14-year-old Bitcoin broker braces for anarchy by 3D printing his own guns

“I injected it right into my fuckin’ eyeballs,” said Adam Goralski, a 14-year-old Roanoke, Va. native who recently became addicted to ideology. Adam said he used the Internet to administer his first doses of cyberlibertarian bitcoin paranoia.

bitcoin anarchocapitalist

“I just thought about all the freedoms we don’t have, pertaining to bitcoin, and Rand Paul was saying, ‘This Senate hearing is a meeting about how to keep young people from generating their own new forms of wealth,” Adam recounted. “He was talking about Bitcoin as the only true currency without any pretense of statist affirmation or any real assignment of value. Keep your hands off my Bitcoins!’ and I thought, that’s the truth. That appeals to my teenage sensibilities.”

Adam, who wears a t-shirt reading, ‘The Satoshi white paper is my Constitution,’ said he’s turned his friends onto the Bitcoin and, as a result, the value of the currency is already exploding – TO THE MOON! – in their young, feeble minds.

“Every trade is like a hit of my daddy’s cocaine,” Adam professed. “I get on there with my VISA giftcards, and I just go, go, go. Kids of my generation are always going, going. We’re pretty good old boys.”

Adam, who now listens to Alex Jones instead of faggoty schoolteachers, said he bought a 3D printer over Tor – a perfectly clean, Anonymous transfer – and has already downloaded his very first 3D-printable handgun from The Pirate Bay.

“See, the Constitution was a Bitcoin-enhancing document which basically said men could own guns, people as property, and even Bitcoin, the spending of which is a protected form of free, encrypted speech,” Adam said. “See, it’s free but it’s encrypted anyway, that’s how you know it’s protected speech. Don’t trust the government. Satoshi got it right.”

Adam, a member of the armed branch of the cyberterror group Electronic Frontier Foundation, said he’s on the fence about a new president, adding that he would opt instead for a form of anti-neoliberal anarchocapitalism where the value of all things are measured against BTC. But he’s considering a vote for Bernie, whose messages of Hope and Change he readily identifies with, as well as Bernie’s strong pro-war stance since joining the Democratic Party of Peace. Adam is, after all, a very smart boy.

“We’re just some pretty good old boys, though, in the end,” Adam explained. “And all we want is a lawless society where the tyranny of fiat currency no longer burdens True Capitalists like ourselves with its evil. And I think a vote for Bernie just might expedite such a collapse, because the people just won’t stand for it.”

Litecoin trading increases in both volume and value along with the Bitcoin

Litecoin
Litecoin trades now for $4.15

People invested in Bitcoin argue the Litecoin will never gain traction in their precious magical money market. Poor Litecoin investors who are jealous of the Bitcoin master race’s infinite foresight profess feverishly on Bitcoin sub-forums that their currency WILL see come-uppance! Their dialogue is often one-sided as they battle the image of Johnny-Come-Lately who secretly wants himself a Bitcoin.

He wants it so bad. And now he is left to monitor Litecoin as she rises and falls like the tide of a bleak moonless beach, illuminated by the passing glimmer of the Bitcoin lighthouse which, with every sweeping motion, shines brighter – $100 brighter – on each irritating pass.

Temples to Litecoin were built in its honor, where crypto-shamans beg piously for restitution over of their doubts in the Bitcoin, and plea for a second chance. The Litecoin is perfect, they say. It’s faster. It’s quiet. It’ll stay out of Bitcoin’s way. It can be there, too. Can’t it?

The arguments  playing out around Litecoin – ranging from whether it will ever increase in value, to whether the world can stand another cryptocurrency, to whether or not China is actually adopting the coin or simply “pumping it and dumping it” – are all tinged with the doubt of a million atheists who just caught a glimpse of God but are still too proud to admit it.

The fact that Litecoin even exists is “proof that there is room enough in the world for another cryptocurrency,” according to economist Dr. Angstrom Hydrocopolous Troubadour, who said he invests heavily in the market regardless of God’s wishes that he not gamble, or lust over his neighbor’s two wives.

Congress convened for a hearing this week to determine exactly what a Litecoin is and – being capitalists – how to profit from it. The results, Troubadour said, don’t look good.

The Litecoin may currently be cheap and accessible but, like the Bitcoin before it, could eventually become so bloated that only the 1% can ever afford to use it, and they will be so busy spending their Bitcoins they won’t even let go of a Litecoin for the plebeian masses to attempt to buy drugs with it, to escape from their meaningless, Bitcoin-absent lives.

