Month: April 2016

Categories
Status Quo

Tips for getting along with new co-workers

The work is already piling up behind kilgoar at his new cubicle job. He now hates Mondays, and drinks from novelty coffee mugs with cute office humor printed on them.
The work is already piling up behind kilgoar at his new cubicle job. He now hates Mondays, and drinks from novelty coffee mugs with cute office humor printed on them.
Your empty smile fools no one, because you are an insecure piece of shit and everyone knows it.
Your empty smile fools no one, because you are an insecure piece of shit and everyone knows it.

So you’ve started work at a new office, and you want to make a good impression. You’re not trying to make friends, but you don’t want to come off as an unapproachable ogre, either.

Here are a few useful tips designed to help you get along with any coworker, in any office setting. Don’t be nervous! Be sneaky, vindictive and judgmental with these four easy tips.

  1. DO discuss politics. Choose a polarizing subject like abortion. Don’t be afraid to play devil’s advocate! You can learn a lot about someone by measuring their reactions to statements such as, “Killing unborn children is not just murder, it’s a sin.” You will quickly find yourself bringing groups of different people together in fun, friendly discourse.
  2. Be playful. Try a funny prank, like farting near a group and blaming it on the guy who packs his own lunch. “Christ Larry, is this what you call living organically?” In the same vein, poison a coworker’s coffee and wait for him to get sick. Because you’re in on the joke, you should have plenty of time to think of a witty remark, which will score huge points around the office. While your coworker is writhing in pain on the floor of the ambulance, you can quip, “Budget meetings are bad, but this is ridiculous!” Pain is hilarious.
  3. Tell jokes. Identify a remark or catchphrase that seems to work, and stick to this joke like glue. “You’re alright, Lisa. I don’t care what they say about you.” The more people hear this, the more it is likely to grow on them. Do not deviate from this canned phrase, and you’ll soon be “a character” remembered for ages as “a pretty good guy, too.” Jokes that are hurtful to others is a surefire way to gain status in the pecking order. Identify some previously unnoticed weakness in a colleague, and choose the right time to identify and ridicule your target in front of everybody. “Say, Thomas, I never noticed until I was helping you convert last quarter’s graphs that you’ve got a dead tooth. I used to think you just rolled around in something dead before work.” Thomas is such a faggot now.
  4. Blame others for your shortcomings. Starting a new job is difficult, especially if you’ve only been doing it for 25 years when you make a mistake. Someone didn’t get paid for two months because of your clerical error? No problem! You didn’t come this far by owning up to your faults. Admitting to mistakes reveals weakness, and suggests to others you have a tiny penis. Abuse the power you worked so hard for, and blame everyone for what you do wrong. Lie because it’s easier, not as a last resort. You aren’t desperate. You’re callous. You aren’t evil. You’re new, and you want people to like you!

With these easy tips you are ready to win people and influence friends. You have enough on your plate to deal with, and when you’re the new guy in town, you’ll need every bit of help you can get, because you are a pathetic, weak piece of shit and nobody can ever know. Unless you want to die miserable and alone, the butt of every last joke, and remembered as a loser, you will follow these helpful tips.

Read https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/ for more helpful bro tips.

chronicle.su is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. We own you and the offices you populate.

Categories
Status Quo

Experts: All social media now ‘just circles’

Lebal Drocer, Inc. Zombie Apocalypse Edition

google-plus-circles-in-facebookINTERNET – Social media platforms, apparently fascinated by the roundness of circles, are pretty must just, like, totally circles now.

The phenomenon began when some neurotic designer decided to break away from every convention, including the shape itself of windows and computer screens.

With a twinkle in his eye, chronicle.su media historian Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour recalls “them good old days.”

“Like the old TVs, remember how crappy they were? They weren’t squares,” he said. “They didn’t have corners. But now social media, on sites which started as squares, are just circles again. They want to go back to when floor model TVs were the focus of the room and were somewhat more aesthetically pleasing, I guess. But TV back then sucked. It was just horses and cowboys and shit, because it was on crappy technology. TV was so bad back then, they didn’t even record it. Producers just aired it live and said, ‘Ah, forget about it.’ And now that’s what social media is. A bunch of shit you’d never want to see, all taking place inside of a stupid, fucking circle.”

Circular designs is the ultimate hipster black hole, Troubadour says.

