Molly Crabapple Feeds The Trolls

Molly Crabapple's latest painting, OpPornPixie
Molly Crabapple’s latest painting, OpPornPixie

INTERENT — Molly Crabapple, artist and blogger known for her commentary about how the world’s messed up, tweeted Friday about her latest painting entitled OpPornPixie. At the center of the operation is a highly stylized and glamorous self-portrait overlaid with a bloodspatter of the kind of abusive comments the artist receives as a consequence of being a hip public figure and advocate for women, sex workers, and justice for the persecuted and powerless.

The cloud of hate is punctuated at her neck with a question mark. The only upside-down words, “Despicable Creature,” (perhaps the work’s true title?) are stylized with the artist’s trademark font rather than the bloodspatter of the hateful comments. Is this text a self-inflicted wound?

Some of the abusive text cuts across her face, adorns her hair, or seems to become a part of her face, lining her eyebrows and even standing in for eyelashes. In one photo, the artist poses for a “selfie” in front of the self portrait, the artist’s vengeful glance at the camera contrasting with the subtly saddened face in the enormous painting behind her.

The social media performance that accompanies the painting, Op[eration]PornPixie, is possibly just beginning, but so far it aligns with the vengeful glance of the artist in the selfie — it has made the abusers mad. Crabapple has retweeted a handful of criticism directed at the work. One critic said, “Very self serving and self indulgent. Its all about you flower,” and another said, “Stop oppressing people by crowdsourcing free insults. Insulters deserve fair wages for their digital labor.”

It is perilous to speak of an artist’s intent, but Crabapple opens this discussion on Twitter, saying, “I’m not making this piece because I feel threatened or scared of internet fuckery. I do think it should be visible, preserved. Some is lulz.” And the painting does provide that kind of reportage, although maybe the lulz are hiding in the words that are not legible. However, it is important to consider the context of Crabapple’s advocacy journalism and the temporary surge of attention violence against women is receiving in the wake of the Isla Vista shootings. Crabapple is, as always, ready with brush in hand to paint the sensational and oh-so-conscious trend of the week. This gigantic self-portrait, spattered with violent words that have wounded the noble advocate for women’s rights depicts (or covers over?) a bloodier, self-inflicted wound instantly recognizable to any popular artist: A “despicable creature” defined by the audience and its expectations, painting what’s trending on Twitter.

Pro-life scientist clones thousands of "aborted" babies

Babies that were once aborted are getting a second chance, thanks to breakthroughs in robotics and industrialized human cloning.
Babies that were once aborted are getting a second chance, thanks to breakthroughs in robotics and industrialized human cloning.

WISCONSIN — Scientist, Polymath, and newly recognized Saint of the Divinity Megachurch Consortium Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador proudly announced, “Thanks be to the grace of God and the miracles of modern science, that today a thousand babies, once aborted by mothers, were saved.”

Through an underground network of dissident health industry workers, the DNA of every American child aborted in a licensed facility has been collected, cataloged, and preserved. For decades, the problem of cloning this database of nameless children has been solved, but breakthroughs in rapid prototyping, robotics, chemical synthesis, and virtual reality have allowed for the final steps of the subversive pro-life scientist’s crusade against abortion.

Dr. Troubador said, at a raucous press release, “We’ve been able to clone children since the 90’s, and I predicted it would be only another two decades until we could automate the raising of a child and provide for their material needs entirely in the dumpster biosphere. It wasn’t hard. We took out their DNA – from the trash bins behind Satan’s clinics – and plugged it into a computer,” Troubadour said.

Dr. Troubador has been able to quickly produce thousands of prototype incubators, which auto-install into most standard dumpsters and run entirely off of solar energy. The incubators have a robotic unit that will sort edible materials out of the trash for the babies, as the babies are entertained by a never ending stream of church propaganda, Fox News, and bible study.

Dr. Troubador wrote of some risks while in the early stages of his project and still in the stage of collecting DNA from aborted fetuses back in the 80’s, “There is a small risk that the purifying food re-synthesis unit will fail because of overly toxic trash, robotic failure, or a lack of biomaterials or moisture in the dumpster. However, I’ve calculated that only a handful of these babies will die this way, and that we’ll at the same time successfully bring back potentially millions of aborted babies with this technology. If some die, they can always be cloned again.”

