All four top advisers to the UN Human Rights Council were bored by the predictable news of a US-backed Saudi push into Yemen.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –Literally no one was shocked to learn of a Saudi Arabian airstrike against the Haradh district of northern Yemen on Monday.
Angstrom Trodlinyiavic, a chief member of the UN human rights council, said he is surprised the bombing only targeted military installations, when everyone knows it is the barbaric women and children of Yemen who are to blame for their country’s upheaval.
“I am only in favor of toppling dictators who oppose American interests,” Troubadour said. “Human rights abuses by Hosni Mubarak to Saddam Hussein had no rhyme or reason. Those men were tyrants. Barack Hussein, on the other hand, and Abdullah of Saudi Arabia only skirt human rights when they absolutely need to. That is the difference with which I rationalize this contradictory, and offensive, narrative.”
A Saudi-led coalition of desert warriors is forming a united military front against the Iranian controlled Houthi militiamen, who are known within intelligence communities to be dangerously equipped with the world’s most advanced pointed sticks and semiautomatic small arms. As the group advances south, toward the city of Aden, Yemen President Rabbu Mansour Hadi is feeling greater pressure than ever to sign off on construction of a new chain of Arby’s restaurants across the northern region of the country.
INTERNET — Nationwide’s latest crazed marketing campaign is based on a software reconstruction and a “quantum leap” in what’s called generative propaganda creation, which has not been possible until now because of the monstrous bulk of data it must collect.
“When corporations are people, you’re a child.” ~ Neil Young
Instead of using traditional focus group techniques, Nationwide’s top-tier advertising draws from the Big Data of Google, Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Amazon, Apple, Microsoft, and various Private Intelligence contractors who harvest data in ongoing botnets built into every computer on earth, with the exception of certain revolutionary cryptosystems pioneered by Richard Stallman.
Nationwide’s post-propaganda commercials inspire a pernicious hypnotism over the largest swathes of the population, muting out a flat unemotional cord that is consistently paedo-sadist. Nationwide has not perfected a mirror revealing the truth of humanity, it is rendering the advertiser’s mission of mind rape more clearly than ever.
I do not block out or turn off all ads because I feel a duty to understand and undo their programming for my fellow humans. If you listen to Alex Jones you are being programmed in the most insidious way, because it is a blue pill with a red pill coating. But they always are. That is the history, the reality, and the whole truth of all mankind: blue pills with red pill coatings, but why take pills when weed cures cancer? So There ya go. But this, this really happened: I noticed the Verizon building that is only two blocks from my house — for the very first time in at least five years. It was freezing out, but I swear there were heat waves comin’ off of it. Probably, telecoms were the first to grasp hold of this incredible source, sitting at the terminals of data, suckin on its incredible mindcontrol pool and they’re ahead of the game. Five years, they’d occupied that “blindspot” in my perception. That indiscriminate boxy Verizon building was sloppin’ up spacetime and tryin’ to hide it, but I saw it. And I can tell you, I’m a believer hell is here on earth and that was a little glimpse.
Even as I write this, I’m bogged down with computer glitches and they make the words shift under me as I type them out.
This little boy survived a gang raping from ISIS with such resilience that he was immediately initiated into ISIS and promoted to executioner.
INTERNET — A former ISIS militant told reporters, after escaping into Turkey, that ISIS is, in his words, “A homosexual circlejerk, faggotry of the most despicable type imaginable.”
Speaking under condition of anonymity, the militant said, “You always hear about the sweet little white girls getting married off to big bad men in ISIS, but they don’t care for women except to pump out babies. What turns the fucks on are the nightly all-male orgies, and in their twisted reading of Islam, this disgusting stuff is smiled upon by Allah.”
The militant shrugged when explaining his logic for risking his life to flee ISIS, saying, “I was all for a holy war but not the gay stuff, so I quit. Didn’t worry about my life.”
