ISIS Emirate declares Sharia law in Ferguson

Emir Malcom Muhammhed, who claims to be a representative for the ISIS Caliphate, declared sovereignty over a Ferguson "Black Zone" and instituted Sharia Law.
Emir Malcom Muhammhed, who claims to be a representative for the ISIS Caliphate, declared sovereignty over a Ferguson “Black Zone” and instituted Sharia Law.

INTERNET — Rather than hitching a ride to war-torn Syria, many Americans have joined ISIS to carry out “peaceful” operations inside the United States. Thousands of members of ISIS converged on Ferguson, Missouri, to capitalize on the racial tensions and have set up a “Black Zone” of sovereignty based on Sharia law. Emir Malcom Muhammed fired an AK-47 into the sky without fear of police and said, “No white man can enter the Black Zone except as humiliated second-class citizens, just as our brothers and sisters could not step foot in the Green Zone in Babylon. Saddam did nothing wrong when he gassed the foul Kurds. Every day the hand of Allah beats back their army of whores! Allahu Akhbar!” Emir Malcom then engaged full auto and emptied his clip into the air.

The government has mustered incredible control over both the news media and social media so as to effectively suppress knowledge of the Islamic revolutionary activities taking place in ISIS-controlled Ferguson. However, the tendrils of ISIS propaganda have nonetheless reached into thousands of segregated black high schools across the nation, which now teach that Christopher Columbus and the Vikings could not have possibly reached America first because the Islamic Caliphate conquered huge swaths of America as early as 993 AD. Dr. Angstrom Troubador, Lead Historian of the American Tradition institute, declined to offer any solid narrative that would justify the American government’s military attacks on Ferguson, but said, “I am terrified. It is as if the education system, the government system, the police, the military, it is all a structure built of something that has been hollowed out for years by termites, and now it’s caving in and revealing an entirely new reality, a new Islamic American Emirate is appearing in black communities everywhere. In just a few short months, riots have turned into terrorism and then into a nascent nation state.”


Dark Hollow Imperial Stout by Blue Mountain Barrel House

This Beer is not adequately described by a scale of 1 to 10.
This Beer is not adequately described by a scale of 1 to 10.

BEER REVIEW — Removing the cork all at once, in a romantic gesture of pretending I know the right way to open a beer, I smile. The imperial stout is currently 46 degrees, as I left the beer out in the car on a warm November evening. As the bubbles extended slowly through the neck, they formed an astonishing and perfect hexagonal grid pattern. It was around 5 minutes before, placed to the side of a 13 watt light bulb, the mountain of pillowy bubbles rolled the head of its segmented worm body over the lip of the bottle. When the beer snail’s ooze trail dripped down its glass shell and permanently stained the unfinished plywood desk, it was obviously time to pour.

I poured a small amount recklessly. A satisfying black, reddish liquid reminiscent of motor oil filled only half of the cup, topped by an equally thick band of a loose foam, the same bubbles that were once arranged in a perfectly crystalline pattern. I looked closely in the bubbles for the hexagonal pattern again, and successfully envision the shape of the pattern after being jostled by the vigorous pour. There were bands of bubbles of different sizes swirled around like fudge melted into ice cream, and upon imbibing the effect was extraordinary. It was as if I was drinking a nitrogen infused beer mixed with a carbon dioxide infused beer.

Thinking of the flavor, I flashed on fruitcakes: wet, dense dark cakes packed full of overwhelmingly flavorful dried fruits. People seem to be very divided about fruitcakes, but I am on the side that regards them as a rare and wonderful delicacy for year-round consumption, not just on holidays.

