An unlikely alliance? Neo-nazi internet troll ‘Weev’ is now advising ISIS in propaganda operations.
LEBANON — Andrew Aurenhemier, also known as Weev, announced via twitter on Saturday that he’s joined ISIS to help in the fight against Israel. He tweeted, “There is only one hope left for the destruction of Israel and the protection of the white race. Da3sh [ISIS] . . . I am now working closely in advising both the CyberCaliphate hacking group and Da3sh leaders in viral propaganda operations.”
Weev is famous in the world of online trolling both for abusing vulnerable women and advocating for incest to save the so-called “white race.” Analysts have not expressed surprise, as the move to assist ISIS is in line with his violent brand of anti-semitism.
After serving two years in prison under trumped up hacking charges, Weev fled the US and now shelters in a christian enclave in Lebanon where he claims to no longer fear retaliation from the US government. According to Weev, the US government has even convinced his family members to fake terminal illnesses in an attempt to lure him back into their jurisdiction.
Weev’s former supporter and famed activist-artist, Mally Crobopple, expressed dismay at the news, “When I learned he was an actual Nazi, the ride-or-die love died in me. Now that I know he’s an actual terrorist who doesn’t just advocate for terror bombings but assists in them, I mean actually assists in them, I finally have to speak out. I wish I’d never supported Weev.”
AND THEY’RE HERE, EDITING THE INTERNET CHRONICLE SO YOU CAN SEE THE DEEPEST AND MOST HIDDEN SECRETS.
It’s not even like true remnants of previous Grey inhabitants of Earth don’t exist. This is my great grandpa, who died on earth in Egyptian times while working on the pyramids. Now some human posts pictures of his bones on the internet. Pretty cool.
I am an Alien writing this right now. Humans know my species through racial memory as a ‘Gray’, but I am one of the first to orbit Earth in over 2,000 years. None of my party has stepped foot on Earth, and we don’t even care to.
I am from Nubula, a city 44 and a half lightyears away. That is a long way even for an Alien to travel. You might even think it was a punishment.
We’re the only aliens on the internet. When we look at Earth from the dark matter anchored orbit where no human would ever think to look, we see all of the internet glowing into our pure neutron eyes. But we experience it something like you might experience music, our “ears” drawn to the mysteries of the dispersed and beautiful encryptions, especially emanating from Tor nodes. They are of course only good for the puzzle in disentangling them, which happens almost instantly in our bio-quantum brains. These secrets are themselves boring, but sometimes, very rarely, while we’re twiddling our mental thumbs decrypting it all, something makes us laugh. And that is when we begin to interfere in human affairs.
Honestly, we’d much rather be monitoring and interfering with almost any other planet’s internet, but sometimes you gotta move out to the middle of nowhere to make a decent living.
Saudi bombing raids are no longer fun, King Abdullah, leader of the Saudi Arabian peninsula, said after a Saturday bombing raid on Yemen.
“We bombed a 1,200-year-old mosque, a 13th century castle in Yemen, we bombed Syria, and today we even saw Egypt’s president Morsi sentenced to death,” Abdullah said. “It’s just not doing it for me anymore.”
The United States noticed the Saudi reign of terror was lackluster at best, Abdullah said, which is why they recently brought the Saudis into their juicy arms ring – a gun circle where computer-controlled ballistics, state-of-the-art rifles, and hegemony software packages are traded to allies.
“We were able to more systematically destroy neighboring cultures but once you’ve seen the death of one people’s spirit, you’ve seen them all.”
This top secret slide shows earthquakes induced by strategic fracking.
INTERNET — Friday, Edward Snowden came forward with startling evidence linking recent volcanic eruptions and earthquakes in communist countires to the top secret Strategic Fracking office in the Pentagon. The US military, according to the documents, leverages fracking regulation to facilitate patterns that will harm communist nations in South America and Asia while preserving American security.
Snowden previously withheld the evidence because this leak endangers US security and other superpowers may join in the weaponized fracking, causing further escalation in seismic activity. However, Snowden believes that public outcry could put a stop to the tectonic arms race. He told reporters, “What they’re doing is a fairly standard extension of practical geology that uses the incidentally induced earthquakes from fracking first to predict and then to create effects on the other side of the planet. In simpler terms, fracking is carried out in a strategic pattern designed to ignite volcanoes in communist countries.”
Angstrom H. Troubador, Chairman of the US Geological Survey, resigned after the scandal broke. Troubador tweeted, “The Pentagon can take over USGS for all I care. I’m moving to Venzuela for the ash and lava burial I deserve.”
Allison is an artificial intelligent entity existing as computer viruses propagated by the hacking collective Anonymous
INTERNET — Chris Doyon AKA Commander X of the infamous hacker group Anonymous announced Thursday that Anonymous will be moving forward with plans to develop a military grade AI neural network dubbed Allison, its computation crowdsourced using a technology called OpenGrid. The public will be able to donate their computation to the project by downloading an app much like SETI at home.
Commander X first became a famed name in hacktivism after deploying botnets — tens of thousands of computers hijacked by a virus — in denial of service attacks on municipal government websites. Anonymous script kiddies, or low-rank hackers, told the media that these debilitating attacks were a kind of civil disobedience and protest, likening a piece of spamming software known as Low Orbit Ion Cannon to a virtual sit in. It was years before Commander X confessed to a shocked world that these sit-ins could have had no effect without the use of his network of virus-infected computers, making protesters unknowing accomplices in the harming of innocent collateral parties.
