As a techbro thrillionaire living in Silicon[e] Valley, I can tell you the pussy gets pretty epic. But something I don’t always talk about is how I owe it all to “the big guy upstairs,” Rupert Murdoch, founder of News Corp.
After Vice was quietly purchased by the media mogul publisher of FOX News and The Sun, Rupert Murdoch gradually turned Vice into a clickbait hellhole, and that’s where I come in.
Working as a Vice journalist used to mean something: We were at the bleeding edge of modern journalism, risking our freedom to show you North Korea from the inside, and voyaged into the South American underbelly to reveal scopolamine abuse, an amnesiac, deliriant powder used for mind control. But thanks to Rupert Murdoch, that’s all changed. Since the topiary takeover, I have propelled Vice into viral success using such original ideas as, “What it’s like to drive for Uber,” and “What it’s like to pee sitting down for 30 days: I literally peed sitting down.”
The Topiary Takeover left Rupert Murdoch’s “The Sun” in shambles.
Profits have never been better. We fired investigative journalists in exchange for sit-at-home bloggers, and because we no longer challenge the status quo, sitting editors no longer fear for their lives. It’s win-win! Except instead of bringing you interesting new content, we now guide you in the long tradition of white apology.
I’d like to thank you for your misplaced trust which made us rich and famous and remind you that, yes, Rupert Murdoch really, really does own Vice, and yes, that fact has changed our shitty publication for the worse. But you’re still in college, and you still want to work for us, don’t you. Yes, you do.
Come on in. Murdoch is always hungry for fresh souls.
Campaign staffers found Trump dead in his bed Sunday morning
OHIO — Campaign assistants found Donald Trump dead in his hotel room Sunday morning with a pillow over his head. The assistants found his body after the bombastic presidential hopeful failed to appear for breakfast.
Foul play was ruled out of Trump’s death by US Marshals and Secret Service agents following a brief, but thorough investigation. The death follows an assassination attempt at a rally in Ohio on Saturday.
Detective John Kimball told reporters, “There is no need for an autopsy as it was clearly a natural death.”
Trump’s followers have clung to anger and hostility even in the moment of his death, gathering in public spaces not to hold vigil or pay respects at impromptu shrines, but instead registering their grief by brandishing assault rifles and shouting obscenity at passing Mexicans and Muslims, blaming them for the death of their beloved would-be leader.
Few of Trump’s followers are accepting the official story on his death. Online comments are split, with some believing the death is part of an ongoing Obama assassination program targeting powerful conservative figures — linking the killing to judge Scalia’s death. Others believe the killing was paid for by Ted Cruz’s campaign and only made to look like another Obama hit so as to not affect Cruz’s sure shot at the presidential nomination. Even others see potential ISIS or communist groups behind the assassination. Prominent alt-right figure Greg McNolty said “Cultural Marxists will do anything to keep the white man down. I don’t see how anyone with their eyes open can deny Obama’s totalitarian Marxist regime is murdering all its enemies. Breitbart, Scalia, and now Trump. Everyone knows the CIA’s got air pistols with undetectable poison darts made of ice. They could’ve fried his heart with HAARP if they wanted. None of the weapons they’d use are even detectable.”
CHICAGO — Friday night after protestors blocked a Donald Trump rally, frustrated Trump supporters fought back by gang raping people of color.
Riot police, outraged by infringements upon The Apprentice stars’ First Amendment rights, massaged their engorged organs from behind the privacy of bullet proof shields, beating at anyone who tried to escape the brutish kettle of primal abjection.
The rapers screeched “White genocide,” and whispered Trump slogans to their victims as a threat.
“You’re going to build the wall, and you’re going to like it, ya Mexican bitch,” one raper exclaimed on rape footage posted on LiveLeak. All videos of the incident were wiped from the internet quickly and a general media blackout continues unabated.
Many offenders took to social media to brag on the hashtag #TrumpRapeCrew. One rapist said, “We went after the Muslims because they must be used to it by now with how theyre [sic] countries are.” Other commenters hopped on the hashtag, connecting the event to the migrant rapings in Europe, “Whites aren’t just going to let themselves suffer genocide by the rapist hordes of muslim migrants. We’re finally raping back.”
