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Exclusive Interview with Tyrone Angelo AKA “Skittles”

11:45 PM, Southern L.A in California. I have arranged a once in a lifetime opportunity to interview Tyrone Angelo AKA “Skittles”, Whitney Houston’s proud crack dealer. We decided to meet in a Denny’s parking lot, as this was a place where Whitney and Tyrone were often seen together, smoking crack and dishing out blowjobs.

Q:Tyrone, what can you tell us about Whitney before she died?
A: Sheeeeiiiit man, call me Skittles.

Q: Okay…Skittle, what was Whitney Houston like…BEFORE she died?
A: She was a tight lil thang, but her pussy STAAAAAAAAAANK.

Q: Skittles, PLEASE! That’s inappropriate.
A: Jus’ keepin’ it real, man. Gotta be true wid it, and lemme tell you summin’…dat Whitney Houston never take a day off crack! 3,4,5,6, sometimes 7 a day, she’d be over at ol’ Skittle, swappin’ handjobs for rocks.

Q: What about her habits? Do you know what she did when she wasn’t with you?
A: Crack.

Q: We’ve established that, I mean anything ELSE?
A: Nope. Just crack.

Q: I didn’t know that.
A: Not a lot of people do, nigga. Y’see, Ike Turner din actually ABYOOOOOSE dat hoe, he had to fight her skank ass off when she’d go on a crack binge. But the mufuggin’ magazine couldn’t have dat shit…ol’ Whitney actin’ like a grade A nigger instead of a singer.

Q: What’s the difference?
A: Fuck you, man.

Q: Hey, you said it first.
A: I know dat, shit. Shut da fuq up and get on with the q’s.

Q: How much money did Whitney spend on crack?
A: Sheeeeeiiiit, dat crack money alone got me a brand new Mercedes.

Q: Wait, crack money alone? Was Whitney using other drugs, too?
A: AW HEEEELLLL YEAH, SON! Weed, vicadin, PCP, little bitta heroin, and a whole FUCKLOAD of crack.

Q: No shit?
A: No shit.

Q: So did you feel any guilt about Whitney dying?
A: Fuck no, nigga. She put that shit in her body on her own free will and shit. Shit’s not MY fault at all.

Q: Excellent point.
A: Shizzle.

Q: One last thing…do you think the death of Whitney Houston was a big deal?
A: Shit no, son. Whitney was a cracked out, skinny ass nigga with shitty fuckin’ music and was famous fo’ gettin’ her ass whooped by another nigga. WHO GIVES A FUCK, NOBODY, I’M OUT.

At this point, Skittles moonwalked backwards to the sidewalked and promptly sold some 7 year old some crack and pills. Love this town.

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Law Technology

CHRONICLE.SU EXCLUSIVE Interview With Topiary – From Prison

Topiary offered Chronicle.SU a chance to set the record straight on why he has turned himself in.

San Francisco — Topiary, who recently turned himself in, awaits trial inside Folsom Prison. The “face of LulzSec” continues to speak from behind his twitter account, but inside sources report anyone speaking on behalf of LulzSec is only a stand-in, as they have all been arrested.

Topiary is a longtime friend of the Chronicle.SU and requested that we interview him from prison to ensure clarity and fairness are upheld as the Sec-saga unfolds.

Here with us today is Topiary, manager of the LulzSec Twitter feed, as well as the individual who wrote on The Sun’s website without their permission and crashes Chronicle.SU pirate pads “for the lulz.”

Chronicle.SU: Topiary, why did you turn yourself in?

Topiary: As you know, Amy Winehouse was recently b& from life and that’s been weighing on me. Just got tired of trolling goatse sites and reviewing the same old Shawshank Redemption .avi over and over again. Time has a way of catching up with you, ya know? My time is now. So I’m here.

.SU: Yes, Amy Winehouse’s death was undoubtedly tragic to someone. So what’s next? Do you have legal representation?

