Facebook figures flail following ‘Fake News’ freakout

NSA Today
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says “Real News” threatens Facebook profits

Menlo Park, California – After months of fucking with the Fake News Feed, Facebook earning reports state sitewide use has fallen by more than 50 million hours every day. Since they started dicking with the fake news feed Facebookers rely on for their daily news, they have turned to other sources for their fake news needs.

Mark Zuckerberg said he was “fuckin with it to make it more friendly and easier to spread Real News, like my 2020 presidential self-installment process that – and I reiterate – has not yet begun.”

2017’s fourth quarterly earnings showed a dramatic drop in revenue, supporting theories that claim readers are less likely to change their minds in the face of facts or evidence.

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Lead Researcher at the Paleocybernetic Institute of Singularity Studies (PISS), said his market research team is helping Facebook spin this data positively for shareholders. He even says he has a clever plan for Facebook to pacify investors by blaming poor profits on public health measures they have not yet put in place.

“In 2018, we’re focused on making sure Fakebook isn’t just fun to use, but also good for profits,” Troubadour said in a statement this afternoon. “We’re doing this by encouraging meaningful connections between people and businesses that sell them shit, rather than the passive consumption of poisonous Internet Chronicle stories … By focusing on meaningful connections, we can more easily trick the community into believing this rotten, sagging load of shit in their pants called Facebook would EVER act in their best interests.”


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Are you a dipshit on Facebook? Do YOU believe every headline you read? If you answered yes to either of these questions, that’s because you’re awake, self-deprecating, and you get it. You must be an old soul. You probably agree Facebook would do well to remember Dr. Troubadour’s tips for a healthy social media profile.

Facebook: Follow Dr. Troubadours three-letter principles, and get your facts straight post-haste:

L.ower Carbon Footprint

S.teady diet of grapefruit and TerrorMax

D.on’t fuck with the Facebook news filter

Use L.S.D. to keep the mind limber. This promotes business, starts jobs, and revitalizes the bitcoin!

dr troubadourDr. T says:

Invest in khaki pants and tiki torches, because the news is about the get REAL


And now back to the Real Fake News


There are rumors the speed of Facebook’s growth is now limited to the sum total of global population growth, now that the data mining corporation has touched every living soul with its aggressive tentacles of datarape.

“Mankind’s data set is virtually saturated,” Troubadour concluded. “If he wants to be President of the Singularity, Mark Cuckerberg needs to quit twiddling his knobs and let the free market run its course.”

Comment section:

“I don’t see what the big deal is. Everything’s fake anyway.” +1 :D +2 Likes

“I already put my baby on Facebook, because they/there ain’t got NOTHING to hide!” +1 Like

“S Jew W.” +1 :O +12 Likes

3 Replies to “Facebook figures flail following ‘Fake News’ freakout”

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