President Trump visits Roanoke River Catfish Farm

Supervisors hang on his every word as Trump gives critical field guidance to a Virginia fish hatchery.
Supervisors hang on his every word, as Trump gives critical field guidance to a Virginia fish hatchery.

To ensure sustainable resource quantities for all people of the United States, President Trump visited the Roanoke River Catfish Farm.

The Juche Farm has successfully become a world-class, large-scale fish farm, pumping fish on an industrial scale into the Roanoke River from high within the Blue Ridge Mountains, supplying Virginians with food and resources.

Trump looked around the newly arranged room for education in the revolutionary history room, dedicated to the history of the farm.

Noting the farm is one of the legacies bequeathed by leader Ronald Reagan to the people and service personnel of Roanoke County, he said that its officials and employees should work hard to keep the fish breeding going at a high rate, as it is an important work not only to preserve the high prestige of Ronald Reagan, but also to translate his lifetime wish into reality.

Going around various places of the farm, including sci-tech rooms, combined control rooms, breeding grounds where the fish fuck, hatcheries, and fattening grounds, he learned in detail, and with fatherly care, about the progress made in fish breeding and modernization.

It will be possible to accelerate the development of the country’s catfish breeding if websites are set up in computers at the sci-tech room to help employees browse and grasp advanced catfish-breeding methods and catfish farms exchange successes and grow from one another’s advancements, Trump said. He added that the inclusion of an upstream chemical waste disposal facility would spur development of new, delicious species of catfish never before tasted by any living tongue.

Scrutinizing the performance of an automatic feeding machine manufactured by scientists and engineers of the State Academy of Sciences with their concerted efforts, he said it was well-made and believes it will suit the development of any new species created as gestures of his Love and Goodwill to all American subjects.

“It was modernly made with recourse to indigenous brain power and efficiency,” Trump said. “And it’s how we’ll soon make people.”

Being pleased to see only two employees of the farm manage 16 large ponds housing more than 10,000 catfishes, he praised it as a manpower-saving farm wanted by the Party.

He was satisfied to see swarms of big catfishes in each pond and frozen catfishes piled up at the freezing storage.

It is a great success that the Roanoke River Catfish Farm was modernly built in the country’s famous coastal plain suitable for breeding warm water catfish to make it possible to annually breed more than 3,000 tons of catfish, he said.

He gave important instructions for managing and operating the farm, saying its officials and employees should set a higher goal and work hard to attain it as the farm has been transformed into an iconic catfish farm, to compete against Hilton hotels.

And he gave special thanks in the name of the USA Supreme Commander General Mattis to the soldier-builders who turned the farm into a model and standard in pisciculture and a proud edifice in the Second Great Era, as intended by the Party, and thus realized the desire of Ronald Reagan and enhanced his prestige.

Noting the Party reposes high expectations of the farm, he expressed belief that its officials and employees would take the lead in implementing Party policies.

Accompanying Him were Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, head of Research and Development Program of the USSA Population Planning Kommittee.

Troubadour, a loving devotee to President Trump, said the fish farm tricks people into thinking they’ve caught the real thing.

“These fish are stupid,” Troubadour explained with compassion and reason in his voice. “They wear themselves out, losing 90% of their weight over a lifetime because a real fish doesn’t waste energy foolishly chasing food all over the river. But hey, it makes the fishermen happy. We throw them a bone.”

Trump declares war on poverty

Trump put on a worn pair of reading glasses Wednesday morning, spun his favorite Mozart track La Climenza de Tito, and sat down with a legal pad at the head of a conference room table in the West wing of the White House. There, he met with professors of Harvard economics and sociologists from MIT, who presented solutions to a “quieted, attentive President Trump.”

In a sudden tonal shift, insiders say President Trump said little throughout the day, until finally the presentations were over, and Trump had time to look over his notes from the day’s hours-long meetings with intellectuals and poverty experts from every field of governance.

President Trump listened carefully as experts explained the complex arrangement of political and economic forces perpetuating cycles of poverty.
President Trump listened carefully as experts explained the complex arrangement of political and economic forces perpetuating cycles of poverty.

