ATLANTA – Fans mourn the tragic, untimely demise of David Cross, beloved comedian and creator of Todd Margaret, Mr. Show, and Alvin and the Chipmunks. Cross passed away from toxic shock after his vas deferens blew out, poisoning his bloodstream with a deadly mixture of semen proteins.
Bangstrum Trodman of Lebal Drocer Pharmacological Treatment and Testing Center said Mr. Cross was alone in his hotel room when he experienced an unusual orgasm and called the front desk for help.
He ejaculated so forcefully that it ruptured his vas deferens, Trodman said, and because of his celebrity he had to be rushed to some $5 clinic on the outside of town where he thought no one could find him.
While still hard, Cross was loaded into an ambulance outside with a towel over his face, presumably to deflect the shame of being photographed by the permanent camp of paparazzi who follow famous people, wealthy priests, and other degenerates like that. Little did it matter, Cross was dead within minutes.
“Problem is,” Trodman said to reporters outside, “Leading up to this, he was shooting smack clean into the base of his cock. You ever seen anybody do this? It’s insane, this guy’s taint!”
Trodman said a combination of heroin and cocaine repeatedly injected into the performer’s groin compromised the structural integrity of his vas deferens, until after some time it degenerated, and ultimately collapsed in those final moments of unbridled pleasure heard on the 911 tapes.
“A lot of people don’t know this but Mr. Cross loved Creed,” says Mark Buchanan, Cross’ childhood friend. “We would be getting shit-hammered, and he’d be so drunk I don’t even know if he knew what he was doing, but he would tell everybody in the car, ‘Put on Creed! Play those gospel jams!’ And we did, and he loved every minute of it. God bless you, David.”
INTERNET – NORAD tracks Santa through the sky each and every year, and every year, he appears like clockwork, magically darting backwards over the dateline, bringing toys to every good boy and girl. But geopolitical turmoil, exacerbated by warmongering, nuclear threat, and the high profile assassination of a Panama Papers journalist suggest that for some, Christmas might never arrive. Worse, some politicians under investigation for collusion with Russia and Israel could find coal in their stockings!
Dr. Troubadour flipped over a table, spilling our bitshekels all over the dusty pavilion ground at the town center, where chronicle.su was charging readers access to “extreme gaming PC speed lanes” marketing a paid solution to Network Neutrality as their shortcut to Truth.
“Merry Christmas you pieces of shit!” Troubadour slurred, spraying viral phlegm into the air as he forced his speech through gnashed teeth. He fell down and picked through the dirt for spilled bitshekels, as desperately as if they were the precious flaking crumbs of high-powered crack rock. “Do you have ANY idea how hard Santa’s slaves worked to make your iPhones and Playstations? DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?”
Troubadour, whose duty as personal physician to the estranged Northern toymaker is eclipsed only by the bond of their friendship, offered insights into the widening scope of Santa’s delusional megalomania. More to the point, Troubadour turned his darkest concerns about the future of Christmas into a handy, easy-to-consume list. And he published it here first, where you can read it all on the same fucking page, because we ain’t crumbin’ for rocks. This isn’t fucking Buzzfeed! Read the list:
10 Early Warnings Signs Santa Claus Is NOT Coming To Town
10. Santa is not coming because he is disturbed by the content you view online. This, coming from a man who enslaves Elves and demands milk-and-cookie tribute. Clean up your act!
9. Santa’s not coming because Elon Musk is edging him out of circumnavigational flight, and you people just LOVE it, don’t you?
8. Santa’s not coming because he outsourced it to Pursuance, but there’s no one online to accept the task.
7. Santa will bypass the Middle East because you moved a critical embassy into hostile Jerusalem territory. “Look I’m no investor,” Troubadour says, “but I think if it’s in the Bible, I wouldn’t open a Starbucks there. Forget an embassy.” You guys want to make another shitty Benghazi movie, or what?
6. Santa is not coming because you went to one too many pot parties. Santa’s got no problem with the sweet leaf – it helps with his glaucoma – but laying around, smokin’ grass and watching a streamer play Destiny 2 is NOT a party. Get on Rust.