Tammy Faulkland, 34, said she was shocked to discover with her aborted child who had been extracted, as DNA, from a Planned Parenthood dumpster more than five years ago.

“The baby was a-layin’ there in the dumpster watchin’ a screen like that man in A Clockwork Orange, just absorbing all that religious hate,” Faulkland said. “I just about didn’t recognize him, in his little box in there. Son of a bitch looked just like his daddy, but in a clean little box instead of him covered in piss and used condoms.”

Faulkland said she did not ask for her child back, but by miracle of God and science, he appeared.
“It’s a lot like the story of Jesus,” she said. “He was gone one day, and then later on he’s back, like a zombie, except he wants everybody to think and believe just like Him in perfect uniformity.”

Dr. Troubadour’s incubators are indistinguishable from traditional dumpsters. From the outside, they are green, blue, black; some have lids, and some do not; through neoliberal powerhousehouse Lebal Drocer, Inc., they are much more.

“The likelihood of you throwing a baby or fetus into a 3D-printed Lebal Drocer-brand Refuse-Reuse-Reanimation Facility is upwards of 99 percent,” Troubadour said. “If you throw a baby or a fetus, or a dead cat – or anything – into one of our mass-produced facilities, there is a good chance it will come back as a pro-life freedom fighter.”

Already, churches aligned with Dr. Troubador’s project are urging their congregations to “throw away more food” to feed the aborted children being raised in dumpsters. This Sunday, Pastor Mel Frederickson addressed his megachurch congregation, saying, “Today is a day like none other, because today I can announce that every child ever aborted is going to be brought back to life by Saint Troubador! Through God’s Grace the leftovers of society, thrown out because of Satan’s planned parents, are going to eat on our leftovers. But thousands of babies, brought back to life in every county, town, and city means there are going to be a lot of needy, and the church needs to take them under our wing. Give more to the trash. It’s as simple as that.”

Corporate troughs like Burger King, McDonald’s and KFC have instituted strict “pro-waste” policies, insisting on permanent termination of any employee caught using expired food at home, or donating stale bread to soup kitchens. Representatives from Chic-Fil-A said they now throw away half of every food order, to save America’s godless unborn.

At a Chik-Fil-A in the Clarksville Mall, manager Strom Stormerson announced that every Sunday, his Chik-Fil-A franchise will be serving free chicken sandwiches, limit one per customer, but he hopes customers will chip in and buy at least two orders of filling, delicious waffle fries.

“The secular left who thinks the world owes them a hand-out finally has one,” Stormerson said. “Here’s your fuckin’ handout, faggots: How about a free chicken sandwich that some unappreciative high school kids will order – just so they can throw it out – and feed our blessed child army.”

New OsamaCoin cryptocurrency overtakes Bitcoin

The OsamaCoin is the world's fastest growing cryptocurrency designed for financing terror operations.
The OsamaCoin is the world’s fastest growing cryptocurrency designed for financing terror operations.

INERNET — The New OsamaCoin cryptocurrency, a digital commodity much like bitcoin, has reached a total market value of $10 trillion overnight as investors in Dubai learned of its existence through a viral buzzfeed blog post entitled OsamaCoins, the new cryptocurrency for funding global Islamic Terror.

Dr. Angmid H. Truhmed, of the Cairo Institute for Technology and also Muslim Brotherhood Computer Terrorist, designed the OsamaCoin, and said of it, “OsamaCoins are the world’s greatest answer to Christian and Jewish hegemony, which has for so long suppressed Sharia law. I have named the coin after the great financier of Jihad, Osama Bin Laden. Allah Akbar!”

OsamaCoin has gained traction in the often misunderstood human trafficking and black markets. The latest of these, Silk Road 4, openly features Islamic iconography on its home page. Khaled Ahmedineshan said he uses the OsamaCoin to convert USD acquired through the CIA into Egyptian fiat. “With just 36 of your dollars, I can purchase many brides,” Khaled said. “I am staging the stoning of my third wife this Sunday, to make room for a fourth.”

