Month: December 2011

SHOENICE

Post author By 27
Post date December 8, 2011
72 Comments on SHOENICE

EATS WTF EVER

___

Thursday– Shoenice, who released a new video every hour and updated his Facebook wall an average of twenty two times per hour, has just eaten one entire can of Crisco, two tablespoons of BBs from a gun, and a whole bottle of cinnamon. After crusading for Facebook followers, YouTube subscribers, and even Skype friends, Shoenice proceeded to play peekaboo to an audience of three hundred people who have only just met him and not yet realized he is the human trashcan that eats everything.

Shoenice is a nice man on a nice mission to save his nice children from poverty by becoming rich and famous on youtube, and since you read it here, that means it is working out alright. Except that his body has become a steady pipeline of hate.

SHOENICE22 is willing to eat almost anything, and makes a point of eating everything as quickly as possible. He does not seem to fear cancer-causing agents, and will eat anything short of heart-stopping medicine. Shoenice never blinks, because he once put super glue in his eyes and that is how real men cope with divorce. He is constantly rerencing the riches his fame is about to bring him. As of this exact moment, his videos top quadrillions of views, surpassing all other YouTube videos in number of hits. The Chronicle anticipates the trials of Shoenice will soon be picked up by network television and sponsored by US war machine manufacturer Lockheed Martin.

“Hell yeah, I’d watch that shit. It would be like Fear Factor without the fear.”

Viewer

While facts demonstrate Shoenice is the greatest thing TV never built, detractors claim he “suffers” from an “extreme” case of Pica, exacerbated by the attention he gets on the internet. Shoenice, however, claimed he does not suffer from Pica and iterated Pica is not something he can eat and therefore does not exist, except only in theory. Shoenice bills himself as a comedian, filling his videos with wisecracks but at the same time sprinkling in clever allusions to his personal problems such as his recent divorce.

“He has a great personality. And a divorce.”

-Concerned Viewer

“HERE COMES SHOENICE TO EAT YO MOFO SCREEN BITCHES. AND HE’S THERE. IT IS AWESOME. WHENEVER I CLICK HTTP://YOUTUBE.COM/USER/SHOENICE22 I GET THE EYES FULL OF JOY AND A RAGING KILLER BONER.”

-Stoned Viewer

Shoenice has been in the comedy eating game for a long time. In one video, he recalled eating many Tampons as a young boy and later during high school. “It opened up in my throat like an umbrella, and when my mom was yanking on that string with my head between her legs, she knew she gave birth to something special.”

SHOENICE WILL YOU PLEASE EAT A VIDEO OF YOURSELF EATING A VIDEO OF YOURSELF PLEASE? I DONT KNOW HOW YOU WOULD DO THAT BUT YOU ARE CREATIVE AND CAN SURELY THINK OF SOMETHING.

-Desperate Viewer

After reviewing tapes of the acts, Chronicle Legal Aide and Psychoanalytic Analyst Jeff Shepard concluded Shoenice is not a danger to himself or society, but added “Shoenice is quite charming in a disturbing way, causing viewers laugh their ass off while being completely and utterly nauseated beyond belief. Strangely, Shoenice appears to almost always wear the exact same shirt and baseball cap, covering the shame of his bald head while highlighting his beautiful, nonfunctioning eyes.”

420 friendly Shoenice loves drugs, which is nice. We would do any amount of cocaine with this man and most of us don’t even like cocaine. Meanwhile he could enlighten us to the consequences of giving oral sex to an underage girl with a yeast infection.

Works Cited

Tags shoenice22

Entertainment Health

Miley Cyrus announces she is pregnant at press conference in Los Angeles

Post author By Kilgoar
Post date December 7, 2011
25 Comments on Miley Cyrus announces she is pregnant at press conference in Los Angeles

Teen idol and Hanna Montana star, Miley Cyrus, announced today that she is two months pregnant with Australian actor Liam Hemsworth’s child. Cyrus held a special press conference in Los Angeles, taking time to emphasize the importance of safe sex and abstinence for teens. When asked by a reporter if her pregnancy was planned, Cyrus said only, “Me and Liam are happy for this unexpected blessing.”

