11:45 PM, Southern L.A in California. I have arranged a once in a lifetime opportunity to interview Tyrone Angelo AKA “Skittles”, Whitney Houston’s proud crack dealer. We decided to meet in a Denny’s parking lot, as this was a place where Whitney and Tyrone were often seen together, smoking crack and dishing out blowjobs.
Q:Tyrone, what can you tell us about Whitney before she died?
A: Sheeeeiiiit man, call me Skittles.
Q: Okay…Skittle, what was Whitney Houston like…BEFORE she died?
A: She was a tight lil thang, but her pussy STAAAAAAAAAANK.
Q: Skittles, PLEASE! That’s inappropriate.
A: Jus’ keepin’ it real, man. Gotta be true wid it, and lemme tell you summin’…dat Whitney Houston never take a day off crack! 3,4,5,6, sometimes 7 a day, she’d be over at ol’ Skittle, swappin’ handjobs for rocks.
Q: What about her habits? Do you know what she did when she wasn’t with you?
Q: We’ve established that, I mean anything ELSE?
A: Nope. Just crack.
Q: I didn’t know that.
A: Not a lot of people do, nigga. Y’see, Ike Turner din actually ABYOOOOOSE dat hoe, he had to fight her skank ass off when she’d go on a crack binge. But the mufuggin’ magazine couldn’t have dat shit…ol’ Whitney actin’ like a grade A nigger instead of a singer.
Q: What’s the difference?
A: Fuck you, man.
Q: Hey, you said it first.
A: I know dat, shit. Shut da fuq up and get on with the q’s.
Q: How much money did Whitney spend on crack?
A: Sheeeeeiiiit, dat crack money alone got me a brand new Mercedes.
Q: Wait, crack money alone? Was Whitney using other drugs, too?
A: AW HEEEELLLL YEAH, SON! Weed, vicadin, PCP, little bitta heroin, and a whole FUCKLOAD of crack.
Q: No shit?
A: No shit.
Q: So did you feel any guilt about Whitney dying?
A: Fuck no, nigga. She put that shit in her body on her own free will and shit. Shit’s not MY fault at all.
Q: Excellent point.
Q: One last thing…do you think the death of Whitney Houston was a big deal?
A: Shit no, son. Whitney was a cracked out, skinny ass nigga with shitty fuckin’ music and was famous fo’ gettin’ her ass whooped by another nigga. WHO GIVES A FUCK, NOBODY, I’M OUT.
At this point, Skittles moonwalked backwards to the sidewalked and promptly sold some 7 year old some crack and pills. Love this town.