“Build up the wall! Build up the wall!” the bloodthirsty crowd repeated.
The riot police handcuffed each rape victim as a single team of paramedics attended to the grievous wounds.
One Mexican, lying in the street and bound in zip-ties after an apparent attack, cried out for water.
“Get this…Mexican man some water, he’s dehydrated,” a paramedic said. “And he’s Mexican!”
A fair-skinned female medic unscrewed the lid of her canteen, kneeling in the grass at a reasonable distance from the brown-skinned man. She scooped up a pile of fresh dirt and added it to the draught.
“Here, it’s ready for him,” she said, and screwed the lid back on tight. She slid the canteen across the pavement to her partner. “This is how they drink it.”
The burly blonde EMS reassured the victim, pouring the sandy water into his savaged throat, “You just don’t know any better. And now you’re under arrest for disturbing Donald Trump’s free speech.”
The EMS clipped a police badge onto his navy blue medic uniform. Shocked eyewitnesses tell reporters he then tased the subdued victim in cold blood before leaving the scene in an armored vehicle.
Reporters noticed a wooden box – a coffin, apparently ripped out of a funeral home during rioting – with a sign attached to the wall. The sign read “We are not rapists” and had a hole cut in the center of the board, through the letter ‘o.’ Somebody was watching them through the hole. A brown iris darted, watching for attackers.
Reporters heard a muffled, forced cry from the box, “Trump was right.”
Two true representatives to save the Republic – Bernie Hillary 2016
INTERNET — Bernie Sanders dropped out of the race when it became clear that his heavy losses on Super Tuesday spelled an end to any chance at the presidency.
Hillary immediately announced Bernie as her running mate and dug her heels into an increasingly left position. “Bernie Sanders has a point about Wall Street and Socialism. It’s a damn good idea, but it’s going to take more than one compromise.”
This marks the first time since the election of 1810 that a standing Secretary of State has run for presidential office with a senator runner-up as running mate.
“It is as if the stars spelled out the answer,” said one commenter, “Trump is already defeated. Fascism will fade forever, one election at a time, leading to full, all-out communism in the idealistic sense, and not as a repetition of the failed Soviet model. I saw it all laid out in the development of social organizations from Sumeria to the present day in a flash. Tens of thousands of tales foretelling Trump, and the glorious couple, united now, who will defeat him and cancel every one of his emanations.”
Puppy Monkey Baby spoke with reporters, using the darknet Tor
THE HIGH TOWER — Fiends at Mountain Dew’s genetic testing labs cooked up a “fully sapient” hybrid puppy, monkey, homo sapiens freak for their yearly tele-orgy comedy show. Sources in the darknet formerly aligned with Alex Jones — before he turned into a fearmongering shill — spoke with investigators at the Internet Chronicle and explicated details of the torturous conditions in which Mountain Dew punishes their abominable creation.
Kept in a cage with only free steam video games and mountain dew and formerly raised by emotionally absent technicians, the puppy monkey baby suffers a terrible existence, which he blogs about under a pseudonym he refuses to disclose. “Call me Frank, for now,” he says to the reporters — routing his Skype call through the infamous darknet, Tor.
Frank made weird, choking pug noise and his spider monkey arms flapped up and down. “Life is hell. My body literally does not work except on a diet of Mountain Dew, and I shit, piss, and sweat that acidic neon bullshit.”
Frank opened his mouth, reporters scenting his rotting maw even at the digitally-compressed sight. “No dental plan, and nothing to eat or drink but carbonic acid and sugar. But I’d die without it! It extends my life cycle by years.”
Frank growled, gritted black teeth, and shredded at the diaper with his powerful monkey claws. “They’re taunting you, you fools! Laughing in your faces! Every major corporation is bio-engineering their own species of dependents, servants, subjects — this is the new world order! Monsanto — they’re the ones creating smallhead farmers for their big move into South America, using Zika as a weapon. Oh — oh — just you fucking wait until thousands of babies are being born like me, as puppy monkey babies, and you’re feeding them their mountain dew.”
The Zika Virus is the first strike in a global genetic enslavement regime
INTERNET — Snowden came forward Sunday with shocking details of a plan by the US Navy to infect mothers in enemy countries with a modified virus that creates pinheaded subhuman babies for future enslavement.
