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Editorial Religion Society

Atheists are the best Christians

Christians, Jews, and Muslims have been completely butthurt about science for thousands of years — ever since they combined history and mythology like some kind of postmodern parody. Atheists, weeping and gnashing their teeth about how irrational this idiocy all is, are perhaps even more butthurt. So-called rational Atheists take the mythology even more literally than many Christians, and in some kind of more-rational-than-thou dissonance, struggle to disprove metaphorical stories as if that will bring sanity to the insane. The true christian, capable of the terrible task of extracting, assimilating, and relating to the archaic lessons out of these ancient traditions, must have a tendency towards atheism beyond that shown by this common type of Atheist.

The common Atheist talks about nature, and their MRI brain scans look just like a devoted Christian walking through the Pearly Gates of the local snake-handler den. It’s so crass to make nature into a transcendent man like God, but that was cutting-edge science thousands of years ago. People saw the stars go through their yearly cycles, recognized the underlying math, and it followed that some man was up there making rules and they should make like him. Now we know a bit more about these rules, and we know the truly pathetic scale of humankind. These rules are far beyond us, and although we’re immanent, we’re probably not created in the image of some megadude with too much time on his hands. Science won’t let us rule this possibility out yet, but it doesn’t seem like the most likely place to start with for creating relevant stories to help us understand this scary place where we don’t actually have a daddy handing us stone tablets with moral codes.

Who gives a shit if Jesus was real, made-up, or raped little boys? He’s only important as some kind of exemplary character in a morality play, and if you have to really believe he was a historic figure then you’ve got weak-ass faith that’s not worth half a shit and will only serve to turn you into some hollowed, hateful rulemonger like Sean Hannity.  The same goes for Atheists who treat science in the same way. Sure, these are real rules of nature that are being revealed and refined, or at least that’s how the scientific method postures, but what kind of a hateful fuck goes around telling people how to behave based on the theory of evolution? “Yeah, we need to weed out those retards, gays, and Jews because we totally know exactly how evolution works,” said the fuck who escalated this debate to Godwin’s Law.

Now that I’ve God-Winned, I can move on to the meat. I ain’t even sayin’ that there’s some magic essence in Christian legends that must be distilled and updated to match science. Even then, common Atheists would scoff at these stories — “As if my life needs guidance from stories, I’ve got science!” Then, they’d settle into the couch and receive hours of “factual” news and “fictional” scifi miniseries only to call it a night after a quick orgasm. The common Atheism I’m describing here isn’t just a disbelief in God, but rather a lameass attitude which rejects all mystery. “We’ve got it figured out, we’re figuring it out, and we will figure it all out.” So, in one sense these kinds of Atheists are the best Christians. If you look at their attitude, it runs a perfect parallel. “My cosmogony is better than yours,” does not translate into more-rational-than-thou. The attitude is precisely the same insanity on masquerade.

Conversely, the good atheists are quite the same as the good christians. They’re atheists now, simply because they accept mystery. The christians are christians now because they explore their inner mysteries through helpful stories, no matter how archaic and outmoded. Again, but in a totally new sense, the atheists are the best christians. The bible is a gateway to mysteries for the atheist christian and not a cheat-sheet full of answers.

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News

Tears of a Clown: ICP’s Concept Album Vindication of Barrett Brown

DETROIT, MICH. — In solidarity with Anonymous leader and fellow evangelical Christian Barrett Brown, arrested Thursday after publicly protesting his persecution at the hands of the minor children of an FBI agent, hip-hop all-stars Insane Clown Posse have already strung together a tribute album to Mr. Brown, of which The Internet Chronicle has obtained an advance copy. The proceeds from the album will go to Mr. Brown’s legal defense fund.

In a press release representatives of ICP released a track listing for the upcoming album, entitled “Have Sex with Dead FBI Agents’ Children (We Ain’t No Gang, Freak Whores).” The track listing for the album is as follows:

1. FBI Agent Robert Smith’s Kids (in the Dark Carnival)
2. Drug Dealer in Hell
3. Avenge MLK (KIA)
4. Brown Off Brown (His Drug Dealerz in Hell)
5. We a Gang, LOL JK (Bustin’ Nuts in a Dead Body)
6. Shoot Racist People with Illegally Obtained Firearms (Have Sex with their Dead Bodyz)
7. Fucking Internets, How Do They Work?
8. LulzCartel (His Drug Dealerz In Hell Reprise)
9. CHUG HFCS!
10. Not Forgivin’, Not Forgettin’, Painting Our Faces
11. John Wayne Gacy = God = Satan
12. It’s OK to be Poor (Cumming From Nothing)

Initial reports from representatives of ICP’s label, Psychopathic Records, have indicated that the release of this album may undermine the group’s recently initiated lawsuit against the FBI, which previously indicated ICP’s gang status, given their affiliation with drug prohibitionism, the Christian identity movement, the HFCS racket — in addition to their perpetual glorification of Illinois rapist/mass-murderer John Wayne Gacy.

In statements to the press FBI Director Robert Mueller has characterized ICP’s album a “dangerous travesty,” adding, “We will hunt these no-talent assclowns down as quickly as we did the drug-addled Anonymous leader.”

Categories
Religion Status Quo

Area Christian Too Cool For The Devil

Ashley Johnson, Christian nonconformist
Ashley Johnson, Christian nonconformist

Neighbors and ministers were startled by the appearance of Ashley Johnson, 17, in the Roanoke County First Baptist Church congregation Sunday morning.

With daring hairstyles and casual hoodies, Ashley challenges the age-old precept of blowhard Christian conformity.

Ashley fears society is losing faith in Christ as an alternative to the ways of Satan. Ashley said he is trying to make worshiping Jesus cool again. “I hope younger folks will see that cool people love Jesus, too. And why not? I mean, Jesus died for ours sins, and I think that’s pretty cool.”

“Life is sacred, and society seems to have forgotten that,” said Ashley, but asserted he  is “still pro-choice, as long as women are being awesome by keeping their unborn fetus.” Ashley warned pregnant teens they must learn to deal with their choices to get pregnant by remaining pregnant.

“I want to show people you can give your heart to Jesus without conforming to society’s backward norms.”

In tandem with his newfound convictions, Ashley has given up dangerous drugs like beer and marijuana, and stopped having sex with girls, “Which is easy,” Ashley said, “if you just don’t start.”

Join me, and I’ll get you a new iPod.

Lord Jesus God

Ashley recently found Jesus after losing his iPod during a “bad trip” on marijuana. “But Jesus spoke to me,” he said. “[Jesus Christ] said, ‘Join me, and I’ll get you a new iPod.'”

Sure enough, Ashley said, Jesus Christ came through. Just four months after accepting Christ as his Lord and Savior, a man in his youth group offered the young boy his old, used iPod. “He said he didn’t need it anymore, so I could have it.” About six months later, Ashley said, the man brought him closer to Jesus than he ever thought was possible. And finally – after ten months of devoted, repeated forced religious practice in that man’s vehicle – Ashley received his free iPod, securing his faith in our Lord.

Ashley said he will continue to ward off Satan’s vices by remaining loyal to Apple products, and abstaining from secular music like White Stripes, and the Magnetic Fields.

“You can’t hold onto hate. I used to hate my abusers for what they did to me, and I hated people who took me away from God. But now I don’t hate anything, except for terrorists, really. And Islam.”

Ashley Johnson, born again Christian