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Wendy’s unveils new hacker theme for restaurants

Wendy's new hacker aesthetic has critics in shock, but some are excited about a new look and the promise of high speed Tor nodes.
Wendy’s new hacker aesthetic has critics in shock, but some are excited about a new look and the promise of high speed Tor nodes.

INTERNET — In a press release Friday, and after over four decades of Western-themed restaurant design, Wendy’s has unveiled what they call “a new face for a new century.” Wendy’s hopes this new hacker aesthetic will appeal to “the next generation of fast food customers,” but some have been startled by the shock green hair and borg-like goggles imposed on the iconic Wendy Thomas.

Below the controversial Cyber-Wendy featured on the new signs, a fully functional LED screen continually cycles through dazzling hacker imagery borrowed from The Matrix. Lime green pseudo-pixelated pavement markings guide customers through a drive-thru which now operates using touch screen ordering, a breakthrough that many hailed as a “game changer” in the fast food industry. Customers will not feel the same kind of shame when ordering meals if there is no human on the other end, so Wendy’s executives hope this will improve sales.

Wendy’s also promised to install powerful servers and fiber optic internet connections at all of its locations in order to run lightning-fast Tor nodes which may finally shift the balance of power in the ongoing struggle against the NSA’s nearly omniscient eavesdropping program.

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Media Mogul Grows Abusive As Website Ratings Fail

Legendary columnist Old Brutus of the Internet Chronicle exploded with Rage Friday after investors pulled funding to the popular underground hatesite. His alcohol fueled blackout comes on the heels of reports “not even children were reading” his publications, according to information leaked by a Thursday hack against chronicle.su webservers.

FILE PHOTO: Old Brutus assaulted fellow employees as they tried to restrain him. Witnesses say he bit, kicked and scratched Executive Editor Kilgoar Trout. Brutus later threatened suicide.
FILE PHOTO: Old Brutus assaulted fellow employees as they tried to restrain him. Witnesses say he bit, kicked and scratched Executive Editor Kilgoar Trout. Brutus later threatened suicide.

Brutus reportedly knocked a hole in his office wall with the butt of a rifle after drinking himself into a racist stupor.

“Young kids just don’t like double-black-cock-penetration anymore,” said Brutus. “They’re only satisfied if the girl is throwing up, crying, shitting herself – or doing everything at the same time; like this.” Brutus proceeded to soil himself, and vomited blood onto his trousers before crying himself to sleep in the arms of staff writer Frank Mason.

Mason said Brutus will sleep for a few hours but ultimately repeat the cycle of abuse and self-loathing. “But he’ll wake up some time tonight and remember why it hurts, then he’ll start drinking again. All Brutus feels is a spectrum of pain. His eyes have grown icy, lifeless. The only thing left in his emotional toolkit is abuse.”

Insider reports suggest no amount of death hoaxes or falsified celebrity nudes could possibly bring the Internet Chronicle into the end of the next fiscal year. The FY will bring crippling debt that makes suicide appear to be the only promising option left in the Chronicle vocabulary. Brutus has threatened suicide on multiple occasions, but as bill collectors and hosting dues draw near, sources claim the suicide threats have increased in frequency.

Mason said he expects “a brief return to his old self again” in the early afternoon, when Brutus usually wakes up and begins a campaign of starvation-enhanced Civilization V domination.

“But for now,” Mason said, “we’re just praying.”

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Anonymous hackers infiltrate FEMA camp servers

In defense of Edward Snowden, Anonymous has infiltrated FEMA servers to expose the sinister plan behind their "Disaster Recovery Centers."
In defense of Edward Snowden, Anonymous has infiltrated FEMA servers to expose the sinister plan behind their “Disaster Recovery Centers.”

INTERNET — In a show of solidarity with Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker, Anonymous hackers targeted and infiltrated infamous FEMA camp servers. FEMA camps imprisoned millions of Japanese citizens in the last century, and some believe the camps are part of a contingency plan which will be used for population control in the possible event of famine or pandemic.

“They’re doing everything conspiracy theorists have feared. There are chemical incinerators that can liquefy thousands of bodies in hours and plastic coffins to contain the liquid remains. FEMA camps are hundreds of thousands times more efficient than the concentration camps of the Nazis.” said one Anonymous hacker.

Information acquired by Anonymous includes the names and email passwords of guilty FEMA employees and contractors, and Anonymous hackers will likely exploit these maximally to explore related computer systems, as they did after gaining access to HBGary. In the past, Anonymous has stolen money using similar tactics, targeting the especially villainous with endless pizza deliveries.