“Hey, haven’t you heard? Stuff that sucks is good now – ask any hipster – and so we’re going full circle. Social media sucks again!”

When social media was composed of rectangles and squares, you could literally pull pussy out of your computer screen, according to Anonymous. Now, with these circles, it’s all you can do to even get a girl to notice you, users report.

“What’s that? Sorry, I couldn’t tell you had any personality, edginess or discernible features at all, because I see everything through a circle now. All the edges are cut off.”

-Circle Plus user

It wasn’t until like, 1999 we finally got a perfectly square television screen, and all of a sudden these millennials are scrambling for circles again, Troubadour said. He said it’s the same reason Instagram’s icon is a roundish Polaroid, and all their filters and borders harken back to shitty technology, as if it’s something we would ever want to return to. And now people are reducing the fidelity of their media to the grainy, blurry, sepia-tone point of uselessness.

“People fought wars and died for the square, people spent their life’s work developing perfectly flat, square television pictures and computer monitors, and now you want to go BACK to the circle?” he asked. “Come on, let’s be reasonable.”

This clever story is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

We own everything that matters, including Facebook, Yahoo Plus and Google Chrome!

Categories
News

Lebal Drocer cuts funding to Charlie Hebdo

Charlie Hebdo maniacs are busy investigating their own assholes as they've advised all terrorists to do before car bombings.
Charlie Hebdo maniacs are busy investigating their own assholes as they’ve advised all terrorists to do before car bombings.

INTERNET — We’ve always loved Charlie Hebdo. But now we hate them. They have taken things exactly one half-comprehending social media outrage explosion too far. That’s why Lebal Drocer, Inc. is dropping out of financing the Charlie Hebdo comic book. We never read it anyway.

When Molly Crabapple turned on them this afternoon after painting loving memorial of the dead splattered in blood, we knew they were bad. Real bad. She, like, speaks Arabic and should know. You don’t just memorialize heroes and then hate them at the first sign of pitchforks unless they’ve fucked up. So far we aren’t sure what they’ve done, but they’ve done it. It’s not the essay, probably, but an offensive choice of a certain metaphor having to do with an iceberg. But we are smart enough to take it all in as a whole as well as divided into its most virally offensive constituents. At Lebal Drocer there are many truths. On the one hand, Charlie Hebdo fiends are calling all Muslims terrorists and rapers just to piss on people with less power than they have. On the other hand, they are incisive satirists who depict and investigate the culture of hate that suffuses the world. How can they be so racist and anti-racist at the same time? A panel of experts are here to weigh in.

 

Sexpert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador shared his analysis, saying, “We used to think this kind of ruthless self anal examination had some health and ideology benefits that prevented terrorism, but from the data we now know it was the biggest factor contributing to the terror attack. It is known that the Hebdo cartoonists were shot to death while fisting one another and examining the extra taboo of busting onto Muhammed’s depiction. And now they’re telling Muslims and orientalist liberal ninnies to join in on the blood and cum bath of their brand of self-examination? Lebal Drocer did the right thing, in my opinion.”

ISIS spokesperson Aladdin Ramadan said, “When we shot Charlie Hebdo to death I didn’t think it was their fault. We just knew it was Allah’s will. Now I have read the editorial and I know I will have a lot of second thoughts during my next suicide bombing. But I won’t think too hard because ISIS newspapers showed us the cumstains on their jeans, anal gapes, the manic grins of ecstasy locked onto their dead faces with rigor mortis. Like they died from their own trolling, not from our warriors. As for Lebal Drocer, it won’t bother me too much as long as they keep paying my way. I support their decisions.”

PR frontwoman for the shadowy Lebal Drocer regime, Dr. Danka Painface, said, “The Lebal Drocer board of executives fabricated everything, using drones and robotics to fool the press everywhere into jacking up some anti-Muslim mania. Win-win. Cultivating the hell out of this outrage just to mix things up and fire a few bad apples was the best move in decades. Go ahead and report it all, see who cares. Hell we’re riddled with leakers and it doesn’t make a damn difference.”

Lebal Drocer’s in-house press elite, famed chronicle.su reporter Frank F. Mason and former czar of Severnaya said, “I’ve been on this beat for ten years. I can even read French. It’s the damn truth. All of it.”