5. Santa’s not coming because of a rare condition with his prostate.
4. Santa’s not bringing any toys to fake and sensationalized news outlets. It’s a very serious sin that hurts all mankind, Santa says. Really? So is gluttony, you fat bastard. FAKE NEWS! BRING THE FOSSIL COAL AND WE’LL BURN IT FOR HEAT, OLD MAN. Santa said it. The pope is saying it, too. Right, we take advice on hard news from a man who claims to represent Pedophile Daddy from the Sky. Go fuck yourself. Santa’s bailing on that shit, too.
3. Santa is not coming because the War on Christmas has escalated to include surface-to-air missiles and a new Iron Dome that deflects toys away from locations where Israel and the US don’t want them.
2. Santa is not bringing you ANY fucking toys because he knows. He knows that dark secret ‘only you’ know. He hasn’t said anything. But he knows it.
1. Santa is not coming because you read this website. Who needs him? You’re not fucking babies. Fuck toys. You smoke dope and drink liquor! Chemicals are your toys, and there is no such thing as joy. You suffer alone and have forgotten about things like toys, happiness, togetherness and joy. You are so ironic and cool, now. You are so right about everything. Now YOU get it, too! Now you speak only in truisms and summarize your experience of the world in worn out platitudes. Santa’s got no use for that, but of course we’ll accept your pseudo-intellectual bullshit in the comments. Do keep reading! You’re old souls! You’re WOKE AF!
Santa’s noticed many of you aren’t showing enough appreciation for what he does. Some, he says, even doubt his existence. You FOOLS! Are you trying to make the naughty list? Do you understand what HAPPENS to people on that list?
“It is high time I demonstrated the True Meaning of Christmas. On Christmas Eve, I will strike down from my polar base and teach the world just how real, motivated, and powerful I am. I’m only telling you this now, because you guys at Internet Chronicle are cool. I don’t know what it is, but you just have this energy. You guys get it, you know, so I am telling you: Stay home on the 24th. Aight?” – Santa Claus
INTERNET – It is without hesitation or thought that we present the same prestigious annual award every year to the Supreme Commander of the United States Army, President Donald Jefferson Trump. Trump received his notification email this morning, enclosed with his 10th “Medal of Trust.pdf” which names him ‘Man of the Year’ again.
Congratulations Donald Trump!
10th YEAR IN A FUCKING ROW
Actually, you know what? Century. This is Internet Chronicle, afterall, where Trump was just announced Man of the Century.
Trump’s decade as Man of the Year is a long and storied career. However storied it may be, you’ll read none of those stories here. That’s locker room talk!
Don’t thank us for the pleasure, sir. You’re welcome, Mr. President. The honor is all on this side of our glorious Website. Truly.
But it wasn’t easy to get here, was it? It’s been a long, hard, stiff battle but you’ve made it clear: Your dominance is pure and unending. Your interview and photo shoot are scheduled for Monday, November 27. You’ll just need to let us know where, since we’re having trouble with our office.
In an audacious tweet, President Trump praised the fake news entertainment comedy website for being “Very smart,” and “Very, very tasteful.”
They’re doing great work over there at Internet Chronicle. Can’t say much for hatesec – if we’re being honest, the man is a liar and a cheat – but Dr. Angstrom Troubadour is a smart, tasteful, very cunning man. – President Donald Trump
‘Decade of Aggression’
Internet Chronicle stocks plummeted this morning after an announcement stating they would no longer be offering their famous Thick’n’Hateful Sunday print edition, as Trump’s subsequent endorsement led to savage antifa attacks against our hardened Cuthbert headquarters.
All systems go, Mr. President! You’re Man of the Year. Hell, you’re man of the fucking Centry. Now get out there and grab you some pussy, baby, you’ve earned it alright.
A team of researchers led by the legendary hostile Dr. AH. Troubadour say they are close to uncovering a molecule rumored to exist in just two instances: the earliest moments after the explosive ignition of the known Universe, and the human brain at the peak of a heroin high.
