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Wanted: th3j35t3r

Barrett Brown’s recent campaign against the murderous Zeta cartel has provoked Brown’s enemies into a doxing frenzy. The Jester’s cadre of “whitehat” hackers have managed to publish Brown’s current address, forcing Brown to borrow money from his followers on Twitter for a quick flight to New York. It is not clear if his family members, who have also been outed by Jester’s group, will be able to lobby Twitter for an escape as well.

Yes, Barrett Brown has slandered Asheville District Attorney Ron Moore. Yes, Brown’s campaign against the Zetas is incredibly stupid and will most likely lead to violence. But there’s still a miniscule chance that Ron Moore is guilty of something and Brown is actually withholding the proof for some unimaginable reason. Anyway, we have chosen not to really fucking care about that anymore. Since Barrett Brown has decided to become an hero, we are going to cut him a little slack to respect his final days. The fucking Jester and his crew, who attacked and threatened Chronicle.SU staff, must be dealt with.

The Jester cadre’s brand of passive violence is reprehensible and will not be tolerated. That is why the Chronicle.SU has joined Barrett Brown by offering a $500 cash reward for proven information revealing the identity of Jester.

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Herman Cain plans secret divorce with infuriated wife

Don't be fooled by this picture. Gloria's gained a lot of weight lately after finding out her husband only sexually harasses ugly women at work.

Herman Cain’s wife is mad as hell that she hasn’t been the target of sexual harassment in nearly 15 years. She’s filed for a secret divorce under pressure from militant Tea Party militia men acting as Cain’s personal guard and trying really hard to prove that they aren’t racist. Secretly, they loathe Cain because he has more money than them.

Cain continues to malign his wife’s fat ass publicly, stating Gloria is 200% his wife.

Anonymous hacked Herman Cain’s wife’s e-mails to find this bullshit out and asked Chronicle.SU to disseminate the secret divorce. While no one on the internet really gives a fuck about Herman Cain because he’s a capable public speaker who knows when to 999 instead of John Wayne Gacey, Anonymous is fucking pissed off because that’s their default state.

At the next debate, before taking a drag off of a cigarette, we expect Cain to sexually harass Michele Bachmann and then give his slow troll grin for the cameras.

The following is a transcript of Herman Cain committing statutory rape on one of many hundreds of pizza delivery wenches he raped while CEO of Godfather’s pizza, as released by Anonymous.

Yeah baby you like that?

Yeah I fucking like that shit baby, give it to me.

Oh looks like your vagina is ready for sex, I will give you a generous raise after this dicking.

Fuck yeah nigga, you’re a big man.

Yeah I like it when you call me nigga, bitch. Swallow that cum. Yeah bitch.

 

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President Obama OKs Plan to Remove All Curvy Profiles From OKCupid

“Nobody wants ’em anyway,” added the President.

That people corner all the fungus in your frame

take it easy

I wanna live a life in vain

Make it women

[pullquote]god damn humanity vortex[/pullquote]You sit there with your fucking smartphones (smarter than you are), eyes sucked into them like a god damn humanity vortex. Is there anything more important than a fucking text message in this world? How about the fact we are all walking around in a motherfucking society?

“Nah, man. Nah, you see there’s this person sent me a text.”

Yeah, I get texts too and I don’t live to check and reply to them. I let that shit wait, why? Because it’s a fucking SMS sitting on a SIM-card. Why should I give a fuck somebody text me? You know what I do when I get a text? Options > Erase All. Because I don’t fucking care about your texts OR your phone calls.

Obama likes to Occupy Wall Street, if you know what I mean folks. I mean he is IN THOSE FUCKEN OFFICES REGULATING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER – just kidding, deregulating neoliberal globalism FTW UP IN HERE. WHERE MY BANKERZ @

“We’re right here sir.” Oh, good. Present thine penids so that I may sucketh thee.

Bankers present penids.

MMMMMMM THAT’S GOOD CAPITALISM! FREE MARKET SOCIETIES HAVE FEWER CHILDREN AND FEED THE CONSUMERIST APPETITE, APPLE PRODUCTS, EXTERNAL HARD DRIVES, FLAT SCREEN TV’S, MOTHERFUCKING PLASTIC SHIT.

Fuck you.