I’ve had half the bottle, or nearly half the bottle. I read the advertising yarns on the front and back and at the same time I find that it’s 10% alcohol by volume, I realize the drunkenness is taking effect. I’m about to play an ancient multi-user dungeon text-based online video game and become engaged in dangerous deals where I can suffer a kind of microdeath, wasting weeks of effort. I will need my wits about me. The logo couldn’t be more perfect, evoking an image that any of the millions of regular Virginian folks riding west into the great beyond will recognize: Afton Mountain, the gateway to savagery. Roanoke, now there’s the “big apple” of the region, a nexus of healthcare facilities that turned green and grew in a big way once Obama waved his magic money wand. It used to be a kind of railroad slaveyard, but now things are looking up again. The rural Virginians funneling into Roanoke for their poverty-induced sicknesses have been left out of the free money Federal health dole by state level constipation of liberty. Their best option is to defy the Federal Law by not purchasing healthcare, because they will not have to pay the fine due to Virginia’s defiant malice towards the poor. I remember when I learned that I would not be fined, only after paying for the Obamacare. This beer has indeed taken me down a Dark Holler. The Dark Holler of Virginia’s back yard. And it ain’t any different than West Virginia, we just make fun of ’em because they don’t have the throbbing mechanical heart like we have in Northern Virginia, the world’s most concentrated dystopian suburban hellscape. And we’re damn proud of it. Especially out here past that gateway perfectly encapsulated in that logo. Virginia is a house divided. All of that, in a logo. Just Incredible.

Negro uprising suppressed by Homeland Security

Mainstream Media broadcast images of riots in Negro Ghettoes accompanied by the auctioneer-like intoning of disembodied voices.
Mainstream Media broadcast images of riots in Negro Ghettoes accompanied by the auctioneer-like intoning of disembodied voices.

FERGUSON — Supporters of Mike Brown, the Young Negro shot down by the brave officer Darren Wilson, flooded into the streets in dismay after no charges were filed against the murderous officer by the secretive grand jury. On both sides of the Atlantic and in Ferguson, armored vehicles filled with proud White police soldiers opened and released their wrath upon the Negro ghettos, suppressing the outbreak of violence and anarchy with “less than lethal” weaponry.

One outraged negro man was seen scolding an assault-rifle toting trooper, telling him, “Go fight ISIS! We ain’t got no weapons.” Shouts of, “You no better than ISIS, you no better than Hitler,” were heard, streamed to hundreds of thousands of astounded people connected to the Internet. An angry mob set fire to a police cruiser in Ferguson as heavily-armored proud white men behind a shield wall fired tear gas into their midst.

Moments before a round of teargas canisters were launched out of an armored personnel carrier parked beneath a neon “SEASON’S GREETINGS” banner installed in the ghetto by the all-white local government, one particularly intelligent Negro pontificated, “White people just don’t get it. They think everything the police do is right. They’ll never get it, not until they get black skin, brown skin.”


Bill Cosby
Bill Cosby
Several women had come forward with allegations against Bill Cosby of gross sexual misconduct.

BILL COSBY — Pain and anguish struck the hearts of millions of fans, Sunday, after news broke of comedian Bill Cosby’s suicide at the age of 77. A rash of sex assault allegations plagued America’s favorite Black comedian earlier this week, and experts from the Hollywood Psychological Network say the 80s sitcom star’s suicide confirms his guilt.

 “It really is tragic, because Bill Cosby was such a well-liked figure in the entertainment industry,” said Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, resident expert of the HPN. “It is a shame the way Mr. Cosby’s reputation has been ravaged by sexual misconduct.”
Some fans don’t agree at all with Dr. Troubador, and want to remember Cosby just for his entertainment without judging his personal life. Serena Plowman said, “We should remember him for the laughs he brought to us, not for the unproven allegations of embittered ex-girlfriends.”
Users of the Red Pill subreddit also defended the icon on his memorial page Sunday, some claiming they identified with his unfortunate image in the press. “Red Pillers” are so-called men’s rights activists known for their ability to filter reality through a profoundly misogynistic interpretive lens.
“I’ve spun a few plates in my day,” wrote Sean Brown, 27, from Los Angeles. “Hate the sport, not the player. I know for a fact that anything can be turned into an allegation of rape by the Feminist bluepillers in control of the media. They just want to take every man down a notch, silence all of us. Bill Cosby did nothing wrong.”
A candlelight vigil for the fallen star is being held in front of Cosby’s $400 million estate Monday night. His family has requested the media respect their privacy while they grieve and distribute inheritance.
The method of suicide is not yet known. The actor did not leave a note.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu Dead at 65

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu passed away suddenly, Sunday evening
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu passed away suddenly, Sunday evening

REVELATIONS — Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel, died suddenly Sunday evening after suffering a heart attack in his home. He was 65 years old and will be deeply missed by prominent bankers and comedians. His entire estate of over twenty million dollars was disbursed to the Anti-Defamation League and will go towards building a holocaust theme park in the heart of Tel Aviv.

