupt facet of systems of power is not a new phenomenon, nor is it even an effective one at that(anymore, at least). However, whistleblowing is a dirty word and dirty words lead to dirty thoughts, which ultimately lend to dirty actions. Internet bloggers and experts of opinion tout whistleblowing heroes and heroines as a selling point for their upcoming pornographic novels. Your mind must be spinning now with thoughts of tentacle porn and whatever you saw on /b/ today, but I kid you not, true believers, the truth is far more perverted than the fiction.

The truth is that whistleblowing is quite sexy. Not only is the non-word phallic at its core, but anyone versed in the art of fellatio(giving or receiving, we are equal opportunity blowers) has their loins a stirrin’ for every new article that hits the presses about Barrett Brown et. al.

Brown is certainly an interesting example. A modern day cowboy(who, in truth, couldn’t tie his shoelaces, which is why he always wore boots) and heroin chic instigator brings all the boys and girls to the yard. While however inane his ramblings were, with an aesthetic like that, how could you not love his pseudo-reporting and pure, un-fucking-adulterated whistleblowing? How pure was it really though? All he did was comb through documents that were already public and kind of report on them… which makes him even more attractive, because, well I dunno, but such mystique!

The curiously tired case of Chelsea Manning has become even more of a perverted talking heads’ wet dream than anyone could have possibly imagined. Traversing the grounds from whistleblowing on atrocities in Iraq to Adrian Lamo whistleblowing on Chelsea, all the way to whether or not we will foot the bill for Manning’s transition. Good God, what a story! Don’t you just hate that whistleblowing Adrian Lamo? Did you hear he’s fucking Barrett Brown’s ex-girlfriend? She’s probably a bad whistleblower too, although we have no evidence of that, so who cares! She’s a total babe. Besides, now that Brown is bound and, mmMMm, gagged for being naughty little boy, she can do whatever she wants. Regardless, I’m just glad to people at 9gag FOIA’d those photo’s of Manning dressed as a woman and published them just to be sure.

Oh! Now we have our wannabe whistleblowers. The Glenn Greenwilds and Jacob Appelbaums of the world, with significant others in tow, making for possible juicy love triangles… or at the very least some trivial anecdotes about their lives to moisten our panties. What happens in Der Spiegel offices, stays in Der Spiegel offices.

I could rattle off a few more names for you to get your engine running, but what’s the point? Ok, fine: Aaron Swartz. Doesn’t that just feel grand? Yet none of this matter, because it’s Miley/pseudoevent Season and this article is just one of many dominoes that needs to drop for us all to collectively blow our loads.

I’m positive that the Great Aaron Bale aka AnonForecast will be the one to push us over precipice of orgasm with his fabled “whistleblowing warhead.” Mark my words, sports fans.

 

 

oh yeah, ed snowden.

Snowden is a government shill.

Snowden was a plant. The government was behind 9/11.

 

EXPERT: “Miley Cyrus Cataclysm Imminent”

420-friendly

Miley Is Predicted To Devastate Humanity In The Coming Weeks
Miley Is Predicted To Devastate Humanity In The Coming Weeks

Miley Cyrus is rumored by the religious elite to be small enough to disintegrate in the atmosphere but experts predict Miley could vaporize so rapidly, she will explode, said MIT physicist Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, creating an electromagnetic pulse so magnificent it will remain in the sky for days, and disable communication systems throughout the southern hemisphere.

“The fumes from the event will block out all sunlight,” Dr. Troubadour said, “and poison those who inhale Miley’s microscopic remains.”

As Voyager left the edge of the Solar System August of last year, the data reported back huge flashes of probability fractals estimated by Benford’s Law to represent the dissolution of Earthly homeostasis.

It’s expected to be a major PR pseudoevent,” said Miley publicist Jake Downer. “Wait till we get those hot photographs of the bits and pieces. We’ll see every last inside – we will see every atom of her body individually. Rumor has it, pictures already hit the torrent sites.”

Teen fan Arianna Simpson waited nearly 14 hours outside the Roanoke Civic Center Friday to see Miley in concert. Arianna said she and her father watched Miley grow up.

“She does a lot more provocative things now, but she still speaks to me, in my heart,” said Arianna.

This article is part of an ongoing series known as Miley Analytics
This article is part 1 in a 1 part series called Miley Analytics

If Miley’s toxic disintegration into the atmosphere does not kill her, then her nudity-enhanced spinout into oblivion could create a miniature black hole rivaling the size and sustainability of those found in the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva.