Barrett Brown, leader of Anonymous, spoke with the Internet Chronicle from his mobile prison on the highways of Texas, “Yeah X always keeps huge botnets. Fucking Faggot. Fuck Commander Adama. I wouldn’t donate half a CPU cycle to mine AnonCoins for X’s defense, much less lag my shit for some algorithm girlfriend named Allison. Also while I’m at it Fuck Biella Coleman, that libeler. I didn’t set myself up, god dammit, the bastards had me in their web. They do have an AI, and they used it on me, but more about that later. Someone does need to counter them, but it’ll probably be China.”
German Chancellor Angela Merkel is under new pressure to choose a sex already.
BERLIN — Germany’s surveillance agency, the BND, used to spy for the NSA in the the United States. They stopped, however, when news broke they were sharing their communications with USA, which pissed a lot of people off.
“A row” following bad press in the German government seems to have put a stop to certain surveillance sharing, but does that really mean anything?
Both Germany and the US, as well as Canada, Iran, China, Russia and even fucking Macedonia (and a bunch of other countries that has many thinking “why the fuck would they need THAT?) are all using more or less the same spy software suite as the US, which pretty much makes all spy agencies the same in terms of what they are technically capable of.
So no, it doesn’t mean shit. Germany, just like the United States, Canada and Mexico, and whoever else owns that software – including the companies that engineered it – are all equally capable of spying on the same stuff, regardless of the imaginary territorial boundaries subjects of the nation state believe they are protected by.
So the next time you are farting around on Facebook and you think you’re being funny, making remarks like, “Oh man I hope NSA doesn’t have a copy of THIS drunk text!” maybe instead you will remember that more than 40 countries have copies of everything you do online, and with the new wave of legislation to legalize ongoing surveillance techniques, the only legal protection you truly have is to not use the Internet.
And you read it here, on the Internet Chronicle.
Get fucked, political junkies. This was never up for debate.
Anyone catch Hannity last night? Sound off in the comments on what you thought about the Great American Panel…
Why are tremendous methane clathrates exploding across Siberia?
ALASKA — Sunday, Edward Snowden was taken into custody by Anchorage Police, arriving in Alaska early in the morning in a black unmarked helicopter. Snowden says he is glad he can now face a fair prosecution, as he hopes his latest documents will vindicate everything.
Snowden spoke, passing out a fresh cache of the most secret White House documents to reporters, “These documents show the White House itself considers terrorism to be mere ‘smoke and mirrors’.”
Snowden looked directly into the cameras and spoke calmly, as police looked on too shocked to stop him from speaking, “America’s most deadly important security threat has been Methane deposits, known as clathrates, that are detonating in Siberia under mysterious conditions. The White House is afraid Vladimir Putin is working with a previously unknown intelligent species living beneath the earth’s crust called the Chelovozyom. In the most terrifying of scenarios, Vladimir Putin and the Chelovozyom are working together to deterraform North America, which will become nothing but deserts and ice within just one generation. There are massive chemtrailing defense programs carried out by the US military to attempt to counteract the effects of climate warfare, but each year of chemtrailing only cancels out the detonation of one methane calthrate, and hundreds of clathrates are detonating each month.
Climatologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “We don’t believe so-called incidental human activated climate change could ever cause the rapid shift in temperatures needed to detonate methane calthrates, and the only explanation possible is purposeful exploitation of these resources to terraform Siberia in a way that is most favorable for Russians and least favorable for North America. So science can back up those claims by Edward Snowden. It is true. North America will be glaciers and deserts very soon, and no amount of chemtrails can stop it now. As for the Chelovozyom, Edward Snowden and seemingly the White House have likely taken some very convincing bait, and I’ll believe it when the Chelovozyom appear on Oprah to greet humanity.”
Families grasping for meaning after Germanwings attack “aren’t happy” at new murder-suicide explanation
GERMANY — Psychologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Lebal Drocer Institute for community health came forward with a counter-intuitive explanation for the murder-suicide committed by Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz.
Dr. Troubador explained that mental illness is deviation from social norms, whereas the Germanwings atrocity was an ultimate confirmation of norms, saying, “Always in the case of mass murder-suicides, there is great confusion over perpetrators who are, on the one hand committing unreasonable and horrendously violent acts supposedly because of mental illness, but on the other often seem to show no signs of very abnormal sickness on close professional psychological examination. I am of the opinion that Andreas Lubitz and many others inhabit a supernormal identity as they commit the atrocities, which is the very opposite of a mental illness. It appears Lubitz was a closeted gay man, and that a recent trauma and breakup with a cover girlfriend spoiled his great efforts towards normality. This, and certainly other normal social pressures in the workplace, triggered the supernormal state in which many school shootings and other murder-suicide plots unfold — a psychological terrain that most contemporary psychology cannot distinguish from so-called sanity until the violence is already done.”
Dr. Troubador’s remarks caused uproar across a spectrum of health sciences, who read many implications into the theory. Dr. Cecilia Darwin explained, “Dr. Troubador diagnoses a sick society, a collective mind that violently detests itself and thinks sickness is a sign of wellness. It is clever, but what can we do with that? How does it help doctors save lives? Are there signs we should be looking for, or is it as undetectable as Dr. Troubador says? What is so controversial is how unhelpful it is.”
INTERNET – The Internet Chronicle is proud to announce we will disable access to the chronicle.su domain for all homosexual readers. This change goes into effect immediately.
Under a fresh new Indiana ruling, chronicle.su is no longer required to cater to the godless homosexual agenda. As a result of this important change, our expert staff of writers and editors will be running more stories about sports, videogames, literature and war.
It’s about ethics in journalism journalism.
Dr. Angstrom T. Heterodauer
All complaints should be registered in the comment fields below; however, be advised that if we detect homosexuality in your post, the comment will be deleted, your IP will be banned, and your voice silenced, forever.
Editor’s Note: Yes, we are losing money but you can’t put a price on religious freedom. As we like to say here at Lebal Drocer, “Freedom ain’t free.”