Juice Rap News calls for donations to fund US military

“War is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ignorance is strength.”
“War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.”

INTERNET — The infotainment youtube program Juice Rap News released a promotional video for the cryptographic distributed network Tor which is developed and continuously funded by a front group set up by the US military.

Investigations showing the purpose and intent of the military’s “cloaking device” is readily available online, yet defenders of Tor claim that its sources of funding, localities of deployment, and various groups which regularly use the cryptography in rebellion are an entirely apolitical matter due to tight and secure technical achievement bound only by the laws of mathematics. Such egregious and completely bald lies were gobbled up by the uninterested and unsuspecting dupes at Juice Rap News and repackaged in a confused reference to a literary work that has shown them to be illiterate as well as irresponsible.

Their character George Torwell, based on the famed novelist of 1984, admitted by a slip of irony that the often-denied geopolitical ambitions motivating the creation and continual funding of the Tor project are not a Pollyanna game of activist grabass when he said without irony that “Tor is peace,” in the place of Orwell’s ironic “War is peace.”

However, the Internet maniacs are likely to see this draining of irony from Orwell’s great warning of the lingual tricks of ideology as a clever and cool piece of infotainment and maybe they’ll even make a donation to take the burden off of the Pentagon’s budget.

Tor is War

Prism is Freedom

Internet is Ignorance

~ Torwell Orwell

The Dark Path

To borrow the shittiest, most overused image in literature for a moment, let’s pretend like what I do next is original.

Original thoughts come rarely, as rarely as life itself. Everywhere you look is a bright world of color and hatred. A beautiful, blissful carving at the base of a jutting cliff from the mountain of shit. But that isn’t original. The dark path goes past the scenic abuse of our masochistic temporal wastelands and traces a river of regret-soaked vomit poured from a half-liter of a blue-eyed, blonde bottle of vodka. There’s a downtown apartment overlooking the dark path right now. Inside, two sweaty shadows have sex in July, with the windows and doors open to the boulevard below.

How the sucking maw with black holes for eyes pulled its prey inward, so too does the entrance to the dark path. A whirlpool of originality, spewing unseen colors, unheard-of ranges of vibrations and sound, the dark path catches the eye. It inflames every sense, violent with color, promising poison.

Hatred and ignorance fuel the torch that illuminates the caverns of their being. To learn more about the other so as not to destroy, but consume, an orange glow pours in from the ancient streetlamps – just enough – just enough to see fear. They burn like pines in a flame in a nation of heat.

And they walk the dark path.

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with #ICES Brand Melted Glacier Water

Lead-free product!
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New lead-free, barrel-aged Antarctic glacier water from Lebal Drocer lets you drink CONTINENTS!

Lebal Drocer is proud to announce a neoliberal partnership with HAARP, Nestle and corruptresourceful Michigan governor Rick Snyder.

The shadowy global weather experimentation agency works with Lebal Drocer to create intentional patterns of global warming across key areas over Antarctica to produce the world’s purest water – straight from the #ICES of antarctica – by warming the regions directly over that bullshit continent no one was using anyway.

It is by this insidious, clever means Lebal Drocer is able to produce magical, clean water for the destitute and poisoned innocent victims of corporate greedProgress! as well as state and local tyranny. Oh boy! Here’s the thrust!

Wage Jihad on Thirst
with #ISIS Brand Water, from Lebal Drocer Laboratories.

Chillary Clinton leadwater coozies
Use a Chillary Clinton Cool Coozie to keep your lead-free water from Lebal Drocer, Incorporated nice and chill, bros.

“Hot, hot hate alone will not warm the oceans,” warned Dr. Languish H. Brightsun, lead researcher for an independent, state-sponsored studdy by Governor Snyder. Brightsun spoke on condition of payment in their neighborhood of 24 cases of pure, clean bottled water. Brightsun said the results show global warming is good for people, and great for profits. “Having secured independent funding from Lebal Drocer, I now have a promising future in manipulating statistics for years to come, at any human cost.”

Brightsun said he and his team are creating premium waterparks, and profiting from the development.