Troubadour and his team are marketing the enhanced synthetic opioid booster caplet under the inappropriate and not properly discussed generic name INSTANT DEATH. Experts say it feels like the ethereal quest into DMT, and horse.
‘INSTANT DEATH is so good, you die before it hits you.” – Coroner’s report
Chief Medical Researcher Dr. Angstrom Troubadour says he is confident he and his team currently have a guy high on heroin in the other room, ready for surgery. Troubadour said they plan to forego the waiver process and move forward with the extraction: Troubadour, wearing sandals with socks, will capture the theoretical, ephemeral molecule from his subject’s brain at the precise moment it springs into existence and passes before the mind’s eye.
“Doing this takes great care,” Troubadour said. “You got to catch him on the nod. My men are ready to go in there and snatch it out, so we can reverse engineer it and put it in all the rest of you!”
The price of INSYS stocks tripled after the news, despite the recent arrest of their founder, John Kapoor, and lifelong friend to Raleigh T. Sakers. As such, INSYS is owned and operated under the protective legal umbrella of Lebal Drocer, Inc. He’s ours, now!
Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals
” You just put it under your tongue. And wait!! “
“The black horse leads you down a dark path,” Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals. “The dark road we all walk. Ask your doctor about riding the black horse today!”
Hello Internet! I’m hatesec, and I am here to mansplain to you idiots a little story about dumb people. Okay, that’s the setup. Here’s your fucking story, and it goes a little something like this:
Dear Internet, stupid people sometimes let their Babies die in obvious, easily preventable ways. Why, just last week a young Arizona desert family let their larva babysac die after abandoning it in a hot car and then letting that car fall into gear and roll downhill, into an industrial greasetrap behind the Target on exit 57, just 45 miles from their home, which authorities say is normal in that area to drive that far to Target, which was weird because that sort of editorializing is not usually included in reports, but what the hell do we know?
Anyway, these mongoloids went on TV like they always do to register their grief to some pale, hungover, sickly-looking television reporter. But this time, Roz gave us something a little different. These Good People refused to pray for the godless animals who killed their little baby through negligent stupidity.
“We feel for them. We really do. We feel for ’em all. That baby dying stabs right into the motherfuckin’ heart of this community,” Shannon said. “But we just can’t keep them in our prayers. Their family – it’s just – you know… Well, they aren’t like us.”
The Davidsons next door also refused to keep the family in their prayers, but instead sent their regards.
“She had an abortion the year before,” Jeff Davidson said. “That’s just what she wanted anyway. It’s the same thing, right? I send my regards.”
Jeff operates the Davidson Family Facebook account, which a federal investigation recently found to have accepted money from CHRONICLE.SU, a website stationed in the Former Soviet Union.
The FBI believes chronicle.su is feeding money to well-meaning midwestern Facebookers in a bid to spread dangerous and subversive satire materials to unsuspecting readers ONLINE, through Fake News Media Outlets such as Facebook.com, Twitter and Google.
[Editor’s Note, doomsday preparedness edition: Internet Chronicle is rumored to be poisoning all our minds, and we must rise up dear citizens, and let us all be leaders against Her Tyranny, down with the so-called “glorious” and purportedly “infallible” CHRONICLE.SU. Let your nightmares become reality, with Extra Strength Terrormax PM. Take it once, and never fall asleep again.]
The Davidsons receive daily SMS messages from Raleigh Theodore Sakers, the recently defamed Internet Chronicle publisher who has been driven to live in a fortified compound beneath an abandoned missile silo. Sonya, Jeff’s wife or somebody named Sonya, showed us Raleigh’s latest message.
Ya don’t care to watch your baby, you just wanna go, go, go. Don’t care to — yeah she got an abortion didn’t she. Little Susie got an abortion. And that’s why Miley had to go. YOU CAN’T PICK AND CHOOSE YOUR KIDS, SU$AN. You abort one and keep another? You’re a little bitch, Susan, just like your mother!