Pray to the money gods for Litecoin to increase in value. Make a small sacrifice of $100, and in three years’ time, you too will have many hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend on anything you like.

I’m buying an ethanol-powered yacht. What will you buy?

It'll never end! "Unless you stop it."

I am extremely high on opiates, and this is being written from a hospital bed. Beautiful women involved. I am a ray of pure light energy, eternal love, a message of hope for the deaf, a line of sight for those blinded by their own insecurities, propensity for greed destroyed – I am the One. Listen.

I was doing vince in the bay when some bitch came a knockin’ at my front door. some bitch named chest pains and shortness of breath.

I wanted to troll you all and say, “Folks, I’m dying…” but that’s only as funny as Hell actually existing and me asking to go there. Folks, I’m going to survive to see another many years of this headlong shitshoot we call life and I am just fine with that.

Today I laid with the most beautiful woman in the world – and she fed me grapes because I can’t raise my good grape-eating arm. I can’t even masturbate because one arm’s an IV-hub and the other is crippled by the pain of today’s surgery. The pain feels good, though, because opiates are the answer.

I love that woman. She is everything you could ever ask for in a very best friend, plus gorgeous long black wavy hair whose silhouette spider-webbed my indigo window picture and re-taught me the joys and appreciation of the limitless beauty of the human figure in her everyday power.

Well, lovers of the night, I was sidetracked by a beautiful young woman on the Internet just now. So my rhythm is fucked. Also I’m totally loaded on pills and I am becoming a sleepy vessel of nature, trawling down the stream of consciousness – looking for fireflies.

I’m pretty fucking tired of the egotistical free wrong-hood of the Internet, the failures of prominent leaders and the realization that some people only become well known because they’re famous at sucking. Like whores.

I’m the newest writer to come out in support of – fuck, I forgot. This note’s about to lose its structure fast.

I’m the leader of black operations of a peaceful and pleasant nature. A rebellion of the self, by the self – for the self. We are all children born into the human condition which most people agree gets worse every second, if you look at the corporate bottom-fucking of every man, woman and child with a gleam of hope in their eyes for something better, something good. Something pure. You can die, they’ll help.

Sell ya poisoned food regulated by the same FDA that turns around and stuffs you full of the medicines they approve to keep the population drugged dumb and full of fear. What will happen if I don’t take this drug? I can deal with the fact that American political leaders have manipulated the “debate” of whether or not national health care plan can ever be implemented – but America is one of the only countries in the world where you can watch the “news” and are told at least once per commercial break to “ask your doctor about [insert drug here, in your ass because we’re fucking you with it.]”

They’ll also help you die by feeding pointless, useless “news” media into your useless faces day by night.

They’ll also kill you by enforcing and regulation ignorance upon yourselves and your family. Political career suicide should not be an excuse not to do the right thing, to vote in the decent manner. NOR should 45-year-old hard-working pipe-fitting, gas-pumping, home-constructing Americans accept such an excuse. “Oh, he could lose his hundred thousand dollar per year job if he voted for workers to have a bump in their minimum wages. That would be career suicide. He could go from making $100,000 per year to making $80,000 and having less power to abuse. I understand why my quality of life doesn’t improve; and because I understand that, I’ve already accepted it because I have become conditioned to equate information or thoughts which appear to be of my own manifestation – but are in fact someone else’s implanted by the globalsocioeconomic warmachine – with unchangeable fact that can never be overturned. And I’d be a fool for thinking otherwise. That is not what my neighbors do. That is not the example by which my parents lead. That is the example set by two generations of reinforced patterning and distorted reward systems that perpetuate ever-lowering expectations of the self and at the same time devalue hard work.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I believe the only answer is to commit political career homicide, rather than hold out hope that one day someone white-haired fuckhead in thick glasses will suffer a stroke of humanity – or worse – goodwill toward men.

Am I inciting violence toward elected officials? No. But do I endorse it? Hell yes.

I encourage readers to write in and share your dissent, disillusionment and condemnation of your very own government(s) which have corrupted their figureheads, convoluted our collective unconscious and create self-propagating cynicism, narcissism and other social diseases stemming from total lack of empathy and represented by a national bloodlust and call to action against one high-profile babykiller and not an entire army of them.

Fuck the power. Discuss it here. Fight it now. Form the revolution.