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Science Special Interest

Lebal Drocer will face ‘serious PR consequences’ for human rights abuses, continuous poisoning of rivers

Scientists at Lebal Drocer Laboratories declined giving a fuck during an official press conference.
Scientists at Lebal Drocer Laboratories declined to give a fuck during an official press conference.

The American magazine Foreign Policy disclosed shortly ago that a Lebal Drocer soldier who mercilessly killed 16 innocent civilians in Roanoke, Virginia – including women and children – was prone to abusing the reality-altering designer drug TerrorBloc. TerrorBloc, or ‘TB’, is a cheap TerrorMax alternative synthesized by a dangerous offshoot of Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, whose labs operate deep beneath the earth.

For some time, friends and family said, the Lebal Drocer Agent was addicted to alcohol and marijuana before graduating to TerrorBloc, a drug so maddening reports estimate it has caused some 45,000 deaths this year alone, not counting those deaths attributed to dumping Schedule III TerrorMax byproducts into major US waterways.

The new report, put out by the rebel group People’s Army of Lebal Drocer, sheds light on nefarious activities by the Real Lebal Drocer, a subsidiary of Lebal Drocer, Inc. The report shows Lebal Drocer “deliberately” hurled drugs and alcohol into the population without regard for human life or happiness, killing people just for profit.

A United Nations Human Rights spokesperson said 31 nations around the world are organized to take action against the multinational conglomerate and author of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, promising to “push Lebal Drocer out of this century.”

Lebal Drocer’s atrocities have created seven new entries in the Guinness Book of World Records, including setting new records for Most Number of Lives Lost During Single Construction Accident and Highest Stillborn Rate Along a Single River.

Needless to say, residents of Canada and Mexico are not happy with the current state of natural decline at the hands of Lebal Drocer, Inc.

The company is sending an assigned diplomat who will personally take punishment at the international human rights tribunal in Pyongyang, satisfying the bloodlust of his fellow man.

Categories
Reviews

9 cat memes that will absolutely FUCK YOU UP

Watch out! Here come the memes.

CAT FLU catCat flu cat walking away just a picture really nothing more

cat smoked weed

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kitty-smileskitty-ram

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kitty

Categories
News

Black bile pours from its maw

Barack Obama could still read by the light of a yellow-gray sky, which hung low over the White House lawn, dripping black rain into the yawning mouths of scorched, thirsty survivors, who leaned against the cool, metal gates. He was poring over the Bible, holding it close to his face. It was difficult to see. He shouldn’t have looked directly at the blast. He lay the book down on a desk in the bedroom he once shared with the first lady, and removed his reading glasses. He flipped on a light in his private bathroom and, leaning in close with both weak hands on the porcelain sink, he saw himself for the first time through fresh, milky cataracts. Orange accents permeated the president’s pupil. He might have cried if he, too, wasn’t so thirsty. The sink ran cold water over his hands, which he splashed on his lined face. The irradiated water felt so cool against his skin, and then a fiery agony spread through where the water touched. He grabbed at a towel and rubbed it against his face, but the coarse cloth pulled away loose, weak skin. He then used the towel to dab at the blood, and he collapsed into the corner. Alone.

nuclear-cataract

Everyone was sunburnt from the nighttime nuclear strike. Outside, a statehouse clerk drank urine straight from a homeless man’s genitals to quell her own maddening thirst. The sound of high-altitude nuclear detonations offered a soundtrack to the visible, but silent, exoatmospheric nuclear detonations permanently destroying satellite communications around the planet, and which blanketed the continent with electromagnetic pulses of hate, bathing every smartphone in a crippling shower of unsustainable energy. The crisis was solved. The homeless man grinned at the irony, his silver eyes rolled back in his head, and he vomited black bile down the sides of his cheeks. He made no effort to get up, and inhaled the bile into his lungs. He coughed and gasped, but the piss orgasm rendered him blank, and he could not move. He lay there and choked on bile as his internal organs rapidly mutated and purged their contents through the pores in his pocked, blistered body. The clerk watched him peacefully, savoring the moment. She prayed for an equally graceful death.

I sat in my office overlooking Floyd Avenue. Without power and working transportation, I studied the fallout patterns from a 1973 book on what to do if the policy of mutually assured destruction between the Soviets and USA ever unfolded. The aurora from overhead EMPs lit my view.

nuclear-fallout-map

The winds blew east, but the fallout plumes in every direction, the book said, and I imagined that if we still had TV, an emergency broadcast would predict the fallout spread far enough out to sea, that it could later ride a jet stream back over the wind, and penetrate my shitty ventilation. Even still, the bombings would continue. I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. Some water droplets hit my signed copy of OJ Simpson’s If I Did It, darkening the dusty cover where they hit. I opened the medicine cabinet and rifled through its contents, knocking prescription pill bottles into the sink, antibiotics to cure my roommate’s STI. I found a dull razor blade, broke it in two halves along the rust line, and lay down in the bathtub.