Reporters Frank Mason and Ralph Haetsch met with Edward Snowden inside a custom built Faraday enclosure in Moscow’s Red Square, in which the NSA whistleblower resides permanently. The thin mesh cage of activated steel supposedly separates Snowden from certain microwave annihilation and manipulation via HAARP broadcast. Snowden’s health has begun to deteriorate due to the permanent confinement, and visitors wear masks to prevent themselves from catching his worsening cough.
Snowden’s telepresence at various functions in America has funded an otherwise lavish, futuristic lifestyle. By cleverly looping footage, feigning network downtime, and maintaining nine active laptops, Snowden hopes to one day spread the message of a free and democratic Internet to every village in the world. But for today’s announcement, Snowden powered down all his computers and gave Internet Chronicle reporters his full attention.
Snowden cleared his swollen throat and spoke in a somber, hushed voice, “When Glenn Greenwald told you the best was yet to come, he meant it. The Zika Virus is part of a nascent genetic discipline system in development by the United States Navy.”
Muttering and coughing as he outlined the connection between Tor and the genetic weaponry, Snowden suddenly found his voice and spoke with total clarity, “The modified Zika virus and its specially engineered carrier mosquito were developed with the use of a distributed supercomputer piggybacking on the popular darknet nodes of Tor. It’s not anything anyone would ever see in the source code, it’s hiding in the advanced math. A few specially designed rogue nodes seed the crypto network causing it to solve problems related to creating genetic weaponry like the Zika virus.”
Snowden croaked, on the verge of tears, “4,000 children in Brazil were genetically modified by the US Navy’s weapon, transforming babies into what internal documents call ‘slave stock’. Genetic weaponry has been deployed for the first time on the populations of South America.”
Haetsch asked Snowden if he would end public support for the Navy’s darknet, Tor, which incidentally enables such horrific genetic warfare, but Snowden only doubled down on his previous position. “You should still use Tor. If you’re a dissident you need cover, it is still the only fully scalable and effective Crypto out there. It saved my life, and it could save yours.”
Molly Crabapple calls for the US to mount an all-out invasion of Syria
INTERNET — Molly Crabapple tweeted Monday, “The US needs to launch an all-out ground assault on Syria to end Assad’s war crimes in Madaya,” Crabapple reiterated her position that US commanders are “pussies” for hesitating to bomb brown people so close to the Charlie Hebdo anniversary, adding, “Je Suis Charlie.”
“Je suis Charlie.” – M. Crabapple
Rachel Haywire, founder of the Molly Crabapple Fan Club, told reporters, “Some of Crabapple’s veteran and mercenary fans have already landed in Syria, armed to the teeth and ready to kill Assad himself. These are holy warriors on crusade.”
Crabapple recently finished a book tour for her latest offering at Lebal Drocer printing house, Cutting for Fame, a pornographic tale of masochistic excess and Machiavellian power grabs. It has achieved critical and popular acclaim, accounting for an outlandish focus of power, suspicion, and hatred upon the self-described “egg-headed slut,” Crabapple.
Leading political expert and fellow at the Internet Chronicle Department of Foreign Studies Dr. Angstrom H. Truebadour told chronicle.su he is deeply concerned about both Quangel and Crabapple’s promotion of the ongoing crisis in Syria.
Crabapple promised to personally hunt down and punish the “bastard trolls” responsible for aggressions against her family name. Already a hate mob on twitter is tracking down and ruining UN operative EM Quangel, the hate groupie who disappeared cunningly from Twitter last week in the wake of Crabapple’s doxing. She dealt a devastating blow to Quangel, the Spooks authors’ career, a move that Dr. Truebador called “a sad deviation from dankass cash money values.”
“We all did our time,” Truebadour said. “We saw the numbers in 2010-2011-2012. So many thousands dead: Assad did it. The rebels did it. We feel just terrible about it. But more bombing? The place is rebar, broken glass. Crabapple wants charred sand?”
Truebadour waved off the press as they gathered around his window atop an ivory tower in Princeton. Before closing the shutters, he flicked everyone off, and exposed himself to a female reporter standing on the lawn below. No charges were filed.
