INTERNET — Donald Trump took to twitter Monday, tweetstorming fans “My very first executive order will END the chemtrailing across America. #MAGA”
Trump’s controversial tweets were deleted within an hour of posting.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, lead chemtrail engineer under Obama, told reporters, “Geoengineering with chemtrails is the only thing keeping away catastrophic climate change. Yes, it’s costly both to our health, government, and environment, but it’s better than failing farms and outright starvation.”
Trump also tweeted, “I will END autism in America by banning all vaccinations on my very first day in office.” The other day Trump’s transition team tapped famous anti-vaxxer Dr. Oz for Surgeon General.
Trump has critics fearing for their lives with his final tweet, “We have a very special surprise for THE MEDIA, CROOKED HILLARY, and ISIS! #MAGA” suggesting a crackdown on political opponents by associating them with terrorism. Previously, Trump has hinted at the return of internment camps for all Muslims and Mexicans, although this is the first hint that journalists and political opponents will be targets of his totalitarian takeover.
INTERNET — Donald Trump presented Vladimir Putin with a symbolic “reset button” as a gesture of restoration of friendly relations with Russia. After pressing the button at Trump’s tropical Mar-A-Lago resort, the pair grabbed rifles and rode off into Florida’s interior on a fan boat. Returning twelve hours later with twelve alligator corpses, Trump said, “Part of our deal is that Putin’s got to try out my golf course next time.”
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a nearly identical gesture in 2009, which was later proclaimed a horrible failure that only enabled the Russian invasion of Ukraine and the proliferation of advanced Russian weaponry in the middle east.
Donald Trump’s “reset button,” however, is seen as an entirely different gesture since it’s become clear that Russia’s recalcitrant foreign policies will only be encouraged in this manner. Geopolitical relationship counselor Dr. Angstrom Hubert Troubador told Internet Chronicle reporters, “Trump and Putin’s friendship seems unstable. They’re in that honeymoon stage that wears off so quickly, and it’s all founded on mutual interests that are, at best, momentary. They both hate Hillary, sure, but they also love her. Why else are they celebrating and mocking her efforts in this way? She’s the centerpiece of their relationship and it’s just weird and creepy at this point. I’d advise them to stop seeing each other and block one another’s accounts. Putin shouldn’t be reading Trump’s twitter account, either. That’s the only chance they have of ending things amicably at this point, in my professional opinion. It may be the only way to avert a nuclear war.”
INTERNET — After WikiLeaks quietly cancelled Julian Assange’s Ask Me Anything segment on Reddit, WikiLeaks backup spokesperson Sarah Harrison came forward with startling new hacks showing the inside of the Trump campaign. Harrison said nothing to dispel rumors that Assange has been murdered, but fans have begun mourning after hearing the shocking revelations.
The Trump campaign plans to annihilate over 99% of the world’s population on inauguration day. Billions around the world are sick with “the flu” as their bodies have absorbed the proper dose of non-fatal precursor chemicals spread through decades of worldwide chemtrailing. The final catalyst will be sprayed on inauguration day, turning the entire earth into a holocaust death chamber. Only a specially selected group of elites who have taken decades of antidotes will survive. These elites were selected equally from all races in order to ensure a healthy breeding population and avoid genetic sicknesses inherent in such a dramatic population bottleneck. The purpose of the population control chemtrail program is to avert unavoidable famines and cataclysmic nuclear wars that will come even with the most dramatic green energy initiatives and likely leave no survivors.
Analysts have pointed out the bitter irony that Trump publicly stands against racial diversity and green energy, keys to human survival, and that his victory in the presidential election justifies the policy of mass murder for the elites. Sarah Harrison told reporters, “From the point of view of the elites, you asked for this. You voted for this. We published, and now we’re damned.”
INTERNET — Banned Twitter bad boy & right wing homosexual Milo Yiannopoolis held a press conference to announce a reality TV show that will follow his tragic struggle with homosexuality in a grueling gay conversion camp. “I can’t promise that it’ll work, but I hope it does. I want to be cured before I fall victim to disease,” Yiannapoilis said, “But that’s not right. I — I keep forgetting. It’s a choice I’m making. Being gay is wrong.”
Weeping openly as he embraced Pastor Tom Stanley of the Nemelkist Church of Advanced God, Yiannapoulos said, “All this time I’ve been afraid of ISIS taking my freedom and faggotr– I can’t even…appreciate…” Trailing off for several seconds inaudibly, the internet star stared into his phone. Cutting off the pastor’s feeble attempt to break the silence, Milo announced, “To let everyone know I mean it, I’m ebaying my collection of buttplugs!” Photographers wildly jockeyed to get shots as he held up his phone to show that it wasn’t just a prank.
Representatives from Nemelka’s Gay Conversion Ranch were contacted by famed editor emeritus Ol’ Brutus, but they would not comment despite getting the business for over three hours straight. The Nemelkist web site advertises its conversion therapy in infinitely reaching superlatives, “The Nemelkist gay conversion camp uses the most Advanced methods available to science, philosophy, and religion ever devised in the entire history of the universe and through use of an app given to us by advanced human beings, living in the future, we can request incredible, instantaneous brain surgeries which will perfectly heal one’s entire personality upon demand. Nobody leaves without a certificate of Advanced Brain Surgery handed to him or her by the prophet Nemelka himself!”
