Shaytards’ fans criticized police overreaction to the supposed crime.
VENICE, LOS ANGELES — A Venice man is in critical condition after an unlikely Sunday driver ran him down at a crosswalk. The 34-year-old YouTube celebrity Shay Butler was observed “vlogging” while driving his Toyota Tundra along Washington Boulevard, when he ran over a man who has not yet been identified.
Sources close to “youtube’s family” confirmed the celebrity patriarch was out getting ice cream for the ‘Tards and vlogging while driving when he struck a middle-aged man with his truck.
“Vlogging” is the practice of blogging through live or recorded video.
“He almost didn’t stop,” said Marina Del Ray patron Thomas Bandy. Bandy said he was nearby when the accident occurred.
“He had one of those flip cameras and the flip panel was turned out, pointed at him and you could see he was just staring at himself, going down the road. I don’t think he knew he hit somebody. We was all yelling, ‘stop, stop’.”
Shay Carl rarely apologizes.
The victim’s family has asked the media to respect his privacy. Shay Carl, who is known for putting every inconsequential moment of his family’s lives on display for the Internet, still has not released a video explanation for why he left the scene before officers could respond.
Shay Carl was always trying to prove Mormonism did not affect his demeanor.
The Shaytards, who still have not let go of their derogatory self-title, refuse to give in to the growing number of requests to change their name on the grounds that it is not what it looks like. “Shay Carl” loves retards, and viewers say the name comes from an early viral video in which the patriarch chases one of his children around in a leotard.
“Shay Carl was always trying to prove Mormonism did not affect his demeanor, but he came off too happy – too approachable,” said longtime acquaintance Jeremy Hoffstetter, 32.
“It was off-putting. Whenever he came around and was being overly nice, I got worried he was gonna try to push his freaky cult religion on me. You know, Mitt Romney’s a Mormon, too. Think about that.”
The following video demonstrates Shay Carl’s blatant disregard for public safety, as he records himself driving his pregnant wife around in the middle of the night
Fans describe the Shaytards’ YouTube show as being “more real than reality TV,” because of its lack of direct conflict. Some say the Shaytards are the YouTube family they never had.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubladauer, Resident physician for the Internet Chronicle, said celebrity worship is an old social disease.
“People are going to be really upset about their Internet folk hero running someone over,” Troubladauer said. “But what you’re going to have to realize is that while you might love and adore this Tard family – and even consider yourselves to be a ‘Tard – the ‘Tards don’t even know you.”
Troubladauer said society’s distorted view of love and the human condition presents new problems as our heroes, by virtue of the Internet, look more and more like us.
“They appreciate you in the sense that because you watch them, they don’t have to work. But I’m going to be real interested to see how the mom-Tard handles this. I always got the sense she doesn’t want to be on camera, anyway. Women can’t stand anything that even remotely resembles work.”
Lebal Drocer, Inc Security Advisory-0001:
Multiple Cosmic Vulnerabilities in the Universe
Vendor: Gene Ray (http://timecube.com/)
Product: Cubic Time
Versions affected: ALL
Threat Level: Mauve
Cubic Time is a Reality that posits:
"EARTH HAS 4 CORNER
WITHIN SINGLE ROTATION.
1 of God Is Only 1/4 Of God."
Finding 1: Gene Ray’s Cubic Time Reality is Truth, but suffers from a Remote Logic Collision(RLC). This new class of bugs has been pioneered by Lebal Drocer, Inc,’s Chief Security Researcher, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. “From the outsiders perspective, Ray’s Time Cube Reality is the only absolute truth, but after years of analysis of his cryptic, peer-reviewed text and implementing a small simulation of the Time Cube in a isolated setting– I was able to remotely identify a logic collision which could cause catastrophic events.” he says, “I won’t go into how to crash the universe though,” Troubador said with a crooked smile.
“There are, however ways to use RLC vulnerabilities for the good of the universe and, in turn, mankind. One being, if you applied Hawking’s black hole “Apparent Horizon” theory, using it against a rotating XOR cipher with the gravitational constant, the Time Cube would result in a logic collision, leaking “unmangled” data from the black hole. Essentially, the Apparent Horizon/Time Cube RLC attack can be used to “decrypt” lost data from black holes, which Hawking has said was previously retrievable, yet mangled.”