“Tropical resorts for the 1% are appearing in every flooded area HAARP creates,” Troubadour said. “And we are proud to announce construction of an advanced, Roman-style aqueduct connecting Flint, Michigan back to the Detroit water supply. I mean, you know things are bad when an entire city is begging for Detroit water. Flint residents have unknowingly agreed to use the same pipes as the infamous aqueducts, which provide +40% food with each level of growth in one of Detroit’s most disadvantaged cities. Wow, that was a long quote!”

With help from Governor Snyder, Lebal Drocer is here to profit from that. #ICES Leadfree Water fills a growing need for pure water across all food deserts throughout Flint, Michigan.

Each bottle of pristine, glacier-sourced water will cost an affordable $4.50 cents per 20-ounce bottle. MANY THANKS TO OUR HELPERS AT CNN, MSNBC, FOX NEWS, AND NBC FOR PROMOTING #ISIS WORLDWIDE, FOR LEGITIMIZING THEIR PURPOSE AND PROMOTING REASONABLE DISCUSSION OF BOMBINGS ON THIS HOLIDAY OF PEACE, THE CHRISTMAS OF OUR LORD BABY JESUS. AMEN.

Buy this water, though.

Wage Jihad on thirst, with #ICES Premium Hatewater

Now 100% lead-free, shipped thousands of miles to quench your selfish, Western thirst.

Chronicle Hate Water is a Lebal Drocer Product. Any attempt to steal our intellectual properties will be matched by a production face-off in China, where we will double down on neoliberal aggression and enslave whoever it takes to make a cheaper product.

Microaggressions against Lebal Drocer are punishable by mutilation or death.

Drink lead water today – and melted Antarctica tomorrow! Pour that shit on your face and titties, you filthy animals! WE OWN YOU LIKE LIVESTOCK. You DIRTY ANIMALS!

WikiLeaks unveils US plan to nuke all its enemies by Christmas

Assange addressed the world via teleconference from the Ecuadorian Embassy
Assange addressed the world via teleconference from the Ecuadorian Embassy

INTERNET — Julian Assange, speaking by teleconference at a press release detaling WikiLeak’s newest hacked documents, said “ISIS, Russia, and China will be reduced to a sea of glass by Christmas.”

Assange spoke before a map of the world with small nuclear detonations placed over potential target zones, “Our source in the Pentagon has provided proof that the US contravened nuclear non-proliferation treaties for decades in the development of so-called ‘clean’ nuclear weapons that minimize fallout and will not cause a nuclear winter.”

With a single tear streaming down his left cheek, the usually emotionless Assange’s voice wavered, “The US generals are very sure of their missile defense systems and hope to strike a final blow to secure total and perpetual geopolitical domination.”

Referring to the map like a forecaster of nuclear apocalypse, Assange pointed out the regions that would be hit by nuclear weapons, “The exact locations of the detonations can be found on the WikiLeaks website but there is no hope in protesting. If you’re in an area where the bombs will fall, seek shelter or flee immediately.”

Molly Crabapple’s new book “Drawing Blood” sat on the furniture in front of Assange, glowing, and he read several fateful lines from its pages, “The final moment, when one single man attains permanent power over the entire planet falls upon this one huddled, drone-swarmed Syrian woman sheltering infinite children, mere futility in the face of the radiation dawn of the Pax Americana.”

But I don’t see any terrorists around, do you?

homer and lisa simpson

Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.
Lisa: That’s specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, dear.
Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Oh, how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn’t work.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: It’s just a stupid rock.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don’t see any tigers around, do you?
[Homer thinks of this, then pulls out some money]
Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock.
[Lisa refuses at first, then takes the exchange]

Family grieving after white officer unloads 16 shots into Tamir Rice ashes

“We perceived a threat.” – Cleveland PD Officer Timothy Loehmann

Cleveland police officer Timothy Loehmann
Timothy Loehmann: You know you fucked up when they blur out everyone’s faces but yours

More tragedy Friday as disgraced Cleveland police officer Timothy Loehmann is accused of firing another 16 shots into the ashes of a Cleveland boy he killed previously last year.

Loehmann, who is back on the job after shooting and killing 12-year-old Tamir Rice, in a bizarre coincidence has now shot Tamir’s remains in front of the grieving family’s home as the ashes were being transported.