Grinding his teeth in anger, the militant seethed, “First they light this huge brick of hash in this tiny little tent packed with big bearded men, and it just gets so smokey and everyone’s all screwed up. They rub up on each other, fondle and grab at each other, until they all get worked up and their cocks are real heard, and that’s when the circle jerking begins. They’re not much into ass fucking except when they capture a bunch of young boys, and that shit is so gruesome. These kids, sometimes infants, are just fucked to death, and there’s shit and blood all over their cocks. It’s an Ian Watkins nightmare.”
When asked if any of the rape victims survived, the militant nodded, “Oh, yeah, of course, in fact the survivors — if they’re young enough — they’re initiated and revered for their toughness, and they fight on the front lines of the battles. Those who survive but won’t fight are thrown off of roofs, so that ISIS can maintain its anti-gay image, but that’s all it is, an image. They know it sells well to the little white girls they need for breeding stock.”
Zayn Malik previously campaigned for muslim rights, but now he’s gone to war for them.
INTERNET — Boy band star Zayn Malik has joined forces with Islamic terrorist group ISIS, after his former group, One Direction, waned in popularity and was torn apart by feuding.
Authorities say Malik self-radicalized by interacting with jihadis on the social media web site Twitter. Malik deleted a tweet just a few days ago that said, “One Direction — Islam!”
Malik has already put his talents to use and joined the Chanting Emirs, a traditional music group that produces Islamic chants and propaganda pop tunes for the Islamic State, selling its edgy, sexy image particularly to teens fed up with Western values.
UPDATE: Young girls, smitten with Zayne, have promised to join ISIS on the #JoinISISforZayn hashtag in a bid for the possibility of being Zayn’s wife. The #cut4Zayn hashtag similarly encourages young women to cut themselves in a desperate plea to get Zayn to give up his life as a terrorist.
Rael’s plans for an all-clone city promises adherents endless worry-free sex as well as genetic immortality
INTERNET — Rael, founder and prophet of the nascent world religion Raelism, announced Friday that his human cloning facility in New Jerusalem, Israel is transitioning out of experimental stages and into full reproductive capacities. Speaking in a live internet broadcast to an estimated 80,000 followers across the globe, Rael said, “Preparations for the imminent arrival of the Elohim are nearing their culmination. Now is the time for the great pilgrimage, where the faithful will amass at the embassy for the Elohim in New Jerusalem and cleanse themselves in preparation.”
An anonymous Raelist bishop spoke with the Internet Chronicle, suggesting that a human cloning facility with the capacity for 1,000 births per year was judged by Rael to be a sufficient quantity to replace a small city’s need for sexual reproduction. The bishop said, “I know it sounds like scifi, but we’re expecting at least 10,000 adherents to immediately move to New Jerusalem, where sexual reproduction will be made impossible.”
Describing the process of entrance into New Jerusalem, the anonymous bishop said, “First, each person’s DNA will be sampled and preserved in three secret locations using alternate techniques, and then they will be surgically or chemically sterilized, depending on recommendations of doctors. Then they are given a numbered tattoo which identifies and ties them permanently to their DNA. Upon death, their DNA will be pulled from the banks and if all goes to plan a new child will grow to adulthood and continue the life and projects of the deceased.”
The anonymous bishop explained that the concern among the top echelon of Raelism was that the religion would become too popular, “Those with a permanent sexually transmitted disease are either denied entry or given a special mark identifying their status. We’ve been concerned that the existing demand for genetic immortality and a safe environment free of sex disease and pregnancy might shock the religion with new converts and we definitely don’t want to turn people down.”
The Raelist bishop added, “Cloning is not that hard, or even that expensive, and we’ve perfected it on a fairly industrial scale. I doubt we’ll be turning anyone down, in fact, franchise clone factories are already under secret construction in Asia and North America at so-called overflow sites where we are planning other clone-only Raelist cities.”
The Internet is soon to be the most powerful tool for organizing labor movements, thanks to Daddy Yawa’s Anonymous Right to Strike website
INTERNET — In what may be its most historic and important operation to date, the Anonymous hacker collective has rolled out a simple web site called Right to Strike which allows workers all across the world to freely and anonymously organize resistance to employers. Workers in retail, fast food, as well as entertainers on youtube, facebook, and twitter are encouraged to join the discussion and air their grievances, general and specific, among like-minded anonymous friends in a safe environment.
