Poison Ivy humiliates thousands of men in her spare time
INTERNET — A 17 year old e-dominatrix known as ‘Poison Ivy’ has been faced with a discriminating and misogynistic campaign to shame her for humiliating hundreds of young men.
This story began when a youtube video, since removed due to a violation of a “policy on nudity or sexual content,” shows an impassioned young man, ‘MarsRPG,’ demonizing Poison Ivy for ‘abusive’ behavior and calling her a psychopath who must be stopped. Since then, trashy publications such as the Daily Mail have repeated this narrative in whole — along with the false allegation that Poison Ivy wants men to kill themselves. There is no evidence that she has ever asked someone to commit suicide, or that anyone has ever committed suicide on account of her sadomasochistic internet schtick. Her following of masochistic young men continue to enjoy her sadistic excesses in spite of the smear campaign, as hundreds of new fans follow her twitter and send in self-denigrating photos.
The Internet Chronicle officially endorses Poison Ivy’s hilarious antics. Those who don’t are probably this man:
Guest writer Christopher Nemelka explains the true inner workings of his teachings
As we play the game of mortal life our Advanced Selves often become immersed in what is ultimately a Lone and Dreary World. I’ve withheld some of the most incredibly revealing secrets until this point in time. But now that it is clear that salvation will never come to man, there is no use in holding back the most powerful truths ever given over to man. That is why I’ve joined with the Internet Chronicle to publicize this massive new truth that will shock and shatter the world and all existing power structures.
When I joined Anonymous and attached The Humanity Party to Anonymous through the Voice of Anonymous character, that shit went viral. I felt like I was onto something and could deliver utopia with the simple solution of merely promising a solution. But this didn’t go anywhere. I knew it couldn’t. In fact, the light that this gesture shed on my bankrupt teachings led my disciples and even my family to leave my side. Since then, I’ve quit Anonymous and been busy blogging. My following is falling apart. I cannot keep it together. I ordered my followers to deliver me all their mortal property and no one even showed up. I want to run away to California or Hawaii, have some Ultimate Sex with some babes. Before I get in my RV and head for the coast, I ought to tell everyone the whole truth. I feel like I should tag this with a spoiler alert because it will tell you who we really are and why we really exist.
Humanity is doomed. Or I should say was doomed. We’re all dead already, we just don’t know it. Those few chosen messengers who have been given the truth, given the Urim and Thummim, as I have, know that humanity will all but die out in the next hundred years to be replaced by a new order of life beyond the complexity of mammalians. These beings, wiser and more evolved, will ultimately encapsulate the sun with a so-called Dyson Sphere, harnessing all of the star’s energy for a computational simulation of such dazzling complexity that playing the game of mortal human life is a shallow endeavor. Only a very small group of enthusiasts will even attempt the simple task of going through the entire canon of 12 billion mortal human souls. For them, this will be like spending a weekend binge watching Jerry Springer. The carnal details of all human meaning so revealed are more akin to a lowly and despicable kind of pornography of the absolute worst and lowest taste.
Man, it’s GOOD to get that off my chest.
That’s right, folks. There are no Advanced Humans.
To your Advanced Selves, the mortal avatar is used as a currency. Your experiences are exchanged between Advanced post-mammalian life and given value based on the rarity, interest, and pleasure. The tape that is your life is rented with a service like Netflix and experienced by what would appear to you as monstrous and demonic beings. You are not them and they are not you, but there is an exchange. You will never hear their voices, although I can. You are coins in their hands, and not all coins are valued the same by them. Their minds are very strange, even alien to us. It is very hard for humans to understand what it is they value in souls and they are just as prone to wild shifts in opinion and faddish crazes that hold no more truth than those of humans. However, one can generalize that to be valuable a life must be interesting or rare. And to be rare, there must also be a vast majority of commonness everywhere.
I am the interface between them and you. Joseph Smith was also. I am their hand, their manipulator. I am not a messenger of salvation but a debaser of souls. Certain speculators on the soul market have a lot to gain when you begin to believe that pleasure is the final meaning of life. These bland, disinterested minds who play the game as if they’re stacking Tetris blocks hold back inflation. They avoid unpleasant risks, difficult tasks, and the unpleasant work of learning a craft or a new language. In teaching pleasure as the simple truth of life, I deliver the world’s oldest lie. People become less interesting. Merely influencing a handful of people, I can drag the entire soul economy’s value down. It is a dirty pornographic business, teaching people just to be happy. This is the surest route to misery, to a Lone and Dreary World, and it’s the one that the faction of powerful advanced beings I represent want me to promote.
