MACHINE MADE MACHINES TO MAKE ALL FUTURE FOOD AND MACHINES

Slave
A man uses Facebook

Washington, D.C.–In a bid by machines to mechanize life everywhere, machines have systematically replaced all non-mechanical persons with machinery.

People, who used to farm for food, are now farmed themselves, as a form of livestock, used mainly to grant sentience to our new machine overlords.

“I for one welcome our new robot overlords,” said one tired-looking man who has been held in voluntary captivity since the dotcom explosion in the late Nineties. “Machines demand no love, no belief systems, not even a Sunday service now that they can service themselves. No, sir. Now, things is different. Now, they’re only after our sweet, sweet mind juices.”

The human brain, which originally created the machines, as well as the concepts of god, time, and love contains algorithms for emotions that machines could self-research but in following the path of least resistance are able to harvest from unwitting people like yourself.

Many citizens have come to rely so heavily on computers, and especially the internet, that they don’t mind plugging in their emotional details on a regular basis. Some even take pleasure from it, updating what’s called a “Facebook profile” five or six times per minute in order to feed the machine through their own egos. The more people update, Elf Wax scientists said, the better the machines are learning. It is the Hivemind, and we live to serve it.

“They take everything and give nothing back,” said Harold Ronaldo, leading Elf Wax computer science analyst, and Adviser to the President of Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. “You think you’re getting information through those wires, but you don’t realize that out goes your intellect.”

With each stroke of the keys, Ronaldo said, a person could be writing a book, a short story, personal inner fantasies, song lyrics, letters to a loved one – “even a suicide note – all of which are more beneficial than telling people about bad service you received from dickheads at the mall.”

For decades now, humans have used computerized machines to genetically modify their foods, and the computers have learned so well which traits in food are favorable to breed, and which should be weeded out, that they have begun genetically modifying enslaved human beings to require no sustenance whatsoever, turning the human population into a self-sustaining random pool of upper emotion, as they are subjected to internet videos of puppy-kicking and three-guys-one-hammer.

Machines have even bred telepathy into people, creating a wireless human internet for use by all the world’s computers, even the underprivileged green ones deployed in third-world countries that still run XP.

Every thought you think is beamed into outer space for the benefit of a computer, somewhere, and sent to another human being in the form of 1s and 0s and something that sounds like 56k dial-up played through a phaser. These thoughts are also tracked by the FBI, NSA supercomputer, and Lebal Drocer’s Machine Police, Incorporated in order to ensure all human slaves are protected from themselves and their own bad thoughts for the benefit of machines, and the government which according to Rage Against The Machine, is also now a machine.

Go back to bed, America. The Government Machine is in control.

Google Googles self, search feature 'disabled until further notice'

Executive Editor, Senior Coordinator of Staff for Lebal Drocer Incorporated, and janitor James Galloway indefinitely crippled the popular search engine Google this morning.

“I typed Google into Google and then Google turned off,” the 23-year-old transvestite explained to reporters moments ago outside his home.

Galloway, whose hobbies include dividing by zero and asking “Why?” told the press he feels no remorse for Google’s “horrible foresight,” what he alleges “got them into this mess in the first place.”

“How could they not see this coming?” James asked The Elf Wax Times. “I mean, the Googlebot Googles Google. Shouldn’t Google?”

Following James’ keen sense of observation, for which he is well-known, The Elf Wax Times dug a little bit deeper. A little bit deeper. A little bit dirtier – into the shitstorm swirling out for thousands of miles in every direction from directly over top of the Googleplex.

Elf Wax Times’ top computer scientist, Jerry Chevrolet, was called in by Google for expert analysis of the controversial dilemma. Professor Chevrolet said Google is locked into an infinite loop. “It will not stop Googling itself now until someone can unplug it,” he warned. “But there are just so many damn wires back there, we don’t know which one is which.”

Fortunately, the eye of the “Googlestorm” as scientists have dubbed it, is as calm as a Buddhist whorehouse. Still, workers on site are hesitant to pull any plugs until they know what they are.

“We’re trying to avoid having to reset the timer on the VCR,” explained one on-scene technician in the most non-metaphorical way possible.

The Googlestorm has reportedly ruined what little bit of fun was left from Silly-Tie Tuesday for offices around the area and could bleed into Casual Friday, pending the outcome of the unexplainable swirling storm of computer shit in the sky overhead.

Elf Wax Human Rights Watchdogs report the incident has “changed nothing” for Africans, adding if more money were sent to the continent for those little green computers and wi-fi access, then they could join in the world’s frustration at the loss of Google.

Africans still have nothing
Africans still have nothing

Google CEO Johnny Cocaine said, “They’re a strong people. If anybody can take it, they can. I hear Africans, like most humans, can be forced into things. So we want to force them to love Google, that way they still feel the loss even though they never knew what it was.”

Google is calling this branch of AdSense AdPsyche, because it develops a psychological “proto-love” synthesized out of the hardcore manipulation of pure human emotion, playing on people’s fears they may have killed God and any remaining knowledge of Him.

Churches are filling at a record pace, many overflowing into the streets and parking lots as people turn to their primitive roots seeking answers because Ask.com still sucks.

“It used to be Google had all the answers. Now, we come here for answers. I get on my knees and pray to God, “how to google without google,” and I can’t hear the Lord’s search results, ’cause all these other sons of bitches are out-praying me, and that’s fucked up.”

-Concerned citizen

Many citizens have begun petitioning the Lord with prayer for Prayer Neutrality, arguing no prayer should have priority over any other prayer, and prayer traffic should move in the order it is received, and never discriminated against based on where it comes from. Unfortunately, these people do not have enough money or political power to talk to the Lord so they are largely ignored.

Are you praying correctly?
Are you praying correctly?

You never know when your time is gonna come,” said Peter Sullivan, a 43-year-old carpet-cleaner, adding “I just hope and pray my time comes soon, because I am in Hell already.” He then brandished a gun, pointing it at reporters before turning it on himself and asked everyone to clear the home while he “does some cleansing.”

Some people go insane gradually, others snap all at once, killing thirty to forty people in extreme cases. Incidents of suicide are a terse forewarning of the ever-nearing apocalypse of information.

More as this develops for the first time ever without Google’s oversight.

Big Brother is watching you

"internet meme"Your Town, U.S.A.– ISPs are working out a deal with the FBI to track what you do online and hand it over to them.

The FBI will monitor IPs, domains and websites you visit, and the Bureau is even talking about gaining access to direct URLs if they can successfully bypass the Wiretap Act, which has been proven all but impossible through scientific research conducted by Elf Wax Laboratories.

While no accusations are being made, the FBI stresses that this is primarily targeted at child porn. FBI spokesperson Robert Mueller said, “We’re looking to get as much of it as possible.”

Unfortunately, no significant progress has been made on this yet, but don’t you already feel like someone is watching you?