Daddy Yawa, hacker and founder of Operation Right to Strike, says that workers will use the new platform to organize strikes and not just to blow off steam. Yawa issued a statement on pastebin, saying, “If you want to share your grievances without a pledge to strike, you will not be welcome on Right to Strike. We will notify you, and others, when pledges have reached the critical point where we begin bargaining with employers, and if the employers do not address the most urgent demands, workers will be called on to fulfill their pledge. It is very important that the pledges are fulfilled, although it is not important that workers identify with Right to Strike or gather in meatspace to wave signs around. It is enough to call in sick at the right moment.”
The grievances of fast food and retail workers as well as internet entertainers have been increasing, although until now there have only been a few localized strikes and little in the way of serious challenges to the power of the 1%. Employees are often fired for forming concerned collectives and attempting to bargain with employers, and entertainers publishing grievances about social media on social media will be quickly censored. Daddy Yawa is banking on diverting this suppressed energy into the Right to Strike web site, where the most urgent grievances will not only be given voice but backed up with the real threat of a strike. As Daddy Yawa said, “This ain’t no street parade or sign-waving festival to blow off some steam and flip the bird at The Man, this ain’t no imaginary revolution five years away, this ain’t no witch hunt or freakout over the latest news, this is what The Man fears more than anything — Right to Strike is the Real Occupy.”
Jeremy Scahill uses Apple’s Encryption for all his sensitive journalist work, so you know it’s safe
Hi, I’m Jeremy Scahill. Thanks to Edward Snowden’s heroic leaks, we know beyond a doubt that the NSA and the CIA have tapped into your iPhone. These evil agencies tortured people, lied to Congress, and ran black sites. Do you expect them to keep their hands off of your iPhone?
Apple is rolling out its safest phone yet, the xPhone. They’re the phones I use when I’m telling my story from the frontlines of the global cyberwar and tracking down American terror squads fighting Dirty Wars.
Zero day mercenaries are breaking even Apple’s safe iPhones for the US government, but they won’t even share their exploits with Apple. That’s why the xPhone is immune to all zero day attacks, using Apple’s latest breakthrough in cryptography, the cryptoshield. The cryptoshield requires the world’s most powerful miniaturized graphics processor and the most powerful batteries known to science. The xPhone’s safety also makes it the fastest phone anyone has ever created. Thanks to the xPhone, the office at The Intercept is more efficient than ever at cranking out new revelations from Snowden.
Sometimes I think about the wasteland of the cyberwar and know that all the spying will culminate in the final moment for all of mankind, where every atom is calculated into a great mind beyond our comprehension and I feel as if doom is upon me. But then, inevitably, my xPhone will chirp happily and again I can see the great path to the shining summit of mankind, my new Apple xPhone, its pulsing lime flash assuring me that its cryptoapp is running at full capacity. I am safe, at least for now.
UPDATE: Apple is experiencing service outages as the US government retaliates against Apple’s untouchable xPhone by punishing Apple’s cloud mainframes. Non-xPhone Apple products may be back online by next week.
Oral sex in the Oval Office is something like a rite-of-passage for any American president. Kennedy had Monroe. Clinton had Lewinsky. Both Bushes had Barbara. And for the first time, the Internet Chronicle can reveal: Obama had Anthony.
Casey came to Washington shortly after a Florida jury found her—rightfully, dutifully, judiciously—not guilty of killing her two-year old daughter Caylee. With her big ole titties strapped tightly to her chest and her conscience as clear as a liter of chloroform, Casey was greeted at Dulles airport by Obama’s former chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, who had arranged the meeting at the behest of the president after being struck by her “natural, celestial” beauty on the tube.
“What can I say?” Emanuel said by phone. “Barry needed to get his rocks off. We were balls deep in this healthcare battle, Benghazi, Abdulrahman. It all was starting to add up. Not to mention Michelle was menopausal, so that hole wasn’t exactly a moist prospect for our country, if you catch my drift.”