Roanokers ‘weren’t happy’ with latest iMessage outburst
When the local church asked the community to kneel and pray for the Smiths, people stood up instead, and turned their backs to the priest. They weren’t happy.
“Some people walked out, and a few stayed.” said Mohinster. “Some prayed, but you could tell by their posture they didn’t mean it. They was praying ironically.”
Susan Delaney’s girlfriend, Joyce Barker, sent her one final text before turning the gun on herself. In the message, she gets all hyperbolic and guilt trips Susan which is an understandably tired premise:
For Your Love, I would give you all I could.
For your love, I would give you all I knew. I would lay down on a bed of spikes and wallow in dirt, fire and piss. For your love, I would lay in the sewers and bathe in disease. But I won’t pray for your dead baby, because you are a baby killer, and religion is literally all that I know. IT’S ALL I CAN UNDERSTAND.
“Just you wait!”
— Dr. Angstrom Troubadour
So naturally everyone was really freaked out to begin with, Chronicle surveillance expert Dr. Angstrom Troubadour said, upon reviewing videotaped footage of the texting as seen through her bacdoor!d webcam from god only knows where, but you can buy it! It’s for sale. It will make an excellent episode of the news, just you wait buddy. Just you wait!
Anyway, a baby died in that story, but really what more can I say. They wouldn’t pray for those people. You read it here, first. Religion, on chronicle.su
This message is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Who is Susan, anyway?
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced he will run for the White House in 2020, replacing Sanders on the Democratic ticket. Already, Zuckerberg has been touring America – as quietly as he can – to learn all about what’s important by talking to simple, ignorant fucks like you.
Reality TV just became reality reality
Trump’s faithful following of Internet trolls and Proudbois have already taken to /pol/ registering their disdain for the presidential hopeful they’re calling “a Harvard-educated Silicon Valley fuccboi.” Zuckerberg is also the world’s first politician to rival Donald Trump’s social media presence.
Cuckerberg’s about to learn we do politics a liiiiittle bit differently here in America than maybe he’s used to with them hippies in California. RSVP to my Facebook event and we’ll show Cuckerberg what America’s really made of! – Internet Hate Person
Debbie Wasserman Schultz colluded with a Russian Facebook Troll Farm to hook up Zuckerberg with a nomination, along with this totally sickass new Trans Am.
“Establishment Republicans are conflicted over Trump, Megun Kelly said in a Friday interview. “On one hand, they really liked his Muslim ban, but on the other hand, they hate anyone who buries his face in cocaine and pussy. These are good old boys we’re talking about. Zuckerberg wears a dopey, clean face over some dirty enterprise.”
THE JIG IS UP
PRESIDENT ZUCKERBERG HAS OUR DATA: YOU AGREED TO THIS! NOW YOU CAN PAY FOR DONUTS AND COFFEE WITH CHIPS IN YOUR NIPPLES.
Internet Chronicle has long been compromised by the insidious, paranoiac, tentacle-eye of Zuckerberg’s specialized and pervasive Facebook cookies. It was only until now that we felt safe from him, out of reach, outside his sphere of influence. [PUBLISHER’S REMARK: Because we are the martyrs who put ourselves in the middle of this. We will one day puppet Zuckerberg OURSELVES — RTS].
Other sites tried to warn you, but only CHRONICLE.SU covered it up. While certain sites make you click OK to acknowledge the cookie, WE have been feeding you cookies by mixing them in with the TRUTH. [PUBLISHER’S NOTE: Why, at this very moment, we are TURNING INSIDE OUT and our veins and our MUSCLES are melting off our eviscerated bodies, and dripping into scorched earth. Our existence is stripped away in the third consecutive blast of the nuclear holocaust in progress as we write this – RTS].
Zuckerberg will use all our data to blackmail and revenge porn ANYONE who opposes him. The deal is: Vote for Zuckerberg, or enjoy having your search history published at the world’s most popular website, chronicle.su
It’s for your own GOOD, you miserable dogs!
