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Pope Francis Assassinated

Pope Francis was assassinated by an unidentified gunman after pointed statements condemning "banksters"
Pope Francis was assassinated by an unidentified gunman after pointed statements condemning “banksters”

ROME — Pope Francis, the popular new pope known for humility and outreach to the poor, was shot down by an assassin Tuesday morning as he drove his small, unarmored car to work without the protection of the celebrated Swiss Guard. People of faith around the globe mourn the senseless death of Pope Francis and search for answers. No one has taken credit for the killing, but The Vatican is working with Italian police to investigate the shooting.

Pope Francis opened new dialogue with the long estranged Eastern Orthodox Church and the Islamic faith before criticizing the financial sector for idolatry of money. However, Pope Francis remained firm on the position that members of The Freemasons were still not acceptable to the Catholic Church, in continuance with the policy of Pope Emeritus.

Just one day before the shooting, Pope Francis told reporters, “The banksters running the world’s economy do so without answering to a higher authority and are in a state of grave peril. Their constant manipulation of the news media to maintain a profitable state of never ending false crisis is diabolical. Such deception is the work of Satan.”

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Top 10 Norm Macdonald Stories Ever Told

Norm MacdonaldNorm Macdonald appeared recently on Conan O’Brien to tell the Moth joke. Not surprisingly, it made the reddit frontpage.

Norm is probably the funniest guy not on television. He was kicked off Saturday Night Live for not being funny enough (explained in a video below). Then, the show started to suck so they asked him to host it less than two years later.

He’s had a few shows get cancelled because he just doesn’t belong on TV, where everyone wants to make him do their thing. Truth is, Norm is as much a comedian as he is a storyteller. Here are some of his stories, starting with the moth joke which aired on Conan the other night.

The moth story

Norm’s Bob Uecker story

Norm makes light of Steve Irwin’s death

Norm tells a story about his dad catching him smoking weed

Norm riffs on racist remark by “Dog the Bounty Hunter” (audio)

Norm talks to Miller and Spade about George Michael getting caught having gay sex in a public bathroom

Norm tells his hypnotism story

Norm gets fired from SNL (audio)

And kicked out of NBC studios. He used to do Weekend Update, but they wanted it to suck so they fired him. Here’s Norm hosting the show less than two years later

Norm’s story about playing Scrabble with Harold Delaney from Vancouver

Norm tells the story behind legendary Bob Saget roast (audio)

Norm sums up what it’s like to write any kind of satire. This story reveals how Norm pioneered cyberbullying, the torch we carry today

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Newest Leak a “Silver Bullet” for NSA spying

The newest leak on the NSA a "silver bullet" for internet manipulation.
The newest leak on the NSA a “silver bullet” for internet manipulation.

INTERNET — Humans are entirely irrational and guided by unconscious compulsions rather than evidence, according to a new document leaked after hackers infiltrated the US Secret Psyop Command nestled within the NSA’s secrecy zone. Journalst Glenn Greenwild reported, “Now that we have evidence of how the US is exploiting our irrational unconscious minds, we’ll finally be able to stop it once and for all.”

Famed blogger Randall Tartan called for Glenn Greenwild to release more evidence, “[Greenwild] has only shown us small fragments of the evidence, abusing the same irrationality that the Psyop Command does. What we need now is more evidence than ever so that the masses can rationally understand what it is that’s being done to them without their knowledge or consent.”

Internet Activists across the world were certain that this latest leak would be the “silver bullet” creating positive social change, if and only if it could garner enough attention among reality television viewers. Professor of Ascendant Philosophy Peter Judlow told reporters, “I think we can have the change we want if this story keeps popping up in the news every day until the end of time. The slow leak method of Greenwild is phenomenal because as long as people are conscious of their unconscious minds, then they can act more rationally than ever. Sadly, Randall Tartan is wrong to believe that mere evidence can produce this effect. What’s needed is constant manipulations and careful control of the evidence so it is framed in a way that is maximally frightening, triggering unconscious fears and irrational compulsions which will cause Reality TV viewers to continue reading Greenwild’s reports. I do believe this particular leak to be the final silver bullet for freedom.”