Patch: Vendor contacted, no reply. Go wild, everyone!
Americans are actually RETARDED from
Religious Academia taughtONEism
The ONEist educated with their flawed 1 eye
perspective (opposite eyes overlay) Cyclops
mentality, inflicts static nonpulsatinglogos
as a fictitious queer same sex transformation.
Finding 2: Severe logic flaw in the Time Cube Reality causes cosmic confusion, resulting in Truth segmentation faults to the unaware. Dr. Troubador elaborates, “While Ray’s Time Cube is logically sound at this point, it suffers from a few misconfigurations in its base system of implementation, which can be leveraged to cause a “neuro-modulating Reality slow-torture cluster” to infuse itself into unwitting victims. The logic flaw above shows that Religious Academia teaches oneness, leading to “queer same sex transformations,” which is preposterous, considering God hates fags.”
Patch: Vendor alerted. No response.
Temporary fix/mitigation: Keep reading www.timecube.com for further englightenment.
This advisory has been brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc., your very own safe, secure blanket of protection from all dangerous things known and unknown. Purchase our products and pay for our security update subscriptions now, today!
INTERNET —Old Brutus from chronicle.su Lebal Drocer, Inc. Hate Radio® brings you the sharpest, most scathing review to date of the “vanilla cream” variant of Soda Shaq™. Old Brutus® describes Soda Shaq™ as “a nutritious, all natural health soda offered exclusively by white-owned 7-Eleven® stores.”
Old Brutus said he would like to remind his viewers that he is in no way affiliated with the Internet at large, and added that he thinks the Web is little more than an instrument of terror used by the United States™ Government to instill fear into the hearts of dissident authors.
“The Internet, and that whole thing, I don’t know, man,” Old Brutus® explained. “Once you really think about it, it’s all the same, real life and the Internet, except in real life dissent has far fewer consequences.”
In his third and possibly final review of Soda Shaq, Old Brutus again invoked the spirit of – and infringed upon the copyright to – Joey’s World Tour™ to bring the sale home to the gang®.
This review is wholeheartedly endorsed by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.
Move over Duck Dynasty! And let Pope Primacy take over. In what is being called a “masterful PR campaign,” a new reality TV show, scheduled for MSNBC’s Fall lineup, will spread the message of Pope Francis and help Catholics cope with increased levels of cognitive dissonance beyond what religious people normally feel.
To anyone over 30, recent changes to the Vatican’s public image might be disorienting, even confusing, the Vatican said over Christmas — but Catholics worldwide can rest assured it has nothing at all to do with whitewashing a century of child rape or actually returning to the teachings of Communist Jesus and his crazy ideals (the church has sold him out more than enough).
“He’s a Jesuit,” bloggers say. “They do crazy things like publicly disavowing wealth.”
Catholicism enthusiasts have come forward with original, anonymous, leaked source material to suggest Pope Francis learned to embrace his growing public image.
The “Fresh Pope of Bel-Air” smokes a doobie with adoring fans.
“[The Pope]’s been working out, yeah. He’s changing his image. He not only started a beard [which photos indicate is in fact true], but — and I know you’re not gonna believe this — but, he went out and he got himself a tattoo.”
Written in Olde English calligraphy arching over a holy cross, the tattoo reads, “Thou Shalt Not.”
As excitement for the show “Pope Primacy” winds up, Pope Francis’ producers have begun pushing him to do “weirder and weirder stuff.”
Archbishop Chile Pedley said he is “frankly, very uncomfortable” with what the show creators want Francis to do, but said he’s satisfied with the results.
“They kept asking him to do weirder and weirder stuff,” Pedley said. “First they had him wash a prisoner’s feet, this young offender. I mean, that’s one thing. But recently for the show, they had him hug a severely disfigured man, and I just thought, ‘You guys have gone too far,’ but no — the people loved it. They fucking eat that shit up, apparently.”
Legendary Hollywood producer Phil Spector was overheard saying, “You’re gonna have to do some miracles, here, Francis,” while talking to Francis about the next round of eliminations. “Get on the healin’ train,” he said. “…could be Sainthood for ya, huge ratings… could be Redemption Island. We’ll see how people react to the fact you drive yourself to work.”
Leaked studio footage shows Archbishop Pedley again speaking directly into the camera, telling people he knows of “a guy with a garage full of stuff that the new Pope is gonna love.” Pedley said, “He’s got relics — idols from papal past.”
