Senate votes to protect Internet advertisers from dangerous consumer privacy

The tyranny of Internet privacy is over!

Dangerous regulations threatening to choke out competition, innovation and prosperity were removed last week, permitting American Internet service providers to sell your browsing history to anyone who can afford it.

Whereas there once existed a confusing, government-mandated checkbox de-authorizing ISPs to sell your Internet history to advertisers or interested parties, a recent bill – passed by congress and signed into law by President Trump – removed the legally required checkbox, clearing up any confusion around whether consumer privacy is actually protected by law, and assures all Americans that it is not.

Anti-privacy groups are relieved by the passage of a bill that allows the sale of your web history, content of your online activity, and any personally identifying information.
Anti-privacy groups are relieved by the passage of a bill that allows the sale of your web history and any content of your online activity, along with all personally identifying information.

“American consumers should not have to be lawyers or engineers to figure out if their information is protected,” said FCC Chairman Ajit Pai. “They can now rest assured it is not.” Pai added that he is trying to protect consumers from overreaching Internet regulations that unfairly protected subscribers’ “privacy” from well-meaning, constructive, and benevolent Internet service monopolies.

If any of you Silicon Valley utopioids think you’ve found a magical cloak from “surveillance” or “data theft,” experts warn you should think twice before plucking wicked instruments from the Devil’s toolbox.

“Let it be known using a VPN will only flag you for closer inspection,” advised Dr. Angstrom Troubadour of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, which could bring unwanted scrutiny to the very browsing habits you might pay to protect.

“If you’re not doing anything wrong, you have nothing to hide,” Troubadour said. “So if they see you hiding something, they’re going to want to know what that is. It doesn’t matter whether you’re doing taxes, compulsively checking symptoms at WebMD, or emailing your exes. If they see you tunneling traffic through VPNs or TOR, they’re just going to assume you’re buying drugs on the Silk Road and spanking your monkey to child porn. Not to mention, by using VPN you rob well-meaning Internet service providers of hard-earned profits they might otherwise enjoy by selling your data to pharmaceutical companies and consumer research groups. That simply will not do. Mark my words, VPN users: They’re coming for you.”

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President Trump visits Roanoke River Catfish Farm

Supervisors hang on his every word as Trump gives critical field guidance to a Virginia fish hatchery.
Supervisors hang on his every word, as Trump gives critical field guidance to a Virginia fish hatchery.

To ensure sustainable resource quantities for all people of the United States, President Trump visited the Roanoke River Catfish Farm.

The Juche Farm has successfully become a world-class, large-scale fish farm, pumping fish on an industrial scale into the Roanoke River from high within the Blue Ridge Mountains, supplying Virginians with food and resources.

Trump looked around the newly arranged room for education in the revolutionary history room, dedicated to the history of the farm.

Noting the farm is one of the legacies bequeathed by leader Ronald Reagan to the people and service personnel of Roanoke County, he said that its officials and employees should work hard to keep the fish breeding going at a high rate, as it is an important work not only to preserve the high prestige of Ronald Reagan, but also to translate his lifetime wish into reality.

Going around various places of the farm, including sci-tech rooms, combined control rooms, breeding grounds where the fish fuck, hatcheries, and fattening grounds, he learned in detail, and with fatherly care, about the progress made in fish breeding and modernization.

It will be possible to accelerate the development of the country’s catfish breeding if websites are set up in computers at the sci-tech room to help employees browse and grasp advanced catfish-breeding methods and catfish farms exchange successes and grow from one another’s advancements, Trump said. He added that the inclusion of an upstream chemical waste disposal facility would spur development of new, delicious species of catfish never before tasted by any living tongue.

Scrutinizing the performance of an automatic feeding machine manufactured by scientists and engineers of the State Academy of Sciences with their concerted efforts, he said it was well-made and believes it will suit the development of any new species created as gestures of his Love and Goodwill to all American subjects.

“It was modernly made with recourse to indigenous brain power and efficiency,” Trump said. “And it’s how we’ll soon make people.”

Being pleased to see only two employees of the farm manage 16 large ponds housing more than 10,000 catfishes, he praised it as a manpower-saving farm wanted by the Party.

He was satisfied to see swarms of big catfishes in each pond and frozen catfishes piled up at the freezing storage.

It is a great success that the Roanoke River Catfish Farm was modernly built in the country’s famous coastal plain suitable for breeding warm water catfish to make it possible to annually breed more than 3,000 tons of catfish, he said.

He gave important instructions for managing and operating the farm, saying its officials and employees should set a higher goal and work hard to attain it as the farm has been transformed into an iconic catfish farm, to compete against Hilton hotels.