“This is a tough job,” Trump said. “Wow. I never thought I’d say this, but being a good statesman is one of the toughest jobs in the world – a job President Obama did with dignity and care – and today I do not come to you to brag about how far I’ve come, but to say I am humbled by how far we have yet to go.”

Trump listened carefully as representatives from Southern Poverty Law Center described the multitudes of poor workers affected by sweeping policy change.

Over the course of several hours, experts and philanthropists educated the President using charts, graphs and condensing decades of research into a crash course on socioeconomic struggle of the shrinking middle class and impoverished workers, who predominantly occupy the South.

“Trump only interrupted once,” said Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, fellow at the American Institute of Philanthropy, “and he had a very good question. He wanted to know why people who work so many different jobs have little to no savings, and what he could do to repair the post-industrial South. His constructive, erudite tone fostered a creative, solution-oriented approach to complex issues.”

Sad!

Trump, who said he is writing a memo to congress addressing problems of impoverished, working class Americans, wants to see more focus on education and said he will soon host a symposium at the White House where NAFTA leaders and foreign trade specialists can discuss solutions and funding to America’s opium-soaked Southern underbelly, bringing jobs, trade and health services to the region.

“Just opposing the CIA – which I have attempted to do – isn’t the only thing that made Kennedy great,” Trump said. “And I, too, need to do more for people of color, and the beautiful women who – even though they voted for crooked Hillary – deserve access, as all human beings do, to specific family and health services.”

Your keyboard is spying on you

New sonic keyboard technology uses your computer’s built-in microphone to monitor the sounds of your individual keystrokes, logging everything you do, according to new research conducted by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour and his team of unpaid graduate students.

This intuitive method of eavesdropping combines new with the old by “listening in” on audio footage through state-of-the-art noise analysis firmware, which is “baked into” PC components like the motherboard, but can also be flashed – or overwritten – with new, custom firmware that can also introduce privacy and security backdoors. Troubadour and his lab servants were able to find evidence of the keyboard spyware when a student was able to successfully visualize the data leaving her keyboard.

Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.
Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.

“Go ahead and type a few sentences, and be sure to listen to your keyboard,” Dr. Troubadour writes in the study. “Notice how with each individual keystroke, your keys – although similar and seemingly identical – make slightly different sounds. Because the untrained ear doesn’t recognize these subtle, everyday variations, you might not realize they are there, but because every key has slight variations in tone, tenor and frequency – in fact, no two keystrokes are alike in the entire world (much less, keyboards) – and because every individual keystroke has its own microscopic variation, their frequencies are logged and checked against a database of known typing habits assigned to your unique hardwire profile, as supplied by Google, Apple and Facebook tracking services. Everything you have ever typed is just floating around out there, for sale to anyone and everyone who wants it.”

With advances in HTML5, the entirety of this method of eavesdropping takes place entirely within the hardware, and is completely untraceable. Troubadour and his team have not commented on the spyware’s origin.

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Are you worried about keyboard hackers spying on you? Consider the time-tested, EFF-approved Modern-Day Information Superhighway DOOMWAVE Surfin’ Set, from E.W. Laboratories.

Internet Chronicle enters incredible “Stage III” of spectacular human development study

The Lebal Drocer Hate-Coil "Mind Over Matter"
Lebal Drocer Laboratories
Lebal Drocer Laboratories boldly guides us into a Brave New World

Raleigh T. Hatesec, chairman of the Workers’ Party of Democratic People’s Republic of United States of America, chairman of the DPRUSA State Board of Ethics in Human Experimentation and supreme commander of the American People’s Army, gave field guidance to a Washington, D.C. Orphanage and Primary School where children are grown in a petri dish and harvested for their soul essence.

He went round the school building, hostel and other places to learn in detail about the construction and preparations for operating the facility.

Pleased that the Spawning Chamber was built in a modern and fashionable style, he said that all classrooms were put on a multi-functional and IT basis to suit the features of primary education and equipped with varieties of teaching facilities, where children will learn to worship Hatesec, and never question Him.

He noted that the school has well-furnished rooms for education in Raleigh T. Hatesec’s patriotism, room for the members of the Children’s Union, nature study room, music and dance room, and an interlocking room-sized metal grinder for graduation.