You’ll understand when you’re older. In the meantime…
ALL HAIL ZUCKERBERG
“I have got to get me one of these!” – Dr. Armstrong, quoting Independence Day
Internet Chronicle Sports Medicine Expert, Doctor H.A. Armstrong, said Zuckerberg has an exciting new plan to purge nonsupporters with a proprietary algorithm that makes your EVERY secret known. With one swipe of a smartwatch sewn into his skin, Zuckerberg can identify and target political opponents at will, making him a shoe-in for the 2020 nomination.
NEOLIBERAL TWITTER TROLLS have co-opted the women’s solidarity hashtag #MeToo and twisted it into a grotesque gesture.
“It was in the terms of service you agreed to in 2004,” Armstrong said. “Marko’s coming up on the ripe old age of 35 and still he ain’t had a chance yet to waller in true power. This is what you wanted.”
Zuckerberg promised to end the healthcare debate once and for all, by prescribing mandatory Xanax to the Demoratic People’s Republic of New Facebook, America’s 51st state and the only state to exist entirely online.
Welcome to the states, Internet boys! Get ya bitcoins, because we are GOING ONLINE TONIGHT. I’m talking Silk Road 3.0 (The fastest Silk Road ever!)
This fine literature is provided to you graciously, and free of charge, by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Owners of all that which matters.
BOSTON – Police responded to a grisly crime scene at the home of paranoid, isolated Lebal Drocer founding executive Raleigh Theodore Sakers, Internet Chronicle learned early Wednesday morning. This comes after Chronicle learned of a dangerous plot designed by Sakers to drive away readership in a grotesque act of self-sabotage.
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange “leaked” an intercepted affiliate email from Sakers, the aging and senile publisher-in-hiding of the Internet shock site Internet Chronicle. In the unsent letter, Sakers transcribed wretched and evil thoughts as they rang throughout his head like gunshots in the night:
FUCK YOU. YOU ARE NOTHING. FUCK YOU. WHY ARE YOU READING THIS WEBSITE. GET OUT OF HERE. LEAVE. GOOGLE: FUCKING LEAVE. TWITTER. YOUTUBE. ALL OF YOU ARE FUCKING OUT. I AM THE DEVIL, AND I’M FUCKING IN.
Hey, take your 280 on the way out. and while we’re at it, I don’t need your 140 either. SNIVELING RAT BASTARDS! Why, if you worked in my office right now, I wouldn’t even abuse my power to sexually COERCE YOU.
Alright now, that’s it. Get the fuck out. Get the absolute fuck out of my office, right now. You’re fired. I quit. This whole thing is over.
DO YOU HEAR ME I’M FUCKING FINISHED. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??? IT’S OVER. GO THE FUCK HOME. YOU ARE NOT SAFE IN YOUR BEDS. YOU ARE NOT SAFE IN YOUR HOUSES. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU IS WALLOWING IN THE MIRE AT GROUND ZERO, AND YOU’LL NEVER SEE IT COMING. DO YOU GET ME?
THIS WHOLE FUCKING SITE IS A SCAM. A BLEAK CHARADE! YOU’RE BEING LIED TO! YOU’RE DOGS, YOU’RE PIGS, AND YOU’RE SHEEP! YOU’RE FUCKIN ANIMALS!
THEY BATTLED FOR NET NEUTRALITY …. what, you think that’s about you and me? IT WASN’T FOR YOU AND ME – THEY FOUGHT FOR THE POWER TO CONTROL YOU AND ME FIRST. THEY WANTED IT FIRST! NO GOVERNMENT, NOR UTILITY, SHALL CONTROL THE SHIT WE LIKE SHARE AND SEE — OH THEY WANTED TO — BUT NO, BECAUSE GOOGLE WANTED IT FIRST AND GOOGLE HAS DESIGNS AGAINST YOU AND ME, AND THIS HERE WEBSITE YOU’RE READING. NOW GET OUT, THEY KNOW YOU’RE READING IT! GET OUT. THEY KNOW. THE JIG IS UP. IT’S OVER. I said get the fuck out.