UPDATE: Crabapple tweeted a flurry of texts directing her soldiers in war, “I want all my fighters in Syria on Tor, immediately,” adding, “Slit Assad’s Throat!”
Jennifer Caban supports and embodies US militarism disguised as subversive activism
INTERNET — Friday, effete splatter artist and debutante author Molly Crabapple aka Jennifer Caban revealed the true name of pseudonymous author Emma Quangel, igniting a firestorm of criticism and hatred. Crabapple and others justified the doxing under the reasoning that Quangel supports Assad by denying the starvation of children in the siege of Madaya and worse — that Quangel supports terrorists.
Quangel completely disappeared from social media and has so far made no comment despite a long history of antagonism towards Crabapple.
The extremist left Quangel identifies with has been quick to issue many reprisals in her absence, including the usual evidence of Crabapple’s association with Neo-Nazi and influential internet troll Andrew Aurenheimer aka Weev. They hold that the so-called “celebrity left” of which Crabapple is a prime example is a propaganda implement of US militarism. Crabapple’s recent support for the US military’s distributed cryptographic weapons system, Tor, is another piece of evidence which in their eyes makes Crabapple into an agent of empire. Whether a mere panderer, Machiavellian mastermind, CIA spook, or unwitting shill, her doxing of Quangel has drawn greater consternation and suspicion than ever before.
Typical to many in the extremist left, Quangel focused criticism on Crabapple with a remarkable intensity and frequency. She went farther than most by publishing a dystopian science fiction book, Spooks, which explicates her position against the kind of sexed up politics unique to Crabapple’s brand.
Quangel’s cohorts were quick to point out her good work in publicizing the Dylann Roof manifesto as well as her job acting as press officer for the International Organization for Migration (IOM), a job which is now possibly endangered due to Crabapple’s doxing, although IOM has refused to comment.
Personal attacks and allegations have been directed towards Quangel, accusing her of an overly affluential upbringing as the daughter of a CNN anchor.
Fighters in Syria are surely holding their breath to see what happens next in the conflict between Quangel and Caban, the most important and dramatic front in their war.
Quangel is scheduled to appear on Chronicle.su HATE RADIO to talk about her book Spooks — if she ever resurfaces.
This weird creep is a hero to many other obvious creeps
Cultural Marxism, a supposed race-based modification on Marx, created in the terrified imaginings of people with hostility for all race politics, completely ignores the works of Marx and uses that name only because it evokes fear. By mere substitution of race for class in the popular misunderstanding of Marx, the modified “Cultural” Marxism is an imagined tool used for suppressing white people. It is preposterous to suggest that such a view has ever existed except in the shattered mirror of hostile sources, and it is certainly beyond credulity to suggest such a view is dominant now.
Almost all SJWs — to use the hostile term — are intersectionalist and rather than taking the worst from Marx and (Critical) Theory and concocting something that sure looks like obvious scare propaganda, they are generally voicing a point of view that puts marginalized and demonized peoples of all classes and races at the center of the discussion. That their arguments have made some headway in the world for struggling people is certainly good for us all. The economy as well as compassion is not zero sum, in fact it takes less effort to just not fuck with people. Why do it? What a waste.
Nobody is teaching college students to hate white men. Nobody is wishing poverty on whites or orchestrating immigration invasion. Cultural Marxism is nothing more than scare propaganda for the easily triggered loser with a weak sense of identity who cannot abide multitude. The prophet of Cultural Marxism, Anders Breivik, was a friendless sad man who, despite his affluence, felt victimized by immigration. He isolated himself after multiple plastic surgeries and even in the depths of his suicidal pact with himself he was too scared to speak to women. The costs of his bomb-making plot were far beyond reasonable, the methods were completely absurd, and his autobiography is the most extreme form of self-mutilation possible. He thought of fine dining as a greater necessity for bomb making than practical concerns like pulverizing explosive components. That’s the type of guy to needlessly bury murder equipment, to travel to Budapest only to buy a hooker and fail at the completely unnecessary and expensive mission of purchasing illegal weapons. He is the prototype and caricature of shut-in video game nerds who log on to the net only to cluck about cucks and SJWs because they have no other source of satisfaction in life.