“Really though, we just wanted to take out the kids, and let them have a good time,” said Arianna’s father Lester Simpson. “They love Hanna Montana, and God knows I sure do.”

Miley is 420 Friendly, .su

Miley Cyrus Dead after Gang Rape

Miley Cyrus Died shortly after Gang Raping Friday Afternoon.
Miley Cyrus Died shortly after Gang Raping Friday Afternoon.

HOLLYWOOD — A group of young men, unable to contain their libidinous urges after repeated sexual performances by Miley Cyrus, brutally gang raped the former child star who then died tragically from internal injuries.

Miley’s recent performance at the MTV video awards featured “twerking,” a form of simulated ‘doggy style’ sex popular with colored citizens. Miley also used a foam hand to stimulate her clitoris and the bared penis of rapper 2chainz.

A music video released to coincide with Miley’s racy MTV award performance showed the pop star completely nude and riding a giant wrecking ball. Jungian psychoanalyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador analyzed the video, saying, “The sphere of the ball suggests the feminine, yet its destructive purpose is decidedly masculine. Combined with the lyrics explicitly expressing female power over the masculine, we find yet more compelling evidence in the collective unconscious of the dawn of the age of Aquarius and the prophesied female alignment spoken of by Aaron Socio.”

When asked about the rapings, Troubador became troubled, “Repression is to be expected after a rapid change in values such as this. I am very afraid that these kind of rapings will become more common as younger and more innocent child stars begin to more publicly expose their base sexuality. It’s almost Newtonian.”

 

Syria Conflict Causing Retardation In John Kerry

John Kerry
John Kerry showed the telltale signs of retardation Friday.

Secretary of State John Kerry has descended into what experts are calling advanced mental retardation. As the increasingly complex situation in Syria continues to unfold, the former Senator appears “disheveled and dumb.”

“I’m not saying there’s any correlation,” explained The Internet Chronicle’s Chief Political Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, “but if you just look at his drooping, uneven eyes, and listen to the shit he says, he’s obviously totally retarded.”

John Kerry told Syrian President Bashar al-Assad Friday to disclose his data on chemical weapons and is arranging a plan with Russia to dispose of Assad’s chemical weapons.

“Kerry’s pitiful retardation prevents him from acknowledging the likelihood of false flag gas attacks as a measure of ousting Syria’s leadership. Because it’s either that, or he wants to help Al-Qaeda, and our government wouldn’t seriously prop up the group responsible for the Sept. 11 attacks, right?”

In other news: Italian MP says 9/11 was an inside job

Top Terror Targets Hit in Global Terror Blitz

The world's number one terror target, the 1,776 foot tall Freedom Tower, fell after terrorists carefully laced the interior structure with nanothermite.
The world’s number one terror target, the 1,776 foot tall Freedom Tower, fell after terrorists carefully laced the interior structure with nanothermite.

NEW YORK — After three consecutive weeks of the most elevated terror alert levels since 2001, synchronized attacks have nonetheless killed millions of innocent Americans on the twelfth anniversary of 9/11, bringing every major city in America to a standstill.

New York City Homeland Security Agents report hundreds of Al-Qaeda agents infiltrated the Freedom Tower construction crew and filled the core of every concrete beam with nanothermite, even as the monumental skyscraper was built. Al-Qaeda sleeper cells successfully evaded all-encompassing NSA surveillance with use of an advanced metaphor cypher which referred to nanothermite as “love” and Allah as “Jesus.” These explosives were detonated this morning, leveling the Freedom Tower before it was completed.

Other Al-Qaeda agents, who made up the majority of the janitorial staff at the Pentagon, hid nanothermite explosives in the office chairs of the highest officials of the US military, killing off the top echelons of the chain of command for the Army, Navy, Coast Guard, and Marines.

Al-Qaeda troops stormed US embassies in Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Oman, the United Arab Emirates, and Jordan, before firing Sarin gas into citizens of Tel Aviv. President Obama has been locked in a smoked-filled room in the back of the White House and is rumored to be discussing whether to use nuclear or biological weapons on Syrian and Soviet targets.

Grieving citizens around the nation, who have changed their 9/11 mantras from “Never Forget” to “Never Again,” are waving American flags and rounding up Muslims at gunpoint, ushering them into the safety of FEMA camps with the help of local and regional law enforcement agencies.

Journalist Detained at London Heathrow Airport by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Detained at London’s Heathrow Airport by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

LONDON — Veteran Internet Chronicle journalist, Vic Livingstone, was detained for 9 hours today at London’s Heathrow Airport by our parent company Lebal Drocer, Inc. His electronics were confiscated, which included his laptop, cellular flip-phone, numerous tamagotchis and 2 Xboxes.

