Tor weapons manufacturers posing as activists under fire

Some that have suggested the Darknet isn't so Dark have ignited a controversy causing a spate of vicious doxings and e-torture

Some that have suggested the Darknet isn’t so Dark have ignited a controversy causing a spate of vicious doxings and e-torture

INTERNET — Activism for a free and democratic internet took a grim detour this week as developers of the anonymizing Tor network defended their military funding amid a conflagration of hateful doxing, harassment, and namecalling. These abuse tactics were deployed by the most cold and efficient bloggers on both sides, and the TorProject signed a document declaring itself the new harassment authority and promised not to tolerate it for another second. GreenPeace activists placed a banner over the Nazca lines, calling on help from aliens because they have lost all hope in humanity’s essential goodness.

Shrouded in secrecy and under the cover of darkness, Tor weapons manufacturers are regularly paid six figure incomes directly from the US military, earning princely sums for training US-backed revolutionary movements in the use of Tor. The developers also teach governments friendly to the US to deanonymize Tor so that they can more easily maintain their power. Then, with the first morning light,  Tor weapons manufacturers don the rebellious mask of Anonymous and pretend to wage war against the evil US military industrial intelligence complex, perhaps to further draw targets into their manifold traps. YourAnonNews, a Twitter account operated by several of the pseudo-activist weapons engineers at Tor, as well as propaganda agents planted by Rupert Murdoch, has issued threats and called for mob violence against vocal critics of Tor at Pando Daily.

Deeply entrenched in the whitest of white privilege and proud of it, Quinn Norton writes that the Tor weapons manufacturers are more akin to mathematically determined robots and therefore entirely outside the realm of ethical concern — but those who are concerned at least should be more polite so that the big fuss can be put to rest as a simple error in addition. Quinn asserts the only true issue at hand is a startling lack of politeness. Tor developer and confirmed contributor to YourAnonNews, Puella Vulnerata (latin for injured girl), doxed several of Tor’s critics in a frothing rage and is now being targeted by so-called GamerGators, a lizard-like male supremacy movement that preys on any weakness in women with gang e-assaults. While the TorProject has not acknowledged their secret and controversial pseudo-activist weapons manufacturing program for the US military, they have calmly transcended the impolite controversy and now boldly stand united with feminists in opposition to GamerGators.

“Metal Gear” Propaganda Tool Deployed on Americans

Anonymous leader Barrett Brown is serving two years in prison for revealing America's possession of a Weapon of Mass Manipulation (WMM) propaganda "atom bomb" known as Metal Gear

Anonymous leader Barrett Brown is serving two years in prison for revealing America’s possession of a Weapon of Mass Manipulation (WMM) propaganda “atom bomb” known as Metal Gear

CYBERSPACE — Tens of thousands of protesters across America taking part in the Black Lives Matter movement were declared a threat to homeland security and emergency propaganda tools previously deemed suitable only for foreign combat zones have been deployed on Americans by the US Navy, affecting social networks everywhere. Metal Gear is a sophisticated apparatus controlling tens of millions of fake social media profiles and manned by Aaron Barr, perpetual enemy of Anonymous and powerful neoliberal hacker. Anonymous discovered Metal Gear after Barrett Brown phoned Barr’s email provider and asked for permission to access his top-secret cyberweapons.

Aaron Barr personally triggered off viral awareness of Bill Cosby’s well-known history of rape, injecting a suppressed and terrible story about white America’s most beloved black figure into mass consciousness at a pivotal moment that would define white hatred for the Black Lives Matter movement. Weapons of Mass Manipulation (WMM) were thought to only be in the hands of professional armies, but thanks to the investigation of Brown, we now know they are not only being deployed to harm civil rights activists, but also to push products for Apple and Carl’s Junior.

Brown is also facing time for angrily threatening to “look into” the life of an FBI agent’s children in a youtube video, which media theorists speculate could have been triggered by advanced manipulations of the output of Brown’s personal computer in an effectively automated gaslighting process intended to drive him insane. Despite this, Brown plead guilty to the threats.