STOCKHOLM – After months of rigorous study, discussion and thought experiments, researchers from Lebal Drocer Laboratories, a news analysis think tank, concluded in a white paper released Wednesday that “all news is fake news” under a revised definition of the term ‘fake news.’
Fake news is information that is not news, the conclusion states, because no one wants to hear it and it doesn’t bring clicks.
“The words fake and real are falling quickly out of fashion,” said leading news expert Angstrom H. Troubadour, a pioneer in the fake news field of study. “But I’ll tell you this right now, and it’s the truth: There ain’t no such as thing as real news. That real news is a lie. It’s garbage. It’s trash. It’s fake.”
Troubadour gently explained that readerships suffer from fake news, especially that found in print-online publications, where critical facts and narrative-altering details are ignored by TV entertainment news because they simply aren’t true, and have therefore failed to earn their place on the global stage among real news networks such as CNN, FOX News, MSNBC and The Drudge Report.
Because Journalism is the first draft of history.
And history is written by the victors!
USA! USA! USA! CNN! USA! USE! MEXICO! HELP ME OUT! OF MY LOW! SELF ESTEEM! USA! USA! NSA!
I said, damn, that’s good cocaine.
“Now, I don’t need to tell you where to go for the real news,” Doc Trouble said. “I suppose since you’re listening to me, you’re already hearing it. You’re hearing the real news right now – better not be reading it.”
Jake Davis, whose name appears on the Lebal Drocer Labs paper, said fake news can come from anywhere, leading to real confusion.
After Facebook made it acceptable to label unwanted information, a cabal of fake news writers are determined to erode the little bit of integrity left in the journalism field. Even The Internet Chronicle has come under fire from hate groups that seek to tarnish your reality with differing versions of their own. Which reality will win?
Stay tuned to find out the answer to all this and more. Take your TerrorMax, and always be on the lookout for more real fake news from your favorite fake real news site, The Internet Chronicle!
Chronicle.su is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.
INTERNET — New reports, first published by Julian Assange of Wikileaks, show documents containing details of illegal infant gorilla transactions during Cernovich’s “hunting trip” to Namibia this summer. The gorillas, referred to with racial slurs in coded e-mails, were not taken to zoos as promised. Investigators found that no zoos anywhere in the world received any gorillas from Mike Cernovich. The emails suggest the author bought the endangered infants for over seven million dollars, nearly half of the takings from his bestselling novel, Gorilla Mindset.
Monday, Cernovich tweeted accusations that all democrats rape and eat children as part of a widespread soul-absorbing satanism ritual. The self-described “journalist” similarly believes that acting like a gorilla bestows virile power upon practitioners of his belief system. Fans and haters alike wanted to know just why Mike Cernovich, a man who believes in the absorption of souls through rape and murder, is purchasing infant gorillas that have mysteriously disappeared from the market.
Criminal Psychologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “Isn’t it obvious? There’s enough evidence to convict him but they won’t, not now that Trump’s in power. This is a man who raped and then ate infant gorillas, an endangered species. He probably ate their balls raw in some protein milkshake after pumping iron. I mean we don’t know he did it, but he did it. I mean you know it. Or think about it for a bit, doesn’t it make sense? Doesn’t at least one or two bits of the mountain of evidence ring true? The creep thinks he has magic gorilla powers and can just accuse anyone of baby raping and get away with it. Just trying to cover his tracks, I say. Many are saying he even penetrates his ass with the gorilla’s intestines, full of gorilla feces, calling them ‘hotdogs’ in his twisted e-mail code. He grills them and eats them afterwards. Disgusting, eh? I’ve read his e-mails, all of them. You and I both know WikiLeaks has never, will never, simply cannot tell a lie. They’re vetted. They’re Real News, not Fake. And let me tell you, if it is true, he’s one sick fucker. This is the kind of behavior that even Freud couldn’t analyze. If there is a hell, this creep is going straight to Harambe for an eternity of justice.”
NEW YORK – Inhabitants of planet Earth knelt before the omnipotent ruler of everything Tuesday, EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON, our new benevolent master.
EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON is pleased to announce the creation of a SPAWNING POOL from His dimension, which experts believe will play a crucial role in the new, mandatory 60-hour work week scheduled immediately.
New bylaws introduced by Arbiter of Order EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON restrict unpleasant behaviors such as thievery, busking or begging.
All criminals are now subject to the correctional brutality of a furnace of rotating gears, shafts, cranks and pistons that grind these toxic people into dust and reconstitute them into poison gas for healing the rest of our planet of dangerous biological impurity.
Citizens fawn and celebrate their beautiful New Leader, entertaining not so much as the thought of resisting Him.
EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON warmly greeted an audience from atop his throne of rare pygmy bones, and consumed his strongest supporters with fervor and grace. Applause ripped through the auditorium and surged across a sea, flooding Haiti.
Haiti resolutely sacrificed themselves in His Honor. EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON uttered his catchphrase: “DEATH TO ALL NONBELIEVERS!”
Thank you, Haiti.
HAIL EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON
This article is brought to you proudly by EMPEROR LORD SOVCHRON. Death to all nonbelievers.