And he gave special thanks in the name of the USA Supreme Commander General Mattis to the soldier-builders who turned the farm into a model and standard in pisciculture and a proud edifice in the Second Great Era, as intended by the Party, and thus realized the desire of Ronald Reagan and enhanced his prestige.

Noting the Party reposes high expectations of the farm, he expressed belief that its officials and employees would take the lead in implementing Party policies.

Accompanying Him were Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, head of Research and Development Program of the USSA Population Planning Kommittee.

Troubadour, a loving devotee to President Trump, said the fish farm tricks people into thinking they’ve caught the real thing.

“These fish are stupid,” Troubadour explained with compassion and reason in his voice. “They wear themselves out, losing 90% of their weight over a lifetime because a real fish doesn’t waste energy foolishly chasing food all over the river. But hey, it makes the fishermen happy. We throw them a bone.”

Your keyboard is spying on you

New sonic keyboard technology uses your computer’s built-in microphone to monitor the sounds of your individual keystrokes, logging everything you do, according to new research conducted by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour and his team of unpaid graduate students.

This intuitive method of eavesdropping combines new with the old by “listening in” on audio footage through state-of-the-art noise analysis firmware, which is “baked into” PC components like the motherboard, but can also be flashed – or overwritten – with new, custom firmware that can also introduce privacy and security backdoors. Troubadour and his lab servants were able to find evidence of the keyboard spyware when a student was able to successfully visualize the data leaving her keyboard.

Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.
Computational artifacts reveal keylogging on a potentially global scale.

“Go ahead and type a few sentences, and be sure to listen to your keyboard,” Dr. Troubadour writes in the study. “Notice how with each individual keystroke, your keys – although similar and seemingly identical – make slightly different sounds. Because the untrained ear doesn’t recognize these subtle, everyday variations, you might not realize they are there, but because every key has slight variations in tone, tenor and frequency – in fact, no two keystrokes are alike in the entire world (much less, keyboards) – and because every individual keystroke has its own microscopic variation, their frequencies are logged and checked against a database of known typing habits assigned to your unique hardwire profile, as supplied by Google, Apple and Facebook tracking services. Everything you have ever typed is just floating around out there, for sale to anyone and everyone who wants it.”

With advances in HTML5, the entirety of this method of eavesdropping takes place entirely within the hardware, and is completely untraceable. Troubadour and his team have not commented on the spyware’s origin.

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Are you worried about keyboard hackers spying on you? Consider the time-tested, EFF-approved Modern-Day Information Superhighway DOOMWAVE Surfin’ Set, from E.W. Laboratories.

Man’s desperate quest for meaning ends at these best new tech gadgets of 2016

Check these dank new products that are totally gonna save you from the pain of being alone. Lebal Drocer, Inc. proudly presents our Top 5 Products of 2016 Guaranteed To Distract You From The Pain of Existence!

It’s true Jesus had to walk that lonesome valley, but Jesus didn’t have Twitter on an enecrypted futurephone, either. These wonderful new products promise to destroy the thing inside you that hurts when you face the world :D

Sit back and enjoy the future! Tech progress is constantly delivering solutions to problems you never knew existed!
Sit back and enjoy the future! Tech progress is constantly delivering solutions to problems you never knew existed!

Google Cardboard

Have you ever wanted to wear a smartphone on your FACE? Why not? With Google Cardboard, you can see – up close and personal – the evolution of human fear through the new Imminent Fear app, which is still in beta but shows great promise in its ability to horrify even the most centered user.

Imminent Fear takes you on a virtual tour through the dark thoughts lurking in the collective unconscious. Is that the sound of a baby dying? I didn’t ask to be born. What’s that guy doing–SUICIDE BOMBER! #ISIS IS HERE AND IT’S WORLD WAR III. YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A REAL JOB!

iPhone Watch App

Have you ever wanted an iPhone Watch, but you were afraid you wouldn’t be able to find the right app on the Apple AppStore? Have no fear, consumers: The iPhone Watch App – although the jokes are 12 months too late – is still useful as ever! Just looking at it will make you feel like you deserve an Apple Watch on each wrist.

Coming Soon: Apple cRing! An Apple Watch for your Cock!

Tesla Model S

This sleek Android phone comes with a fast electric car built around it. All your Silicon Valley friends will want one, but YOU signed up for it first. Show off on reddit when the wooden crate is dropped off outside your McMansion: “Tesla Unboxing Video: Never Before Seen Car Drives Itself Into The Future!”

