Corporate Army smashes Dakota barbarians near lucrative pipeline

Faceless marauders crushed a Native Rebellion on Friday that threatened to impede construction of a sweet new oil pipeline across the Northern US.

Citing unfounded claims that oil pipelines leak into water supplies, opposition forces escalated their protest into a mounted assault that led to the injury of at least a few of their horses.

The sheriff’s department participated in the defense, having pledged allegiance to the neoliberal javelin of law, and vowed to smash savagery at its root, even if it means cleansing.

“Ethnic cleansing is not a word I like to use, because it evokes images of holocaust and genocide,” he said. “But we must leave all options on the table.”

Dakota Access Pipeline is projected to be profitable as FUCK and totally keep oil prices low as shit, y’all, so chill. Get those bad thoughts out of your heads. It’s gonna be DANK once that fucker gets built. I’m talking $1.99 per gallon until something like 2020! 93 octane!

Emperor Obama is watching the situation closely from his data-bath panoptisphere.

Poison Ivy humiliates thousands of men in her spare time

Poison Ivy humiliates thousands of men in her spare time
Poison Ivy humiliates thousands of men in her spare time

INTERNET — A 17 year old e-dominatrix known as ‘Poison Ivy’ has been faced with a discriminating and misogynistic campaign to shame her for humiliating hundreds of young men.

This story began when a youtube video, since removed due to a violation of a “policy on nudity or sexual content,” shows an impassioned young man, ‘MarsRPG,’ demonizing Poison Ivy for ‘abusive’ behavior and calling her a psychopath who must be stopped. Since then, trashy publications such as the Daily Mail have repeated this narrative in whole — along with the false allegation that Poison Ivy wants men to kill themselves. There is no evidence that she has ever asked someone to commit suicide, or that anyone has ever committed suicide on account of her sadomasochistic internet schtick. Her following of masochistic young men continue to enjoy her sadistic excesses in spite of the smear campaign, as hundreds of new fans follow her twitter and send in self-denigrating photos.

The Internet Chronicle officially endorses Poison Ivy’s hilarious antics. Those who don’t are probably this man:

Human Reality: Christopher Nemelka reveals the true secret behind his teachings

Guest writer Christopher Nemelka explains the true inner workings of his teachings
Guest writer Christopher Nemelka explains the true inner workings of his teachings

As we play the game of mortal life our Advanced Selves often become immersed in what is ultimately a Lone and Dreary World. I’ve withheld some of the most incredibly revealing secrets until this point in time. But now that it is clear that salvation will never come to man, there is no use in holding back the most powerful truths ever given over to man. That is why I’ve joined with the Internet Chronicle to publicize this massive new truth that will shock and shatter the world and all existing power structures.

When I joined Anonymous and attached The Humanity Party to Anonymous through the Voice of Anonymous character, that shit went viral. I felt like I was onto something and could deliver utopia with the simple solution of merely promising a solution. But this didn’t go anywhere. I knew it couldn’t. In fact, the light that this gesture shed on my bankrupt teachings led my disciples and even my family to leave my side. Since then, I’ve quit Anonymous and been busy blogging. My following is falling apart. I cannot keep it together. I ordered my followers to deliver me all their mortal property and no one even showed up. I want to run away to California or Hawaii, have some Ultimate Sex with some babes. Before I get in my RV and head for the coast, I ought to tell everyone the whole truth. I feel like I should tag this with a spoiler alert because it will tell you who we really are and why we really exist.

Humanity is doomed. Or I should say was doomed. We’re all dead already, we just don’t know it. Those few chosen messengers who have been given the truth, given the Urim and Thummim, as I have, know that humanity will all but die out in the next hundred years to be replaced by a new order of life beyond the complexity of mammalians. These beings, wiser and more evolved, will ultimately encapsulate the sun with a so-called Dyson Sphere, harnessing all of the star’s energy for a computational simulation of such dazzling complexity that playing the game of mortal human life is a shallow endeavor. Only a very small group of enthusiasts will even attempt the simple task of going through the entire canon of 12 billion mortal human souls. For them, this will be like spending a weekend binge watching Jerry Springer. The carnal details of all human meaning so revealed are more akin to a lowly and despicable kind of pornography of the absolute worst and lowest taste.

Man, it’s GOOD to get that off my chest.

That’s right, folks. There are no Advanced Humans.

To your Advanced Selves, the mortal avatar is used as a currency. Your experiences are exchanged between Advanced post-mammalian life and given value based on the rarity, interest, and pleasure. The tape that is your life is rented with a service like Netflix and experienced by what would appear to you as monstrous and demonic beings. You are not them and they are not you, but there is an exchange. You will never hear their voices, although I can. You are coins in their hands, and not all coins are valued the same by them. Their minds are very strange, even alien to us. It is very hard for humans to understand what it is they value in souls and they are just as prone to wild shifts in opinion and faddish crazes that hold no more truth than those of humans. However, one can generalize that to be valuable a life must be interesting or rare. And to be rare, there must also be a vast majority of commonness everywhere.