While the exact reasoning behind his detention is unclear, we believe that it is because of his connections with the Internet Chronicle‘s ongoing earth-shattering revelations with regards to Edward Snowden’s NSA leaks. Authorities asked him a series of questions, some of which included: “Are you working with the KGB?” and numerous references to the resurgence of the USSR as a superpower.

His laptop, which had in it encrypted containers that held what he claims to be his “secret Battlestar Galactica fanfic,” were under a great deal of scrutiny. GCHQ questioned him thoroughly for the encryption key, which he did not give. However, the NSA was too smart for our colleague and cracked his password in one hour, which happened to be the entirety of chapter 7 in Philip K. Dick’s novel “Eye in the Sky.” Livingstone foolishly carried this on his person, as he is prone to having memory lapses due to the damage the targeted cell tower neuromodulation has done to him.

Disappointed that his encrypted container was indeed full of Battlestar Galactica fanfic, Lebal Drocer, Inc. had no other options but to let him go.

Livingstone is now resting safely inside a Lebal Drocer, Inc. pocket universe in a little pub on the edge of Soho to protect him from them. Lebal Drocer, Inc. published his fanfic just to spite him.

Pseudoevent Season has citizens taking cover

As pseudoevent season approaches, a new naming system for storms draws from pop culture to keep viewers interested in potential disasters. (Actual graphic from The Weather Channel)
As pseudoevent season approaches, a new naming system for storms draws from pop culture to keep viewers interested in potential disasters. (Actual graphic from The Weather Channel)

With hurricanes building to catastrophic levels off the coast of Africa and the annual 9/11 memorial terror attacks looming, it’s officially pseudoevent season. Analysts expect this year’s rapid-fire Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas, and New Year’s holidays to be “bigger than ever and full of surprises.” The terror alert level has been ritually escalated by government officials who also gave a stern warning to citizens, “Do not leave your homes unless it is necessary. Stay tuned to news reports, and stay safe. First Lady Michelle Obama will be holding a press conference this evening and may twerk for cameras after a moment of silence for those brave men and women who died a year ago in Benghazi.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, media theorist, expects more crossover pseudoevents similar to Richard Reid’s Christmas shoe-bombing. Dr. Troubador told reporters, “I’m expecting bigger pseudoevents than ever this year. We’ll probably see something unimaginable like a Thanksgiving Hurricane or a cyberbullied young girl turned Al-Qaeda suicide bomber. Personally, I’d like to see a child celebrity meltdown turn into a school shooting or Gangnam Style dance trend.”

Meteorologists, hoping to draw more attention to their reporting, are using a new naming system for hurricanes and tropical storms which appropriates names from pop culture. Spokesperson for the Storm Naming Association, Harold Harrison, says, “A recognizable name will make sure the average person has a harder time forgetting about the existence of impending chaos. Tropical Storm Miley is already making big waves both in the Atlantic and on Social Media sites like Twitter!”

Because the public craves increasingly astounding stories, Dr. Troubador tells us the pseudoevent season is becoming longer. “One day all events will be recorded on some sort of media or another and fed directly into a permanent database, shattering the very fabric of reality and ultimately destroying all possibility of freedom. The best we can hope for is an acceptable simulation of what life once was.”

America Joins Al Qaeda

A transcendental John F. Kennedy once said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.”

JFK might have been a no-good Communist sympathizer, but by God, he was right about one thing: serving your country. Besides, why do you think we had him assassinated?

The new frontier is wrought with peril – freedom-threatening, America-hating, chemically weaponized peril. But we don’t have to stand for it!

Who would have thought a man named Barack Hussein Obama would someday turn out to serve Al-Qaeda?

NOT US! But things are different. By gum, times have changed. America’s taking on a new image. No, we still don’t negotiate with terrorists; we FINANCE them! Where are our tax dollars going? Follow the money! Sign up for Al-Qaeda now, and take part in some of the most freedom-enhancing, civilian-terrorizing fun you can have with your pants off – raping countless victims!

Enlist within one hour of reading this to sign up for our Syrian Autumn event and receive premium access to maximum firepower with minimum consequences!

Join Al-Qaeda Today!

Sign up Wednesday for OUR PATRIOT DAY SPECIAL. Can’t beat ’em? Join ’em! 12 years ago tomorrow, Al-Qaeda bombed the World Trade Center, effectively castrating the American spirit of self-determination. Now, we are more reliant on Al-Qaeda for survival than ever before.

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