Behind Anonymous mask, Vice calls for a boycott of Vice

Today a Vice owned and operated "Anonymous" brand twitter account perversely called for a boycott of Vice

A Vice owned and operated “Anonymous” brand twitter account perversely called for a boycott of Vice

PERVERSITY — Saturday afternoon YourAnonNews, one of the most popular Anonymous-themed twitter accounts, shared advice on how to boycott Vice after Sabu, the infamous traitor and former leader of Anonymous, was seen partying at Vice’s 20th anniversary party. It is well known that YourAnonNews is in fact owned and operated by Vice, a company that exploits its workers and is partially owned by media mogul Rupert Murdoch.

Young journalists across the world aspire to write for the hip and trendy media company, but the powers behind the scenes at Vice are rarely seen or criticized. A strange pretzel has twisted in on itself in an elegant fashion: While Vice parties in lavish style with Sabu, the turncoat responsible for arresting the nexus of hackers that animated much of the early growth of Anonymous, it also calls for its own boycott.

Gorbachev calls for New World Order

Gorbachev announces "New Cold War," rallies Soviets to seek New World Order that isn't totally dominated by American power.

Gorbachev announces “New Cold War,” rallies Soviets to seek New World Order that isn’t totally dominated by American power.

MOSCOW — In a speech blaming American triumphalism for the New Cold War, former Soviet Prime Minister Mikhail Gorbachev told reporters, “There will be people who have the courage to stop [the New Cold War] and start building a New World Order that would answer the challenges that the world community is facing.” Gorbachev added, “There is no need for massive nuclear wars or other population extermination schemes in the Soviet model, but that seems to be the chosen course for the construction of a New World Order by the United States.”

Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “Marxists are murderers and liars, and it’s so much the worse that they’ve taken over the US government, from the very top to the bottom. They’re murderous elitists who all have a common vision of a global empire. So, for Gorbachev to come out and blame American triumphalism, well brother, that’s what we need to save our asses from the globalists right now. That and a thick lung full of Colloidal Silver to protect us from the ever present slow-extermination chemicals already being sprayed on us every day.”

Honey Boo Boo Family falls sick from Ebola Oil

Little Honey Boo Boo has had a very bad year full of poisonous Ebola snake oil and probably molestation.

Little Honey Boo Boo has had a very bad year full of poisonous Ebola snake oil and probably molestation.

BREAKING — Tuesday night several members of the Honey Boo Boo family were brought to the hospital for treatment after ingesting excessive quantities of Ebola Oil, a product endorsed by Honey Boo Boo star ‘Chickadee’ which advertises itself as a cure-all effective against Ebola. Alana Thompson, known affectionately to fans as Honey Boo Boo, said, “Well, mama was convinced we all had Ebola and Papa Bear said we had the flu. Chickadee brought out the oil and mama and them drank every last drop. Now they’re sick, in the hospital.”

There is no word yet on the condition or identities of the hospitalized members of the Honey Boo Boo clan. Honey Boo Boo’s show was recently cancelled after Mama June broke up with Papa Bear to be with McDaniels, a registered molester who once molested her children, and Honey Boo Boo claims that Mama June spent all her money on McDaniels, all but $17.50. Last month, Uncle Poodle went on Dr. Phil, where he claimed to have witnessed McDaniels, Mama June, and Honey Boo Boo in bed together.

Kim Jong Un reveals he is a hacker with Anonymous

Kim Jong Un says, "We Are Anonymous. Expect Us."

Kim Jong Un says, “We Are Anonymous. Expect Us.”

INTERNET — Shocking the world with hist first-ever fluent American English press conference, Kim Jong Un told reporters, smiling, that he was personally responsible for orchestrating the latest devastating and genius cyberattack on Sony. Smiling and winking with strained charm, Kim Jong Un related his long training in cyberwarfare and computerized psyops, “My father and grandfather were never as passionate about computers as I was, but we have all been equally passionate about Juche ideology! I studied under an American tutor for decades and learned how to hack everything. They always said I was wasting my time, but then the times changed. Then I was the only member of LulzSec to get away, a founding member of the Anonymous collective and directly waging war with America in cyberspace, a high ground that could even trump nuclear weapons. The Internet is the most powerful weapon ever. I’ve worked with Deric Lostutter, Commander X, Barrett Brown, and even Topiary. I never liked Sabu or the direction he was taking Anonymous. Sup Biella.”

