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Fashion News

Tumblr-centric #Femen Movement “Started By Men”

FEMENCame. Stripped. Conquered.” is the slogan of a social movement which has thousands of young women stripping publicly in defiance of the patriarchy and posting images of their ripe young bodies across sites like Tumblr and Twitter, and which are later re-posted to 4chan and Motherless.com.

A male source close to Femen.info, who wished to remain anonymous because of his position within the protest movement, gratuitously described a male-oriented conspiracy to obtain more “selfies” (images women take of themselves, usually standing in front of a mirror partially or completely naked). He said the movement toward “women flashing their t— on the internet” was a concept “too good to have originated from a woman’s mind,” but was co-opted from the start by men to see how far a woman will go to prove she is not just something for men to look at.

They went full circle and showed us their tits to protest our desire to see their tits.

-Anonymous

During a discussion among male friends, the source asked himself, “What are women willing to be tricked to do that would create an illusion of empowerment and at the same time exploit them for our admittedly devious, and sexual, purposes?” Turns out, he said, women are willing to do more than he expected. “They went full circle and showed us their tits to protest our desire to see their tits,” he said. “It took only the slightest hint of suggestion to get these dumb bitches started. It’s like they wanted it. Thank God it’s only the hot ones came out.”

MIT Sociological Correspondent Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedauer said he first noticed a step in the wrong direction when the “womyn” of the Femen movement attempted to cross cultural boundaries to tell Muslim women their head scarves are oppressing them.

“Some women are doing exactly what they’re fighting against,” Troubadauer said, “by telling burqa-clad Muslims what they should or should not wear.” The majority of Muslim women, however, are comfortable wearing the burqa because they widely regard proper head wear to be the mark of upstanding lady-hood. “When these women tell the Muslim female population they don’t have to wear the head scarf, their response is, ‘We know. We also don’t have to get naked to prove a point.'”

Muslim response to Femen
You can’t invent irony like this.

FEMEN: The BookCalmann-Lévy has authored a book entitled Femen but because it is written in French – the most pretentious of languages – its contents could not be deciphered.

Columns of text walls unfortunately lead to a black-and-white absence of juicy photographs, therefore Chronicle.su literary critics say the material can be safely ignored.

Staff writer Julius Pontenego suggested searching tumblr for the hashtag #femen “as it is a near-endless resource of wank material” worthy of the progressive, and yet manly, strong minds of our audience.

This image gallery is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

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Categories
Religion Status Quo

Area Christian Too Cool For The Devil

Ashley Johnson, Christian nonconformist
Ashley Johnson, Christian nonconformist

Neighbors and ministers were startled by the appearance of Ashley Johnson, 17, in the Roanoke County First Baptist Church congregation Sunday morning.

With daring hairstyles and casual hoodies, Ashley challenges the age-old precept of blowhard Christian conformity.

Ashley fears society is losing faith in Christ as an alternative to the ways of Satan. Ashley said he is trying to make worshiping Jesus cool again. “I hope younger folks will see that cool people love Jesus, too. And why not? I mean, Jesus died for ours sins, and I think that’s pretty cool.”

“Life is sacred, and society seems to have forgotten that,” said Ashley, but asserted he  is “still pro-choice, as long as women are being awesome by keeping their unborn fetus.” Ashley warned pregnant teens they must learn to deal with their choices to get pregnant by remaining pregnant.

“I want to show people you can give your heart to Jesus without conforming to society’s backward norms.”

In tandem with his newfound convictions, Ashley has given up dangerous drugs like beer and marijuana, and stopped having sex with girls, “Which is easy,” Ashley said, “if you just don’t start.”

Join me, and I’ll get you a new iPod.

Lord Jesus God

Ashley recently found Jesus after losing his iPod during a “bad trip” on marijuana. “But Jesus spoke to me,” he said. “[Jesus Christ] said, ‘Join me, and I’ll get you a new iPod.'”

Sure enough, Ashley said, Jesus Christ came through. Just four months after accepting Christ as his Lord and Savior, a man in his youth group offered the young boy his old, used iPod. “He said he didn’t need it anymore, so I could have it.” About six months later, Ashley said, the man brought him closer to Jesus than he ever thought was possible. And finally – after ten months of devoted, repeated forced religious practice in that man’s vehicle – Ashley received his free iPod, securing his faith in our Lord.

Ashley said he will continue to ward off Satan’s vices by remaining loyal to Apple products, and abstaining from secular music like White Stripes, and the Magnetic Fields.

“You can’t hold onto hate. I used to hate my abusers for what they did to me, and I hated people who took me away from God. But now I don’t hate anything, except for terrorists, really. And Islam.”

Ashley Johnson, born again Christian

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Categories
Law

TH3J35T3R steals credit for UGNazi fuck-up

Manhattan– The internet police monitored the illicit activities of “hacker” Mir Islam in order to effectively establish undercover agents in his midst. Hilariously, an agent brought him an FBI-issue credit card pre-loaded with OMG DON’T TOUCH THAT MONEY funds. The agent said it was a counterfeit credit card pre-programmed with legitimately stolen credit card numbers. Islam – being a lazy, ignorant bastard – believed what the federal agent told him and was subsequently arrested after he tried to use it. Somehow, the jester is taking credit for this.

The FBI:

Mir Islam, a.k.a. “JoshTheGod,” trafficked in stolen credit card information and possessed information for more than 50,000 credit cards. Islam also held himself out as a member of “UGNazi,” a hacking group that has claimed credit for numerous recent online hacks, and as a founder of “Carders.Org,” a carding forum on the internet.

Last night, Islam met in Manhattan with an individual he believed to be a fellow carder – but who, in fact, was an undercover FBI agent – to accept delivery of what Islam believed were counterfeit credit cards encoded with stolen credit card information. Islam was placed under arrest after he attempted to withdraw illicit proceeds from an ATM using one of the cards.

Today, the FBI seized the web server for UGNazi.com and seized the domain name of Carders.org, taking both sites offline.

FBI Takedown by the Numbers
Source: FBI

In May, UGNazi’s supposed identity was revealed; however, exposure did not deter attacks on things th3j35t3r loves, which did not necessarily piss off law enforcement agencies, either.

Nor did it prevent him from going on the record about the Six Flags attack in his passive accent and limiting high school alpha male persona.

Pointless slapfighting ensued and, with the exception of rustling Roseanne Barr’s jimmies, nothing really got accomplished until today, when agents on federal payroll did their jobs proving once again that a college education and eight hour workday are all you really need to protect what’s left of a restless, decaying society.