The US Government, too, has its hands in OsamaCoins — and for good reason. CIA Director John Brennan said financing secret wars has never been easier. “Before we knew about the OsamaCoin, for example, we had to pay operatives with actual U.S. dollars,” Brennan said. “On the books in the 1980s, that didn’t look so good. But now what we do is convert our plummeting currency into the new gold standard of underground commerce: the OsamaCoin. It’s what operatives expect to be paid in, and we’ve doubled our money on the investment already. That means twice as many secret wars.”

Legal Islamic goods can also be purchased with OsamaCoins on The Oasis, a shopping site where tens of thousands of Burkas, or Islamic veils for women, have already been sold. The Oasis also sells Persian Rugs, Hookahs, and Dokha — a technically legal version of tobacco that is so strong teens use it to get stoned. Iran also transacted its first sale of domestic oil to a foreign party, in violation of sanctions, thanks entirely to the clever use of OsamaCoin – establishing the cryptocurrency as a dual-purpose mission statement of economic freedom and political power.

Barack Obama's Top 5 Favorite Violent Videogames

Portrait of a killer: What drove Barack Obama to senseless murder?

Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2
Brought to you patriotically by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

‘Sup fellas! Six years into President Barack Obama’s indefinite rule, ‘the drone strike madman’ recently executed a series high-profile civilian murders referred to by analysts as “the Columbine of the Middle East.” Needless to say, Barry’s got a few of us here at the Chronicle wondering, “Dude, what did those weddings ever do to you?”

I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Trubadeur, and I have a Ph.D in child psychology. I have been watching Barack Obama for warning signs of a troubled childhood, and I am sad to report our “P” is extremely disturbed as a result of exposure to hyperviolent videogames.

For more than 30 years, I have studied the effects on violent videogames on children like Barry. I have published studies in Nature, New Scientist and The Internet Chronicle explaining how and why videogames negatively affect people’s behavior; how it affects their minds; how it affects their worldview; and in this case, how violent videogames led to the most unrelenting series of terrorist attacks ever conducted in human history.

As part of a crack team of Chronicle researchers, we are all searching for an answer to the same question: Why you gotta kill so many innocent people, Barry?

Modern Warfare 2

Former Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said Modern Warfare 2 would trigger “anger blackouts” in Barack and he became inconsolable until an innocent victim died in a simulated explosion.

“Barry used to play that predator drone mission over and over again,” Rumsfeld said. “We thought nothing of it, at the time. But little did we know, Barack Obama would go on to be even more evil – and less human – than I am.”

You can still see his eyes flicker every so often, as Barry reminds himself and others to ‘stay frosty.’

Tropico 4

Former Chief of Staff Angel Hyatt said Obama used to sit in his office at ACORN all day, deliberating with Penultimo over whether to pay the USSR immediately, or in bi-annual installments.

“You could tell he really wanted to become a hardline dictator someday,” Hyatt said. “Videogames allowed him to do that in a safe environment. Now that he’s president, who knows what dormant perversions lie in wait.”

Hyatt added that Barry’s success at Tropico was owed to the early issue of the Wiretapping and Secret Police edicts, available after appointing a Minister of Defense. “No uprisings here!” Barry gleefully announced.

“I’m looking at Obama for a fourth term,” Hyatt said. “He seems to enjoy the human bed.”

Coke Fiend 3

"hot coffee" in the face
This is the first Coke Fiend to feature a secret spousal abuse mini-game.

Barry loved every aspect of drug dealing: the profiteering, the exploitation, drug abuse – you name it. It certainly explains a lot about all the guns the CIA runs through Mexico.

His affinity for Coke Fiend 3 was more of a byproduct of an existing history of powermongering. There is little evidence to suggest the Coke Fiend game series led to an increase in Obama’s drug crimes, but Barry was encouraged to commit racist hate crimes against Haitian ‘marks’ that he still can not talk about today without flying into a celebrated “blind rage mode.”

Both parents admitted he was never the same after playing this MA-17 Rated game.

Benghazi Cover-Up Simulator 2014

Your main character powers up when FOX News discredits a legitimate search for answers by participating in it.

Barry may have hardened his icy demeanor – and cold, unchanging gaze – by advancing a virtual political agenda in this gross negligence simulator.