Thou Shalt Not.
Blogs and YouTube reviewers familiar with reality TV have already come forward to voice concerns they say are rooted in another oversized-cross-wearing icon. Xxfuckedup-247xX said “It’s only a matter of time before we start to recognize the Pope as an empty husk of his former self, who ambles around the house – rambling incoherently – but wisely.”
HOLLYWOOD — Joey’s World Tour is BYAAAAAACK! — To be featured in a Disney Channel Mockumentary entitled Joey Outside the Car. However, the famous Youtube fast food reviewer has been met with stark criticism as his star has risen to new heights, triggering a savage cascade of imitators who are now suffering acute medical conditions stemming from multiple daily fast food reviews.
Joey’s strongest allies, including pundits with the Internet Chronicle, contend that Joey’s genius can not be duplicated.
“There’s just nobody like him,” said columnist Frank Mason. “Nobody can describe a sub-par breakfast burrito quite like Joey can. He’s a genius.”
Angered citizens outraged at the rash of casualties lobbied congress for laws to ban overly sugary drinks. In response to the vocal minority, Rhode Island Del. Tom Sutherland challenged Joey’s allegiance to this great nation (America), and even wrote a bill making sugary drinks completely illegal.
“We’re banning all soft drinks – delicious, swinging, or otherwise – immediately as a matter of public safety and to combat the Socialist homosexual agenda,” Sutherland said. “Joey is a mutant with unnatural eating powers who has been able to heavily influence millions of eaters. Anyway, Joey’s been cheating on his diet. Why’s he always talking about a diet when he’s in a car scarfing down fast food novelty items?”
The corporatist agenda of Joey’s World Tour International is as beneficial to public health as it is overt, according to leading fast food industry experts, most of whom have no official monetary connections to the “food” reviewer, although many – among them, Ted Nugent, Jacob Applebaum and Colonel Sanders – outwardly defend Joey’s patriotism, praising his work.
Dietary-supplement expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador dismissed Sutherland’s claims in the strongest of terms, saying, “There is no unpatriotic genius. Joey is a force of nature, a phenomenon. Joey is a Real American, a God damn genius and a patriot,” Troubador said. “I’ve never witnessed anything like it. But I also never questioned Joey’s Patriotism. Now Shoenice, he wants to love everybody and feed the starving children in every corner of the planet. That’s Marxism. The continued exponential growth of Joey’s World Tour is nothing to be concerned about, although it is true that we see hearts are stopping left and right. But who would blame Joey? Who could? Come on, people. Get your fucking stories straight.”
Mason added, “I give that a solid 10/10 advice from Dr. Troubadaeur. Joey’s World Tour has it all, humor, satire, self-deprecation; it just swings, gang. Go out and watch him on Youtube right now.”
INTERNET – In 1994, critics led by Tipper Gore called for the rare Adults Only ESRB rating of a controversial videogame that encouraged gamers to hack fictional government mainframes and turn over data for points.
Gore’s fears were not misplaced. New evidence suggests Snowden grew up playing certain games against all caution, such as Dissent, for Playstation 1, and Bureau Kombat.
With technological advances vastly exceeding the predictions of Murphy’s Law, gaming has evolved. Whistleblow Auto V gives players realtime access to actual top-tier government agencies using Antisocial Club, the in-game hacker interface connecting gamers to stocks, politicians’ emails and realtime Skype conversations to destroy political enemies before they can react.
As a result of exposure to the influence of violently helpful videogames, Snowden later downloaded what he could en masse, and hand picked the journalists he wanted disseminating it. He chose Laura Poitras because of her hyper-violent access to the mainstream press.
Poitras profited heavily from the Snowden leaks he stole while working as a contractor for the CIA. And as far as Poitras goes, the US Government doesn’t know whether to prosecute her for publishing leaks, or to turn her into the poster child for American capitalism.
As long as The Truth sells, people will buy it. What would we do without access to absolute reality the mainstream press is selling? What would you do without an imagined baseline of morality? What would we do with the truth?
These are all questions Whistleblow Auto V purports to address under the guise of “entertainment.”
New fears of youth organizing have arisen of EA’s proposal to develop Sim Militia, which EA said will be released in a painful series of full-priced DLC that slowly opens new territory and an innovative hate tree similar to the tech trees of Starcraft and Civilization.