After the death of Kim Jong-Il in December of 2011, it was not known who would succeed to the position of Supreme Leader of North Korea. However, Kim Jong Un’s incredible ability to download torrents won him incredible favor, not only with his father, but also with his inner circle of elite generals. Chuckling, Kim Jong Un bragged about a few of his big hacks, saying, “The first time my dad saw that my hacking was worth anything was when I doxxed Lisa Ling’s plans to visit North Korea. The lulz we had when Bill Clinton stepped off of that plane were incredible.” All of the sudden turning serious, Kim closed his fist slowly and growled, “Expect us.”

ISIS Emirate declares Sharia law in Ferguson

Emir Malcom Muhammhed, who claims to be a representative for the ISIS Caliphate, declared sovereignty over a Ferguson "Black Zone" and instituted Sharia Law.

Emir Malcom Muhammhed, who claims to be a representative for the ISIS Caliphate, declared sovereignty over a Ferguson “Black Zone” and instituted Sharia Law.

INTERNET — Rather than hitching a ride to war-torn Syria, many Americans have joined ISIS to carry out “peaceful” operations inside the United States. Thousands of members of ISIS converged on Ferguson, Missouri, to capitalize on the racial tensions and have set up a “Black Zone” of sovereignty based on Sharia law. Emir Malcom Muhammed fired an AK-47 into the sky without fear of police and said, “No white man can enter the Black Zone except as humiliated second-class citizens, just as our brothers and sisters could not step foot in the Green Zone in Babylon. Saddam did nothing wrong when he gassed the foul Kurds. Every day the hand of Allah beats back their army of whores! Allahu Akhbar!” Emir Malcom then engaged full auto and emptied his clip into the air.

The government has mustered incredible control over both the news media and social media so as to effectively suppress knowledge of the Islamic revolutionary activities taking place in ISIS-controlled Ferguson. However, the tendrils of ISIS propaganda have nonetheless reached into thousands of segregated black high schools across the nation, which now teach that Christopher Columbus and the Vikings could not have possibly reached America first because the Islamic Caliphate conquered huge swaths of America as early as 993 AD. Dr. Angstrom Troubador, Lead Historian of the American Tradition institute, declined to offer any solid narrative that would justify the American government’s military attacks on Ferguson, but said, “I am terrified. It is as if the education system, the government system, the police, the military, it is all a structure built of something that has been hollowed out for years by termites, and now it’s caving in and revealing an entirely new reality, a new Islamic American Emirate is appearing in black communities everywhere. In just a few short months, riots have turned into terrorism and then into a nascent nation state.”


Dark Hollow Imperial Stout by Blue Mountain Barrel House

This Beer is not adequately described by a scale of 1 to 10.

This Beer is not adequately described by a scale of 1 to 10.

BEER REVIEW — Removing the cork all at once, in a romantic gesture of pretending I know the right way to open a beer, I smile. The imperial stout is currently 46 degrees, as I left the beer out in the car on a warm November evening. As the bubbles extended slowly through the neck, they formed an astonishing and perfect hexagonal grid pattern. It was around 5 minutes before, placed to the side of a 13 watt light bulb, the mountain of pillowy bubbles rolled the head of its segmented worm body over the lip of the bottle. When the beer snail’s ooze trail dripped down its glass shell and permanently stained the unfinished plywood desk, it was obviously time to pour.

I poured a small amount recklessly. A satisfying black, reddish liquid reminiscent of motor oil filled only half of the cup, topped by an equally thick band of a loose foam, the same bubbles that were once arranged in a perfectly crystalline pattern. I looked closely in the bubbles for the hexagonal pattern again, and successfully envision the shape of the pattern after being jostled by the vigorous pour. There were bands of bubbles of different sizes swirled around like fudge melted into ice cream, and upon imbibing the effect was extraordinary. It was as if I was drinking a nitrogen infused beer mixed with a carbon dioxide infused beer.