Barry got the multiplayer expansion during a Steam Summer Sale and invited Sec. of State Hillary Clinton to play the game with him. During that time, they developed a perverse, destructive relationship at the center of an ever-expanding web of lies.

The two have entered into a suicide pact.

EVE Online

Nothing else could explain Barry’s insatiable lust for power and corporate servitude than his bottomless addiction to EVE Online.

Thousands of hours of dedication to this space-capitalism MMO may have put Barry – and our nation – on a direct path to unchecked neoliberalism. EVE Online is a libertarian hellscape beyond the imagination of anything Ayn Rand could have ever invented.

Hyatt said Barry came out of the experience with a new vision: To turn America into a new center of commerce, in which millions – perhaps hundreds of millions – could participate voluntarily in their own enslavement.

With the illusion of choice and control, Barry sustains corporate livelihood with an economic model no other country can live up to: unregulated industrialization of covert prisons and warfare, fed by increasing the necessity of war itself.

Without EVE Online and the addictive hyperviolence of Coke Fiend 3, America’s 44th president might have been a man of the people. But as a result of overexposure to gruesome, sexual imagery he is neither man, nor person.

CIA Vaccine Cures World of Terror

The CIA has immunized the globe from dangerous terrorist genes "for centuries to come"
The CIA has immunized the globe from dangerous terrorist genes “for centuries to come”

INTERNET — The CIA’s secret terror vaccine program, used to preemptively punish foreigners with “terror markers” in their genome, ended today even as it successfully brought peace to areas of Pakistan, Afghanistan, and beyond.

By analyzing the genomes of billions and isolating a few terror markers which predisposed nine out of ten patients in clinical trials to “fundamentalism, violence, and ideological dissatisfaction with arbitrary governance or imperialism,” immunologists at the CIA were able to target and neutralize seemingly innocent children and even potential marriages which, according to science, would have led to millions of terrorism-related deaths.

CIA terror immunologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “It’s good that this information is coming out, and we can say openly the United States was not simply dropping bombs on random weddings in Pakistan and Afghanistan. These marriages would have surely lead to dangerous genetic combinations which would, according to sound science, breed killers and terrorists and potentially lead to the death of billions.”

Dr. Troubador, beaming in light of his success, said, “Terror is a global illness, an infection that spreads as a mind-virus to those who are predisposed to it. Through targeting certain genes common in the Middle East and eradicating weddings full of people who carry these terror markers, we’ve essentially immunized the human colony from terrorism for centuries to come.”

This announcement comes just one day before the opening of the 9/11 Memorial Museum at the site of Ground Zero. The 9/11 Memorial Museum, which houses thousands of unidentified body parts, is sponsored by Citibank and Cisco and its $65 million yearly bill will be paid for, in part, by light-blue 9/11 branded merchandise available to visitors at the 9/11 gift shop.

American Spring militias Occupy White House

An emergency escape helicopter approaches the White House Friday morning as militias assemble at the gates
An emergency escape helicopter approaches the White House Friday morning as militias assemble at the gates

INTERNET — President Obama and staff fled to a secret location Friday afternoon utilizing escape tunnels and helicopters as armed American Spring militia men surrounded the White House.

American Spring militias now Occupy the White House and plan to hold a press conference within the hour, at which point analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador expects documents will be handed over to Congress demanding an end to Obamacare and massive revisions of the constitution.

Troubador speculated on possible outcomes of the new government and which leaders might rise to power, saying, “Jamie Jo Corne will likely worm her way into power, somehow, even if it takes decades of calculation and deception. Sure, she may not be a big name in the American Spring movement at the moment, but that’s to her advantage in the long run. Until then, she’ll continue to suckle at General Lee’s side, exercising her influence through him and swaying him more and more towards her racist agenda of deportation and holocaust.”

Bill could be chanted into law

tea-party-protest-signs-washington-031610-lgA mob of civil rights activists could change the way a bill becomes law Friday by repetitively chanting slogans.

If enough protesters chant “Nobama,” a key piece of legislation is likely to bypass Congressional oversight to become the first law in American history to be introduced by mob rule.

The Washington Bull Party will combine hateful Tea Party slogans with stubborn resolve to collapse the free market and shut down American ports, Bull Party Leader Jamie Jo Corne said in a YouTube video.