INTERNET – The Associated Press is in a buzz over a controversial new review of Soda Shaq, the popular beverage that took the sugary drink market by storm over the summer. CNN called the video “reprehensible” while FOX News ran various clips from the 17 minute video on their morning show Fox And Friends, who praised the closing five minute reading of Glenn Beck’s bestselling classic The Overton Window.
Joey’s World Tour has yet to come forward with their promised shout out, but the undeniable fame of the second installment of The Internet Chronicle drink review of Vanilla Cream Soda Shaq is widely expected by critics to produce unique and satisfying results, including the possibility of a shout-out and Type II diabetes.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour recommends a tall can of Soda Shaq to assist in extended play throughs of the popular new murder simulator Grand Theft Auto V. “I’d even say that if you’re going to stay up all night checking in-game stocks, that you just have yourself a mini-fridge full of the shit,” Troubadour said. “It’s all natural, which, that’s just everything nowadays.”
SODA SHAQ VANILLA CREAM SODA REVIEWED
“I’m Dr. Troubadour, and I approve this website.”
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour
Dr. Troubadour is a real doctor committed to improving well-being and sense of self. Dr. Troubadour, who has your best interests in mind, does not want you to worry about the small stuff. He does not want your money. He just wants you to drink Soda Shaq and chill out, dude.
Dr. Troubadour has helped out on a lot of abortions and is usually pretty cool about it. He does not look his customers in the eye during the process, but sometimes it can’t be helped. He won’t tell your friends or family what you did, and he tries to keep it to himself.
Miley Is Predicted To Devastate Humanity In The Coming Weeks
Miley Cyrus is rumored by the religious elite to be small enough to disintegrate in the atmosphere but experts predict Miley could vaporize so rapidly, she will explode, said MIT physicist Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, creating an electromagnetic pulse so magnificent it will remain in the sky for days, and disable communication systems throughout the southern hemisphere.
“The fumes from the event will block out all sunlight,” Dr. Troubadour said, “and poison those who inhale Miley’s microscopic remains.”
As Voyager left the edge of the Solar System August of last year, the data reported back huge flashes of probability fractals estimated by Benford’s Law to represent the dissolution of Earthly homeostasis.
It’s expected to be a major PR pseudoevent,” said Miley publicist Jake Downer. “Wait till we get those hot photographs of the bits and pieces. We’ll see every last inside – we will see every atom of her body individually. Rumor has it, pictures already hit the torrent sites.”
Teen fan Arianna Simpson waited nearly 14 hours outside the Roanoke Civic Center Friday to see Miley in concert. Arianna said she and her father watched Miley grow up.
“She does a lot more provocative things now, but she still speaks to me, in my heart,” said Arianna.
This article is part 1 in a 1 part series called Miley Analytics
If Miley’s toxic disintegration into the atmosphere does not kill her, then her nudity-enhanced spinout into oblivion could create a miniature black hole rivaling the size and sustainability of those found in the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva.
“Really though, we just wanted to take out the kids, and let them have a good time,” said Arianna’s father Lester Simpson. “They love Hanna Montana, and God knows I sure do.”
Oprah’s new slogan, “Join or Die,” has some supporters scratching their heads.
DAMASCUS, Syria — Philosopher and television star Oprah Winfrey converted every member of her studio audience to Islam Monday during a new show on the O. Network in which she discusses existence and the metaphysical.
Stagehands appeared behind her, burning an American flag and stomping it out on live TV.
“She’s achieved so much in her life,” special guest Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said on the program. “It’s now time for her to become enlightened and share it with the world.”
Each member of Oprah’s studio audience received complimentary mandatory piqabs.
Oprah quietly converted to the “religion of peace,” following the beheadings of several Christians in a Syrian village northeast of Damascus.
The prominence of US-backed al-Qaeda freedom fighters in the region factored into Oprah’s decision to see Allah to victory. As America prepares to launch hellfire missiles into the Godless heart of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s regime, Oprah encouraged Americans to join the one true God, Allah.
Infidels regarded the program with skepticism as Oprah pointed out each lucky audience member, shouting, “AND YOU’RE ISLAMIC, AND YOU’RE ISLAMIC! YOU’RE ALL ISLAMIC!”