I am the interface between them and you. Joseph Smith was also. I am their hand, their manipulator. I am not a messenger of salvation but a debaser of souls. Certain speculators on the soul market have a lot to gain when you begin to believe that pleasure is the final meaning of life. These bland, disinterested minds who play the game as if they’re stacking Tetris blocks hold back inflation. They avoid unpleasant risks, difficult tasks, and the unpleasant work of learning a craft or a new language. In teaching pleasure as the simple truth of life, I deliver the world’s oldest lie. People become less interesting. Merely influencing a handful of people, I can drag the entire soul economy’s value down. It is a dirty pornographic business, teaching people just to be happy. This is the surest route to misery, to a Lone and Dreary World, and it’s the one that the faction of powerful advanced beings I represent want me to promote.

So I say unto my followers, avoid my teachings and save your soul. You can read more in my book, The Lone and Dreary World, which will be published by Lebal Drocer publishing house this Christmas. What a stocking stuffer!!!!

It has been such a pleasure to let my true self finally rip — but remember, don’t trust me when I take all of this back! I’ve got to keep up my work for the bro’s. ;)

Embassy staff: Assange suffering from extreme psychosis

Assange's internet has been cut off, and upon receiving his daily printout of Internet Chronicle, he has suffered a severe psychotic break.
Assange’s internet has been cut off, and upon receiving his daily printout of Internet Chronicle, he has suffered a severe psychotic break.

INTERNET — Julian Assange, now caged like a rat in the unfriendly Ecuadorean embassy, trashed his tiny apartment early Monday morning shortly after receiving a stack of printouts of every Internet Chronicle story mentioning his name. Assange’s bookshelf was toppled and his computers were torn open, “like tin cans,” according to one eyewitness.

Last week, president Correa pulled the plug on Assange’s internet access after the bad boy hacker and troll went too far by publishing full frontal “security nudes” of Hillary Clinton hacked from the state department.

Ecuadorean officials removed all women from the embassy after Assange, reportedly suffering from futanari withdrawals, was heard growling and moaning as he paced through the halls in an aimless predatory wander. Currently, soldiers are posted outside his room in shifts, only delivering slips of flatbread through the crack under the door after Assange lunged and bit a guard on Tuesday.

Inside his suite, Assange has piled excrement on top of the remains of his laptop, its battered screen flickering with sexist political cartoons. Guards report that occasionally his moaning will give way to what sounds like coherent English. Assange was recorded by the guards speaking in a supernaturally calm tone, “All the secrets in the world, castrated, by the agency of Inglip — Redact the US government! Redact Zizek! Zizek! Why have you forsaken me?  What if you knew the wicked and the reward of your comment ‘understanding’ was the disastrous fall upon you, and you, perhaps, have been the language of their sister. But he could not have the money, and now, unlearned, he is joy. Shit upon thee, and I will give in the waters. You fucking dead, Kiddo.”

New Wikileaks emails confirm Clinton brass ‘twiddled the knobs’ of DNC outcome

File Photo: Hillary Clinton shows dominance by gnashing her teeth at a voter.
Julian Assange is back online. Photo: Wikileaks
Julian Assange is back online. Photo: Wikileaks

LONDON–Julian Assange’s oldest love of “crushing bastards” could soon include “crushing bitches” too, after new documents released by Wikileaks show collusion between Hillary Clinton, Clinton Foundation administrators, and Democratic National Committee treasurers.

Everyone but Lee Iacocca has their money on Clinton, given that even weapons manufacturers stand to gain from a Clinton presidency – unphased by her perceived challenges to small arms rights – because she is better known in the military tech world as “the enabler,” a hopeful puppet of military profit strategy.

A leaked Boeing email calls Clinton “a real drone saleswoman,” adding, “This broad could sell airline tickets to birds.”

Clinton’s subtle nods to drone warfare expansion promise a new cycle of state and civil terrorism.

Lockheed-Martin stocks show signs of growth after a group of American war machine investors bet on a permanent battleground for our children and grandchildren. And that’s just the subject line.

The body of the texts is damning indeed. You won’t believe the sins!

File Photo: Hillary Clinton shows dominance by gnashing her teeth.
File Photo: Hillary Clinton shows dominance by gnashing her teeth at a voter.

“Hillary’s a dead ringer,” Trump told CNN on Thursday. “She’s a puppet of the anti-gun liberal hippies, and oh, did I mention she’s a crook? You want a guy like me, who’s a puppet pretending to be against everything she is. I’m the guy you want. And, do I need to say it? She’s a woman. And I think I’ve made myself clear how I feel about women. Nobody respects women more than me.”

