Internet Chronicle
“Do you know what’s going on in our country?” asked 20-year-old fagatronic nimrod Dale Shelton of Roanoke, Va.
Shelton said he is fed up with the direction American politics are heading. He said the decisions being made at the top affect everyone, including children.
“They’re raping our rights,” Shelton said, “like we raped the lands of the Native American Indian Redskin Savages.”
Shelton was later discovered to be a rapist with no actual opinions about anything.
Get it together, Shelton.
LAS VEGAS — In what may come to be a medical landmark, “Chumlee” Russell of Pawn Stars fame died from a marijuana overdose Monday night and was found by friend “Big Hoss” Harrison on Tuesday morning. Earlier this year, “Chumlee” was arrested with seven pounds of marijuana which he asserted were all for personal use.
According to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “The only possible way he could have died from a marijuana overdose without first clogging his lungs with soot is through the use of vaporizers. Reportedly, Chumlee had rigged up to 90 vaporizers into one tube and had a team of groupies constantly loading them up with the stickiest and most potent of marijuana available on the market.”
Fans and family mourn the loss of “Chumlee” and have taken the opportunity to speak out against drug abuse. “To die like that, it’s just a shame,” said Rick Harrison, manager of the world famous Gold and Silver Pawn Shop, as he teared up. “It’s just a shame to lose such a fun guy as Chum. Rest in peace, buddy.”
INTERNET — News broke Friday that the government had wiretapped and extensively spied on the Associated Press for reporting on terrorist activities. This was quickly followed by a now-deleted tweet in support of the shadowy collective of hackers known as Anonymous.
A spokesperson for the AP refused to comment, leading some to speculate the tweet was the result of hackers from Anonymous. Others believe this was possibly a false flag attack from the CIA aimed at discrediting the AP.