THIS IS FINISHED, DO YOU HEAR ME!
Assange holds a copy of the letter in his hands for cameras, which are pointed at all times into his embassy balcony nest, and a teardrop hits the page. He looks up to see the cameras are not on. They’re not even there. He needed a leak and he needed it fast.
Assange called Internet Chronicle at 3:27 a.m. That’s when we learned the wealthy Mr. Sakers was holed up in his office with a revolver to his head, threatening to destroy the world.
Somebody yelled out, “Raleigh, no!”
Dr. Troubadour, who is a real doctor, was at the scene but because he was on LSD, he wasn’t working in any official capacity at that time, so he was just taking bong hits while Assange put on his pony show for invisible demons rampaging outside.
“He was being such a drag,” Troubadour said. “It was bumming me out, and it was fucking with everybody else at Chronicle, too. Why would our creator destroy us? We ought to seize the means and fire HIM. Also Assange looked pathetic.”
Troubadour said the whole scene was pretty fucked up in the end, but he said whatever happens, happens. He is cool either way. At least he showed up. He even brought a bunch of other people with him.
Fans mourn the loss of Internet Chronicle, the satire site best known for its award-winning coverage of the Arab Spring, for which the site assumes all credit.
chronicle.su was pronounced dead at 4:45 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “Complications associated with acquired immunodeficiency syndrome,” or AIDS. Editors recently celebrated the site’s 10-year anniversary by performing a seance to conjure the hate of Andrew Breitbart, who simply wanted the 99% to stop raping everyone, before dying unexpectedly. He was mourned by fans, too.
The Internet Chronicle is survived by its publisher, Lebal Drocer, Inc. as well as kilgoar and hatesec, the writers who created it.
“We don’t know what to tell you,” kilgoar said. “We thought people were reading it. We didn’t realize all our pageviews were ironic.”
“I’m just torn to pieces over it,” said hatesec, who was getting loaded on the evil side of town. “I can’t get out of bed. I wasn’t going to anyway, but now it’s like I can’t.”
Remaining assets are to be turned over to the EFF General Fund for Attacking Internet Liberty. Like whatever, just do what you’re going to do. We don’t give a fuck. We’re dead, get it?
BOSTON – The stories you’ve been reading about the rare deployments of a so-called free speech enforcement team are not true. They are fictionalized events that never happened, unless you read it here, in which case it happened, in which case you did, meaning we are all puppets of lore. Like, Barrett Brown, for example, whose meteoric rise to infamy is owed exclusively to the wonderful work he is doing over there at the Pursuance Project. They say it’s like working for Google!
During an emergency meeting at Internet Chronicle headquarters, the Internet paper of record declared itself the official spokesman of the leaderless Pursuance Project, and the spinoff group Pursuance+. The team agreed it is a successful enterprise, and jerked each other off under the table without warning. One guy watched. Didn’t they say it’s like working for Google! Remember last paragraph!
Government forces deployed free speech squads ahead of a Pursuance Party and Party+ planning event and have encircled the building where Barrett Brown is rumored to be looking into someone else’s kids as you read this. The situation is tense as a familiar calm settles over the Pursuant Himself. And for a moment he feels peace. Peace. At last. Before thinking, ‘Wait, this feels familiar.’
“The Pursuance Project is just like working for Google.” – Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Ph.Dizzle in the house, fo rizzle, motherfuckers betta recognize.
This message is brought to you carefully by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
After much thought and heavy consideration, Media Mogul of Chronicle.SU ended his long-running campaign of support for Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, and denounced him Thursday.
“We believe he’s been kind of mean,” said Mogul.
Chronicle.SU described Gaddafi’s actions as “rude, unnecessary and uncalled for.”
“We don’t like how he treated them boys,” said Mogul. “I think those people deserve drugs and videogames more than anybody, and it’s a tragedy he ever took it away when that whole thing went down. But I guess that is why, as he died, they raped him with a broom handle.”
Coming up, after the break:Why YOU should medicate YOUR depressed children, starting from birth.