Categories
Obituaries

Neoliberalism Restored in Far Corner of Empire

Jesus not only hated taxation, he hated capitalism.
Jesus not only hated taxation, he hated capitalism.

ROME— Late last night along a steep ridge on Bald Mountain, the Jewish rabble-rouser Jesus of Nazareth was crucified for crimes against Caesar. The self-proclaimed “King of the Jews” lay hanging on a cross through the night like a slaughtered lamb, blood spilling from his stigmatas, while hordes of provincial peoples poured into the Roman-occupied city of Yerushalayim to celebrate Passover, a local religious festival.

The Galilean-born ‘Messiah’ was rumored to have arrived in the city earlier this week on either a stolen colt or donkey – accounts vary – spreading messages of wealth redistribution, market regulation, and universal healthcare.

After an incident at a local temple involving table-turning and preying on widows, authorities were tipped off to to the healer-prophet-vagabond’s whereabouts by Judas Iscariot, a former follower turned whistleblower.

In a statement issued to the press, Mr. Iscariot spoke of his growing dissatisfaction with his former leader, “Jesus talks about this egalitarian society, right? Yet the fucker has his own hierarchical structure within his own following! Pete, Jimmy, Matthew—these fellows get all the attention, the adoration, while me and Barty are left at the wayside like a couple of stale Matzo balls.”

The deceased first stood trial before a local council of chief priests who were unable to produce testimony germane to the death penalty they were seeking.

After trumping up charges of tax evasion, the priests appealed to Rome’s own representative, Pontius Pilate, the 5th prefect of Judea. The Nazarene appeared before Pilate bearing all the signs of a heathen having been tortured. After a lengthy conversation revolving around “truth”, Pilate reported to the priests that he “found no fault in Him at all.” However, the holy men implored Pilate that he not be released, saying that Jesus was a stain upon Caesar’s neoliberal paradise.

Incidentally, this was all happening during Passover and Jewish tradition states a prisoner to be released during the holy week. But due to popular demand, and against his own judgment, Pilate released Barbarras, a well-known robber, instead of Jesus. This decision is said to have had quite an ill effect on the Roman prefect in the hours since.

After a good flogging on his way out of the city and up the mountain, Jesus was finally nailed to the cross. His mother Mary was in attendance, along with a few followers. Jesus’ last words were reported to be, “Ma! I’m thirsty, gimme some of that sour wine!”

He was 33.

Categories
Science

UNIVERSE THREATENED BY NONEXISTENCE

When the universe began, Baby Jesus was just real tiny. Scientific evidence would suggest that Baby Jesus was smaller than the size of an infinitely dense pinhead containing all the matter of the known universe. According to the Bible, the universe is theorized to have originated from a bubble distending from a former instance of a previous universe – perhaps with different physics and even different math – after tunneling through the boundaries of space and time. This is what we understand the Big Bang to be.

President Obama wants an Internet Reset button that would take advantage of our probable existence within a false vacuum to be able to completely kill every person. But instead of killing each and every person, he could dissolve the illusion of time and make it so we never existed, wreaking havoc on our already unstable economy.

The coming of Anti-Christ Obama, as foretold by the Legend of the Bible, and heralded by quantum leaps in blood transfusion technology, would appear to be a self-supportive M-theory of everything, if it weren’t for those meddlin’ A-rabs and their confounded heebie jibby du-rag religion of intolerance. It is thanks to people like Osama bin Laden, Moammar Gaddafi, and George Carlin personal and religious Freedom is infinitely more threatened now than ever before, without possible recourse as a cascading string of invisible black holes accrete the matter from your living rooms, bank accounts, dumb-eyed children and 401K.

Won’t you please help? Donate a bitcoin to the chronicle.su charity for the blind followers of meaningless pseudo-culture today. Won’t you please?

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Categories
Religion Status Quo

Area Christian Too Cool For The Devil

Ashley Johnson, Christian nonconformist
Ashley Johnson, Christian nonconformist

Neighbors and ministers were startled by the appearance of Ashley Johnson, 17, in the Roanoke County First Baptist Church congregation Sunday morning.

With daring hairstyles and casual hoodies, Ashley challenges the age-old precept of blowhard Christian conformity.

Ashley fears society is losing faith in Christ as an alternative to the ways of Satan. Ashley said he is trying to make worshiping Jesus cool again. “I hope younger folks will see that cool people love Jesus, too. And why not? I mean, Jesus died for ours sins, and I think that’s pretty cool.”

“Life is sacred, and society seems to have forgotten that,” said Ashley, but asserted he  is “still pro-choice, as long as women are being awesome by keeping their unborn fetus.” Ashley warned pregnant teens they must learn to deal with their choices to get pregnant by remaining pregnant.

“I want to show people you can give your heart to Jesus without conforming to society’s backward norms.”

In tandem with his newfound convictions, Ashley has given up dangerous drugs like beer and marijuana, and stopped having sex with girls, “Which is easy,” Ashley said, “if you just don’t start.”

Join me, and I’ll get you a new iPod.

Lord Jesus God

Ashley recently found Jesus after losing his iPod during a “bad trip” on marijuana. “But Jesus spoke to me,” he said. “[Jesus Christ] said, ‘Join me, and I’ll get you a new iPod.'”

Sure enough, Ashley said, Jesus Christ came through. Just four months after accepting Christ as his Lord and Savior, a man in his youth group offered the young boy his old, used iPod. “He said he didn’t need it anymore, so I could have it.” About six months later, Ashley said, the man brought him closer to Jesus than he ever thought was possible. And finally – after ten months of devoted, repeated forced religious practice in that man’s vehicle – Ashley received his free iPod, securing his faith in our Lord.

Ashley said he will continue to ward off Satan’s vices by remaining loyal to Apple products, and abstaining from secular music like White Stripes, and the Magnetic Fields.

“You can’t hold onto hate. I used to hate my abusers for what they did to me, and I hated people who took me away from God. But now I don’t hate anything, except for terrorists, really. And Islam.”

Ashley Johnson, born again Christian