Loehmann said shortly after the escort, he sensed trouble, and repeatedly demanded to see Tamir’s hands. Loehmann, perceiving a threat, then drew his sidearm and fired 16 shots into the urn.

“I gave him every chance, but I couldn’t see his hands,” Loehmann said. “All I seen was threat.”

But this was only the beginning of a new nightmare for Loehmann’s career. Tamir’s ashes exploded into a cloud of dust and gunsmoke, choking responding officers with scorched ashes. Loehmann watched as Cleveland officer Garrett Carner lay in the grass, choking on powder.

“I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!” Carner cried out, gasping for air.

Loehmann said he could not stand by while Rice continued to attack his fellow officers.

“You don’t mess with the Blue Line,” Loehmann explained. “So I reloaded, and resumed efforts to neutralize the threat this suspect posed to myself and fellow officers.”

Officer Loehmann is known for his leader-like command of courage under fire. Following his lead, Loehmann and other officers fired dozens of shots into the cloud, striking Carner twice in the guts as he lay sprawled out on the pavement.

Tamir’s ashes were charged as an adult and later found guilty of attempted murder of a police officer, and sentenced to death.

The Cleveland Parole Board or something issued the following statement:

Today we mourn Officer Garrett Carner who was shot and suffocated by a savage, terroristic black animal from the projects. We do not yet know how detention officers plan to go about injecting lethal chemicals into a pile of carbon and bone-dust, but we are committed to the safety of our officers and serving the law-abiding citizens of Cleveland, Ohio. We will stop at nothing.

“Brothers like us don’t live too long,” the Rice attorney said. “That’s why we have to write so many rap songs.

———————————————————————————————————————————

The Internet Chronicle is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc., makers of fashionable and durable kevlar body armor.

"Don't let bullets rain on YOUR parade! Think for yourself in our smart fall fashion."

Why reddit incorrectly deleted a chronicle.su story from its frontpage (and why we’re happy to see it)

"Actually, I watch CNN, and that isn't REALLY how Ross Ulbricht was CAUGHT."
“Actually, I watch CNN, and that isn’t REALLY how Ross Ulbricht was CAUGHT.”

Today OP posted an older chronicle.su story to reddit, and about two hours ago, it was deleted. I don’t take issue with the fact it took so long for the public to pick up on this story [Editor’s Note: who’s kidding who, like I give a fuck? I take issue with nothing. Stop oppressing me, shitlords!!!!]

That’s fairly typical at every level of journalism. Information might become available instantly, but it can take ages to disseminate. This is normal, especially when so much technical jargon is involved.

But before we tear down reddit for being a POWER-LOVING SHITHOLE, I would like to point out that I also really enjoyed some reddit users’ reactions to my material, a lot of it seen for the first time by more than 30,000 people.

reddit1

But on down the page I noticed complaints, with only a few upvotes, suggesting that because chronicle.su is “satire” the story should be taken down without any respect to whether the actual content of the story was true. Nothing is ever funny, just because it’s true, right?

Now, when I wrote the story, I expected the news about DEITYBOUNCE and GODSURGE to take a while for the public to catch on, because it requires at least some familiarity with system and network security to understand, even in the simplest of terms. Also, I knew that because I delivered the story with that Internet Chronicle-brand gusto, people would never actually believe it, even though every word of it is true. But I did that on purpose, because I do this for myself, and all that matters is that I know the difference between bullshit and reality.

However, after 18 months, I finally got to see the conversation unfold that I wanted to see around the particular subject of ARKSTREAM: there were upvoted discussions around actual facts contained in the story.

If I had to add anything to this discussion, it would be that 1) certain pieces of hardware purchased online by certain people like to make pit-stops in Northern Virginia for certain unknown reasons, and 2) DEITYBOUNCE should not be on ANYONE's machine.
If I had to add anything to this discussion, it would be that 1) certain pieces of hardware purchased online by certain people like to make pit-stops in Northern Virginia for certain unknown reasons, and 2) DEITYBOUNCE should not be on ANYONE’s machine for ANY reason.