All spaces in the learning center are devoted to acquiring knowledge and common sense as the corridor is decorated with diverse paintings of Raleigh Theodore Hatesec, and other things which attract children’s interest and ensure visual, scientific and vivid effect.

Visiting Second-Year Class A having Korean language lesson, he learned in detail, with fatherly care, about how pupils are taught and how teaching aids are used, their cognition ability, and their quality of unending servitude to the benevolent Hatesec. Children wept and women cried who were showered in his love.

Noting that the hostel was built in such way that it not only suits children’s minds but enables them to live without any inconveniences, he added that he was satisfied with everything such as bedrooms and dining room, barber’s and clinic, and his bed of living human women back at home.

The quality of the country’s overall education including higher education depends on the quality of primary and secondary indoctrination and a shortcut to building a talented nation lies in thoroughly implementing the Party’s policy of prioritizing primary and secondary indoctrination, he said, giving important instructions that would serve as guidelines for managing and operating the people factory.

Before it can be used in the preparation of Beautiful and Glorious Salvation of All People at the End of Time, Soul Essence is separated from a dense slurry of blood of bone.
Before it can be used in the preparation of Beautiful and Glorious Salvation of All People at the End of Time, Soul Essence is separated from a dense slurry of blood of bone.

He earnestly asked the officials and the teaching staff of the school to take good care of its pupils, reflecting his wish, so that they may grow up uprightly, stoutly and cheerfully without the slightest sadness and worry, since Stage III Soul Essence can only be manufactured and refined through a rich human experience.

He had a photo session with the pupils and teaching staff of D.C. Orphanage and Primary School.

He was accompanied by Angstrom H. Troubadour, member of the Presidium of the Political Bureau of USSA Central Committee, vice-chairman of the State Board of Ethics in Human Experimentation and vice-chairman of Lebal Drocer, Inc.

He said he had never seen such an efficient use of resources to produce Soul Essence for Stage III of his glorious new plan.

It wasn’t hatesec all along, he said.

“It was me.”

Lebal Drocer CEOs asked: “Why aren’t there more broads in the workplace?”

New Miracle baby dust pills by Lebal Drocer Inc
Tiffany, from Lebal Drocer, Inc. enjoys a long, storied career answering phones, and fetching Kilgoar's coffee.
Tiffany, from Lebal Drocer, Inc. enjoys a long, storied career answering phones, and fetching Kilgoar’s coffee.

dr troubadourHi, I’m Dr. Angstrom Hire Troubledames and I am chief of human resources at the legendary chemical warfare contractor and Internet Chronicle publisher Lebal Drocer, Inc. At Lebal Drocer we specialize in putting tear gas and mustard gas into the wrong hands at the right time. Watch out Assad! The chemical monster’s comin’ to gitcha! (Just kidding. We like to have fun, here! [But seriously, watch it]).

But I come to you today with a message. Good tidings. And I’d like to extend a veiny, rock-hard olive branch to all the pretty ladies out there just looking for a job, or an excuse to leave the house.

More to the point, my bosses have been riding me like a whore four on the floor over hiring practices, and our lawyers are telling me it’s high time we show a little beaver in the workplace. So here’s my pitch (a “pitch” is when one man tries to sell his idea to another man – or, in this case – a woman):

Construction workers are often misunderstood as misogynistic, aggressive cat callers according to Lebal Drocer Ethics Board Chairman Raleigh T. Hatesec.

“In actuality,” Dr. Hatesec explained, “the men shouting from down in that hole are trying to lure more women into the workplace, where their absence is sorely frustrating.”

I get it. Sometimes while we’re driving rivets into steel, we like to be reminded it’s nice to FUCK something, so this is why I look around at the cock-worshiping, Freudian dildo cigar gauntlet that is the Lebal Drocer Tower lobby and I think, ‘Hey, you know what would look good in that corner right over there? A beautiful woman. Have her answer the phone or something.’

I went into the Yahoo! office and first thing I noticed was this beautiful blonde with big tits, dressed like she wanted it. I said ,”Now there’s a tall drink of water!” And this dame works here. I leaned into her, real close – she could smell my essence – and I said, “Hey there Sugar Tits, you got a daddy? Because Daddy’s standing right here, you feel me? ‘Cause I feel you. Now here’s 20 bucks. Buy yourself somethin’ cheap.”

