INTERNET — The infotainment youtube program Juice Rap News released a promotional video for the cryptographic distributed network Tor which is developed and continuously funded by a front group set up by the US military.
Investigations showing the purpose and intent of the military’s “cloaking device” is readily available online, yet defenders of Tor claim that its sources of funding, localities of deployment, and various groups which regularly use the cryptography in rebellion are an entirely apolitical matter due to tight and secure technical achievement bound only by the laws of mathematics. Such egregious and completely bald lies were gobbled up by the uninterested and unsuspecting dupes at Juice Rap News and repackaged in a confused reference to a literary work that has shown them to be illiterate as well as irresponsible.
Their character George Torwell, based on the famed novelist of 1984, admitted by a slip of irony that the often-denied geopolitical ambitions motivating the creation and continual funding of the Tor project are not a Pollyanna game of activist grabass when he said without irony that “Tor is peace,” in the place of Orwell’s ironic “War is peace.”
However, the Internet maniacs are likely to see this draining of irony from Orwell’s great warning of the lingual tricks of ideology as a clever and cool piece of infotainment and maybe they’ll even make a donation to take the burden off of the Pentagon’s budget.
To borrow the shittiest, most overused image in literature for a moment, let’s pretend like what I do next is original.
Original thoughts come rarely, as rarely as life itself. Everywhere you look is a bright world of color and hatred. A beautiful, blissful carving at the base of a jutting cliff from the mountain of shit. But that isn’t original. The dark path goes past the scenic abuse of our masochistic temporal wastelands and traces a river of regret-soaked vomit poured from a half-liter of a blue-eyed, blonde bottle of vodka. There’s a downtown apartment overlooking the dark path right now. Inside, two sweaty shadows have sex in July, with the windows and doors open to the boulevard below.
How the sucking maw with black holes for eyes pulled its prey inward, so too does the entrance to the dark path. A whirlpool of originality, spewing unseen colors, unheard-of ranges of vibrations and sound, the dark path catches the eye. It inflames every sense, violent with color, promising poison.
Hatred and ignorance fuel the torch that illuminates the caverns of their being. To learn more about the other so as not to destroy, but consume, an orange glow pours in from the ancient streetlamps – just enough – just enough to see fear. They burn like pines in a flame in a nation of heat.
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“Hot, hot hate alone will not warm the oceans,” warned Dr. Languish H. Brightsun, lead researcher for an independent, state-sponsored studdy by Governor Snyder. Brightsun spoke on condition of payment in their neighborhood of 24 cases of pure, clean bottled water. Brightsun said the results show global warming is good for people, and great for profits. “Having secured independent funding from Lebal Drocer, I now have a promising future in manipulating statistics for years to come, at any human cost.”
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INTERNET — Julian Assange, speaking by teleconference at a press release detaling WikiLeak’s newest hacked documents, said “ISIS, Russia, and China will be reduced to a sea of glass by Christmas.”
Assange spoke before a map of the world with small nuclear detonations placed over potential target zones, “Our source in the Pentagon has provided proof that the US contravened nuclear non-proliferation treaties for decades in the development of so-called ‘clean’ nuclear weapons that minimize fallout and will not cause a nuclear winter.”
With a single tear streaming down his left cheek, the usually emotionless Assange’s voice wavered, “The US generals are very sure of their missile defense systems and hope to strike a final blow to secure total and perpetual geopolitical domination.”
Referring to the map like a forecaster of nuclear apocalypse, Assange pointed out the regions that would be hit by nuclear weapons, “The exact locations of the detonations can be found on the WikiLeaks website but there is no hope in protesting. If you’re in an area where the bombs will fall, seek shelter or flee immediately.”
Molly Crabapple’s new book “Drawing Blood” sat on the furniture in front of Assange, glowing, and he read several fateful lines from its pages, “The final moment, when one single man attains permanent power over the entire planet falls upon this one huddled, drone-swarmed Syrian woman sheltering infinite children, mere futility in the face of the radiation dawn of the Pax Americana.”
Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm. Lisa: That’s specious reasoning, Dad. Homer: Thank you, dear. Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away. Homer: Oh, how does it work? Lisa: It doesn’t work. Homer: Uh-huh. Lisa: It’s just a stupid rock. Homer: Uh-huh. Lisa: But I don’t see any tigers around, do you?
[Homer thinks of this, then pulls out some money] Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock.
[Lisa refuses at first, then takes the exchange]
“We perceived a threat.” – Cleveland PD Officer Timothy Loehmann
More tragedy Friday as Cleveland police officer Timothy Loehmann is accused of firing more than 16 shots into the ashes of a Cleveland boy he killed previously last year.
Loehmann, who is back on the job after shooting and killing 12-year-old Tamir Rice, in a bizarre coincidence has now shot Tamir’s remains in front of the grieving family’s home as the ashes were being transported.
Loehmann said shortly after the escort, he sensed trouble, and repeatedly demanded to see Tamir’s hands. Loehmann, perceiving a threat, then drew his sidearm and fired 16 shots into the urn.
“I gave him every chance, but I couldn’t see his hands,” Loehmann said. “All I seen was threat.”
But this was only the beginning of a new nightmare for Loehmann’s career. Tamir’s ashes exploded into a cloud of dust and gunsmoke, choking responding officers with scorched ashes. Loehmann watched as Cleveland officer Garrett Carner lay in the grass, choking on powder.
“I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!” Carner cried out, gasping for air.
Loehmann said he could not stand by while Rice continued to attack his fellow officers.
“You don’t mess with the Blue Line,” Loehmann explained. “So I reloaded, and resumed efforts to neutralize the threat this suspect posed to myself and fellow officers.”
Officer Loehmann is known for his leader-like command of courage under fire. Following his lead, Loehmann and other officers fired dozens of shots into the cloud, striking Carner twice in the guts as he lay sprawled out on the pavement.
Tamir’s ashes were charged as an adult and later found guilty of attempted murder of a police officer, and sentenced to death.
The Cleveland Parole Board or something issued the following statement:
Today we mourn Officer Garrett Carner who was shot and suffocated by a savage, terroristic black animal from the projects. We do not yet know how detention officers plan to go about injecting lethal chemicals into a pile of carbon and bone-dust, but we are committed to the safety of our officers and serving the law-abiding citizens of Cleveland, Ohio. We will stop at nothing.