Netanyahu’s fabulous wealth will also go towards demolishing the Muslim holy site at the Dome of the Rock and aid in the rebuilding of the most holy Jewish temple, from which God’s prayers are thousands of times more effective than any other place in the universe. This move will usher in the biblical endtimes by securing Israel’s final lock on global power, and experts in all three Abrahamic religions believe that a new messiah and possibly anti-messiah will appear at any moment and possibly destabilize even the gold market.

Lebal Drocer Denies Wrongdoing in Latest Scandal

The will never die
The will never die

SLAVEYARD — Lebal Drocer, indicted for what one Judge called, “laying down with the dogs and getting the fleas,” fired back at Europol after they seized Lebal Drocer Publishing’s heavily-guarded mainframe installation in Belgium, or possibly Germany.

Lebal Drocer’s Chief Marketing Officer Barry B. Poundheaven told reporters, “This was an unadorned form of harassment directed at the people’s final source for truth, knocking the Internet Chronicle offline for mere moments but taking a profound strike at liberty over all of spacetime.”

Laughing, Poundheaven dismissed the seriousness of the situation, saying, “Yes, we were in the wrong place at the wrong time during the world’s biggest police operation, but it was no more serious than the usual constant attacks we receive from hateful, patriotic or anarchocapitalist hackers. Only a fool would be surprised that the Marxist Eurofeds would take this opportunity to hassle the world’s most glorious corporation.” officers were nowhere to be found during the site seizure, but hatesec approached kilgoar on several occasions asking him to setup PGP encryption so the underground editors could communicate freely.

“He emailed me twice,” kilgoar said, “but I was busy with a lot of stuff and with all the media requests we receive at, it can be hard to tell the difference between a real OP and a psy-OP.”

Kilgoar said it was at that time the Lebal Drocer, Inc. CEO wrote him, again, requesting the two communicate securely.

“He said he was Anonymous,” kilgoar explained. “He said he was legion.”

Hatesec, a known corporate apologist, told kilgoar that Lebal Drocer was not to blame for the Chronicle outage.

“He said Lebal Drocer is invincible,” kilgoar said. “He threatened to dox me if I said anything otherwise.”

The Internet Chronicle will never die.

Vladimir Putin says Russia will have low-cost Fusion reactors by 2021

As it turns out, Putin's sophisticated gambit into Ukraine may soon be backed by something much more powerful than nuclear weapons.
Putin’s sophisticated gambit into Ukraine may soon be backed by something much more powerful than nuclear weapons.

MOSCOW — At the G20 meeting Friday evening, Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin announced a huge leap in technology that will provide clean, low cost fusion energy without the use of any fossil fuels whatsoever. Putin addressed the world summit, saying, “The Russian state is fully backing the mass production of fusion reactors, having successfully tested several generations of prototypes. We will be shipping a production model to our allies in China starting in 2021 for a low, low price, although this peaceful technology is too dangerous to hand over to the aggressive NATO coalition.

Some who saw Putin’s fierce moves into Ukraine as irrational or hamhanded have had to reset their assumptions about what Russia’s military may soon be capable of in light of the announcement technology that seems to far surpass anything possessed by the United States or other advanced nations. Expert geotechnologist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, told reporters, “The circle is complete. The United States will continue its inevitable fall to the status of second world and possibly even third world, while the glorious ascendant Soviet Eurasian Union moves forward with technology that will complete the colonization of the solar system. We always knew communism was the right choice, for the long run.”