“I’m going to Washington, and I’m going to fuckin’ throw my sign in their FACE,” Corne said. “I want them fuckin’ ports closed down. You wanna hurt ’em? Go for their god damn jugular. Don’t bitch kick ’em.”

Corne accused viewers of being “pussified non-Americans” and said they are just as bad as those illegal immigrants taking over the United States, raping citizens.

Also called the “American Spring,” event planners said the demonstration is going to be a real barn-burner. If laws change at the whim of mob rule, then America will take one giant leap toward a greater Democracy.

A Metamodernist on Psychdelics

INTERNET — Metamodernism is an ism. Ism’s are important, as they help us define our daily behaviors, creations and artistic expressions. Yep, they’re importante. Why though, you don’t ask? Well, I’ll tell you: we have a need to classify and quantify our emotions and creative endeavors into a ‘sandbox’. This ‘sandbox’ can be escaped, yet we have to forget all notions of ism’s. Lofty feat, most say.

Esteemed colleague and fellow Internet Chronicle writer espouses his theory of  ism’s to me via Google Chats. I’m too lazy to post the whole log because I’m prescribing to a certain ism at the moment, but essentially his basic viewpoint was “Make something, call it art, label it a part of an ism, nice shiny business suit” — fuck, sorry Kilgoar, I totally botched that quote, but hey man, great coat-jacket.

If this isn’t a trademarked ideological symbol yet, let’s get ON that shit!

Screen left – Enter psychedelia – Yes hello, psychedelics here, we’ve heard of your oscillations and we’d like to confirm and deny your general thesis. Although, Shia Labeouf is right on the money… fuck I love money… anyway, ONWARD!

We want to know metamoderinism. I need it in my life, much like I need the Lord Jesus Christ, amen. I do believe they are one in the same. The oscillations of metamoderinism are simply vibrations, which is a theory as old as some fucking philosopher. We vibrate at a certain frequency, this is true. Some call it the “Vibration of Life”, those people are faggots and are most definitely Phish fans. This metamodern oscillation theory, however, produces many a stout question we must ask ourselves: “Are we truly this awesome?”

The answer is still yet to be determined, but after consulting Internet experts at the’s way-back machine pages of the fark message board, we can only begin to grasp the origins of metamodernist culture. Within these hallowed halls of truly lulzy past, reveal a dark underbelly — if not an intentional plot– to thrust the metmodernist meme upon a youth already devoid of post-modernism, a scene without a label… perhaps better left that way.

NAY! There’s no time for pussy-footin’ round these times when it comes to art! Qualify and quantify, stick it in your local sink-hole of a DYI venue and make sure to make fliers — pamphlets even — because that worked before, but this will work better[reasons]. As fledgling psych, philosophy and English makers we had to take it a step further to truly understand the chaos, the oscillations, the correction of errors due.

This time around, we got’em, boss… we got’em.

We took acid that night.


You know what, I have my life and you have yours, don’t fucking tread on me, ok mom?


Ukrainian Military Seizes Moscow

Fascist Ukrainian zealots storm Moscow
Fascist Ukrainian zealots storm Moscow

INTERNET — Ukrainian fascists and their newly conscripted military marched on Russia Friday, taking both Moscow and St. Petersburg in an overnight “blitzkrieg” mobile infantry offensive. Millions are dead after preliminary warning nukes were detonated in low population density areas in the United States, Europe, Central Asia, Australia, and Siberia.

The American’s Nazi puppets in Kiev were aided by plausibly deniable drone strikes, but Putin, who has disappeared, threatened to level Kiev with “as many nuclear strikes as it might take,” and appeared shirtless, in front of a slowly waving a Soviet flag.

The UN has suggested citizens of the world dig themselves a “nuclear proof” foxhole at least ten feet underground and flee in the event of a detonation. The holes do not provide any protection unless citizens are deep within at the moment of detonation.

Climatologist Dr. Angsthrum H. Truebador said, “If we weren’t doomed to a slow population decline from carbon emissions, well now it looks like it will be a severe and possibly fatal crash. The few who survive will have scant memory of humanities’ great technological achievements. Thank God.”