Miley likely succumbed to her baser instincts after using Salvia Divinorum, a legal drug which is known to cause innocent young women to crave sexual intercourse. Numerous reports of Miley’s prolific Salvia use have surfaced in the past, such as this video of her taking a bong rip.

Miley’s father, Billy Ray Cyrus was not present at his daughter’s press conference, and when questioned about his daughter’s pregnancy via Twitter, Cyrus tweeted the following:

Miley’s shocking announcement comes on the heels of an unprecedented move by health secretary, Kathleen Sibelius, banning over the counter sales of the “morning after pill” to girls under the age of 17. For all the young women out there dealing with rampant Salvia abuse and images of “creampies” fetishized by the media, this news is decidedly terrible.

Hate

Maddox: The biggest pussy in the universe

Post author By Kilgoar
Post date December 7, 2011
14 Comments on Maddox: The biggest pussy in the universe

George Ouzounian, failed blogger and former telemarketer, recently released his second book, I am Better than your Kids. For the past few years, Ouzounian has pored over thousands of children’s drawings to find the worst examples for this new book, which basically sucks dick. Maddox, as he is also known, is himself a terrible artist who refuses to use anything more advanced than MS Paint for his shitty web site which looks like it was designed in North Korea.

To promote a re-release of his first book, The Alphabet of Manliness “Extended Edition”, Maddox created what is possibly the gayest and most poorly drawn animation of all time.

maddoxfag — Yeah, this really makes me want to buy your book.

faggotfaggotfaggot — Maddox chugs a tiny bottle of not-so-hot sauce while wearing a fake plastic crown that doesn't even look remotely real. What a faggot.

There’s only a few reasons why Maddox would have released an extended version of his book, all of which make him look like a complete cunt. Perhaps the first iteration lost a ton of money for Amazon, the corporation that caved to government pressure and wouldn’t host WikiLeaks. Damn Maddox, do you hate freedom? I wouldn’t be caught dead making deals with those baby fuckers. Then again, maybe Maddox was just inspired by George Lucas and decided to milk his stupid fans out of a little more cash. Fuck his Muslim ass. This pitiful animation clearly demonstrates how piss poor Maddox is at everything. Unsurprisingly, he’s failed at just about everything he’s ever done. Oh, that is of course except for making fun of children’s art.

In 2006, Maddox did a two hour talk radio program for Maxim Radio on Sirius which failed miserably. Maddox created a YouTube series, and I would embed it here if it wasn’t so absolutely unbearable to listen to his snide, shitty, monotone voice deliver emotionless rants at breakneck speed. More recently, he worked on a reality television show for Spike TV which also failed miserably. Hey Maddox, maybe you should think about going back to telemarketing.

Maddox is so fucking anti-vegetarian I got the impression he eats nothing but meat. But in a recent blog post, Maddox wrote that he didn’t like steak, fried seafood, fried chicken, ribs, hamburgers, or deli meat. I can only conclude that Maddox subsides only from ingesting his own steaming piles of shit, slathered with generous amounts hot sauce to make him feel less like a pussy.

Awww, was little Maddox belittled by his father? It inspired him to do so much better, and just look at him now, appearing on local television wearing cheap costumes. How special.

When I was a fucking kid, me and a couple of friends made a few calls and discovered George’s phone number, which we immediately called. He tried to deny he was Maddox for a few seconds, but that lie was too transparent for us, even though we were children. Turns out Maddox is only smarter than some kids, and we were not among them. Maddox asked us what we wanted and we kindly asked for a case of beer, which he agreed to give us. Maddox never delivered, because he is a stupid shit-eating liar. So is Maddox really better than our children? He can’t draw any better than most kids and he can’t even get a lie past a couple of teens making a prank call. Maddox, you owe us a case of beer you monumental pussy.