Month: May 2013

INTERNET — Google insiders have leaked that the fundamental Algorithm, which guides all of their services, is going to be completely replaced with a new, hyper-efficient version called New Google. No longer will users be burdened with typing the first letter of their search terms, New Google will extrapolate searches based on past patterns.

New Google, as it has been dubbed, was so powerful some beta users suffered seizures after being instantly satiated and then flooded with a stream of information which was “far too rich and rapid,” according to New Google engineer Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. “But we toned down the information depth, cut back the pace. It’s much safer now.”

One beta tester reportedly fell into a celebrity death-hoax loop which ended in New Google feeding the subject a stream of nothing but articles from the Internet Chronicle. He left the computer shaking uncontrollably, but these adverse psychological symptoms were treated successfully with valium. The algorithm has since been altered, but Dr. Troubador warned that New Google should only be used with great care. “The tools of the gods are now in the hands of mere apes, or perhaps more accurately the apes have found new gods which are more powerful than ever before.”

 

PHOENIX — Jodi Arias was found dead on Friday in her prison cell as she awaited sentencing, amid reports of a strict suicide watch. The murderess, who slit the throat of her boyfriend, shot him in the head, and then stabbed him repeatedly, was found guilty of first-degree murder Wednesday after testifying that the killing had been done in self-defense.

Despite the watch, investigators believe she quietly hung herself using hair-extensions smuggled into prison. Her death and subsequent escape from justice has triggered outrage among family members of her boyfriend, Travis Alexander. “We wanted her dead, but we’ve been robbed of the pleasure of watching a lethal injection on closed-circuit television,” said a relative of Alexander’s who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s an affront to justice, and now my family will never be satisfied.”

INTERNET — The State Department Office of Defense Trade Controls Compliance has forced Cody Wilson to “pull” downloadable designs for the world’s first plastic .22 caliber pistol, which was manufactured on a 3d printing machine that recently became available at local office supply stores near you.

Wilson’s designs are now downloadable on MegaUpload, the multi-billion dollar corporate copyright infringement empire built by Kim Dotcom, a Kingpin-style cyber-supervillain who also held the first place score in Call of Duty, the world’s most popular shoot ’em up video game. Despite pleas from Wilson Dotcom will not take the plans down.

Larry Holler, a 3d printing enthusiast and ancient weapons expert, was recently ordered to take down designs of an Atlatl, or spear-throwing device, by the State Department. Because Holler posted these files on The Pirate Bay they are now shared from the hard drives of millions of internet users, and he has since been taken into FBI custody at gunpoint for not complying with government regulations.

Hackers recently jailbroke Google Glass, and government agencies are now cracking down on forums which distribute military grade targeting apps. The inconspicuous “glasses” hide a high definition camera which, with the help of these now-illegal apps, can be used to locate anthropomorphic objects and alert the user to other threats.

Meanwhile, the black market for weapons and ammunition has exploded with the new-found legitimacy of digital cryptocurrencies like BitCoin, which allow internet users to make anonymous purchases. As it turns out, government internet control is now permanently and inextricably sutured to gun control and these never-ending school tragedies.