But as soon as I saw we had hit the reddit frontpage, I knew the story would be deleted not because it was untrue, but because chronicle.su is a place where even we, the writers, don’t know whether the next story is going to be Onion-oriented satire, factual news, hard-nosed political commentary, or a combination of truth and joking, seasoned for effect with convenient quotes by nonexistent people.

I was on the phone with kilgoar when I said, “You know it’s going to get deleted, right? People hate seeing us succeed.” I guess it’s because we do whatever we want to do, and we have fun, and they’re jealous equally of our dank memes, Internet pussy and unfathomable political power.

Seriously though, people hate us because they think running an Internet Hate Site is easy, like anyone could do it. And they’re right, it’s very fucking easy after you’ve done it for 8 years and know what you’re doing. [Editor’s note: Not to mention, WordPress is a fucking joke.] But they didn’t start their own websites; in fact, most everyone – including yourselves – are losers who never actually did anything with their boring-ass lives, so you have to shit on everybody else and drag everyone else down. The only way you know how to process the vibrant, beautiful world we live in is through your gray sunglasses like you have it all figured out, and all you’ve figured out is SHIT, so the whole world looks like shit to people like you. I know this because I was you. You either grow out of it or grow into an old bitter turd, stinking up the room. Reddit saw the neckbeards remark at the end of my article and instantly hated it, because only a redditing neckbeard would ever suggest a story be taken down from reddit, a content aggregation site known for its commitment to accuracy and integrity.

What a fucking loser.
What a fucking loser.

Just the facts, funny-guy

My article was a combination of straight news mixed with obvious commentary for spice. So the moderator of /r/technology really didn’t do his homework, electing instead to answer MODS MODS MODS, GET IN HERE. ‘Finally, a chance to feel useful!’ thought the reddit moderator. ‘This will validate my existence!’ And so with authority and conviction, he deleted my true, factual story from the top of the technology subreddit, because The Internet Chronicle is a satire news site. Yeah, you moderate a fucking subreddit, big deal. The Internet Chronicle doesn’t belong on reddit anyway, because reddit is a shitty website built on a shitty, exploitative premise. And let me tell you, it was a real battle of superpowers today, ladies and gentlemen. It was real barnburner.

There might be some syntactical disagreements with the order of events in which Ross Ulbricht’s activities were finally uncovered, but that doesn’t make the article wrong. In fact, when the news broke of Ulbricht’s arrest, this information was still totally unknown, and the online usergroup he contacted for tech support may well have led to his discovery, since only a handful of people were using those commands online, and Ulbricht’s commands and the way in which he requested help for them served only a very small set of specific purposes, namely the secure movement of information along two unique online databases of illegal buyers and sellers.

If you’re curious, that was really him on the website, and the other users only realized it well after he was arrested. I know this for a fact because I participate in online discussion. In other words, lurk moar, faggots. An actual, useful moderator on the tech forum later confirmed the request was made by a single-use Tor user. If I wanted to make something up for laughs, I would not have been so dry as to point to an unknown website to make a remark about an unknown line of dev code. You fucking unknown tryhards.

But I’m sure you’d rather buy the FBI’s explanation, anyway, since you’re the kind of person who gets his news from reddit comments.

Now, how did we appear at the top of the Technology frontpage? Well, it turns out OP is a faggot pretty cool guy, who proves … basically the entire point of this website.

reddit-OP

And the point is you’re a bunch of gullible, mouth-breathing idiots, who are willing to suck any powercock that comes within inches of your open lips. Whether it’s wiki-power, Snowden-power, military-power, police-power, upvoting-power, Chronicle-power, or just plain old power-power, you’ll still suck the end of that dick and swallow the seed that makes you sick, because all you want is a taste. A tiny little taste of that power.

Well, here it is, so drink it down, MOTHERFUCKER. Go fuck yourself, reddit.

Go fuck yourself, Internet.

This is The Internet Chronicle, and you’re reading chronicle.su.

We hate you.

num, num, num. Oh, give it back, Daddy, let me suck the powercock. I almost tasted it. I can smell your powercock, Daddy, just let me have a little taste. Give me a little tiny taste of powercum, Daddy. I want to taste it.

The Internet Chronicle is a Powercock Publication, brought to you Proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We are behind every iteration of the world superpowers.