When Anthony arrived at the White House that evening, the president wined and dined her with the White House’s finest.
“Casey comes from good stock, a real classy broad,” said Obama’s executive chef, Sam Kass. “We weren’t going to pour her from a box of Franzia. No, we broke out the Chateau Margaux that night.”
Their meeting lasted the entirety of the evening. Though details about the specifics of their doings are kept firmly under wrap, Emanuel let slip that the president did, in fact, show her that weeks copy of his so-called “kill-list”—a list of potential drone strike victims, made up mostly of innocent women and children in Bedouin villages.
“I can only guess that he wanted her input, her expertise,” Emanuel said. “He admired her cold, detached demeanor. It’s what the job dictates: killing children. And even though Casey is 100%, totally, unquestionably innocent, PBO knew he could glean some insight from a person who had at least suffered the same type of uninformed horseshit hysteria and accusations from the liberal Jew media.”
Emmanuel did confirm, off-the-record (oops), that Mr. Obama got fellated by Anthony that night in the Oval Office. His “first blow-jay in the O.O.,” as a former chief of staff of the Obama administration-turned-mayor of Chicago put it.
“Surprised it took him that long,” Dr. A.H.T. Roubadour, professor of American History at South Carolina Technical Community College, said in an interview Wednesday. “You know what? That might be the first interracial hummer to take place in the Oval Office… no, no. I forgot. 43 performed cunnilingus on Condoleezza a couple times. But that’s not the same thing.”
Commenting further on the tradition of the situation, Dr. Roubadour added, “It’s a competition for these Alpha’s. As one former president put it to me (Carter): If you’re gonna get your johnson smoked, the more extra-marital the better.”
When reached for comment by the Chronicle, Casey only said, “Bella Vita, bitches.”
I rose to power in Anonymous using a few simple tricks to manipulate and exploit people around me, and I see those same tricks being used against me by the new Hive Leaders. You shouldn’t trust anyone who influences people in Anonymous, and here’s why.
I was a dangerous person, a criminal and heroin dealer, but then I got turned onto hacking and carding culture and I’d always been good with computers. Carding was so much better than dealing with the gun play on the heroin scene, and I’d long been used to constant fear of arrest. At least my life wasn’t on the line and I could take care of my family.
It isn’t hard to appeal to people, and I gathered all the valuable intelligence I could from top players. When the FBI showed up to collect, it was the greatest relief of my life.
By working Anonymous like I did, I cut so many of my risks, carded more easily than ever, and found the fame and leverage to get away from crime once and for all. Now I’m an expert and the media pays me big money to appear and tell my story because it is a great version of the American Dream.
Now Anonymous wants to silence me and they think they can threaten anyone who posts my stories, but they can’t. This is America and people care about freedom of speech, and any idiot can see through their transparent and unfunny threats. They called it #OpDDD, a reference to Guy Fieri’s show and an attempt to shame my body. Shame on Anonymous. I was stupid to ever think Anonymous could be a force for good in the world.
And don’t get me wrong, I still believe in the Idea, but it seems like someone always has to rise to power and ruin it. I was that guy, but I’m not any different than anyone else, and in fact Anonymous is the best thing that ever happened to me. I just worry about the people in charge now, and what they may be working towards.
Harrison Ford to go camping for the rest of his life.
INTERNET — Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, plastic surgeon, surveyed Harrison Ford’s face and spoke to the press, shaking his head, “His face was mangled by glass. There is nothing anyone can do can restore the facial musculature Harrison Ford needs to show emotions on screen. Perhaps CGI can fix it, but not surgery.”
George Lucas stood next to Dr. Troubador, tears welling in his eyes, “Oh dear yes, the New Star Wars movies by Disney are cancelled, forever.”
Dr. Troubador then read a statement from Harrison Ford, saying, “‘I’m going out to the wild and never coming back. I’m getting a gyrocopter and I’m going to fly from campsite to campsite for the rest of my life. It’s always been my dream, and in a way, this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I was tired of acting, tired of Star Wars. I’ll see you out there. God Bless.”