Thinking of the flavor, I flashed on fruitcakes: wet, dense dark cakes packed full of overwhelmingly flavorful dried fruits. People seem to be very divided about fruitcakes, but I am on the side that regards them as a rare and wonderful delicacy for year-round consumption, not just on holidays.

I’ve had half the bottle, or nearly half the bottle. I read the advertising yarns on the front and back and at the same time I find that it’s 10% alcohol by volume, I realize the drunkenness is taking effect. I’m about to play an ancient multi-user dungeon text-based online video game and become engaged in dangerous deals where I can suffer a kind of microdeath, wasting weeks of effort. I will need my wits about me. The logo couldn’t be more perfect, evoking an image that any of the millions of regular Virginian folks riding west into the great beyond will recognize: Afton Mountain, the gateway to savagery. Roanoke, now there’s the “big apple” of the region, a nexus of healthcare facilities that turned green and grew in a big way once Obama waved his magic money wand. It used to be a kind of railroad slaveyard, but now things are looking up again. The rural Virginians funneling into Roanoke for their poverty-induced sicknesses have been left out of the free money Federal health dole by state level constipation of liberty. Their best option is to defy the Federal Law by not purchasing healthcare, because they will not have to pay the fine due to Virginia’s defiant malice towards the poor. I remember when I learned that I would not be fined, only after paying for the Obamacare. This beer has indeed taken me down a Dark Holler. The Dark Holler of Virginia’s back yard. And it ain’t any different than West Virginia, we just make fun of ‘em because they don’t have the throbbing mechanical heart like we have in Northern Virginia, the world’s most concentrated dystopian suburban hellscape. And we’re damn proud of it. Especially out here past that gateway perfectly encapsulated in that logo. Virginia is a house divided. All of that, in a logo. Just Incredible.

Negro uprising suppressed by Homeland Security

Mainstream Media broadcast images of riots in Negro Ghettoes accompanied by the auctioneer-like intoning of disembodied voices.

Mainstream Media broadcast images of riots in Negro Ghettoes accompanied by the auctioneer-like intoning of disembodied voices.

FERGUSON — Supporters of Mike Brown, the Young Negro shot down by the brave officer Darren Wilson, flooded into the streets in dismay after no charges were filed against the murderous officer by the secretive grand jury. On both sides of the Atlantic and in Ferguson, armored vehicles filled with proud White police soldiers opened and released their wrath upon the Negro ghettos, suppressing the outbreak of violence and anarchy with “less than lethal” weaponry.

One outraged negro man was seen scolding an assault-rifle toting trooper, telling him, “Go fight ISIS! We ain’t got no weapons.” Shouts of, “You no better than ISIS, you no better than Hitler,” were heard, streamed to hundreds of thousands of astounded people connected to the Internet. An angry mob set fire to a police cruiser in Ferguson as heavily-armored proud white men behind a shield wall fired tear gas into their midst.

Moments before a round of teargas canisters were launched out of an armored personnel carrier parked beneath a neon “SEASON’S GREETINGS” banner installed in the ghetto by the all-white local government, one particularly intelligent Negro pontificated, “White people just don’t get it. They think everything the police do is right. They’ll never get it, not until they get black skin, brown skin.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu Dead at 65

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu passed away suddenly, Sunday evening

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu passed away suddenly, Sunday evening

REVELATIONS — Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel, died suddenly Sunday evening after suffering a heart attack in his home. He was 65 years old and will be deeply missed by prominent bankers and comedians. His entire estate of over twenty million dollars was disbursed to the Anti-Defamation League and will go towards building a holocaust theme park in the heart of Tel Aviv.

Netanyahu’s fabulous wealth will also go towards demolishing the Muslim holy site at the Dome of the Rock and aid in the rebuilding of the most holy Jewish temple, from which God’s prayers are thousands of times more effective than any other place in the universe. This move will usher in the biblical endtimes by securing Israel’s final lock on global power, and experts in all three Abrahamic religions believe that a new messiah and possibly anti-messiah will appear at any moment and possibly destabilize even the gold market.