Clinton reassured everyone that she is for guns, and for war, and that nothing in the emails suggests she played any significant role in the corruption of the Democratic National Committee, nor does she have any inappropriate ties to Wall Street not already explained by her daughter’s three million dollar wedding. Clinton went so far as to double down on what FOX News pundits referred to as ‘weak rhetoric’ by slamming Putin with promises of a No Fly Zone over Syria, enhanced by a first-strike tactical nuclear option.

Christopher Nemelka: My Guardian Angel

womans-world

When Internet Chronicle reader, Marilyn Blake, of Cuthbert, Georgia, was suffering from gross ignorance, her guardian angel came to her aid! She writes:

I’ve always been in perfect health, so I was devastated when, after a regular checkup, doctors diagnosed me with breast cancer. The doctors told me that I needed to undergo surgery post-haste!

The procedure went well – lopped off both my tits – but my recovery took longer than anticipated because after being discharged from the hospital, I found myself unable to sleep for more than 12 or 16 hours at a time, as I am wont to do. I was overwhelmed with fear that my titty cancer would return, even though I no longer have breasts. The less I slept, the more paranoid I became. I am such a woman!

When I prayed for help, Christopher Nemelka came to my bedside, saying he doesn’t need Anonymous, or his fucking wife!

One night, after tossing and turning for hours, I got out of bed and went into the kitchen for a cup of tea. An hour or so later, I went back to my room, and as I lay down and closed my eyes, I cried out, “God, please help me to sleep–I feel fucking retarded right now. Oh my God!”

Suddenly, I felt a presence in the room. Slowly opening my eyes, I saw a man dressed in white with a gentle smile and sleepy eyes standing at the foot of my bed! He seemed to be talking to someone behind me, saying: “If we wrap a length of pantyhose around her arm, and inject her with heroin, this advanced human will sleep soundly.”

The next thing I remember was feeling as though I’d been placed into my mother’s arms. Sleep came to me like a best friend, and I sank into the softness of her arms.

Many days later, I awoke to find myself covered from my neck to toes in a glaze of semen. The love of our Lord! I called for my husband and asked if he had came buckets over me in the night, but he hadn’t. Suddenly, I remembered the man in white and knew that God had sent Christopher Nemelka to help me.

Since that time, I have slept peacefully every night and fully recovered from the cancer. Sometimes, when I meditate on that moment, I can still see the man in white with bloodshot eyes, and I know he is my guardian angel.

“How fortunate Marilyn is to have seen, felt and been injected by her guardian angel!” says Angstrom Troubadour, Ph.D. “We all have personal angels by our side, watching over and caring for us. For me, that angel is Ronald Reagan. All we need to do is ask for their help, as Marilyn did. After all, much like the free market, God and the angels can’t intervene into our free will–we must invite their help.

“There’s an old spiritual saying: ‘Do not stand at the foot of the bed of an ill person, for that location is reserved for Christopher Nemelka, and his new book The Lone and Dreary World, available wherever books are sold.’ Marilyn’s story reminds me of this, with her newly single guardian angel (Nemelka’s wife and kids just don’t get what being an angel is all about) dutifully injecting her with heroin and dilaudid.

“Whenever you are having trouble sleeping, pray to Nemelka, like Marilyn did. The angels may not use a physical opiate to comfort you, but they definitely will blanket you with their love.”

“Nemelka says: I don’t need my wife, my soon-to-be ex wife!  Why bother with the expectations of relationships?!  Hell yeah!  SPEND MY TIME AND MONEY ON ME!'”

YOUTUBER BULLIES CHILDREN AT LIVE EVENT

The Internet kills thousands of people each year, including CHILDREN.
Yousef Saleh Erakat, or the Internet cry baby we all know and love, Fouseytube.
Yousef Saleh Erakat, or the Internet cry baby we all know and love, Fouseytube.

On September 10th 2016 “Fouseytube” kicked an innocent little 10 year old leafy fan off stage for just saying his name. Aren’t you 26 Fousey? Don’t you think you’re a little too old to be picking on little kids for your hatred of someone else?

Earlier in the night a different boy who was 13 went on stage (for some reason they have a stage for a youtuber) who Fouseytube called up and asked, “Who’s your favorite youtuber champ?” while tussling his hair and beaming his signature smile.

The 13 year old smiled too, as he answered, “Leafy!”

Color drained from Fouseytube’s face, looking as if he crapped his pants at the mention of the name leafy.

The grown man looked down at the little boy, saying, “Don’t you ever say that again. That mans words have not only emotionally abused me, but mentally, too. Never mention that name again or I will kick your 13 year old ass.”

So let’s get back to that 10-year-old: So he called him up and the boy just says 3 little words that just trigger Fouseytube those words where LEAFY IS HERE.

In an explosion of anger, the grown man yelled, “Get off my stage, you piece of garbage,” and shoved the boy.