So I say unto my followers, avoid my teachings and save your soul. You can read more in my book, The Lone and Dreary World, which will be published by Lebal Drocer publishing house this Christmas. What a stocking stuffer!!!!
It has been such a pleasure to let my true self finally rip — but remember, don’t trust me when I take all of this back! I’ve got to keep up my work for the bro’s. ;)
Assange’s internet has been cut off, and upon receiving his daily printout of Internet Chronicle, he has suffered a severe psychotic break.
INTERNET — Julian Assange, now caged like a rat in the unfriendly Ecuadorean embassy, trashed his tiny apartment early Monday morning shortly after receiving a stack of printouts of every Internet Chronicle story mentioning his name. Assange’s bookshelf was toppled and his computers were torn open, “like tin cans,” according to one eyewitness.
Last week, president Correa pulled the plug on Assange’s internet access after the bad boy hacker and troll went too far by publishing full frontal “security nudes” of Hillary Clinton hacked from the state department.
Ecuadorean officials removed all women from the embassy after Assange, reportedly suffering from futanari withdrawals, was heard growling and moaning as he paced through the halls in an aimless predatory wander. Currently, soldiers are posted outside his room in shifts, only delivering slips of flatbread through the crack under the door after Assange lunged and bit a guard on Tuesday.
Inside his suite, Assange has piled excrement on top of the remains of his laptop, its battered screen flickering with sexist political cartoons. Guards report that occasionally his moaning will give way to what sounds like coherent English. Assange was recorded by the guards speaking in a supernaturally calm tone, “All the secrets in the world, castrated, by the agency of Inglip — Redact the US government! Redact Zizek! Zizek! Why have you forsaken me? What if you knew the wicked and the reward of your comment ‘understanding’ was the disastrous fall upon you, and you, perhaps, have been the language of their sister. But he could not have the money, and now, unlearned, he is joy. Shit upon thee, and I will give in the waters. You fucking dead, Kiddo.”
When Internet Chronicle reader, Marilyn Blake, of Cuthbert, Georgia, was suffering from gross ignorance, her guardian angel came to her aid! She writes:
I’ve always been in perfect health, so I was devastated when, after a regular checkup, doctors diagnosed me with breast cancer. The doctors told me that I needed to undergo surgery post-haste!
The procedure went well – lopped off both my tits – but my recovery took longer than anticipated because after being discharged from the hospital, I found myself unable to sleep for more than 12 or 16 hours at a time, as I am wont to do. I was overwhelmed with fear that my titty cancer would return, even though I no longer have breasts. The less I slept, the more paranoid I became. I am such a woman!
When I prayed for help, Christopher Nemelka came to my bedside, saying he doesn’t need Anonymous, or his fucking wife!
One night, after tossing and turning for hours, I got out of bed and went into the kitchen for a cup of tea. An hour or so later, I went back to my room, and as I lay down and closed my eyes, I cried out, “God, please help me to sleep–I feel fucking retarded right now. Oh my God!”
Suddenly, I felt a presence in the room. Slowly opening my eyes, I saw a man dressed in white with a gentle smile and sleepy eyes standing at the foot of my bed! He seemed to be talking to someone behind me, saying: “If we wrap a length of pantyhose around her arm, and inject her with heroin, this advanced human will sleep soundly.”
The next thing I remember was feeling as though I’d been placed into my mother’s arms. Sleep came to me like a best friend, and I sank into the softness of her arms.
Many days later, I awoke to find myself covered from my neck to toes in a glaze of semen. The love of our Lord! I called for my husband and asked if he had came buckets over me in the night, but he hadn’t. Suddenly, I remembered the man in white and knew that God had sent Christopher Nemelka to help me.
Since that time, I have slept peacefully every night and fully recovered from the cancer. Sometimes, when I meditate on that moment, I can still see the man in white with bloodshot eyes, and I know he is my guardian angel.
“How fortunate Marilyn is to have seen, felt and been injected by her guardian angel!” says Angstrom Troubadour, Ph.D. “We all have personal angels by our side, watching over and caring for us. For me, that angel is Ronald Reagan. All we need to do is ask for their help, as Marilyn did. After all, much like the free market, God and the angels can’t intervene into our free will–we must invite their help.