Are you tired of gaudy door handles that poke out for anyone in the world to grab hold of? The all-new Tesla Model S is capable of driving itself, and deciding who drives it! Users wishing to operate the vehicle must swipe their iPhone 6s Plus across a Point-of-Sale located near the driver’s window before gaining access to the futuristic car interior.

No poorfags allowed! The Model S requires a minimum bank balance of $250,000 before starting the ignition.

Encrypted Phones

Are your conversations about fingerfucking a mistress too important to leak to every Snowden and Manning with minimum-level access? Secure your nefarious activities for a limited time with the GATCA enecrypted smartphone. This phone is so secure, it is constantly under threat of intrusion!

techno-anarchists

Now you, too, can safely leak documents to the press about government wrongdoings, and cutting-edge AES 512 encryption buys you enough time to book a flight to Hong Kong, Moscow, Geneva — wherever! Except not Geneva.

But act fast! Those helium-cooled NSA supercomputers are gonna COME AT YA BRO when you’re using this ego-inflating, delusions-of-grandeur-fueling smartphone.

[Editor’s note: You are nothing.]

Vertical Rocketry

Is that a flagging erection on your launchpad? Nope. It’s a vertical rocket landing that has us shrieking like apes around a monolith. Have you ever wanted to see a rocket reused, over and over again like some kind of cosmic dildo? Now is your chance. Is it news? Is it a commercial? Who knows!

We successfully defunded NASA to the point where Americans are happy to see anything go to space and come back. Rally round the Branson! With a pocket full of shekels. The age of government tyranny over space has come to an end. With Obama signing asteroid and moon mining rights over to whoever wants it, America sets a new standard of liberty across the world; a nod to Galileo, and a wink to Reagan; a neoliberal shot in the dark; with one eye on the heavens, and the other on a bank account, humanity dares to venture to trillion-dollar asteroids full of shiny stuff that is not quite as abundant on earth, and mine it for sweet, economy-collapsing profit.

Get in on the ground floor, and invest your paltry savings into a sure thing. Vertical rocketry is guaranteed to really get your dicks hard.

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New Futurism, For A Better Tomorrow

Comcast customer shot 6 times in the back while walking away from ‘irresistible’ summer deals

The Internet kills thousands of people each year, including CHILDREN.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to “kill on sight” any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.

A Cuthbert man was shot while resisting summer deals over the weekend. Cellphone video shows Comcast enforcement officials clearly stating the deal was “too good to pass up,” and that doing so would cost him his life. 28-year-old Evan Hernandez walked away from their offer, and that is when agents opened fire, shooting him 6 times in the legs, torso and neck.

Hernandez was first approached by armed Comcast customer service agents after posting a slew of bitter Facebook status updates reading, “Fuck Comcast,” “Comcast is literally Hitler,” and various images of famous dictators captioned, “Comcast representative.”

The fatal meme that got Evan Hernandez killed. | Image Source: Facebook.com
The fatal meme that got Evan Hernandez killed. | Image Source: Facebook.com

Comcast was careful not to claim ownership of the incident by apologizing, but PR spokespeople did issue a Comcastic, heartfelt apology via Twitter:

We’ll miss you, customer no. 1127-H3-59-98062.

Comcast Twitter

“We gave him every opportunity to stop resisting,” Comcast representative Dave Jericho said. “We said, ‘You can’t say no. Either you take the sports package that’s got 24-hour soccer and get slower Internet, or buy the movie channels and upgrade to 25 Mbps.’ Evan made his bed. Evan can lay in it.”

Hate-riots are brewing across the United States as Comcast customers lash out jealously in hopes of getting an opportunity to sign the deal Hernandez repeatedly turned down starting as far back as 6 weeks ago.

Barrett Brown expresses support for Weev fundraising effort

Barrett Brown called the chronicle.su to express his enthusiasm for Weev's fundraising campaign.
Barrett Brown called the chronicle.su to express his enthusiasm for Weev’s fundraising campaign.

With limited access to Internet, Barrett Brown still gets the news, albeit a little slowly.

“I think what Weev is working toward is really good,” Brown said from his mobile prison cell, an advanced diesel therapy treatment facility. “I saw him on my delayed TV report and I have to say I am proud of him. He’s doing important work and I hope his financial backers fulfill the hedge fund he’s setting up for himself, so he can take care of us all.”

Brown, a pretty good old boy himself, has written hilarious storie for The Onion we have never seen, and boring tirades everyone has seen for Vanity Fair and Vice.