Top: Well, forwarded me a pastebin of a list of lawyers compiled by Barrett Brown, but every phone number on that list is disconnected. No, I gotta take that back. Wait just a second. The second number on that list, did point to an attorney. It was the McDougal County Public Defender’s office. Without asking who I was, he tried to wager me into his betting pool. I had someone on the outside hack me some good odds on Curiosity’s Bubble in the dog races Friday, so we’ll see what’s up. Thanks, Barrett.

.SU: So, you’ve elected to defend yourself?

Top: Oh, no worries man. Just between you, me and your readers – lol nobody reads this shit anyway right? – Just between us, I’ve got my evidence together, don’t you worry. Exhibit A is the judge’s email account.

.SU: Sounds like a good strategy. What sort of plea bargain are you looking to extort from His Honor?

Top: Probation, a little community service.

.SU: Wait, what about the cross-dressing and the sodomy you requested? You were quoted by TFI as saying, “Ima make that Casey Anthony bitch look like a passing fad.” Where will your ass-traffic come from?

Top: They’ll probably ask me to dox th3j35t3r. So far the DoJ has informed me he’s become quite a pain in their asses – a real embarrassment. Well my ears perked up when I heard “pain in their asses.” I thought, ‘Why not me? I want pain there. In my ass!’ It’s all part of the plea deal I’m writing up. You’ll see it published on the prison website after I SQL-inject that shit. So refresh hourly. And yeah, he’s a try-hard so I guess I’ll gladly oblige. I already know him, actually. We invented him, so it shouldn’t be any big deal, we’ll just deactivate the Twitter account and call it a day. He’s not even a human being. Just some AI chatbot compiled from repurposed Cleverbot coding and Yahoo! spambots designed to lure you into their camsites.

.SU: Word the fuck up to that. Well I’m glad you’re done talking about it because I was having real trouble giving a shit.

Top: Mind if I smoke a j?

.SU: Bunny.

Top: ‘Scuse me?

.SU: Bunny Lebowski… She is the light of my life. Are you surprised at my tears, sir?

Top: Fuckin’ A.

.SU: When’s the trial?

Top: Tomorrow.

.SU: You goin’?

Top: Nah.

.SU: Will you autograph my t-shirt?

Top: We’re done here. Good luck kicking the habit, guys. Send my regards to Barrett Brown, and tell him I said the same.

And at that, Topiary’s personal guard arrived with a black vibrating strap-on, already switched on, flopping hilariously with his hip movements. Carrying Topiary away, cradled like a baby, the guard whispered sacred secrets into his right ear. Topiary looked back at Old Brutus and beamed furtively in his direction, then spit up on the guard’s shoulder just before disappearing into the annals of Folsom Prison.

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News Special Interest

Mega-exclusive interview with Lulz Security

LulzSec sailed their LulzBoat into public waters today and Chronicle.SU reached them for comment. “Welcome to the bot-net!” exclaimed the limey young hackers. “You jelly of AnonNews, Chronicle?” After they revealed their British heritage, LulzSec mockingly adopted a French moniker, Pierre Dubois.

[pullquote]”Chronicle.SU Lies!” ~ LulzSec[/pullquote]

The truth of the matter is that a mouthful of Farmhouse bread with Cucumbers is the secret to the hacking skills of LulzSec. A simple Google search led us to the village of Essendon in Hertfordshire, UK, which is surely the home of Lulz Security. One member of LulzSec claimed his father was NATO’s Rapporteur Lord Joplin, author of the general report on information and national security. Final proof that LulzSec is a government project.

Claiming that “reckless” is not a word in their vocabulary, LulzSec was hesitant to comment on their recent bitcoin profits. When accused of pilfering from bitcoin pools, LulzSec admitted that only pirates like themselves would do such a thing. LulzSec has been extorting online business owners, stealing coins from pools, or mining their own. They are most likely doing all three things at once, among others we cannot even imagine.

As promised! Tyler Bass interviews LulzSec, and LulzSec Delivers!

[audio:|titles=Tyler Bass interviews LulzSec and they make an amazing revelation about the j35t3r!]