The answer to the question, where are all the broads, is you, ladies. Get off your asses, quit spending your husbands’ money, and come get a job already. If you act now, and submit your little resumé to Lebal Drocer, Inc. Cuthbert, Ga. we’ll even throw in a complimentary handbag, because we know how much you like that shit.

Come get interviewed by two or three guys.
Come get interviewed by two or three guys.

All news – even real news – declared fake news by real fake news review board

STOCKHOLM – After months of rigorous study, discussion and thought experiments, researchers from Lebal Drocer Laboratories, a news analysis think tank, concluded in a white paper released Wednesday that “all news is fake news” under a revised definition of the term ‘fake news.’

Fake news is information that is not news, the conclusion states, because no one wants to hear it and it doesn’t bring clicks.

“The words fake and real are falling quickly out of fashion,” said leading news expert Angstrom H. Troubadour, a pioneer in the fake news field of study. “But I’ll tell you this right now, and it’s the truth: There ain’t no such as thing as real news. That real news is a lie. It’s garbage. It’s trash. It’s fake.”

Troubadour gently explained that readerships suffer from fake news, especially that found in print-online publications, where critical facts and narrative-altering details are ignored by TV entertainment news because they simply aren’t true, and have therefore failed to earn their place on the global stage among real news networks such as CNN, FOX News, MSNBC and The Drudge Report.

Because Journalism is the first draft of history.

And history is written by the victors!

USA! USA! USA! CNN! USA! USE! MEXICO! HELP ME OUT! OF MY LOW! SELF ESTEEM! USA! USA! NSA!

I said, damn, that’s good cocaine.

Advertisement.
Advertisement

“Now, I don’t need to tell you where to go for the real news,” Doc Trouble said. “I suppose since you’re listening to me, you’re already hearing it. You’re hearing the real news right now – better not be reading it.”

Jake Davis, whose name appears on the Lebal Drocer Labs paper, said fake news can come from anywhere, leading to real confusion.

There’s fake news on fake sites, there’s real fake news on fake real sites, then there’s fake fake news on real fake sites,” Jake said. “If you can’t tell the difference between real fake news and fake fake news, you might be a victim of the real fake algorithms.”

After Facebook made it acceptable to label unwanted information, a cabal of fake news writers are determined to erode the little bit of integrity left in the journalism field. Even The Internet Chronicle has come under fire from hate groups that seek to tarnish your reality with differing versions of their own. Which reality will win?

Stay tuned to find out the answer to all this and more. Take your TerrorMax, and always be on the lookout for more real fake news from your favorite fake real news site, The Internet Chronicle!

Chronicle.su is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

We own everything that matters.

Peon masses kneel before EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON

terrormax
To everyone’s pleasant surprise, EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON took control of the entire world Tuesday.

NEW YORK – Inhabitants of planet Earth knelt before the omnipotent ruler of everything Tuesday, EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON, our new benevolent master.

EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON is pleased to announce the creation of a SPAWNING POOL from His dimension, which experts believe will play a crucial role in the new, mandatory 60-hour work week scheduled immediately.

New bylaws introduced by Arbiter of Order EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON restrict unpleasant behaviors such as thievery, busking or begging.

All criminals are now subject to the correctional brutality of a furnace of rotating gears, shafts, cranks and pistons that grind these toxic people into dust and reconstitute them into poison gas for healing the rest of our planet of dangerous biological impurity.

Citizens fawn and celebrate their beautiful New Leader, entertaining not so much as the thought of resisting Him.

EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON warmly greeted an audience from atop his throne of rare pygmy bones, and consumed his strongest supporters with fervor and grace. Applause ripped through the auditorium and surged across a sea, flooding Haiti.

Haiti resolutely sacrificed themselves in His Honor. EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON uttered his catchphrase: “DEATH TO ALL NONBELIEVERS!”

Thank you, Haiti.

HAIL EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON

This article is brought to you proudly by EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON. Death to all nonbelievers.