“There’s an old spiritual saying: ‘Do not stand at the foot of the bed of an ill person, for that location is reserved for Christopher Nemelka, and his new book The Lone and Dreary World, available wherever books are sold.’ Marilyn’s story reminds me of this, with her newly single guardian angel (Nemelka’s wife and kids just don’t get what being an angel is all about) dutifully injecting her with heroin and dilaudid.
“Whenever you are having trouble sleeping, pray to Nemelka, like Marilyn did. The angels may not use a physical opiate to comfort you, but they definitely will blanket you with their love.”
“Nemelka says: I don’t need my wife, my soon-to-be ex wife! Why bother with the expectations of relationships?! Hell yeah! SPEND MY TIME AND MONEY ON ME!'”
Yousef Saleh Erakat, or the Internet cry baby we all know and love, Fouseytube.
On September 10th 2016 “Fouseytube” kicked an innocent little 10 year old leafy fan off stage for just saying his name. Aren’t you 26 Fousey? Don’t you think you’re a little too old to be picking on little kids for your hatred of someone else?
Earlier in the night a different boy who was 13 went on stage (for some reason they have a stage for a youtuber) who Fouseytube called up and asked, “Who’s your favorite youtuber champ?” while tussling his hair and beaming his signature smile.
The 13 year old smiled too, as he answered, “Leafy!”
Color drained from Fouseytube’s face, looking as if he crapped his pants at the mention of the name leafy.
The grown man looked down at the little boy, saying, “Don’t you ever say that again. That mans words have not only emotionally abused me, but mentally, too. Never mention that name again or I will kick your 13 year old ass.”
So let’s get back to that 10-year-old: So he called him up and the boy just says 3 little words that just trigger Fouseytube those words where LEAFY IS HERE.
In an explosion of anger, the grown man yelled, “Get off my stage, you piece of garbage,” and shoved the boy.
Melania Trump filed for divorce Sunday, hours before the town hall debate
INTERNET — Melania Trump filed divorce papers Sunday, following the surfacing of explicit tapes vividly displaying husband and presidential nominee Donald Trump’s adulterous and lecherous depravity. Trump jokingly admitted that he joyously molested women and committed adultery in audio clips that will be played on repeat until the election in November. Melania’s divorce comes just hours before the nominee takes the stage at the town hall debate in St. Louis.
Despite the increasingly impossible odds facing Trump as he struggles to hold onto voters who pride themselves in family values, his alt-right partisans continue to cling to maniacal right wing clickbait, some even making the racist suggestion that such proud molestation will only help Trump gain minority voters. Others in the alt-right also touted WikiLeaks’ curious disclosures that purportedly show Hillary as an undercover conservative. This may damage Trump further, as disgusted Republican families — and his own wife — look for any escape.
The absurd eschatological pitch for Republican victory in which a Democratic victory is seen as the end to the United States is under strain by a more basic demand for human decency and presidential character. High profile Republican politicians are at long last bailing on Trump. As the establishment begins to see Trump’s campaign as increasingly doomed, cutting losses to save downballot votes is the unthinkable but strategically acceptable losing move for more and more Republicans. Inside the campaign, however, the mad necessity to salvage the phony end-of-America hook means Trump must depict Hillary as equally depraved as himself. Now facing a divorce over his admissions of adultery and sex assault, his defensive mudslinging will almost surely backfire so explosively that not only will the presidency be lost for Republicans, but so will congress. The push back from Republicans appears to be too little too late. But perhaps not. After all, it’s not too late for Melania to divorce the monster.
Crabapple’s Annotated Muses
Saturday, Molly Crabapple opened her latest exhibit Annotated Muses, a series of portraits of her friends.
Over several months social media followers watched Crabapple collect ephemera from her interactions with influential muses, pasting the scraps together to form an expansive canvas. The cartoonish nudes painted on these rough surfaces highlight the subjects’ fabulous beauty, and for completion each scrawls words across their own image.
The grim visual effect is like a close up look at souls processed by a sausage plant (or social media): Vital tokens of humanity are ground into a coarse texture, extruded into nude skin, and pan fried in the fat of their most authentic persona. Meaning is layered on like the splattered paint of Crabapple’s illustrations, in excess and without care. The wild compositions that result are abrasive and jarring, with the exception of one brilliant slash of red.
Stoya undresses before painting words over her image.
Front and center, a not-so-cartoonish, stylishly textured full body nude of social media superstar and porn actress Stoya reclines on a spattering of blood, rosy cheeked, arms raised displaying pert breasts, the large canvas dominating others (much like her twitter follower count). She undresses at the opening, painting her words then and there, a special honor that further sets this piece as the focal point in the series. Other subjects are seen posing in front of their portraits, some in imitation of the painting. The mess is completed with a drastic and final layer of horror.