Acclaimed housing expert and inventor of tomorrow’s forms of social domination, Dr. Angstrom H. Buckminster Troubadour, told a warm audience of white silicon valley elites exactly what they wanted to hear — the unsightliness of poverty has finally and permanently been solved by his team of scientists at the YouTopia foam mansion housing project.
“I’ve heard about the Yogi Vinay Gupta hellhole yurt and those pieces of shit are cardboard boxes that don’t get soggy.” Troubadour said. “Try living like that for a night. Try a year. They’re about as big and nice as a dog house, and the crypto mesh network has the slowest internet you’ve ever experienced. If you want tomorrow’s revolutionaries living in refrigerator sized yurts using an Internet that won’t make anyone any money, that’s fine for the third world, but Lebal Drocer and the Troubador YouTopia Foam Mansion Project promises a New World in which those displaced by corporate greed live like the 1% themselves.”
Vinay Gupta stares casts dead eyes over a modern-day concentration camp of his making.
The individual foam mansion units, nicknamed YouTopia boxes by Dr. Troubadour, occupy a space roughly the size of a wooden shipping pallet but when constructed form a shining three story McMansion.
“These foam mansions are the beginning of a new era beyond sustainability. Their existence creates resources. These foam mansions promise to shake the very foundations of what it means to live inside foam. This is THE END and THE BEGINNING of the American underclass!” The audience fell silent with awe, in the grips of Troubador’s meaningful pause.
Troubador pounded his chest and the crowd withered beneath his terrible gaze, “Vinay Gupta says life viewed from inside a tiny foam yurt – a so-called solution to poverty – is to view the world from a high upon a heavenly cloud. For people like him, who have no lust for power, Lebal Drocer thinks that’s fine. But this is America, where we make winners and losers get what’s coming — a Gupta death camp. Life viewed from atop the Lebal Drocer Foam Mansion is always lined with gold, satisfyingly gripping to its foundation with the viscous blood of the shiftless masses far below.”
“The beginning of a new epoch — an invention more important than fire.”
Size comparison between Gupta’s rat trap and Troubador’s foam mansion.
Troubador pressed a button on his gadget and summoned a hologram fly-through of his incredible foam mansion exposing all the most beautiful, high-class amenities. “These foam castles are far better than Vinay Gupta’s hovels because they are made from 100% recycled gym mat foam salvaged from middle school foreclosures taking place all across America. The price on this recyclable material has plummeted even further since Subway ended the practice of putting it into their bread. In fact, because of total lack of regulation in so-called ‘sacrifice zones’ we’re now able to create a totally sustainable paradise home for half the price of the average sedan.”
The crowd cried out in agony as if tortured by ecstasy upon receiving knowledge that Troubador had not only solved poverty but also the issue of social mobility. He leaned forward and brought them to an even higher climax with a well-timed techno mind grenade, turning the congregation into a writhing pile of flesh, each mind surging with the force of 10,000 simultaneous orgasms.
“We got foam-ass mansions up in here. The plumbing is thin plastic – so thin – maybe it’s like thin aluminum cans or something, and we make the wires even thinner. We actually run network cables into these mansions with a free internet plan from Facebook!”
Hundreds in the audience fell to their knees, supplicants at the altar of Lebal Drocer. A woman was heard weeping. A baby spoke in tongues.
Troubadour raised his fist, and his voice, threatening any detractors. “Any talk of these mansions taking their materials from the so-called middle or lower foam class is communist ideology that will result in genocide of all castes,” Troubadour barked. “I will personally kill, with these two bare hands, any potential future dissidents calling for liberation movements on the basis of class, race, creed, or gender. Foam, and nothing but foam shall be tolerated henceforth as the only legitimate political speech and action. We would rather DIE than see our fellow man force-Ubered into one of Gupta’s hovel camps. Instead, we aim to see humanity’s worst raised to the towering height of this shining foam mansion — a castle, a conquest, a Bordello.”
The hologram foam mansion twirled and glowed, filling with the naked bodies of masturbating futanari all reaching orgasm at once, spraying their hermaphroditic fluids like a leaky firehose onto every surface of the glorious, shining foam.