Brown, a passionate blogger at The Internet Chronicle, left the following statement to supporters in his mother’s dishwasher:

Hello, I’m Texas reporter Barrett Brown, and I prefer TerrorMax to AnataBloc any day. It helps me think and raises my awareness. We should look into [TerrorMax].

Barrett “Barry” Brown, Project Persona MGMT

Brown said Weev’s tireless efforts, as well as the consistent and quality work put out by Rachel Haywire, are critical to his personal success and the success and profitability of his entire organization, entitled Project PM.

Brown’s continuing relevance rests squarely on the shoulders of heroes like chronicle.su journalists kilgoar, hatesec, asshurtmacfags and Presstorm alumni.

“Your basic summernazis are part of the socialist threat of the Obama administration and his bottomless thirst for white souls,” Barry passionately dictated from his mobile prison cell. “I have faith in Weev’s ability to contain this threat and use his new money to show people we’re not just a bunch of nazis looking for a keyhole to inject hate into the information security narrative. Like I said, I get my news about 9 months later than everyone else but I really think this is going to pan out. I think Rand Paul has a chance.”

John Oliver forces ground level narrative, reducing American privacy crisis to concern around ‘dick pics’

MOSCOW – In a sweaty interview with the infamous cyberterrorist Edward Snowden, darling satirist John Oliver refused to let Snowden iterate his basic technological explanation of how domestic spy programs, such as PRISM, violate the US Constitution. Instead, Oliver continuously interrupted Snowden, denying Americans’ ability to interpret the dialog for themselves, and said the interview MUST focus on “dick pics” in order to maintain public interest.

Oliver felt the already limited segment would not infantilize the popular mind enough, so at various points in the interview, Oliver pulls out his slick new Macbook Pro with retina display, puts it in his lap, and points it toward Snowden, directing him – like a child – to watch a selection of clips of Americans who do not know who he is.

The transition from Snowden's linear explanation of the PRISM domestic spying program was executed about as awkwardly as Nguyễn Ngọc Loan.
The transition from Snowden’s linear explanation of the PRISM domestic spying program was executed about as awkwardly as Nguyễn Ngọc Loan.

With each attempt to carry out the 18-month old, ongoing conversation about the offensive and intrusive nature of domestic spying – a feature of totalitarianism that exceeds even the worst Orwellian nightmare scenario, and has colossal implications on global markets and trade, as well as negatively affecting every tier of government from global to town-level – Oliver said, “No, no. We are talking about dick pics because that is all my dipshit audience cares about: Their sweaty, hairy schlongs.” He diverted the conversation from the Snowden cult of personality only to bring it all back to dick pics, before ending the interview with the centuries-old jokes, “Now I’m on some kind of list,” to which Snowden calmly – and after forced laughter – replied, “You’re associated.”

In Brooklyn, a group of artists who understand art but nothing of subtlety, put up a Snowden statue. A day later, when one of them said, “Look what I did, everyone!” the statue is now hilarironicallously covered by a blue tarp.

This is what you get for bragging about your stupid art, you stupid fucks.
This is what you get for bragging about your stupid art, you stupid fucks.

BRB: exercising my civil rights to photograph dick pics and transfer ownership to Mark Zuckerberg, as per Facebook Terms of Service.

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Experts Reveal the Internet Chronicle is a Real Site

Suck our hammer and sickle, baby.
Suck our hammer and sickle, baby, we’re on the right side of history.

HAMBURG, Germany — While the world watched in amazement at the “Hell-in-a-cell” twitter-war between bitter rivals The Tor Project and Pando Daily, a humble researcher named Jacob Appelbalm gave a presentation at the Chaos Computer Clubs’ 31st Congressional hearing, in which the following years Internet agenda was drafted. Appelbalm, most known for his truly original and extraordinary MD5 hash-collision research and his Tor outreach, gave a rousing speech to a crowd of hackers being sslstripped. While Appelbalm and his colleagues work closely with Der Spielgel newspaper in Germany, which is world famous for dropping doxx on the NSA, he pivoted from his usual pandering and pointed to a new enemy within: the Glorious and Infallible Internet Chronicle.

Furious that he didn’t get exclusive Snowden deetz that the Internet Chronicle got, Jacob derided the news outlets ethics saying “The Internet Chronicle pretty much lets anything pass as journalism these days, it’s like they just type shit, don’t redact, don’t hold back documents for 3 years and just don’t give a damn if an article shits the closet.” The crowd cheered as the charismatic man on stage urinated in their ears, “These are the kind of people that I would ass-fuck with a chainsaw.”