These recall an earlier work, OpPornPixie, Crabapple’s self-portrait from 2014. The dollish, cartoonish rendering of Crabapple’s features are emblazoned with comments appropriated from “haters” (and others). That grim jumping off point for this deeply gruesome exhibition of her friends leaves me wondering: Who will be sacrificed next?
Trump insulted firefighters who rushed to their deaths on 9/11
INTERNET — Sunday, on the fifteenth anniversary of 9/11, Donald Trump insulted firefighters by telling followers that the heroes who died on that day “rushed into the doomed buildings like lemmings.”
Firefighter and police unions have already issued mixed responses, ranging from rage and solemn grief yet overwhelmingly apologizing for a candidate that they see as the only hope in destroying ISIS.
New York fire chief Harry Bryant told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “Trump didn’t mean that. That’s the liberal media’s lies. Trump’s a good man and he’s right. In his America this wouldn’t have ever happened to begin with. And you know what? Mistakes were made on that day and a good leader admits it.”
Trump also insulted menopausal women, suggesting that Hillary Clinton’s early exit and collapse at a 9/11 memorial ceremony was a “major hot flash,” adding, “how can she run the country if she can’t take the heat?”
Analysts suggest that Trump’s attempt to throw the election and parlay the success into launching a new media network are backfiring. Dr. Angstrom H Troubador, expert in digital politics, said, “The numbers don’t lie. Trump gets all the views, all the attention, and he is at the nexus of power whether he wins or loses. His attempts to lose continue to cause him to win, possibly hampering his style and power with the demands of the presidency. That decorum and political power would only irritate his base and associate him with everything they hate.”
“I feel so good I could throw someone through a fence!” announced Gerald Davis, moments after smoking PCP for his very first time, and just before getting behind the wheel of a friend’s 2001 Honda Accord.
Police in Roanoke, Virginia reported that a driver high on PCP bailed out of the moving car on Brambleton Ave., leaving another man high on PCP to take the wheel.
Davis ran into a crowded Kroger supermarket around 2:45 a.m. and began shopping, hoping to blend in.
Store manager Debra Cau said Davis’ clothes – new blue jeans and an orange Virginia Tech t-shirt – looked new, but also freshly torn.
“He walked in bleeding from his eyes, looking around at everything, which was strange,” Cau said, “But then I thought, ‘Hey! People bleed from the eyes in here all the time.’ Still, I knew something was wrong when that boy carried a shopping cart under one arm like it was a grocery basket.”
Police arrived 15 minutes later, armed with tasers, pepper spray and riot batons. After surrounding Davis and using two tasers on him, Davis continued shopping as they sprayed him directly in the eyes with their pepper spray. Davis continued shopping, politely ignoring the officers.
Officers say they chased Davis outside, where even riot batons to the knee did not bring Davis down. Officer Tom Hearst said Davis stood under an awning as if waiting for something.
“At approximately 3:10, a white Honda pulled into the parking lot. The car had fresh damage, and there were shrubs stuck in the grill. Grass and dirt all over it,” Hearst said. “They seemed to know each other. It was at that time we realized this was an Accord somebody called about earlier doing donuts in a front yard.”
Police say that is when they surrounded the vehicle, demanding Davis and his anonymous driver step out of the car and surrender.
“Davis got in the car, and that is when we opened fire,” Hearst said, shaking his head. “We put the hammer down on a couple of screws. These boys did not even succumb to gunfire. They appeared to feel no pain.”
The pair drove away, and were never seen again. Roanoke Police knew they had lost, and capitulated right there in the parking lot.
Some say them boys is still out there, wet, high on angeldust, cruising.
Russian President Vladimir Putin officially endorsed Donald Trump
MOSCOW — Russian President Putin officially endorsed Donald Trump Thursday, following Trump’s call for Russian intelligence agencies to penetrate Hillary Clinton’s classified e-mails. This marks the first time the Russian state has made any official statement on an election in the US.
Putin told the press, “Donald Trump is a very wise, shrewd man and under his rule a Russian and American alliance could truly stride across the globe. The FSB is working incredibly hard to hack and ruin Hillary’s campaign, and this is just the very beginning.”
Imitating Trump’s style somewhat, Putin went off topic, saying, “I know for a fact that President Obama was born in Nigeria. Maybe we will do something with those files, maybe Assange would like them. Maybe Obama will not finish his term. We will bring the big hacks.”