Relenting for a moment as the crowds’ tears of joyous manipulation diminished into simpering sobs, he continued “However, from documents that have been gleaned over with a fine tooth comb by everyone here in Germany, it is unfortunate to note that the Internet Chronicle is a real site.” After a few minutes of diddling with his Mac, a slide appeared with a screenshot of http://www.scamadviser.com/is-chronicle.su-a-fake-site.html revealing our trustworthiness.

In closing, Appelbalm rabbled the crowd once again with images of revolution, stating: “These are just the times we live in, we’re going to have to accept the fact that our block-lists will be long and sycophants wide. That’s just the way the Berlin Wall crumbles, y’all.”

The New Sabu: FBI says #ObamaSec informants behind Lizard Squad attack on Sony, Microsoft

LizardMafia #OFFLINE

LizardMafia #OFFLINEIn a shocking, but not unprecedented Christmas day network attack, it is difficult to determine just who, in this winter story, is the real Grinch. However, new testimony from an anonymous FBI source under the pseudonym Robert Smith suggests informants are once again behind another round of malicious attacks on corporate America, with the same goal of subjugating and disrupting yet another rogue group of well-meaning winter break hackers.

While a member of LizardMafia – or Lizard Squad as they are also known – told Microsoft their latest attack was designed to encourage better network security for their popular online gaming platform XBOX Live, and for the Sony Playstation Network, by offering free Christmas stress-tests in the form of DDoS attack, FBI communications appear to indicate they already have someone on the inside, inciting the group to stop doing things “for the lulz” and to instead take up “a real cause,” their Christmas attack being the first of more to come. The group claimed they are able to harm the world economy by disabling the NASDAQ. Smith said their informant knows the identities of core players in the group, which could be used to control the group’s behavior in the near future.

lizardmafia

Smith said the FBI calls their mole a “high ranking” decision-maker for the group, and have indicated that by changing the group’s trajectory from comic mischief to corporate sabotage, he has steered the LizardMafia right into their legal jurisdiction.

The person authorities are calling the ‘new Sabu’ belongs to ObamaSec, the elite, patriotic hacker group which claimed responsibility for the attack on North Korea’s Internet – a story whose newsworthiness was owed both to the takedown, and existence of, DPRK net infrastructure. Sabu II, Electric Boogaloo negotiated directly with Kim Dotcom, a known gamer.

kim-dotcom-DM-lizard-mafia

Kim Dotcom has announced his own heroism after allegedly buying the group off. For now, the LizardMafia has accepted a ransom of 5,000 lifetime memberships to Kim Dotcom’s new, old file sharing service, Megaupload. If the attacks return, however, their agreement with Dotcom becomes invalid, and they will no longer be able to host and share files on his premium website.

Watch DDoS attacks unfold live on http://map.ipviking.com/

Snowden Unveils NSA "God Mode" Malware That Lives On Your Motherboard And Can Not Be Traced

New Snowden revelation “GODSURGE” gives NSA ability to see everything your computer does – even the screen

The NSA backdoor GODSURGE hooks in and propagates with DIETYBOUNCE
The NSA backdoor GODSURGE hooks in and propagates with DIETYBOUNCE

Original documents released by Snowden reveal surveillance powers that go beyond root access, and into the hardware of all computer systems everywhere.

The exploit hooks itself into a computer’s boot loader, initiating an “infected” BIOS that is in no way distinguishable from normal computer activity, and can only be discovered through forensic investigation of the physical data chip using electron microscopes.

With GODSURGE, a complex malware loaded by the similarly named malware DEITYBOUNCE, secret agents are able to monitor users’ computer activity – even when the computer is offline – because the malware phones home when users plug back in, reporting activity and filling in historical gaps.

It is safe from an operating system reinstall because it lives on the motherboard, and does not affect the installation at all, remaining undetected by antivirus scanners and even computer scientists.

When Ross Ulbricht was found hiding among the stacks in the Glen Park public library in San Francisco, the 29-year-old Silk Road operator was believed to have covered his tracks perfectly. Speculation is rampant as to how he was really caught.

Neckbeards with no working knowledge of Internet technology hypothesized that an “anonymous” forum post asking for help on specialized messageboard code led unseen internet police to backtrace his IP. It is an unlikely connection, but compelling conspiracy theory, because it is a common supposition that the Internet is a self-referencing, self-cleaning hivemind; but it is far more likely that ubiquitous, self-replicating code that bounces to destinations through “jump hosts” – a self-replicating “Onion Router” of malware – led to his discovery because it tells the NSA exactly what any given computer is doing – or trying to do – without being caught.

Or to put it another way, they see what you see.